Thanks For Throwing Me A Life Presserver

So tonight, when I finished self-medicating, I came to a few realizations.

1. Self-medicating is very bad.
I think I've finally learned that tonight, while I was laying on the bathroom floor feeling like I was going to die, asking myself... what is it that I am doing with my life. I shouldn't ever be here, in the bathroom, feeling like I am going to die, and worse yet, hoping that I do indeed die. I do have alot of good things in my life. Even if a job isn't one of them. I have people in my life that love me, and they are not going to let me drown.

2. People will always let you down, when you need them the most.
I called Josh, ya know the one who I claim as my best friend, the one who is supposed to be there to lend an ear in times of need. The same one who tonight when I called, said "I'm busy playing monoploy with my new girlfriend, can you call me back tomorrow?" What the fuck kind of shit is that? I would drop everything if he called just to talk about nothing. Much less if he was calling, because he really needed someone to talk to.

3. People will always find a way to surprise you.
I had every intention of going to bed after my last blog post, but that didn't happen. For some reason I do have people in my life that care about me. People like Sandi, and Nate, who sit and talk to me, when I've hit rock bottom, people who tell me, that things are going to be ok, that they are not going to let anything bad happen to me. That they are here for me, and even if I try to push them away, they won't let me. I found something to be thankful for on this thanksgiving, and I can't even begin to express in words how truly thankful I am for them.

4. When one door closes, another one opens.
I think tonight I got something from Josh, that I've been searching for, for almost a year now. I think I may have finally got closure. Him blowing me off, for a girl he just met, I'm pretty sure is enough to make me want to pack my bags, and move on with my life. Then there is Markus, someone, I'm just getting to know, someone who I tried to push away, and even though I tried, he said he really wanted to know what was going on. So I told him, I told him everything, I told him more than I told Sandi, and nate. Markus of all people, why did I feel it was ok to open up to him. What does that mean? And more importantly what does it mean when someone who has there own stuff going on, that they need someone to talk to about the stuff they have going on, dosn't have a problem to listen to someone elses problems, whom they really don't even know. Could it be that he does have feelings for me? Or am I just thinking too far into it? Either way, I know I at least have a good friend in him. Maybe one day it will be more, only time can tell, and I don't want to rush things, not this time, because I'm so sick of rushing things, and getting hurt. My only fear is that me not wanting to rush things will be a hinderance to me and his relationship, if there is going to be one. Again, time will tell, and in time, you will be filled in with the story, as it unfolds.


So yea, my life does truly suck right now, but you know what, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be ok. I don't think I have a choice not to be, at least not with the people I have in my life. I think this may be the start of a new chapter, because as they say, once you hit rock bottom, the only way you have left to go is up. And tonight, I did hit rock bottom, and lucky for me, I have people willing to life me back up, and help me back on my feet. I'm already on my way back up. I've not been able to say that in along time. I lost my job, so what, I'll find a new one. I found out my best friend isn't as good of a friend as I thought, so what, I found out I have at least 3 people in my life, who are better. I even found that when I thought I had nothing to be thankful for, the universe would surprise me, and show me I do in fact have alot to be thankful for. They say things happen in life, that you don't understand at the moment they happen, but in the end it'll all make since, and right now, I have a little clarity, and things seem to be falling into place. I have managed to find hope, when any other time, I would have completely given up, and you know what the best part is, I learned that it's ok, not to do this on your own. It's ok to let people help you, you don't always have to be the strong one. No one will think any less of you, for being weak every once in awhile. Thanks you guys, for being there, and helping me through what may very well be the darkest day of my life thus far... thank you from the bottom of my heart.