Enough is enough

I just did the unthinkable
I texted Josh, and told him I loved him.
I told him that I need to move on,
and I can't without saying it,
so there it is, I just wanted him to know.

I'm sure I just sealed the fate
of our friendship... and I'm ok with that,
I really do need to move on.
I have someone here, who is interested in me
and why should I continue to waste my life
waiting for someone, who isn't?

It would be to hard to remain Josh's friend
and even harder to date anyone,
without him knowing....
so it's all out in the open now
in a short sweet text,
so he can't say he didn't get it
or didn't read it.....

And you know what...
I thought I'd feel something....
but I never thought it would be relive
and that is exactly what I feel right now

Question about a Nightmare

I had a nightmare of Josh dying.
Even if we barley talk now,
even if we aren't like we were before,
I saw myself crying desperately
because I lost him.

The dream dictionary claims
it means the relationship is dead.
Death in dreams indicates
that something is finally over.

I'm leaving something behind
and moving on to something new.
I believe in it. Do you?

But then, in my nightmare...
I was the one who fell apart.
What do you think this means?
Do you think that it's really over now?

A very emotional post

So I spent the last few hours playing games with one of my roomies, having a good time... and then out of no where, it was like I was hit by a freight train of sad thoughts. I realized that it has almost been a year since my Grandfather passed away. I'm having alot of emotions come up about that. There is alot of things I have guilt about, surrounding his death. Some of you may know what I'm talking about. I just feel like a bad grandchild. I feel that I should have spent more time with him while he was alive, and what really hits me the hardest, is the fact that instead of going to see him while he was alive in the hospital, I chose to come and take a nap, because I thought I could go see him the next day. Well I was wrong, I was awoken from my nap, by a phone call from my aunt, telling me that he passed away. To this day, I still regret not going to see him... and people told me, that he knew I loved him, and he would understand why I didn't come see him, but that doesn't help me at all. I still feel so horrible about my choice. Just writing that has brought me to tears, and you would think I would learn from that, and change my actions, but no, I'm still being a bad grandchild, and not spending hardly any time with my Grandma at all. I know she is old, and I should spend as much time with her as I can while she is here, because I may very well wake up tomorrow, and not have another chance. I honestly don't know what it is about me, that makes me the way I am. I mean to a point I do, but I'm punishing her, and the rest of my family for something they had no part in. All the bad things that happened in my childhood, were the fault of my parents, so why do I punish my whole family for what happened?

Then I've been thinking alot about the fact that Josh is gone today. I'm working on moving past these feelings, and I'm making progress, but I still have my bad days. Today is one such day. I don't understand what happened to us. Why do I continue to hear news about his life from someone he wasn't even that close to while he was here. Why does he call her, instead of the person who was supposedly his best friend? I just don't understand what I did, that made him decide I wasn't worth trying to hold on to.

Which leads me right to my next issue of the day. Up until today, I thought that there was a great chance of things working out between me and Markus. Then one comment from someone changed all that. I don't even know if it's true or not, but it is making me lose hope. I'm losing hope because I don't feel that I deserve to be someones second choice, or just an option for them. I have a lot to bring to a relationship, and yet it never seems to be good enough. I'm never good enough, no one ever picks me fist, and that is crap. What is it about me, that makes me such a great friend, but never good enough to be dating material? That or what really pisses me off, is when I'm told that I am too good of a friend to date. WTF, I mean seriously. If I'm such a great friend, and you think I'm a great person, then why would I be too good to date. Stop using that excuse, and tell me the real reasons. There is only one person, whom I don't get upset when I'm told that I was too good of a friend to date, and that is only because the relationship me and her had/have was that of a brother and sister. It would have been to awkward to continue dating, with the bond that we shared. There is only one other person on the face of the planet that I have that bond with, and I would never think about dating him for that reason. Because I know above all else, no matter what happens, when the smoke clears, they are 2 people I can count on to still be by my side. I've never once been let down by either of them, not even in the smallest way. I only have that bond with them, because they shared my childhood with me more or less. They were there when no one else was. They were the only people I could come to about issues I was having at home while growing up. There is something sacred about them to me, and even though I don't call them my best friends, they know they are, I don't have to tell them or anyone else that they are, because friendship like that don't need to be labeled.

No friendship really needs to be labeled at all for that matter. I know there are other people in my life who will be there no matter what for me also, but at the same time, I don't know that. I've seen how easily it is for friendships to just come to an end. Without and real reason as to why, and no words shared between the two. It just happens. People change and grow apart. However, when you've already shared the majority of your life with someone, and you're still as close as ever, I don't think that bond will ever break. Again, I'm not saying any of this to take away from the friendships I have with others, because by far my friends are the greatest people I have ever met. I'm so very lucky to be able to call them my friends. I guess I just have some trust issues I need to work on. However, every time I decide to, I'm reminded why I have the issues to begin with. Take Josh for example, everything was going great between me and him, we were as close as two people can be, who have known each other for the amount of time we did, and then out of nowhere, he just up and left, almost without warning. Things have not been the same since, and things keep getting worse and worse between us. I honestly don't understand why, and I'm to the point where I'm ready to throw in the towel all together. As someone once told me, anything that causes you that much pain, isn't worth having in your life, no matter how good things use to be.

I'm just rambeling now, so I'm going to end this, I'm pretty sure this is a very long post, and I know I've shed many tears while writing it... I guess it's good to get this all out, since I doubt I would have talked to anyone about any of this. Goodnight..... or morning, seeing how the sun is about to rise.

Quotes to brighten your day

WHY WITH AS MUCH PAIN
AS IT ENDURES IN HOLDING ON,
DOES THE HEART REFUSE TO LET GO?

Never regret something
that once made you smile.

Should I smile cuz you are my friend
or cry cuz thats all well ever be?

The thing that makes me cry
is not being able to say goodbye

Never Love Someone With Your Whole Heart,
Because When They're Gone You Will Be Left
With Nothing But A Gaping Whole In Your Chest

Everytime you hug me
i feel my heartbreak.

So...This is letting go...

It hurts to try to forget the love you once had.....
but it hurts more to know you really never will

To love someone so true and so pure
does not mean to be by his side forever,
rather it is to let him be happy,
even if you aren't in the picture

Just because I still manage to smile,
that does not mean I'm over him...

He left and said goodbye, easy and dry...
I broke down and cried,
heart broken wanting to die...

He'll never know how much I love him...

Why is it that i only have one heart...
but it can be broken a million times?

Sometimes the person you fall for
isn't ready to catch you...

"the hardest part of holding on is letting go"

Love is the slowest form of suicide

as you move on, remember me,
remember us and all we used to be..*

Love is giving someone the ability
to HURT you....but trusting them NOT to.

I sat there flipping through
the pages of my diary
smiling
laughing
crying.
I slammed the cover shut...
and promised myself
I would never love again.

Theres a point in life
where being in love with someone
is not enough, unless
they actually feel it ~*too*~

I go to sleep alone
and wake up crying

How can you be so sure
you know what I want
when you don't even know
what you want

"If the person you love
doesn't love you
love the person who does"

And why is it that the ones we love
dont love us and the ones we dont love do.

They say loving you
is my biggest mistake...
But how can it be so wrong
if it feels so right?
If I ever made a mistake,
it`s not that I loved you...
It`s thinking that someday,
you`ll love me too.

Never leave the one you love
for the one you like.
Because the one you
like might leave you for the
one they love.

Longing for soneone
you know isn't there...
That's hope.

Its hard to fake a smile when i see you,
because everytime i see you
my heart keeps on breaking

As each tear drops onto my pillow
I cry myself to sleep.

Why is it that i always
fall for the ones i cant have?


I must be wishing on someone elses star
cause someone always gets what i wished for.


How i wish i was a kid again...
skinned knees were easier to heal
than broken hearts..

Trying to foreget someone u love
is like trying to remmber
someone u never knew...

I have closed the door upon my heart
And i refuse to let any one in,
I trust and love only to be hurt
But, its never going to happen again.
I have locked the door and tossed the key
its closed for good.

I guess it just hasn't sunk in yet.
That i'm never gonna feel
your arms around me
or your lips pressed to mine.
That im never gonna see you again

I thought i was gonna be ok with out you.

So once again I fake a smile
as my whole world falls apart..

Im not a game to play

The Worst Thing To Do
Is To Love Someone,
That Never Loved You.

& maybe i just
wasn't ment to be loved...

& Sometimes when I'm home alone,
i sit & think & wonder about us...
i wonder what i could have done
to make you want me.
I think about it & realize
that no matter what i do,
i'll never be good enough for you...

The worst part about losing you
was not watching you walk away,
but realizing that you weren't
going to turn around...


The worst thing a guy can do
is make you fall in love with him,
using all of his stupid little games
and childish ways to make you
fall deeper and deeper
but never once does he
even consider catching you.."

You should never cry
for anyone who
would never cry for you....

What do you do,
when you fall in love
with the wrong person?

Loving you = killing me

There's always gonna be that guy,
that no matter what happens between you two,
no matter how long you go without talking,
you just never stop loving him.

Even when you think you love someone
who doesn't love you never loose faith
he..she might be the one

Before I knew it,
the dream was all over..

Some dreams just arent
meant to come true;;
and i hate that i learned that from you.

It's hard to admit that
I can't make you happy.

I just want to wake up
and be anybodies somebody.

The only true difference
between you and me is
that i fall in love
and you play the game....

I never knew true pain
until I looked into the eyes
of someone I loved
and they looked away

Words that cannot be said,
Stream down my face.

Sometimes the person u love
just doesnt understand
how much u love them

Everytime i think of you
i always smile before i cry!


And yet i lay here alone once again.
Lost in thought. Lost in the music.
Feeling lyke im never going to win.
My mind is taken over with infatuation of you.
On days lyke this, i realli don't know what to do.



& there you remain a lost hope in my dreams...



I said I didn't wanna be left hanging anymore
and you said "then move on"
but how can I really move if I'm already hanging?

Its hard to wait around for something
that u know will never happen,
but its hard to stop when u know
its everything u've always wanted..

You think that I'd be used to this shit by now...
but it just hurts more and more everytime


The sad part is, I
thought I could get
over you. But now
I have to realize...
I WAS WRONG

If we were meant to be,
we would be together

He hurts me without the slightest of intentions...


Love was never ment for me.

There are things that we
do not want to happen
but have to accept,
things we don't want to know
but have to learn,
and people we can't live without
but have to let go


and i feel lost and hopeless,
i can hardly breath,
icant keep my mind from wondering off,
im slowly losing it all
and my worlds about
to come crashing down..."

I could fill a thousand pages
telling you how I feel,
and you still wouldn't understand.
So now I leave, without a single sound,
except that of my heart
shattering as it hits the ground...

Friendship

So, tonight I've realized that some people who I used to turn to for things, have been replaced by new people. Not really new people per say, just people I've gotten closer to, while other people and I have drifted apart. As a matter of fact, the person I used to hold about everyone else as my best friend, is more or less becoming a mere acquaintance. I'm sure its only normal for that to happen, with the time and space that separates us. I have another friend, who is only separated by a few walls, but with our schedules, and our lives, it is almost just like the person whom I'm separated by miles and miles. I'm real sad about both of these, because both people used to be 2 of the most important people in my life. They used to be the people I turned to for anything and everything, and now, I don't even turn to them at all. I have made some new friends, and gotten closer to some old, but I really hate the fact that I'm losing some of the most important people to me. I know they both say, I'm not losing them, but we all know that is not the case. We've already let space and time come between us, and if we don't try to fix it now, it's just going to get worse. There will just be more space, and more time, and soon, we'll be just a memory of times gone by. I don't want that for either of them, but I guess its not only up to me. I can only do so much, I wrote in the past, not very long ago, that I am a stubborn person, and I don't try to restore balance when I need to, I just let things play out, until there is nothing left.... and so I decided to work on that, and tried to do just that, and I was reminded why I stopped trying, because people don't let you. I'm sure alot has to do with pride on both parts. I don't know, I'm just rambling. I guess I'll end this for now, I'm going to attempt to steal my bed, so I can lay down, and hopefully pass out at a decent hour for a change. Anyways, until next time my lovelies.

So just a quick update

Markus emailed me tonight, we talked about alot of stuff, and we are going to get together later in the week, so we can talk in person. I'm so scared... that someone I like may like me back. I'm sure you are asking yourself, "why are you scared?", and I'm asking myself the same question. I'm not sure I'm even ready for this, I've just now got to the point where I can go a few days without thinking about Josh. Although the reason I've not been thinking about Josh much, is because my mind has been preoccupied with thoughts of Markus, so this might be a good thing. He told me he's been thinking about me, and how I am, and what I'm doing alot here latley. He told me alot of other things also, that I am not going to share on here, because they are private. He is alot like me... well the old me. The person I was before I came out. I hope things work out, at least I hope to be able to be good friends with him if nothing else. I know he needs support right now, and I want to be there for him. Even if it's only as a friend. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, although I'm really excited that he wants to hang out with just me, so we can talk, and the fact that he's been thinking about me alot. I'll keep you posted as the story progresses.

An update

So, its been a few days since I last posted anything of relevance. There isn't really much to report though. However I did think I should make some sort of update. I had an interview Friday, and I think it went well. I'm supposed to know something on Monday, so I'll let you know what happens. Thanksgiving was ok this year. The best part of it was when I went to Melissa's and played monopoly and hung out with her. (Speaking of which, if you read this Melissa, don't forget to bring me my movie back, so I can return it.) I hung out with my cousin and Nate last night, and that was fun. I always have a good time with either of them. Today, well tonight, I've been feeling pretty blah, and not very sociable. Not sure what is wrong with me, I guess it could be that for the past few weeks, I've been hanging out with people alot, and I"m really not used to it. I think I just need time to myself. I hope Sandi isn't mad at me, I kinda got snappy with her via text, I know she is just trying to help, and make sure I'm ok. For some reason, I have a hard time telling people what I need, like when I need space, I feel like I have to go to extremes to get it. Which could be the reason I got snappy. When I need people, for some reason, I try to push people away.... yea I'm a fucked up person, I know. Anyways, I really hope I get the job, because I'm so sick of not working already and it's only been a few days. I can't imagine if I'm unemployed for months again like last year. I shouldn't even think about that, cause I'll end up attracting it... why am I still talking about it... ok moving on. I really hate when I sit down to make a post, and don't really have anything to post about, because then whatever I write really doesn't make since, because it's all just random thoughts as the pop in my head, and they are not very well arranged. I guess I could go back and edit it, so it is, and so it would flow more, but then that would be to much work, and sometimes unedited is better.... and so here we are. Now I'm just rambling, so I guess I'll go ahead and end this.

P.S.
my horoscope today says

You could feel a little at odds in your personal life today, Chris. It's not so much that anything bad is happening. It's more that you are suffering from some feelings of discontent with your life. You could be grumpy about not having as much money as you would like or not living in the kind of house that you want. Try not to take all of this out on your friends today, as they are your alleys.

Maybe I should start reading these before I do anything for the day, maybe then I wouldn't have got snappy with Sandi.

All The Same

I dont mind
where you come from
As long as you come to me
But I dont like illusions
I cant see
Them clearly
I dont care,
no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me
eventually what you'll do
I dont mind
I dont care
As long as you're here

[Chorus]

Go ahead and tell me
you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's all the same

Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
But in-between
it always seems too long
Suddenly
But I have the skill, yeah
I have the will,
to breath you in while I can
However long you stay
is all that I am

I dont mind, I dont care
As long as you're here

Go ahead and tell me
you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's always the same

Wrong or Right
Black or White
If I close my eyes
Its all the same

In my life
The compromise
I'll close my eyes
Its all the same

Go ahead say it
You're leaving
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are now
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

Stole this from Sandi

Last person you had a deep and meaningful conversation with?
Actually it was 3 at once, Sandi, Nate, and Markus

Where was the last place you went?
To the store to get a drink last night

If you could be with your first love, would you?
Nope

Pick people you trust with your life?
Sandi, Nate, Erica, Ray, Angelina, and Melissa

What was the last thing you highlighted?
Um, I have no idea

Who is the last baby that you held?
Um.. yea, I don't hold babys

Do you know of any twins with rhyming names?
Nope

Are you ticklish?
Yes, very much so

Have you ever worn a crown?
Nope

Last time you saw fireworks?
4th Of July

Who is the last person you hugged?
Nate

Do you have a black dog?
Nope

Do you have a little black dress?
Nope

What color is your underwear right now?
Black

Do you like coffee?
Iced :P

Are you missing someone?
Yes

Reason behind why you last cried?
Oh gosh, everything kinda hit me at once last night

How much cash do you have on you?
None, I'm broke *tear*

Where is your computer?
In my room.

Where did you go today?
No where yet, getting ready to go do the whole thanksgiving thing

What are your plans for the weekend?
Hopefully find a job

What's in your freezer?
Some ice cream, some alcohol, some food

How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
None, I use my digital camara.

If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a regret?
With my debts... the $

What's on your mind right now?
Lots of stuff

Do you have a deep dark secret?
Nope, I'm quite open about things.

Wouldn't you rather be with your "lover" right now?
Yes

Who was the hottest teacher you ever had?
None of them really

What was the last thing you ever got grounded for?
Who knows

What was your childhood nickname?
Bubba

Do you have any strange phobias?
I'm very much afraid of clowns

Have you ever played naked twister?
No

Are your parents married, separated, or divorced?
Divorced

What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
Something in my closet, and funny story about that, as a kid, and even now on rare occasions, I sleep walk, and one morning I woke up in my closet, and screamed until my mom came and let me out, because I thought I was locked in.

Who was your first romantic kiss?
Helen

Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet?
OMFG yeah, got a couple of those.

Do you crack your knuckles?
All the damn time.

What's one thing can always be found in your refrigerator?
Soda

What color are your bed sheets?
Red

How many kids do you plan on having?
Not sure

Plans for tonight?
stuff myself with food. It's Thanksgiving.

How would you like to die?
I want something awesome to happen, like for me to spontaneously combust

Have you ever been in love?
Yea, a few times

When is the last time you went out of the state?
To take Margaret to Illinois

Have you ever had a true one-night stand?
Yea, a few, more than I want to admit

We are all human, do you judge someone for a past indiscretion?
I try not to

Generally, in life, what makes you happy?
My friends

Thanks For Throwing Me A Life Presserver

So tonight, when I finished self-medicating, I came to a few realizations.

1. Self-medicating is very bad.
I think I've finally learned that tonight, while I was laying on the bathroom floor feeling like I was going to die, asking myself... what is it that I am doing with my life. I shouldn't ever be here, in the bathroom, feeling like I am going to die, and worse yet, hoping that I do indeed die. I do have alot of good things in my life. Even if a job isn't one of them. I have people in my life that love me, and they are not going to let me drown.

2. People will always let you down, when you need them the most.
I called Josh, ya know the one who I claim as my best friend, the one who is supposed to be there to lend an ear in times of need. The same one who tonight when I called, said "I'm busy playing monoploy with my new girlfriend, can you call me back tomorrow?" What the fuck kind of shit is that? I would drop everything if he called just to talk about nothing. Much less if he was calling, because he really needed someone to talk to.

3. People will always find a way to surprise you.
I had every intention of going to bed after my last blog post, but that didn't happen. For some reason I do have people in my life that care about me. People like Sandi, and Nate, who sit and talk to me, when I've hit rock bottom, people who tell me, that things are going to be ok, that they are not going to let anything bad happen to me. That they are here for me, and even if I try to push them away, they won't let me. I found something to be thankful for on this thanksgiving, and I can't even begin to express in words how truly thankful I am for them.

4. When one door closes, another one opens.
I think tonight I got something from Josh, that I've been searching for, for almost a year now. I think I may have finally got closure. Him blowing me off, for a girl he just met, I'm pretty sure is enough to make me want to pack my bags, and move on with my life. Then there is Markus, someone, I'm just getting to know, someone who I tried to push away, and even though I tried, he said he really wanted to know what was going on. So I told him, I told him everything, I told him more than I told Sandi, and nate. Markus of all people, why did I feel it was ok to open up to him. What does that mean? And more importantly what does it mean when someone who has there own stuff going on, that they need someone to talk to about the stuff they have going on, dosn't have a problem to listen to someone elses problems, whom they really don't even know. Could it be that he does have feelings for me? Or am I just thinking too far into it? Either way, I know I at least have a good friend in him. Maybe one day it will be more, only time can tell, and I don't want to rush things, not this time, because I'm so sick of rushing things, and getting hurt. My only fear is that me not wanting to rush things will be a hinderance to me and his relationship, if there is going to be one. Again, time will tell, and in time, you will be filled in with the story, as it unfolds.


So yea, my life does truly suck right now, but you know what, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be ok. I don't think I have a choice not to be, at least not with the people I have in my life. I think this may be the start of a new chapter, because as they say, once you hit rock bottom, the only way you have left to go is up. And tonight, I did hit rock bottom, and lucky for me, I have people willing to life me back up, and help me back on my feet. I'm already on my way back up. I've not been able to say that in along time. I lost my job, so what, I'll find a new one. I found out my best friend isn't as good of a friend as I thought, so what, I found out I have at least 3 people in my life, who are better. I even found that when I thought I had nothing to be thankful for, the universe would surprise me, and show me I do in fact have alot to be thankful for. They say things happen in life, that you don't understand at the moment they happen, but in the end it'll all make since, and right now, I have a little clarity, and things seem to be falling into place. I have managed to find hope, when any other time, I would have completely given up, and you know what the best part is, I learned that it's ok, not to do this on your own. It's ok to let people help you, you don't always have to be the strong one. No one will think any less of you, for being weak every once in awhile. Thanks you guys, for being there, and helping me through what may very well be the darkest day of my life thus far... thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I'm Drowning.... Help!

It's thanksgiving morning, and I feel I have nothing to be thankful for. My self-medicating, led me to question what I am doing with my life, while laying on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet tonight. This shit is getting bad, and I don't know what to do. I feel so lost and alone right now, I feel like I've let people down, and most importantly, I feel like I've let myself down. This is me being 100% honest, I need help.... I'm drowning, and I can't stop it. I don't know what to do... and I'm so scared. I don't know who to turn to, because I feel like I've cried wolf too many times, and no one is going to come to my aid now that I really need it..... I can't even continue this post, because tears are overwhelming me right now... Maybe I'll write more later, who knows

Wendsday Secrets

The one above made me think of my roomie

Update

So, my email was read, and he responded. He wants to talk... and says he is confused. So I'm not sure what will come of this, but again will keep you informed

I don't know why I feel like I should explain myself when you ask me questions. Sometimes I want to tell you that it's okay, you don't have to get it. You don't have to get me. I don't always get you. And that's okay.

Worried

It's been five days now
and I still haven't heard from him.
He has not even been online
to read the email I sent.

Is he in the hospital?
Is he dead?
Is someone he loves dead?
Has he been suffering?

Or...

Is it just that, for whatever reason,
he hasn't been online?


See? See?!?!
This is why
I work so hard
at not letting
anyone know how I feel.
If I could just believe
that he don't like me
I could get over it.
And if I could believe
that it would never work
even if he did,
I could move on.
And I've considered that.
But what's on my mind more
is whether he's ok.
There's no one I can ask.
No way for me to find out.
I'm this close to calling
every hospital in the area.
Except that feels so invasive.

What do I do?
Nothing to be done.
I just keep on going.

Dammit.

The Chains That Bind

The very well known philosopher Socrates had an allegory about a cave, here is an image of it.

Basically, what this metaphore is trying to show is that, the cave is what stops us from growing as a person. In this cave, the fire is the limited truth we know, the puppeteers are what alter the truths we know, and the shadows on the wall are what we are lead to believe. The prisoners are chained there, and have no choice but to stare at this wall. This is trying to show that our chains are what prevent us from getting up and turning our back on the lies (shadows) and going into the light. Thats' where the sayig "to see the light" comes from.


My Cave



Your cave is supposed to be something that holds you back and prevents you from growing as a person; something that interferes with you becoming who you truly are. For me, that’s my fear of failing and of disappointing not only others, but myself as well. People usually forget the times they were mad at you if it was something small, but they always remember the times you let them down. “I’m disappointed in you,” four words that can break my heart faster than any others. Because of this, I began to make all my decisions revolve around what others want, rather than around myself. For me, success became making others happy, which I often thought led to me being happy, but it was all an illusion.



My interpretation of the cave is that the fire is our limited truth, the puppeteers are the things which alter those truths, and the shadows are the lies we are then lead to believe.



My fire would be the good things I see in myself. For example, I sometimes believe that I am good at writing poetry and photography. But then, when I actually write a poem or take a photo, I never feel proud about my piece, even when people compliment me on it. I always feel like I could have done so much better and that I should have done so much better.



In my opinion, all that would be the result of my puppeteers. In my cave, they are represented by my much too high expectations of myself. I set the bar so high for myself that it has come to a point where it is almost physically impossible for me to succeed in my eyes. Sometimes, I push and I push and I push to the point where I am utterly beat, and there is nothing more I could possibly do at that moment to make my work better, and yet, I still feel it is inadequate.



All of the above creates my shadows, which are my views of myself. When I look at myself, I don’t seem to see the same person as others do. I tend to feel insignificant and unworthy of what I have; I always tend to feel not good enough. It’s like every single thing I do is always insufficient. Even if others approve, even if others think it’s wonderful, in my eyes it never is, and never will be.



The chains are what hold me in the cave, what stop be from getting up and going into the light, going to see what so many others see in me.

For me, my chains would have to be my negative thoughts, the ones created by the shadows I see. By thinking negatively of myself, it causes me to become hopeless and just give up on myself. In my mind, I’ve failed so many times, success seems almost impossible to me; as if it’s just some myth others get to experience. The thoughts are always “No, I can’t do it” or “I’ll never be able to do this!” and after a while, I just begin to believe them more and more until I reach a point where “I can’t”s are all I know. It seems I’ve adopt the saying “A lie becomes truth if told often enough,.”

If ever I managed to break free of my chains, finally stand up and turn my back on the wall of shadows, I believe I would be able to see myself as so many others do. If ever I walked away from those images and out into the light, I think I’d be able to achieve much more, and grow a lot faster as a person.

But, how I will do so is still a mystery to me; yet if it wasn’t, what purpose would there be to continue living?

um...

I'm...
I think, perhaps, for once...
I don't think...

I'm... I'm just...
Maybe it's...

This time... de-

I'm...


I'm not okay.

Right On Cue

I'll laugh at your jokes,
smile when needed
and hug you when asked.
I'll giggle with you,
and get excited about the little things.
I'll tell you what you want to hear,
and listen to what you want to say.
I'll move to Texas just to be near you
I'll tell you I'm happy,
I'll say I'm satisfied,
I'll choke back the tears,
and make sure I'm
the best friend you could hope for.

Delayed Veteran's Day Post:

"A Veteran – whether active duty, retired, National guard, or reserve – is someone who, at one point in life, wrote a blank check made payable to The United States of America, for an amount of 'up to and including my life.' That is honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it."

--Source Unknown

To "j" and "c" and so many others

There are so many people to whom i owe phone calls. people who have been going through difficult times. people who need other people to reach out and acknowledge their pain.

I'm sorry. i haven't been there. I'm sorry that i haven't been there. for you.

what i offer is not in the way of an excuse but, hopefully, an opportunity for insight into my behavior:

i, too, am lonely. and struggling. most days it is a challenge to answer the phone, let alone pick it up and dial out. i never really learned how to communicate effectively. what i learned, instead, was how to stash my emotions away in cloistered rooms of my conscious and subconscious mind where they couldn't be effectively accessed. by myself. by others. where they aren't able to lend their full potential to the project of influencing---or determining---my actions.

what i need you to know is that i do care. i think about all of you. i think about what it must be like to be you, to be experiencing what you are, to be making daily choices based on what information and resources are available to you. what, specifically, those choices, information and resources might be. how you feel afterward. i wonder about you. i wonder what thoughts fill your mind when you sit down to a meal, when you step into the shower, when you lock your front door, when you lay down in bed.

i care.

i just haven't figured out how to harmonize my own problems with yours in a way that allows us to connect. i haven't figured out how to extend myself---inject myself into your world in a more real way than by consideration alone. how to SHOW you i care. how to show you i care without feeling frustrated or further isolated. how to reconcile conflicting emotions and desires.

even now i know what i want to tell you and i am failing.

i love you. i miss you. you are important.

and i am sorry.

What's it like

it really is like T.V.---you really do stand for an hour at the kitchen sink and stare out the window while the dog loses her bladder, whining to be let out.

you really do become confused at the realization that your shirt collar is soaking wet and your lips chapped and salty---you've been crying. no guessing as to how long, or why.

you really do forget where you are, how you got there, what you're doing, where you're going, why you're going there, why you're going anywhere. you forget your name, your phone number, your bank PIN, your wallet.

you really do touch objects---candles, the wall, a rag, a coffee mug---as if they might understand. you caress them softly, absently.

everything really does break down into component parts. colors. smells. shapes. nothing makes any particular, recognizable sense.

all those commercials on television. all the made-for-tv-movies. it's not really an exaggeration. you really do slip away. at your desk. at the dinner table. in your car.

to sleep, perchance to dream

what do you think it feels like to die?
not the often long process toward death,
but the exact moment of it?
the sudden quiet of the heart.
is it that way, even?
does the last beat scream?
or does it whisper?

do you feel pain?
do you feel something approximating peace?
do you fade delicately into that blackness
or does it slash its way brutally
through your last thoughts
and swallow you into itself?

i suppose it is the luxury
of the living to contemplate dying.

but i am genuinely curious.
is it different if you die at your hands
than if you die at someone else's?
or from cancer, a heart attack, a stroke?
does dying feel different depending on
the circumstances under which
you find yourself dying?

do you even notice you're dying?
what really happens?
do you lose consciousness
before the heart actually stops...
or do you become horrifyingly,
fantastically aware of every small thing,
more so than you ever did
your whole life before that moment?
is there a hanging second between
the heart stopping and
the brain shutting off completely?
can you feel your heart stop
and realize you just died?

do some kinds of living
hurt more than dying ever could?

Things that have happened since my last blog post

1. Under the influence of alcohol, I decided it would be a good idea to let somoene know how I felt about them. I'm not sure why I thought this would be a good idea, and I'm so scared of what is going to happen. I'll keep everyone posted on the outcome.

2. I quit my job. The bullshit there got to be too much to handle. However I have a new job, I stat Sunday night, everyone wish me luck.

3. I have found a new best friend, and an old friend and I have gotten alot closer the past few days, well weeks really. I'm so grateful to them both for being in my life. Thanks for being here for me the past few weeks, you have no idea how much your almost constant presence in my life has helped me out through alot of shit that has been going on.

4. I have come to find out that 2 of my roomies are moving soon. I wish them the best, things in this house have not been the greatest for them, or any of us for that matter. I want to apologize for the way someone acts. I hope there are no hard feelings between me and these 2.

5. Another one of my roomies had a date last night, I am real happy for her also, because her date seemed like a real nice person. I hope things work out for the best, because she deserves someone nice in her life.

6. I have found out that as much as I thought I could quit blogging, that I was lying to myself. However I have been being alot more open to some people, because I have had no other way of getting things off my chest. However, I can't keep this hiatus up much longer, as you can tell, since I am blogging right now.

Anyways, I'm back, not any better, but back none the less.

Final Words

I have been progressively becoming unraveled
as all hell has been breaking lose in my life.
I feel like everything is coming apart at the seams.
I feel I have no stability in my life at all.

I also feel as if me and my closest friends are drifting apart.
And being the stubborn mule that I am,
I have refused to back down and restore the balance
when I needed to cause I thought
if they wanted to hear from me, they would have called.
If they wanted to see me, they would have come around.
If they really care, they would have asked.

And in the whole scheme of things,
I overlooked the fact that I was indeed asked
but turned everyone away by saying “I’m alright”
when every single cell in me was crying out the contrary.

Try as I may to deny that I am not dependent
on any one person for anything, it is as it is
a damn wide river that floods over,
bursting its banks in the process
the damn river of denial.

A few things have happened the past few weeks,

I've made a friend, Jon who lives in Ireland,
he's been telling me that it’s alright to feel this way
and that I will eventually come out of it,
but that it’s alright for now to be this way.

I also had a very long talk with a room mate a few nights ago,
about some of the things that have been going on,
and it really helped to clear my head,
although I'm sure he thought we were making
no head way while having the conversation.

Also I wrote myself an email earlier this afternoon
as an apology to myself and in utter honesty
about everything else under this lil rock
that I’ve chosen to hide under.

People need people, and I am no exception.
Why I hide behind this facade of false niceties
or of being bright and cheery, escapes my mind tonight.
I have gone on and let everyone think
that I do not have the time of day for them,
when all I have is time on my side.
And even when I don’t, I can still make the time.

I have been putting my thoughts down here on my blog,
thinking that someone is gonna pick up on it.
But some of the people whose opinions matter the most,
have stopped reading it cause they know
this is not how real friendship works.
You do not have to read about something afterwards,
and I should not have to go on this
round-about way when all I needed to do
was to say, “I’m drowning. Help.”

Oh what a fool I have been. And it’s the first step for me.
To say and see for real that I have been only a fool
to think that people do the things they do for me
cause they feel they are obliged to.
In retrospect, I am a wee small person of little faith.
Cause I have been told often enough
that the nice things done for me,
is out of a genuine want of doing.
But I never believed them.

Jon was right and I see his point now
~ I must realize my own worth before other people
can begin to do the same towards me.~

I may be smart and intelligent but when it comes
to being a person, a human being, I fail so badly at it.
Right up till just now, I struggled with doing
what he was asking me to and not making any headway.

But the essence of it is that if I do not appreciate myself,
I will never be satisfied with the level of kindness and care shown towards me.
I will never feel that I am worth the time of day for people to call and text me.
I will never feel that I am as important to others, as they are too me.
I will feel that my friends that have sit with me on many occasions,
was sitting with me cause they felt he had to,
and not cos they were really concerned that something was not right
and that if they were patient enough, I would come round to talking.
I will never believe that every piece of advice given to me
by the anyone is because they don’t want to see me being stepped over
like a beaten rug and not get anything in return, when it is my right to.

I have left a trail of mess and hurt in the run up of bringing myself to this point.
I have said things that should not have been said,
forgetting that not everyone is the same, and as such,
do not know me on the same degrees.

It’s gonna take a hell lot of effort to clean up the mess.
And another first baby step when and if the moment ever arises,
would be to not sweep it under the carpet as friends say I am famous for doing.
For the written word cannot stand up to the measure of the spoken word.

I have hidden behind the line
“everyone is gonna leave me in the end,
why shouldn't I be the one to take the first step”
so often that I had forgotten that I would be the one
letting them down time and again instead.

All I’ve gotta do is come round to the fact that I am ME
and that this ME does indeed have some qualities
that are worth having around to other people.
And that I cannot be everything to everyone.
But to be something to some people, that says a lot…
especially if they are all still around when I was down.
I've just gotta remember that the next time I go off-balanced.

This blog has always been about my journey towards the good stuff in life,
if you persist thru the bitter and the sour
which is what I write about, it's my way of dealing with these things.
Unfortunately, this writer does not have the will-power
nor strength to go the entire journey.
And so it ends here.. with the bitter and the sour.

My spirit may be broken, totally and utterly right now
and all the fight may have gone out of me.
But I know with my friends around me, and being there
I'm pretty sure I'll find it again. And someday soon,
maybe you'll read about how I am finding my voice once again
but for now, this is it. I'm closing this chapter.


A good song, that I found to be fitting. Here are the lyrics

Meat Loaf - Read 'em and weep

I've been trying for hours
just to think of what exactly to say
I thought I'd leave you with
a letter of fiery speech
Like when an actor makes
an exit at the end of the play
And I've been dying for hours
Trying to fill up all the holes with some sense
I'd like to know how you faded
and you threw it away
I'd like to give you all the reasons
and what everything meant

Well I could tell you good-bye
Or maybe see you around
With just a touch of sarcastic thanks
We started out with a bang
And at the top of the world
Now the guns are exhausted
And the bullets are blanks
And everything's blank

If I could only find the words
then I would write them all down
If I could only find a voice I would speak
But it's there in my eyes
so can't you see me tonight
C'Mon and look at me
and read 'em and weep
If I could only find the words
then I would write them all down
If I could only find a voice I would speak
Oh it's there in my eyes
so can't you see me tonight
C'Mon and look at me
and read 'em and weep

I've been whispering softly
Trying to build a cry up to scream
We let the past slip away
And put the future on hold
Now the present is nothing
but a hollowed out dream
I've been dying for hours
Trying to fill up the holes with some sense
I'd like to know why you faded
and you threw it away
I'd like to give you all the reasons
And what everything meant

Well I could tell you good-bye
Or maybe see you around
With just a touch of sarcastic thanks
But now the rooms are all empty
And the candles are dark
The guns are exhausted
The bullets are blanks
And everything's blank

If I could only find the words
then I would write them all down
If I could only find a voice I would speak
oh it's there in my eyes
oh can't you see me tonight
C'Mon and look at me
and read 'em and weep
It's there in my eyes
and coming straight from my heart
It's running silent and angry and deep
It's there in my eyes and it's all I can say
C'Mon and read 'em and weep

Read 'em and weep
For all the hours
we'll be spending alone
Read 'em and weep
For the dreams we'll ignore
Running silent and deep
And all those promises
we promised to keep
They won't be kept anymore

Read 'em and weep
For the magic that
our bodies had made
Read 'em and weep
For the blood that we've lost
Running silent and deep
And all those secrets
that we somehow betrayed
For whatever the cost

Read 'em and weep
For the memories
still alive in the bed
Read 'em and weep
For the lies we believed
Running silent and deep
And all the things
that can never be said

Why don't you look at me
and read 'em and weep
C'Mon and look at me
and read 'em and weep

It's there in my eyes
and coming straight from my heart
It's running silent and angry and deep
it's there in my eyes it's all i can say
C'Mon and look at me
and read 'em and weep.

Admission

Admission: This guy is very, very, extremely afraid of change. He hates the repetetive routine of his life, but it's safe. Known.

He hides behind the details of it, and it does make sense, in a logical, straight-arrow sort of way. Then, when he is standing firmly in the security of the familiar, he is free to see what he was blind to in his panic. He is reminded that he despises the redundant daily matters. He remembers that he craves the passion of another life.

Yet he is afraid to make that leap. All the details -- the clothes, the posessions, the how and the when -- those are no problem. Or, at least, no emotional problem. Tossing clothing he wouldn't care for was nothing. Putting all his things -- spiritual, creative, and personal history -- into storage and making plans to sell it off was simple enough. Telling his friends that he would soon be departing was tough, yes, but we are all capable of keeping in touch. There aren't many he actually cares to keep forever anyway. (You know who you are, lovies, and you're all here to read this.)

It's the big picture that frightens. He is certain that the comfort of finally being free will more than make up for the losses. Still, the thought of leaving everything he knows is scary. Exciting, but... Scary.


And I'm not writing this with the expectation that I am invited anywhere or by anyone. I'm writing it because it's something I need to face. Which desire is greater? To live the life that I believe I was born to live? Or to stay "safe?"

And do you know what I really want? I want somebody to come along and tell me it's all okay. That I'll be taken care of, and safe, no matter what. That they will stand by and help me through anything. And... That I'm not just wanted, but something more. That I am missed, that I am needed.

And I don't think the person I need to hear these things from, would be willing to say them.

_________________________________

I want to cry. I want my friends, and him. I want my safety, and my passion. I maintain that my best decisions are made on impulse. What is a guy to do when impulse is not an option? When preparations must be made, and fear has time to grab hold? I cannot be walked through life with a hand holding mine to guide me. It's not practical, and it's not fair to the one doing the guiding. I must learn to deal with this on my own. If for no other reason, I must because it only grips me when I am alone.

Perhaps Love

I have happy news to write about.
For one of my best friends
has finally found the one
she has been searching for.

To say he is to be
the greatest love of her life,
it’s too early to say.

And to say that she’s
deeply in love with him,
it’s still hard to say.

But this I know I can say.
He is a very good guy
and that is what she needs
and should have in her life.

He makes her laugh in a way
that I have not seen in awhile
and she is almost always smiling now,
I'm excited that she found him.

And I am so glad for her
for it happened when
we all least expected it.

When she had already
given up on love.

So perhaps love happens
when you’re not looking for it.

Perhaps love happens
only when you are not
walking around with
your heart on your sleeve.

Perhaps love needs
a bit of nudging
and a bit of shuffling around.

But we all know that when it happens,
the sun shines differently.
And when it rains, it no longer pours.

She’s found love.

And I am glad.

Echoes Of Words Past

Come With Me

Come away with me
To anywhere
So long as there is no one else around
I frankly, don't care where.

I just want the world
To fade and fall away
To live on fresh air and sunshine
That'll do me fine
So long as I have you
No one and nothing else matters.

So come away with me
I'll only ask once
And never again.

And if your answer is no
I'd still go
For then there would be no point in staying
To be merely existing.



The face outside the crowd

I would always be
the face outside of your crowd.
Always there but never near enough.
Always happening but never easy-going enough.
Always fun but never the blast.
Always warm but never hot enough.
I will always be.. the last person
to come to your mind for all the things
that you think I don't have enough of.
Yet, somehow I am still called to be here.
I would like to think that if you took the time,
you might find that I am all in all.
But alas, my company's never good enough
to be worth the time.
I do not understand it
and maybe I should not try to.
I do not appreciate it
and maybe I should just accept it.
Or Maybe.. just maybe... it's time I tell you
that you're not enough as well.
And that you're only here because
I'm a realist who knows
that no one could ever be.


My declaration

I'm fine.
There is nothing wrong
with my life as it is now.
I like not being answerable
to anyone for anything.
I like coming home
and turning the key all by myself.
I like not having someone
ask me what I am thinking about.
I like not having anyone
close enough who can hurt me.
I like not having anyone care
about how my day went
or why I am crying.
I'm a sucker for pain
and my life right now
is right up my alley.
So don't pity me.
Why should you care,
when I don't?

why

Why is it that each and every time
I try to do what I have to do...
to put aside what my heart tells me not to...
you have to go make me smile.. and laugh..?
Why...?Please tell me why...
cos it's fast rising from a whisper ... to a scream.

for a boy

This song is just too lovely to be missed.
And well, good words should not
have to wait another minute.. so here goes..

Please don't ask me by John Farnham

Please don't ask me what am i thinking ~ It's about you
And please don't ask me ~ I never can see you
What can i do...
My first impulse is to run to your side
Your heart's not free, and so i must hide

Please don't ask me ~ What i'm gonna say to you
I toss and turn ~ Can't sleep at night
It's worrying me, I go to bed
Turn out the light ~ But your face i see
It only hurts ~ The more i pretend
That we could ever ~ Be more than friends

Please don't ask me ~ Why I'm so in love with you
You could easily make me happy ~ That I know
But I try my best to never tell you so
I will sing to you my love songs
And pretend but I'll keep my distance right down ~ To the end

Please don't ask me why I'm not talking ~ I just can't explain
And please don't ask me ~ Why I go walking out in the rain
I could not live the lie it would take
To have you here would be a mistake

Please don't ask me ~Why I'm so in love with you

No please don't ask me

I was gonna put my comments at the end of the relevant sentences.. but that would be telling too much.. oh well... such is life when you need to borrow the words of another.

As for which boy? didn't you see the title of the song?!

Love

I had wanted to write about love today...
tales of it being extraordinary,
unexpected, eternal, unconditional and pure.

But the words would not come, would not flow.
Maybe it's because it takes the great ones
who have experienced it in such manners
to be able to express it as such.. for the rest of us,
I think the words of Neil Gaiman says it best:

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it?

It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.

You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.

It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind.

It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

I hate love.

And that's all I shall say about that.

Pros and Cons

So I've seen this done on other blogs, and have been thinking about doing it for awhile now, but havn't really had time to do so, nor things to pro/con about. So here is my first Pro/Con post.

Pros.
1. Bearno's delivered a free pizza to me today at work and when the guy brought it in he said "here is a free meal on us", they do this from time to time for the front desk employees, but it's normally on my day off, so I never get to have any, but today I did, and oh my was it good.

2. I managed to get my schedual changed for tomorrow, and I will actually be able to get some sleep tonight, and also be able to hang out with Sandi, and Nate if he comes

3. Me and mom are starting to get along once again, not sure how long that is going to last.


Cons
1. I've been feeling like shit the past few days, and today is no differant, although I'm starting to slowly feel better.

2. Something that happened with a friend of mine and her boyfriend today.

3. Work is boring as hell tonight, and all I want to do is go home, but alas I can't. I just have to sit here and bide my time till 11pm.

Tears

Now I see the time we had before
Is just a passing moment
That we can't share anymore.

I am one of those people, who, while on one hand is able to mix well with people – be the ultimate Social butterfly, but on the other hand, a complete recluse when it comes to what’s going on in my head.

And I've learned that
Written words are not the same
As when you take the time to say it
And let the clouds release the rain.

It takes hell of a lot for me to come out right and speak my mind on matters concerning me. I realize that now, and I also realize that when I do, it is usually when I am at my lowest. When nothing can hurt me any further, than I am already hurting.

And I say one thing each day
Before I lay me down
I thank god for his friendship
Although he's not around

I am also one of those people, not built to be alone. Some people can hack it, find things to occupy their time with. I am unfortunately, not one of such souls. Try as I may to isolate myself in a vacuum, I am slowly collapsing underneath the weight of this self-imposed exile.

And I can't overcome
His memory in my mind
It's a bridge I'll never cross
Until the end of time

And it is for this reason that I have been silent for the last 48 hours or so, besides the last post to this blog. And it is for this reason that I went and sat by myself for a good hour or so in the middle of the field last night, where the I couldn't be found and cried over this barrier that I have built about myself.

As I sit here now, tired as hell, I think I have to sit for a long while on my next day off and ponder what is it that I want for myself. What I want to do in the next year, where I want to live.

And I wish my dreams alone
Would bring back my old friends
Yesterday's just something
I can't mend

For I cannot keep going back and forth in this manner. One fine day soon, if I completely lose it, I’m gonna have no qualms at all about leaving here and never coming back. And that’s gonna hurt so many people who do not deserve to be hurt, least of all by me.

I told my one of my best friends last night, at her insistence.. that I was so very tired. That life was not fair. That why was it some people didn’t have to strive very hard and got everything that they wanted. Yet, no matter how hard I try, I never seem to get what I want.

It was not fair of me to unload it all on her. And as she blinked back tears of sadness for me, she said brokenly that she knew how I was struggling with life but that I should hold on cause God will smile on me one day soon.

And I've broke down for my lost "brother"
and I've died for my mama, too.

I wish I could tell my best friends everything. But even skimming the surface already brought on so much hurt for one of them. I guess I’ll just have to keep it all in then. Cause if they can’t handle the pain of me, no one else would be able to either.

Now my tears fall down for you
For you


Lyrics are from
"Tears Fall Down"
by Hootie & The Blowfish

Rebuilding The Walls

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts that had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things I wish I could do all all over again

It’s yet another start of a long work day. I was very apprehensive as I drove to work, I really thought about calling in, because I am still sick today and I wonder if it will be like yesterday. Weary, dreary and everything else in that vicinity.

But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

In the past week, in the midst of being sick, I have spent most of my time, that was not taking up by work, or by friends, pondering the question of “What if?” So much so, last night when my co-worker got here, she looked me in the eye as I was walking out the door and asked, “What’s on your mind? Something’s bugging you.” I can’t really say. I wish I could. But I can’t. Cause saying things out loud is not allowed. Not anymore.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds that I wish
I could have one more chance to mend

People who get to know me are often surprised by all that I have been though in the span of the last 5 years. How I lived thru the challenges that God somehow seemed fit to put in my life. How I didn’t crumble to the floor, How am I still standing, and still trying to make something of myself.

But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

It’s called learning your lessons and making sure you never repeat them again. And this was something I forgot. My own survival skill. The one thing that has kept me going in the face of whatever personal adversity I have gone thru.

And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all lessons learned.

I have not been as unbalanced as I have been the last couple of weeks. No matter how rough things got, I have at least, always been able to fall asleep and stay asleep. And the thing about not sleeping is this – it allows you to sit and stare at the darkness around you and think things clearly. In the way that it should be thought of. And to see things as they truly are, and not falsely brightened by the mid-day sun.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart

I had always liked to believe that coming thru life, I have never lost bits of my soul. But this is not true. I have been clutching at pieces that no longer exist. Whatever traces of it that remains, it really shouldn’t. Cause I am not made for a world like the world today, with the fair-weathered people that reside in it.

I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned

But they say it’s better late than never. And I've been here often enough to know that it's as easy as getting back on the bike and just start peddling again.

And so now, I have remembered the lessons that I have learnt ~ That it is far better to keep what’s beneath the warm exterior hidden from any living and breathing soul. That it’s okay to be superficial and really not care very much about anything and anyone. That it’s okay to live life in a fleeting manner.

I have nothing but time on my side. And it is long over-due that this facet of me surfaces again. It really shouldn’t come as a surprise how easily I am able to detach myself and be non-chalant about everything that should be important. One just has to see how far down the last mile I would go once I am committed to something, to see that I could also turn this on a roundabout.

I’ll get there eventually.. soonish.. brick by brick, I’ll piece the wall back together again. Cause living is way too over-rated if you ask me. And breathing - let's not even go there. As for praying - well, there are prayers and then THERE ARE PRAYERS. You've just gotta learn to pick the right ones to say. And I've just remembered which are the right ones and which are the wrong ones. And I've definitely gone and said the wrong one. So very wrong one.

It used to be said that underneath this warm exterior is a very broken interior. It can now be said that underneath this warm exterior is a very cold interior. And I think that should suit me just fine.

Lyrics are from
"Lessons Learned"
by Carrie Underwood

missing

I wish I...

*sigh*

What's the point of wishing...

a great reminder

"We cannot live only for ourselves.
A thousand fibers connect us
with our fellow men."
~Herman Melville

sometimes, in our desire to express individuality, we forget how interconnected we are. we forget that all our actions have their corresponding reactions in other people's lives. we forget that for all our outward images of independence, all our lives are linked. our actions will cause a change somehow, in some unknown fashion, in the life of a person we don't know from adam.

this awareness is what is sorely needed in the world today. people need to know that whatever it is that they do, they affect someone else's reality. we all need to know that, whether we like it our not, our reality is not just our own. it's a shared reality. you can't contain ripples in a pool of water. it's bound to spread outward towards the entire lake.

I'm Happy

So last night after work I went out with a friend, and afterwards picked up another friend we all 3 of us hung out.... and i'm going to say something that i haven't said in a really (REALLY) long time.

i'm happy.

i think it's because i've come to terms with everything that's happened to me. i've stopped blaming circumstance and coincidence and i've finally faced the fact that whatever i've gone through, it was because of the choices i made. and i think it was that realization that made things click.

i've learned that ---

1. although i don't always get what i want, what i have can be enough.
2. looking and not touching can be a good thing.
3. wanting something more is a good thing --- if done realistically.
4. when god closes a door and shuts the window, there's always the doggie door! Wink
5. i am NOT super chris and no one expects me to be super chris.
6. i am loved (and now i REALLY know this, and the knowledge isn't just superficial now.).
7. nothing is ever perfect -- but it's in the appreciation of imperfections that one finds the magic in life.

No Man Is An Island

I keep telling myself
that life will get better,
but I've yet to see that happen.

As much as you like to believe
there are people behind you,
people will always let you down
sooner or later.

For this reason
I never expect much anymore,
and I find it very hard
to believe people who try
to have me believe
that there could be
people who might not
let me down.

No man is an island,
but we came into
this world on our own,
and when it's our time to go,
we leave this world alone.

::just like clockwork::

I've begun my annual fall ritual of self-medicating.
Drinking more, smoking more than I should, sleeping more.
Perhaps it's just as simple as losing
an extra hour of daylight that causes this.
Whatever it is, it's like clockwork. Almost.

I want to write in my journal, smoke, and drink.
I want to drink until I'm sober again.
Alas, one of the reasons I don't
(besides all of the "proper" reasons not to binge drink)
drink as much as the little people
in my ears tell me to,
is because I dread, nay FEAR hangovers!

::...I think...::

There's not enough time.
There's never enough time.
There will never BE enough time.

If I could have one wish,
it would be for more time.
Time to live,
think,
read,
sleep,
breathe,
stare into nothingness,
be w/ friends,
spend money in ridiculous ways,
be irresponsible,
lay in bed for no reason,
party,
sing,
listen,
write,
contemplate life's mysteries.
On and on it could go.
Endlessness has no meaning
during this lifetime.
Everything comes to an end
- that's the sad truth
everyone must face
at some time or another.

Sometimes I sit back in my chair,
and simply think.
I think about my past.
I think about my furture.
I think about my present.
I think about my fortune.
I think about my misfortunes
(and I think that I think about these too much).
I think about my dreams,
my ambitions,
my goals,
my accomplishments,
my failings,
my concessions.
I think about my age.
I think about my health.
I think about the fucking speck of something
in my eye that's annoying the shit out of me today.
I think about not being able to do anything
about removing the speck of something.
I think about crying everyday.
I think about going to Dr to get meds.
I think about depression, and what a crutch it is.
I think about generalized anxiety disorder,
and how it makes me want to run away
and smash things when I get stressed out.
I think about leaving.
I think about living in Texas
and the fact that I haven't seen Josh in almost a year.
I think I hate myself more than I should.
I think about loving my family and friends.

I think I'm done. ...for now...I think.

Demons In My Head

This sucks. I'm getting very down again, and it's seemingly due to the usual suspects. My job, my financial situation, my house and the fact that I feel trapped in it, my general state of lethargy...on and on. All week long I was just tired. Tired enough that I wanted to sleep every moment that I could. Why? I go into work everyday after a day off, hating my life; for feeling like I wasted my time away, I get a horrible, sinking feeling every night I have off, knowing that I have to go back to work the next day for another five days of asshole guests, a retard for a manager, a dead-end job, boredom, a minimal salary, etc. Pretty sad that I've not even been at my job for two whole months, and I already despise it. Not just "oh, it's a job, I'll suck it up because it's not that bad," but more like "I fucking HATE wasting my life, facing the goddamned computer screen, acting like I'm working and busy even though I'm not. Then I begin to think: Is this what most people say, after years and years of being at the same job? That they just sucked it up to make a paycheck? That they wasted their entire fucking lives doing something they hated? I don't want to end up like that! I've started thinking about going to the DR to get a RX to help with this sinking feeling in my soul? All I seem to ever want to do is cower in a corner w/ my knees to my chest, in a dark room...or sleep. I can't live like this, dreading everyday, hating my life, feeling guilty, destroying myself because I have no self-esteem, slowly dying everyday at a job (any job) that I hate. Honestly, all this shit in my head makes me physically sick sometimes. I feel like the only way to feel better, is to vomit. Why can't I be like everyone else, and just push this shit down in order to do what is necessary to be "happy," or at the very least...numb enough to not care anymore?

When one door closes another opens

It's time to start fresh.
Time to leave the past in the past.

Welcome to this new place
Hope you enjoy your stay