I have been progressively becoming unraveled
as all hell has been breaking lose in my life.
I feel like everything is coming apart at the seams.
I feel I have no stability in my life at all.
I also feel as if me and my closest friends are drifting apart.
And being the stubborn mule that I am,
I have refused to back down and restore the balance
when I needed to cause I thought
if they wanted to hear from me, they would have called.
If they wanted to see me, they would have come around.
If they really care, they would have asked.
And in the whole scheme of things,
I overlooked the fact that I was indeed asked
but turned everyone away by saying “I’m alright”
when every single cell in me was crying out the contrary.
Try as I may to deny that I am not dependent
on any one person for anything, it is as it is
a damn wide river that floods over,
bursting its banks in the process
the damn river of denial.
A few things have happened the past few weeks,
I've made a friend, Jon who lives in Ireland,
he's been telling me that it’s alright to feel this way
and that I will eventually come out of it,
but that it’s alright for now to be this way.
I also had a very long talk with a room mate a few nights ago,
about some of the things that have been going on,
and it really helped to clear my head,
although I'm sure he thought we were making
no head way while having the conversation.
Also I wrote myself an email earlier this afternoon
as an apology to myself and in utter honesty
about everything else under this lil rock
that I’ve chosen to hide under.
People need people, and I am no exception.
Why I hide behind this facade of false niceties
or of being bright and cheery, escapes my mind tonight.
I have gone on and let everyone think
that I do not have the time of day for them,
when all I have is time on my side.
And even when I don’t, I can still make the time.
I have been putting my thoughts down here on my blog,
thinking that someone is gonna pick up on it.
But some of the people whose opinions matter the most,
have stopped reading it cause they know
this is not how real friendship works.
You do not have to read about something afterwards,
and I should not have to go on this
round-about way when all I needed to do
was to say, “I’m drowning. Help.”
Oh what a fool I have been. And it’s the first step for me.
To say and see for real that I have been only a fool
to think that people do the things they do for me
cause they feel they are obliged to.
In retrospect, I am a wee small person of little faith.
Cause I have been told often enough
that the nice things done for me,
is out of a genuine want of doing.
But I never believed them.
Jon was right and I see his point now
~ I must realize my own worth before other people
can begin to do the same towards me.~
I may be smart and intelligent but when it comes
to being a person, a human being, I fail so badly at it.
Right up till just now, I struggled with doing
what he was asking me to and not making any headway.
But the essence of it is that if I do not appreciate myself,
I will never be satisfied with the level of kindness and care shown towards me.
I will never feel that I am worth the time of day for people to call and text me.
I will never feel that I am as important to others, as they are too me.
I will feel that my friends that have sit with me on many occasions,
was sitting with me cause they felt he had to,
and not cos they were really concerned that something was not right
and that if they were patient enough, I would come round to talking.
I will never believe that every piece of advice given to me
by the anyone is because they don’t want to see me being stepped over
like a beaten rug and not get anything in return, when it is my right to.
I have left a trail of mess and hurt in the run up of bringing myself to this point.
I have said things that should not have been said,
forgetting that not everyone is the same, and as such,
do not know me on the same degrees.
It’s gonna take a hell lot of effort to clean up the mess.
And another first baby step when and if the moment ever arises,
would be to not sweep it under the carpet as friends say I am famous for doing.
For the written word cannot stand up to the measure of the spoken word.
I have hidden behind the line
“everyone is gonna leave me in the end,
why shouldn't I be the one to take the first step”
so often that I had forgotten that I would be the one
letting them down time and again instead.
All I’ve gotta do is come round to the fact that I am ME
and that this ME does indeed have some qualities
that are worth having around to other people.
And that I cannot be everything to everyone.
But to be something to some people, that says a lot…
especially if they are all still around when I was down.
I've just gotta remember that the next time I go off-balanced.
This blog has always been about my journey towards the good stuff in life,
if you persist thru the bitter and the sour
which is what I write about, it's my way of dealing with these things.
Unfortunately, this writer does not have the will-power
nor strength to go the entire journey.
And so it ends here.. with the bitter and the sour.
My spirit may be broken, totally and utterly right now
and all the fight may have gone out of me.
But I know with my friends around me, and being there
I'm pretty sure I'll find it again. And someday soon,
maybe you'll read about how I am finding my voice once again
but for now, this is it. I'm closing this chapter.
A good song, that I found to be fitting. Here are the lyrics
Meat Loaf - Read 'em and weep
I've been trying for hours
just to think of what exactly to say
I thought I'd leave you with
a letter of fiery speech
Like when an actor makes
an exit at the end of the play
And I've been dying for hours
Trying to fill up all the holes with some sense
I'd like to know how you faded
and you threw it away
I'd like to give you all the reasons
and what everything meant
Well I could tell you good-bye
Or maybe see you around
With just a touch of sarcastic thanks
We started out with a bang
And at the top of the world
Now the guns are exhausted
And the bullets are blanks
And everything's blank
If I could only find the words
then I would write them all down
If I could only find a voice I would speak
But it's there in my eyes
so can't you see me tonight
C'Mon and look at me
and read 'em and weep
If I could only find the words
then I would write them all down
If I could only find a voice I would speak
Oh it's there in my eyes
so can't you see me tonight
C'Mon and look at me
and read 'em and weep
I've been whispering softly
Trying to build a cry up to scream
We let the past slip away
And put the future on hold
Now the present is nothing
but a hollowed out dream
I've been dying for hours
Trying to fill up the holes with some sense
I'd like to know why you faded
and you threw it away
I'd like to give you all the reasons
And what everything meant
Well I could tell you good-bye
Or maybe see you around
With just a touch of sarcastic thanks
But now the rooms are all empty
And the candles are dark
The guns are exhausted
The bullets are blanks
And everything's blank
If I could only find the words
then I would write them all down
If I could only find a voice I would speak
oh it's there in my eyes
oh can't you see me tonight
C'Mon and look at me
and read 'em and weep
It's there in my eyes
and coming straight from my heart
It's running silent and angry and deep
It's there in my eyes and it's all I can say
C'Mon and read 'em and weep
Read 'em and weep
For all the hours
we'll be spending alone
Read 'em and weep
For the dreams we'll ignore
Running silent and deep
And all those promises
we promised to keep
They won't be kept anymore
Read 'em and weep
For the magic that
our bodies had made
Read 'em and weep
For the blood that we've lost
Running silent and deep
And all those secrets
that we somehow betrayed
For whatever the cost
Read 'em and weep
For the memories
still alive in the bed
Read 'em and weep
For the lies we believed
Running silent and deep
And all the things
that can never be said
Why don't you look at me
and read 'em and weep
C'Mon and look at me
and read 'em and weep
It's there in my eyes
and coming straight from my heart
It's running silent and angry and deep
it's there in my eyes it's all i can say
C'Mon and look at me
and read 'em and weep.
as all hell has been breaking lose in my life.
I feel like everything is coming apart at the seams.
I feel I have no stability in my life at all.
I also feel as if me and my closest friends are drifting apart.
And being the stubborn mule that I am,
I have refused to back down and restore the balance
when I needed to cause I thought
if they wanted to hear from me, they would have called.
If they wanted to see me, they would have come around.
If they really care, they would have asked.
And in the whole scheme of things,
I overlooked the fact that I was indeed asked
but turned everyone away by saying “I’m alright”
when every single cell in me was crying out the contrary.
Try as I may to deny that I am not dependent
on any one person for anything, it is as it is
a damn wide river that floods over,
bursting its banks in the process
the damn river of denial.
A few things have happened the past few weeks,
I've made a friend, Jon who lives in Ireland,
he's been telling me that it’s alright to feel this way
and that I will eventually come out of it,
but that it’s alright for now to be this way.
I also had a very long talk with a room mate a few nights ago,
about some of the things that have been going on,
and it really helped to clear my head,
although I'm sure he thought we were making
no head way while having the conversation.
Also I wrote myself an email earlier this afternoon
as an apology to myself and in utter honesty
about everything else under this lil rock
that I’ve chosen to hide under.
People need people, and I am no exception.
Why I hide behind this facade of false niceties
or of being bright and cheery, escapes my mind tonight.
I have gone on and let everyone think
that I do not have the time of day for them,
when all I have is time on my side.
And even when I don’t, I can still make the time.
I have been putting my thoughts down here on my blog,
thinking that someone is gonna pick up on it.
But some of the people whose opinions matter the most,
have stopped reading it cause they know
this is not how real friendship works.
You do not have to read about something afterwards,
and I should not have to go on this
round-about way when all I needed to do
was to say, “I’m drowning. Help.”
Oh what a fool I have been. And it’s the first step for me.
To say and see for real that I have been only a fool
to think that people do the things they do for me
cause they feel they are obliged to.
In retrospect, I am a wee small person of little faith.
Cause I have been told often enough
that the nice things done for me,
is out of a genuine want of doing.
But I never believed them.
Jon was right and I see his point now
~ I must realize my own worth before other people
can begin to do the same towards me.~
I may be smart and intelligent but when it comes
to being a person, a human being, I fail so badly at it.
Right up till just now, I struggled with doing
what he was asking me to and not making any headway.
But the essence of it is that if I do not appreciate myself,
I will never be satisfied with the level of kindness and care shown towards me.
I will never feel that I am worth the time of day for people to call and text me.
I will never feel that I am as important to others, as they are too me.
I will feel that my friends that have sit with me on many occasions,
was sitting with me cause they felt he had to,
and not cos they were really concerned that something was not right
and that if they were patient enough, I would come round to talking.
I will never believe that every piece of advice given to me
by the anyone is because they don’t want to see me being stepped over
like a beaten rug and not get anything in return, when it is my right to.
I have left a trail of mess and hurt in the run up of bringing myself to this point.
I have said things that should not have been said,
forgetting that not everyone is the same, and as such,
do not know me on the same degrees.
It’s gonna take a hell lot of effort to clean up the mess.
And another first baby step when and if the moment ever arises,
would be to not sweep it under the carpet as friends say I am famous for doing.
For the written word cannot stand up to the measure of the spoken word.
I have hidden behind the line
“everyone is gonna leave me in the end,
why shouldn't I be the one to take the first step”
so often that I had forgotten that I would be the one
letting them down time and again instead.
All I’ve gotta do is come round to the fact that I am ME
and that this ME does indeed have some qualities
that are worth having around to other people.
And that I cannot be everything to everyone.
But to be something to some people, that says a lot…
especially if they are all still around when I was down.
I've just gotta remember that the next time I go off-balanced.
This blog has always been about my journey towards the good stuff in life,
if you persist thru the bitter and the sour
which is what I write about, it's my way of dealing with these things.
Unfortunately, this writer does not have the will-power
nor strength to go the entire journey.
And so it ends here.. with the bitter and the sour.
My spirit may be broken, totally and utterly right now
and all the fight may have gone out of me.
But I know with my friends around me, and being there
I'm pretty sure I'll find it again. And someday soon,
maybe you'll read about how I am finding my voice once again
but for now, this is it. I'm closing this chapter.
A good song, that I found to be fitting. Here are the lyrics
Meat Loaf - Read 'em and weep
I've been trying for hours
just to think of what exactly to say
I thought I'd leave you with
a letter of fiery speech
Like when an actor makes
an exit at the end of the play
And I've been dying for hours
Trying to fill up all the holes with some sense
I'd like to know how you faded
and you threw it away
I'd like to give you all the reasons
and what everything meant
Well I could tell you good-bye
Or maybe see you around
With just a touch of sarcastic thanks
We started out with a bang
And at the top of the world
Now the guns are exhausted
And the bullets are blanks
And everything's blank
If I could only find the words
then I would write them all down
If I could only find a voice I would speak
But it's there in my eyes
so can't you see me tonight
C'Mon and look at me
and read 'em and weep
If I could only find the words
then I would write them all down
If I could only find a voice I would speak
Oh it's there in my eyes
so can't you see me tonight
C'Mon and look at me
and read 'em and weep
I've been whispering softly
Trying to build a cry up to scream
We let the past slip away
And put the future on hold
Now the present is nothing
but a hollowed out dream
I've been dying for hours
Trying to fill up the holes with some sense
I'd like to know why you faded
and you threw it away
I'd like to give you all the reasons
And what everything meant
Well I could tell you good-bye
Or maybe see you around
With just a touch of sarcastic thanks
But now the rooms are all empty
And the candles are dark
The guns are exhausted
The bullets are blanks
And everything's blank
If I could only find the words
then I would write them all down
If I could only find a voice I would speak
oh it's there in my eyes
oh can't you see me tonight
C'Mon and look at me
and read 'em and weep
It's there in my eyes
and coming straight from my heart
It's running silent and angry and deep
It's there in my eyes and it's all I can say
C'Mon and read 'em and weep
Read 'em and weep
For all the hours
we'll be spending alone
Read 'em and weep
For the dreams we'll ignore
Running silent and deep
And all those promises
we promised to keep
They won't be kept anymore
Read 'em and weep
For the magic that
our bodies had made
Read 'em and weep
For the blood that we've lost
Running silent and deep
And all those secrets
that we somehow betrayed
For whatever the cost
Read 'em and weep
For the memories
still alive in the bed
Read 'em and weep
For the lies we believed
Running silent and deep
And all the things
that can never be said
Why don't you look at me
and read 'em and weep
C'Mon and look at me
and read 'em and weep
It's there in my eyes
and coming straight from my heart
It's running silent and angry and deep
it's there in my eyes it's all i can say
C'Mon and look at me
and read 'em and weep.
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