A very emotional post

So I spent the last few hours playing games with one of my roomies, having a good time... and then out of no where, it was like I was hit by a freight train of sad thoughts. I realized that it has almost been a year since my Grandfather passed away. I'm having alot of emotions come up about that. There is alot of things I have guilt about, surrounding his death. Some of you may know what I'm talking about. I just feel like a bad grandchild. I feel that I should have spent more time with him while he was alive, and what really hits me the hardest, is the fact that instead of going to see him while he was alive in the hospital, I chose to come and take a nap, because I thought I could go see him the next day. Well I was wrong, I was awoken from my nap, by a phone call from my aunt, telling me that he passed away. To this day, I still regret not going to see him... and people told me, that he knew I loved him, and he would understand why I didn't come see him, but that doesn't help me at all. I still feel so horrible about my choice. Just writing that has brought me to tears, and you would think I would learn from that, and change my actions, but no, I'm still being a bad grandchild, and not spending hardly any time with my Grandma at all. I know she is old, and I should spend as much time with her as I can while she is here, because I may very well wake up tomorrow, and not have another chance. I honestly don't know what it is about me, that makes me the way I am. I mean to a point I do, but I'm punishing her, and the rest of my family for something they had no part in. All the bad things that happened in my childhood, were the fault of my parents, so why do I punish my whole family for what happened?

Then I've been thinking alot about the fact that Josh is gone today. I'm working on moving past these feelings, and I'm making progress, but I still have my bad days. Today is one such day. I don't understand what happened to us. Why do I continue to hear news about his life from someone he wasn't even that close to while he was here. Why does he call her, instead of the person who was supposedly his best friend? I just don't understand what I did, that made him decide I wasn't worth trying to hold on to.

Which leads me right to my next issue of the day. Up until today, I thought that there was a great chance of things working out between me and Markus. Then one comment from someone changed all that. I don't even know if it's true or not, but it is making me lose hope. I'm losing hope because I don't feel that I deserve to be someones second choice, or just an option for them. I have a lot to bring to a relationship, and yet it never seems to be good enough. I'm never good enough, no one ever picks me fist, and that is crap. What is it about me, that makes me such a great friend, but never good enough to be dating material? That or what really pisses me off, is when I'm told that I am too good of a friend to date. WTF, I mean seriously. If I'm such a great friend, and you think I'm a great person, then why would I be too good to date. Stop using that excuse, and tell me the real reasons. There is only one person, whom I don't get upset when I'm told that I was too good of a friend to date, and that is only because the relationship me and her had/have was that of a brother and sister. It would have been to awkward to continue dating, with the bond that we shared. There is only one other person on the face of the planet that I have that bond with, and I would never think about dating him for that reason. Because I know above all else, no matter what happens, when the smoke clears, they are 2 people I can count on to still be by my side. I've never once been let down by either of them, not even in the smallest way. I only have that bond with them, because they shared my childhood with me more or less. They were there when no one else was. They were the only people I could come to about issues I was having at home while growing up. There is something sacred about them to me, and even though I don't call them my best friends, they know they are, I don't have to tell them or anyone else that they are, because friendship like that don't need to be labeled.

No friendship really needs to be labeled at all for that matter. I know there are other people in my life who will be there no matter what for me also, but at the same time, I don't know that. I've seen how easily it is for friendships to just come to an end. Without and real reason as to why, and no words shared between the two. It just happens. People change and grow apart. However, when you've already shared the majority of your life with someone, and you're still as close as ever, I don't think that bond will ever break. Again, I'm not saying any of this to take away from the friendships I have with others, because by far my friends are the greatest people I have ever met. I'm so very lucky to be able to call them my friends. I guess I just have some trust issues I need to work on. However, every time I decide to, I'm reminded why I have the issues to begin with. Take Josh for example, everything was going great between me and him, we were as close as two people can be, who have known each other for the amount of time we did, and then out of nowhere, he just up and left, almost without warning. Things have not been the same since, and things keep getting worse and worse between us. I honestly don't understand why, and I'm to the point where I'm ready to throw in the towel all together. As someone once told me, anything that causes you that much pain, isn't worth having in your life, no matter how good things use to be.

I'm just rambeling now, so I'm going to end this, I'm pretty sure this is a very long post, and I know I've shed many tears while writing it... I guess it's good to get this all out, since I doubt I would have talked to anyone about any of this. Goodnight..... or morning, seeing how the sun is about to rise.