Missing

Missing, I believe is an appropriate name
for this blog because it can be read as two ways.

1. The act of missing
2. People you are missing

There are some people in life that you would never like to lose,
but disappear regardless of your feelings. This blog is to them.

It is a fact of life that some people you would rather
never be parted with inevitably leave, not necessarily by death.

THE FORGOTTEN:

Sometimes people that you care about more than anything
simply forget about you, or worse you forget about them.
Only years down the road do you ever realize what they meant to you,
and that you can never have them back. (unless you are lucky)

THE DESEASED

This is probably the most common of the "Missing" categories.
Death is an inevitable part of life, though most people refuse to admit it.
The passing of someone that you truly care about is never easy,
but in some ways is probably the most bearable of the missing cases.
I say this because at least you know that if they were alive
you could be with them, on the otherhand it can be the most painful
if you do not believe that there is life after death because
they cease to be, and will never ever be with you again.

THE TRAVELERS

This, as far as I'm concerned, can be the most painful of disappearances.
The disappearances that don't want to be found, or at least by you anyways.
I say that is the most painful because usually you are to be at fault
that the person no longer wishes to be near you, and you can think
about that as long as you wish and pray that it was different,
or that they will come back. The truth of the matter is,
that doesn't necessarily, and probably in a lot of cases, doesnt happen.

So what choice do we have other than to miss?
In the case of nearly departed we must live on
because nothing we can do can bring them back...
but what about the cases of the forgotten and the travellers?
What would be the appropriate answers?
The thing is as much as we miss people,
it doesn't necessarily mean the person we are missing shares our feelings.
Nowadays feelings never seem to be shared in equal amounts,
someone is always way over, and the other far short.
So how do you know if it is right to make the leap?
Try to reach the missing... and in the case of
the travellers will it bring them more anguish?

In the case of the travellers it is entirely possible
they miss you as much as you miss them
and are afraid to act because they feel dumb
about packing up and leaving without further notice.
But if you are willing to take the risk, do you really miss them?
Because you are acting in order to deminish your own feelings,
but what if you are bringing chaos upon their newly constructed lives?
So is it selfish? Suppose that depends on whether
they miss you in return, but how do you know?
Back to square one again.

The past is the past, but should we try to make
amends with it or accept it as it is? Is it alright
to possibly disrupt the future in order to make
amends with the past? Or perhaps fix the past to create a new future?

The scale is balanced but how does everything weigh in?
And what was everything worth to begin with?

Missing someone isn't about how long
it has been since you have seen them
or the amount of time since you've talked.
It's about that very moment when
you're doing something and you wish
that they were right there with you.

So I talked to Helen when I got home, and I must say that what she said, shocked me. She is thinking about joining the military. I asked her if she thought it through all the way, and she said yes... and I asked her what about Justice (her son), and she said that her dad would take care of him, and then I told her that I supported her, and if she did join, I would have more respect for her, than I have for anyone else in my life. I totally respect people who go out, and fight for the freedom, that I enjoy so much. If I wasn't such a chicken shit, I would go join also... but I don't like the thought of war, and I don't support the war our contry is in now, but I support her decision to join, and I support everyone who is over there fighting for our freedom. So I guess if she does join, and gets sent out, it will be at least 2 more years before her and I are back together. I am ok with that.... at least right now that's what I'm telling myself... I just hope she dosn't meet someone else, and fall in love while she is gone... and I hope the same thing for myself.

Goodbye My Lover, By James Blunt

Did I disappoint you
or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty
or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end
before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded
and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine
by eternal right.
Took your soul
out into the night.
It may be over
but it won't stop there,
I am here for you
if you'd only care.
You touched my heart
you touched my soul.
You changed my life
and all my goals.
And love is blind
and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips
and held your head.
Shared your dreams
and shared your bed.
I know you well
I know your smell

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer
but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit -
it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on,
remember me,
Remember us
and all we used to be
I've seen you cry,
I've seen you smile.
I've watched you
sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears
and you know mine.
We've had our doubts
but now we're fine,
And I love you,
I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold
your hand in mine...
...In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear
my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling
at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby,
I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so,
I'm so hollow.

Something I found in an old notebook of mine

If the emptiness could be washed away
the way the waves clear the shore;
If the sadness could disappear
the way the waters rise up to the sky;
If the pain could be turned into its opposite twin
the way I could turn a coin around;
If the love I feel for you could leave my heart
in the only way my soul departs from my body;
maybe things would not be so difficult for me...

Remotely Retarded

Whenever I watched my TV, I had to sit close next to it and take up all the radiation it emits in order for me to switch channels when I want to. It’s a handed down TV and its remote was barely working when I got it till it finally died. The back cover of the battery compartment had been broken and the batteries had to be taped to it to keep them from falling off, and for added fun, you have to slap the remote against your palm to get it to work. After a few weeks, the slapping no longer worked and the remote just stopped operating. The former owner of the TV said the remote had been cranky for sometime already so I never bothered with it anymore thinking it had finally given way. I just contented myself with a remoteless TV until recently…. A friend sent me a bunch of rechargeable batteries along with a re-charger (ok, this is not just an abrupt shift of story but this part is important). A few packs of double As (AA) and a set of triple As (AAA). Now, the AAs are for the cd player but the triples, I’d have to find a use for them. So, looking around for anything to stuff with the smaller batteries, I happened to chance upon the old dusty remote and didn’t waste time. Wasn’t sure they would fit but they did. I secured the battery compartment with a piece of cardboard and a rubber band. I clicked and it happened! After almost two years of manually laboring the TV channels, of suffering and utter ignorance, I came to know. There was nothing wrong with the remote it just needed new batteries.

When The Cat is Away, The Mouse Will Play...Not!

I think my cat has finally caught the mouse that's stealing my crackers. And she made it pay for it. At first I thought Zipper was just playing by herself, hopping about in the living room until I saw this tiny black thing she tossed between her claws. Like a sadistic act of vengeance, she tortured it first. She'd let the poor thing run like it could escape but we all know (and even the mouse itself) that it would never happen; and when it seems like the rat may have gotten away, Zipper hops to intercept it again, BOO! This vicious game lasted about half an hour till the poor mouse was just too weak from the beating. And then she ate it. Ah, the final victory! I felt bad for the vermin but stealing my crackers? That's unforgivable. Now my cat waits beside cabinets, under tables, any possible place a mouse might be hiding and pathways it might possibly run through. My kitty is now a full-pledged feline hunter. She's honed her skills and learned the game of 'Cat and Mouse' and she knows she will always win.

So there are certain people in my life, who think I should move on... and give up on me and Helen. They think that it would be better for me to start dating other people, and stop waiting for her to come back to me. And ya know, they may be right. Cause then at least I would not be alone. I would have someone to go out and do stuff with. And I agree with them, being lonely sucks, and it sucks that I have no one to go out with... I get it, really I do... but still I have to say that yes, my belief is that being with someone who makes you feel shitty, or dosn't honor the person you are is far much worse, then being alone. Helen makes me feel good about myself, and she loves the person that I am, and honors certain beliefs that I have, even though she dosn't have the same beliefs, she is ok with the fact that I do. And I know that one day, her and I will be together again, so why should I start dating other people?

Dedicated To Helen

"Here By Me"
-3 doors down

I hope you’re doing fine out there without me
‘Cause I’m not doing so good without you
The things I thought you’d never know about me
Were the things I guess you always understood

So how could I have been so blind for all these years?
Guess I only see the truth through all this fear,
And living without you…

And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

I can’t take another day without you
‘Cause baby, I could never make it on my own
I’ve been waiting so long, just to hold you
And to be back in your arms where I belong

Sorry I can’t always find the words to say
But everything I’ve ever known gets swept away
Inside of your love…

And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

As the days grow long I see
That time is standing still for me
When you’re not here

Sorry I can’t always find the words to say
Everything I’ve ever known gets swept away
Inside of your love

And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

Last Resort by Papa Roach

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation No breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding

This is my last resort

Cut my life into pieces
I've reached my last resort 
Suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
Do you even care if I die bleeding?
Would it be wrong, would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation out of sight
And I'm contemplating suicide

Chorus:
Cause I'm losin my sight
Losin my mind 
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine 
Losin my sight
Losin my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

I never realized I was spread too thin 
To live was too late, and I was empty within 
Hungry
Feedin off chaos and livin in sin
Downward spiral 
Where do I begin?
It all started when I lost my mother
No love for myself 
And no love for another 
Searching 
To find a love upon a higher level 
Finding nothing but questions and devils 

Chorus

Nothing's all right 
Nothing is fine 
I'm runnin and I'm cryin 
I'm cryin, I'm cryin, I'm cryin, I'm cryin

I can't go on living this way 

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
Would it be wrong, would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation out of sight
And I'm contemplating suicide

Chorus

Nothing's all right
Nothing is fine
I'm runnin and I'm cryin

I CAN'T GO ON LIVING THIS WAY!!!!

Can't go on living this way
Nothing's all..........RIGHT!

i hate hate the fact that joey sent me a text message, that got me thinking and then made me sad, and then sent him one back, and said thanks for that, now I'm sad... and then he asked why, and so I emailed him a long email, about why I am sad, and the fact that I don't think I have ever been this depressed before in my life. Being depressed sucks.. its damn irritating and i hate it. And I hate the fact that he sounded concerned, cause i didn't want to talk about it... i hate to say what i really feel and all cause im afraid it will hurt the other party real bad. so i just take it all out on myself...so no one gets hurt but me. But I sent him the email anyways, and I told him not to think it's cause he is not here, I understand why he is not here, and I am ok with it... we both grew up, and he moved away, and got married, and has a kid... and I know why him and I are not as close as we used to be... so I don't want him to think that is the reason I am sad... It's just my lack of friendships, that have any depth to them. I have alot of friends at work, but they don't know the real me... there are only 3 people who come close, and even they don't know everything about me. I don't know... I just hate not having any real friends anymore... My worst fear is being alone, and that is what I am feeling now days.....

its been a long time
since ive been this down.
or if i've ever been this down.
its times like these i wish
you were here with me.
tears just fall for no reason.
i can hardly open my eyes
cos they hurt too much.
i wish i were dead but
i cant leave you behind.
.....somebody save me.

She is... by "The Fray"

Do not get me wrong
I cannot wait
for you to come home
For now you're not here
and I'm not there,
it's like we're on our own
To figure it out,
consider how to find
a place to stand
Instead of walking away
and instead of nowhere to land

This is going to break
me clean in two
This is going to bring
me close to you

She is everything I need
that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want
that I never knew I needed
(2x)

It's all up in the air
and we stand still
to see what comes down
I don't know where it is,
I don't know when,
but I want you around
When it falls into place
with you and I,
we go from if to when
Your side and mine
are both behind it's indication

This is going to
bring me clarity
This'll take the
heart right out of me

She is everything I need
that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want
that I never knew I needed
(2x)

This is going to bring
me to my knees
I just want to hold
you close to me

She is everything I need
that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want
that I never knew I needed
(2x)

She is everything I needed
She is everything

To my mystery guests

Ok now this post is for everyone who comes here, and dosn't say anything. In the past 2 days since i put up my counter, i have had over 175 hits on my blog, and you know how many comments i got, or tags were left... none besides the ones from the anon person mentioned below, and from myself, and from my friend Melissa, whom i know comes here. Now who are you other 170 something people :)? I just would like to know if you like my blog, hate my blog, whatever... just let me know, that my counter is not crazy, and saying people are coming here, when really no one comes. I don't really care if people come here, i don't put stuff on here for anyone really, besides myself, and a few close friends, so they can keep current on the events in my life, but since other people tend to come here, i would like to know who you are, and maybe become friends with you also :), anyways that is my rant for the night, peace I'm out

To the anon jackass

Ok this post is for one person, and one person only... and since they comment as anon... I don't know who they are, but I am sure they will know who they are when they read this. Helen and I broke up, get over it. It is between me and her... not anyone else. She broke up with me, because she thought it to be best, because right now she is in a postion in life, where she has to take care of her, and her son, and dosn't want me to be dragged through her hell. I know you are going to say, well why dosn't she let you help her?... well I think that is cause she is like me, and dosn't want people to help her, or feel sorry for her. I am the kind of person who trys to work shit out on my own, and not drag other people into it. And she is alot like me in that way. Now with all that said, I am ok with the way things are right now... so if you care about me at all you will be ok with it also. If you can't be ok with it, the least you can do is shut the fuck up about it. I am sick of hearing you say shit about her. We still love each other, and one day we will end up together, and we will get married, and be happy... I know this, and she knows this... and we both know right now is not the time for that to happen. There is a time and place for everything, and when the time comes, and we are in a place in our lives, where we can support each other and catch each other when one falls, then we will be together. And until then we are ok with how things are now.... and again, if you are not, then shut the fuck up... and if you chose not to, and i ever find out who you are, i will never talk to you again, and if you care anything about me, I don't think you want me not to talk to you, or to be on my bad side...

If You're Lucky

Every once in while, people step up.
They rise above themselves.
Sometimes, they fall short.
Life is funny sometimes;
it can push pretty hard,
but if you look close enough,
you find hope ,
in the words of children,
in the bars of a song,
in the eyes of someone you love...
and if you're lucky,
I mean if you're the luckiest person
on this entire planet,
the person you love,
decides to love you back

the trick is to keep breathing...

the trick is to keep breathing...

i'm spending more and more time
not writing what comes into my head.
all the weird and the dark
and the crazy madness
that i don't want to share with anyone.
not you and to a certain extent -
not even with myself.
like all the bad dreams you don't want
to believe you had or were ever capable of having.

i'm not crazy. i'm not crazy. i'm not crazy. i'm not.
and i don't have to keep telling myself that right?
is it better when you stop asking
or is it better that you still ask?
is it worse to be worried about these things all the time
than it is to rush through wild thoughts without reflection?

i keep feeling the need to pull back.
to not go as far as i do.
to be critical of the random excentricities of thought.
to remember that normal people,
whoever they are, don't do that.
don't go into the places that scare themselves.
don't dwell there and poke around and look for trouble.

normal people don't feel themselves
pressed against the face of now.
the rush of personal history crushing them
up against the present moment.
the overwhelming force of it
all spreading them impossibly thin.

normal people don't chill at the thought
of opening up like a door and having
something else step through
and out into their lives.
into the space they occupied.
however breifly. however badly.
something clear of purpose and place,
perfect and righteous and free of all
the tethers and chains that hold
me down here in the dark.

something i don't think i will like very much.

i guess normal people don't have to
worry about becoming normal.

this moment between strangers

somewhere between the
strangers who turn into us,
and the strangers we inevitably become -
are the lives we occupy briefly
and imagine to be the whole of ourselves.

it seems i can no longer find time
to define time... and meaning... and underlying form...
and all those other things that occupied my mind so completely.
is life distracting me from the thoughts
or were the thoughts distracting me from life?
am i better off where i am or where i was?

was i a better stranger once?
will i be a better stranger hence?
am i at least half as far from who i was,
than from who i want to become?
can these things be measured
with any accuracy or meaning?

i know i cannot know for sure -
but it somehow pleases me that
i'm still the kind of person who'll ask
a purely poetic question.
if only to beg poetic answers.

dear ?????


Stop being as mad at me
as the guilt makes me
imagine you to be.

Every day I think of calling you.
Every day I wonder what our lives
would have been like if things
had gone down differently.

I can't say they would have been better.

And that's the closest thing
to solace I've ever been allowed.

Love is...

(because someone asked)

...the brief moment between
breathing in and breathing out.

When you've drawn them in
and taken them deep within yourself.
When you're full of them
and you just pause for that one beat.
Totally sustained and happy and fulfilled.

And then you let them go.
They rush out of you and into memory.
And you spend a while releasing them completely.
And sometimes you spend too long.

And then you breathe them in once more.
Or you breathe in someone new.
Or you never breathe again.

So I have not really wrote anything in here in awhile... so I decided I would make a quick post and update on whats going on in my life. I didn't get the job at Service Net, but I am ok with that, the more I thought about it, the more I think it's for the best. Also I got my acceptance letter for Ivy Tech. So sometime in the near future I have to go take the Compass tast, and then talk to the people in Financial Aid. So that on Aug 21'st I will be starting college. Anyways thats abou tall that has happened since I last wrote in here.

Here is a joke, that I thought was funny

Committee: a group of people
who individually can do nothing
but as a group decide
that nothing can be done.

So The New Foamy Fan Mail Cartoon Rocks
Everyone Should Check It Out
And If You Don't Know Who Foamy Is
Then You Really Are Missing Out
On Some Funny Stuff
So Go Here And Check It Out
www.Illwillpress.com

Your 2005 Song Is

Mr. Brightside by The Killers "It started out with a kiss How did it end up like this It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss" Let's just say you're happy to be done with 2005!

What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?

Very Funny, A Men's Room Monologue

Allow Your Own Inner Light to Guide You.
There comes a time when you must stand alone.
You must feel confident enough
within yourself to follow your own dreams.
You must be willing to make sacrifices.
You must be capable of changing
and rearranging your priorities
so that your final goal can be achieved.
Sometimes, familiarity and comfort
need to be challenged.
There are times when you must take
a few extra chances and create your own realities.
Be strong enough to at least try
to make your life better.
Be confident enough that you won't
settle for a compromise just to get by.
Appreciate yourself by allowing yourself
the opportunities to grow, develop,
and find your true sense of purpose in this life.
Don't stand in someone else's shadow
when it's your sunlight that should lead the way.

How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often. You give and take equally in relationships. You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

Damn card games

I just realized how cruel of a game Solitaire is.
I mean think of the name. Solitaire.
Meaning Solitairy. Meaning alone.
It's a game you play when you're all by yourself.
It reminds you that you have nothing better to do
than play an interactive card game
then watch the various cards bounce across the screen if you finish.
It reminds me that I don't have anyone to talk to,
nowhere to go, no one to be with, that at that moment,
I'm alone in the world. That's kinda pathetic, isn't it?
Wow, I feel like crap now. Pure, lonely, bored, and utter crap.
Thank you Solitaire, for making my day.

so what?

Definition of Maturity

What is maturity?

Statements describing or referring to a mature person:

1. If an individual is going to grow toward
the kind of maturity we are talking about,
he will find it helpful to have secure development,
pre-adult underpinnings - he should not have to deflect
his energies into "refighting" childhood battles or nursing old hurts.
Maturity can only be built on sound foundations.

2. When a person can live with his past
without being bogged down by it,
he remains adaptable,
capable of continued change.

3. Another characteristic of becoming
mature is the development of wisdom.

4. The mature individual can be ribald or genteel,
sweet or acid, jolly or glum. The important point
is that he be alive, with vigorous interests
that make him interesting to be with.
He should have a sense of humor.

5. An important characteristic of the individual
who becomes mature is that he is at home with reality.

6. The mature individual cannot look outer reality
in the face unless he is prepared to look himself
in the face, too. He is at home with himself.

7. It follows that the mature individual has to be able
to love comfortably with his own body, whether it be
strong or weak, handsome or ugly, healthy or failing.

8. If the individual's growth toward maturity is rooted
in the positive emotional bonds of early infancy,
human relationships are going to have a high priority for him.

9. The person equipped with the human sensitivities
that make for maturity will usually have powerful concern
with social problems and ways of alleviating them.

10. For all his social-mindedness, for all his savoring
of human relationships, the maturing individual is not
dependent on always having company.

11. It is apparent that the person who is becoming
mature does not accept values readymade.

12. The mature individual has to learn when
to conform and when not to conform,
when to speak out and when to remain silent.
His values must be so structured and scaled
that he can distinguish between what is
central and inviolable and what is peripheral and expendable -
or at least can be postponed.

13. To live realistically (which by no means forbids
the conscious exploitation and employment of fantasy)
means to live in consciousness of one's own mortality.

14. The mature person knows that he has to go
on choosing alternatives, that each alternative
costs him something, and there are things he will
never be able to do and experience.
He also knows that there are things he will
never be able to do again, that he can never
recapture his youth or relive his first encounters
with certain experiences. He knows that his integrity
is continually threatened by practical demands,
by seductive temptations, by concessions and compromises,
by conflicting values, and can only be preserved
at the cost of some psychic strain.

15. He knows that the only real rewards in life
come with continued growth, and that there is no room
in the one material life he has for major regrets.
This individual who has approached maturity
can know that he has loved, had done his work,
has made his mark on people and, although he wishes
there were more time, that he has made
the most of what there was

In Summary: The adult with a capacity for true maturity
is one who has grown out of childhood experiences
without losing childhood's best traits. He has retained
the basic emotional strengths of infancy,
the stubborn autonomy of "toddlerhood",
the capacity for wonder and pleasure
and playfulness of the preschool years,
the capacity for affiliation and intellectual curiosity
of the school years, and the idealism and passion of adolescence.
He has incorporated these into a new pattern
of simplicity dominated by adult stability,
wisdom, knowledge, sensitivity to other people,
responsibility, strength, and purposefulness.

When things go wrong,
as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging
seems all up hill,
When the funds are low
and the debts are high,
And you want to smile,
but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing
you down a bit,
Rest, if you must-
-but don't you quit.

Life gets hard with
it's twists and turns,
As everyone of us
sometimes learns,
And many a failure
turns about
When he might have won
had he stuck it out;
Don't give up, though t
he pace seems slow--
You might succeed
with another blow.

Often the goal
is nearer than
it seems to a faint
and faltering man,
Often the struggler
has given up
When he might have
captured the victor's cup.
And he learned too late,
when the night slipped down,
How close he was
to the golden crown.

Success is failure
turned inside out--
The silver tint of
the clouds of doubt--
And you never can tell
how close you are,
It may be near
when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight
when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst
that you mustn't quit.

Ok so I posted alot today, some things that I have written in the past few weeks, and some things from my old blog. I hope you enjoy, and sorry for giving you so much to read all at once

The Real World for Me

I have lived in entire deceit,
covering the face everyone sees.
I have lied too long and too often
that I can no longer tell
when I speak the truth.
I seem to think I know myself
but really I do not.
I seem to think I know everything
in this life when I am barely sure
of my own face.
I seem to think I have felt
everything in this world
when I am skeptic of my name
and of my friends.
There is only one thing
I could be certain of---
and that is that I have loved.
But what happened to that love,
I am lost. The answers to my questions
I could only leave to God.
This world offers me no assurance,
neither of lasting happiness.
It seems that happiness----
She is so aloof and always want to fly.
Se could never keep her wings rested for a while.
She needs to move from one soul to another.
And she rarely comes back to the same person...especially to me.

I have loved, but all those are just faint memories
I have trouble remembering now.
I try having faith, but even that is weak.
There is no hope for people like me....
I am too difficult to love. I only beg for a miracle.

I do not want to feel this way.
I do not want to be alone forever.
It gnaws my insides and leaves me empty.
I cannot cry anymore, I am all dried up.
No rain could save me and no fire could warm me.

My soul often leaves my body,
in search for another one like it.
And when it returns, I cry for it. ---
He found none like him.

Why cannot I be loved like so many people?
Am I really that hard to love?
Why have You made me this way?
---just to be alone?
Please, I don't want to be alone?
All I ask is to be loved.

~Trances~

I remember having all the feelings I got,
Happy and sad, they are all I have.
Remember when the world stood beneath our feet?
Showing everyone we are here for our feat.
Remember the words they throw at us?
Or how they're disgusted by what we do?
Yes, those were the good days.
Fighting against an enemy we cannot see.
Crying the tears behind these walls.
I remember them all,
But do you?
I remember you so well,
But do you?
For now, as I look at you,
I just remembered…
You are no longer the person I once knew.

A Time When...
(Repost)

There comes a time that
when Friendship dies,
it never goes back to life;

There comes a time that
when You turn your back on someone,
there really is no going back;

There comes a time that when
You betray a friend,
you lose that friend forever;

There comes a time that when
You hurt a friend, the scar
is deep enough to
open the wound again;

There comes a time that when
You only think of yourself,
you lose everyone in the process;

There comes a time that when
You choose to take advantage of a friend,
you're throwing away one
of the greatest treasures;

Because sometimes, there comes a time
that when You lose something important,
You lose it FOREVER.

This might be the only way

i have made fool of myself
longer than i should have.
i have endured all the pain
i should never have.
i have blinded myself
when the truth was
slapping me on and on.
why did i ever refuse
to see the truth?
why did i ever
have to believe in hope?
false hope.
foolish me.
again and again,
i asked God for a sign...
to tell me what to do...
to make me understand...
could i have just
misunderstood the signs?
could i have just ignored them?
foolish me.
and now...
now that i have had enough...

now that i have had enough...
the only way to free myself from you...
is to hate you...
i have to...
even when there
is no reason to...
other than me loving you,
so damn much...
i have to hate you.
and i will.
this time.
for good.

self-imprisoned

I feel like a prisoner in my own shell.
I try to move away but they keep chasing.
Sometimes, I just want to be left alone.
And sometimes, I just want to be with someone.
Somewhere in the middle---
that's where I am most of the time.
You could say I am lost.
Because right now,
I don't know where to go.
I am on neither side of the coin.
And I simply cannot choose.
---because I don't know where I am happy.

I'm so sick of life.

I'm so sick of myself.

I'm so sick of all the bullshit I get from worthless people.

I'm so sick of loving and getting hurt.

I'm so sick of hoping but nothing good ever comes.

Sick of all the strength I keep pulling out yet everything goes to waste
the more I fight, the more I lose.

God, what do you want me to do?

When everything I do seems fruitless?

The Darker Side

Little by little, I fall
into pieces I could not count;
One by one, the memories go
into a far away oblivion.
Voices of you I keep hearing
Feelings of desire that slowly eats me
I need it much I push it away
---that is how love works for me.

Demons..

There are questions
that still linger..
Questions that I need
to know the answers to
but answers that
I'm afraid to hear..
Answers that can
confirm my fears..

"Are you or are you not???"
(pardon the vagueness...)

what should I do?
Should I learn to live
with these questions unanswered
because it's best to stay that way,
or should I muster up all the courage
I need to confront it head on,
and deal with it no matter
how it's gonna end up?

Thankfully, I have a friend
with whom I can share
these feelings with..
At least my worries
can be less daunting..
Thank you , Angelina..
Thank you for always willing
to lend a helping hand
when I needed one.
You don't know how much
that means to me..
Hopefully, in time,
I'll learn how not to be fickle..
Hopefully, in time,
I'll learn how to let go
of my demons, my fears..

In time..

Someday..

Somehow..

Somewhere...

Hopefully...

As I've told you,
I believe that all things
meant to be will
always find a way..
Only time will tell how
this story will unfold
but till then, I have to live
in what I have now,
the present.. That's all we really
could do right now, isn't it??

And to you, Angelina,
I know you're going through
your own heartaches
right now.. I am here..
I'll be here to listen to
your rants the same way
you do with mine..
We'll be the diary
of each other's lives..
It will just be between
the two of us..
thank you again..

100 things about me

1. Born in Jeffersonville, Indiana, April 14th 1984.

2. Lived in Sellersburg Indiana until I turned 18

3. Since turning 18, and my parents got divorced I have moved 7 times

4. I’ve been out of this country once, I went to Canada

5. I have a fantasy about living there one day.

6. I learned to drive when I was 17.

7. I passed my drivering test the first time.

8. I can’t blow a bubble with gum, or whistle. There, I’ve told the world.

9. #8 is two of my biggest embarrassments.

10. Sometimes I get my left and right confused.

11. I graduated mid term in h.s. to get an early start in college

12. I loathe the fact of #10. I missed so much during my senior year, and 4 years later I have yet to start college

13. I’ve weighed the same since High School.

14. If I could, I would live on biscuits and gravy.

15. I’m lazy when it comes to exercise.

16. I’m staggeringly uncoordinated. I couldn’t catch a ball if you paid me.

17. I was always the last to be picked for the team.

18. The biggest paradox in my life is that I’m afraid of being alone. So much so that I spend my days at home or at work, and I tend not to let people get close to me cause I am scared they will leve me, and I will be alone.

19. It’s a paradox, because I’m alone anyways, cause I won't let people close to me.

20. I am very unsure of my faith, I don't even know what I believe in anymore.

21. My favorite tv show is boy meets world. So much of it is like my life

22. My favorite movie is Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind.

23. My best friend of 10 years moved to Las Vegas 2 years ago which is what started #18.

24. My other best friend, has all but stopped talking to me also, which again has something to do with #18.

25. When I was in primary school, I wanted to be an astronaut, a vet, and a archeologist.

26. When I was 14, I went through a phase of wanting to be a wrestler.

27. Since High school, I have decided I want to be a teacher.

28. I'm hopeing to make #27 come true in the next few years, with any luck I'll be starting college on Aug 21'st this year

29. I started writing poetry when I was 13.

30. I’d like to learn to play Gutair before I die.

31. I've started to read alot here latley, something I hated to do while in school.

32. I've had a low self-esteem every since I can remember.

33. My self-esteem went on a downward spiral because of crummy school grades, some bullies who had nothing better to do than pick on me, and my father who labelled me as a failure.

34. I still resent my father for ignoring me most my life, and not seeming to want anything to do with me

35. I started smoking when I was 21, and people tell me how pointless it was to start then

36. I had my first beer at the age of 15. I remember how I sat in a corner and wondered what all the fuss was about.

37. I've started drinking mixed drinks though and I love them.

38. I fancied myself a goth for years. I wasn’t. I just wore black and scowled a lot.

39. I still wear a lot of black, but I smile more.

40. Me and my fiance got engaged on Oct 31'st 2005.

41. Set our wedding date for Oct 31'st 2006

42. Since then alot has happend and we recently broke up.

43. Helen was my first and only TRUE love.

44. I have a fear of large groups, and people looking at me as a leader.

45. Which brings me to the next paradox: I’m a customer service manager at work.

46. I am an undiagnosed manic depressive, with adhd, and ocd.

47. My ocd isn't the good kind where you clean all the time either.

48. I was starting to get better (with my M.D.) while Helen and I were together.

49. The love she showed me until she moved, was more than enough to start getting over depression

50. As a result of her moving, I'm slipping back into depression at a fast rate

51. I had a near-death experience while swimming in the ocean when I was young.

52. As a result, I panic when I smell salt water.

53. I am trying to find who I am, and everytime I get close, everything changes

54. I have 3 pets (2 cats and a dog).

55. None of them were named by me, all of them were given to me since I moved away from mom.

56. Zipper, one of my cats, is the weirdest cat I have ever seen.

57. Sasha, my dog, and Rusty, my other cat, get along, and it's very weird watching the two play.

58. I hate licking stamps.

59. Actually I hate the post office, and try to avoid going there at all costs.

60. I read eclectically – if someone recommends a book, I read it to understand more about that person.

61. I can’t grasp the fact that I’ll only ever be able to be myself and not other people.

62. If you didn’t understand #61, don’t worry – sometimes I tend to overthink life.

63. Speaking of #60, I am the same way with music.

64. I have a dream of going to space one day.

65. And having a magazine column.

66. And writing a poetry book.

67. I also have a plan to invent something that will make laundry so much easier.(well it's something a friend of mine and me were talking about, his idea so I can't take credit)

68. I will miss said friend if I get my new job in the next few days

69. I worry constantly – about being alone (see #18), about loved ones dying, about whether people like me, about whether I’m on the life-path I’m supposed to be, about whether my house is clean enough, about whether I’m ever going to meet the one for me.

70. I want to be able to do my best at everything. I worry about being a failure (see #33).

71. I am going to put more effort into college than I did in high school (my gpa was 2.5).

72. I find I want to call Joey and tell him every thing that happens in my life cause he used to be there when anything happened and since he moved(see #23), I feel that he should still know.

73. It took 4 years from graduation to apply for college.

74. I hope to get my acceptance letter soon, so I can do the whole financial aid thing and that way I will know for sure I am starting on Aug 21.

75. I can't wait for Helen to get back to this area.

76. I believe that we will get married on Halloween, just maybe not this year.

77. I think it's better that we are waiting though, and taking a break, we both still have alot of growing up to do, and growing in general.

78. I’ve never known such grief as when she moved and never want to again.

79. I hate it when people move away.

80. I plan to make it to las vegas, and virginia sometime this summer

81. But I won’t: I'm poor, and can't afford to do so.

82. I guess I should mention Helen moved to VA.

83. If I could I would buy a plane and go to Las Vegas and VA every week

84. I love to play bingo, and go to Ceasers or any other casino for that matter.

85. My best trait is that I try very hard not to be judgmental. I give everyone, a chance to be friends with me, though I tend not to let them get close to me, and avoid hanging out when ever I can

86. Which has resulted in a whole bunch of what a friend calls “stalkers”. I tend to pick up strays who have nowhere else to go and then get stuck with them, and when I don't hang out with them they get mad at me.

87. I don’t believe there is any right religion…

88. Which has got me into a lot of trouble when I’ve spoken to people who think there way is the only way

89. I don't like organized religion

90. I hate bigotry, which I think is rooted in ignorance.

91. I can’t decide if I am going to quit my currant job, should I be offered this new one

92. The way to my heart is through my mind.

93. My cat is starting to get on my nerves, she keeps wanting to play, and has almost unplugged the computer 3 times now.

94. I am running out of things to say, I am glad I am almost to 100.

95. I’m a careless house-keeper. I care about dust and dirt, not untidy piles of clothes, or mail scattered over the kitchen counter.

96. I’m an introvert – I love being on my own.

97. Which again is a paradox of fearing being alone

98. I hate my hair, cause it is curly and sometimes unmanageable, when it starts to get long

99. But I apparently like it, cause I don't get it cut that often, yet another paradox

100. I found writing this incredibly therapeutic. Thanks for reading

In My Life

In my life,
gifts have been recieved,
thoughts provoked,
temptations succumb to.

In my life,
love has not been truly defined,
symbols given new meanings,
walls have been broken down.

In my life,
tears have been shed,
pain has been inflicted and accepted,
scornful words placed upon people.

In my life,
I have watched the moon rise,
I have smelled the air in the highest mountains,
I have felt the touch of one's most beloved.

In my life,
through the trials and tribulations,
I have succeeded and become unstoppable.

In my life,
I have realized much,
spoken too little,
missed out on many things.

In my life,
I have found knowledge,
I have found answeres,
I have found who I am inside.

So I had my interview yesterday... and I think it went well. I should be getting a call tomorrow, and I will know if I got the job or not. I think I am really going to like it. I am scared though to be leaving my other job, the one that I have had for almost 6 years, and I am also scared that I will lose contact with all the great people I've met there. I have alot of people I call my friend at work, but I only see them at work... I guess that would be cause I spend 40 hours a week with them, and the rest of the time we are busy doing things we need to do. Anyways, I talked to Helen yesterday before my interview online, and called her on my way to ask her a question... I am worried about her. So much is going on in her life.... and I just wish I could make it all better. I understand why she broke up with me, I did the same thing a while back, and I wasn't going through half the shit she is. She dosn't deserve what she is going through, she dosn't deserve that kind of pain... I hope things get better for her soon. Anyways, I can't belive I am up at this hour, I guess I need to take a nap before I have to go to work... I need to make the best of these next few days there, they may be my last... that is so sad...... watch me chicken out and not take the job if it is offered to me... but I think I would like it so much.... I don't know what I am going to do... I'll keep you informed :), well I am going to take a nap, take it easy.

.::.Change is in the air.::.
.:.Single, New Job, College.:.

So alot has happened since I last posted, well besides the survey. I got a call from Sevice Net, which with any luck, I'll be getting an interview soon, and be able to start working there. I really think its time for me to change Jobs, I am so burnt out at walmart, its the same shit just a differant day, the only reason I continue to go besides the need for money, is that I love the people I work with... well most of them anyways. Then Sat morning, I get an email from Helen, and well long story short, we broke up... it came as a shock, but I can't be mad at her, I've done this many times in the past... and she has good reasons. I replied to her email, but never got anything back, and have not talked to her since. As much as I want to wait for her, cause I think she is the one, I don't think I am going to... I mean things between me and her... always get fucked up... and I am losing faith at us ever making it. I guess only time will tell, cause I am a firm believer in "if it's meant to be it will be". I found out, yesterday, that since I am now single there are some people who are interested in me... and one of them in paticular, I am interested in also... so I guess we'll see what happens. I am not going to hold my breath though, I am sure things won't work, they never do... I am getting to the point where I am ok with the fact that I may never truly fall in love, and have the feelings returned, and also have those feelings last. Anyways today, Erica went with me to Ivy Tech State College to put in my application... and if I get accepted.. which I am sure I will, then all I have to do is get financial aid, and/or studant loans, and I will be back in school. Well I guess thats about all that has happened in my life, the past few days, besides Insight being stupid and my internet hasn't been working cause they are doing matinence on it.. but it seems to be ok now. Well anyways, I'll write more later, if I get time... if not, then sometime soon i will post more.

.::UPDATE SINCE POSTED::.
Got another call from service net and my interview it tomorrow

Work Related Lessons

LESSON 1:

A crow was sitting on a tree,
doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow,
and asked him,
"Can I also sit like you
and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing,
you must be sitting very, very high up.


LESSON 2:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get
to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,
"but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the bull "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung
and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight,
there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer,
who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top,
but it won't keep you there.


LESSON 3:

A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold, that the bird froze
and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by
and dropped some dung on it.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,
it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon
began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird
singing and came to investigate. Following the sound,
the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The Morals of this story:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

100 things about ME

100 facts about ME!

1. EVER BEEN GIVEN A RING? no
2. LONGEST RELATIONSHIP? 1.5 years on and off
3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED: $100 for my birthday
4. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU DROPPED YOUR CELL? at least twice a day..
5. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT? the end of march
6. THING(S) YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON? gambleing, and smoking
7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE? Arbys beef and chedder
8. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? eyes, and personality
9. ONE FAVORITE SONG: I miss you by blink 182
10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE? Sellersburg
11. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTEND(ED)? Silver Creek
12. CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER? Verizon
13. FAVORITE MALL STORE: Wal*Mart
14. LONGEST JOB HELD: going on 6 years
15. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE? yeah
16. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE? sometimes
17. LAST WEDDING ATTENDED? Jon's Mom's
18. IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY, which friend would you call first: It's a toss up between Joey, and Melissa
19. LAST TIME YOU ATTENDED CHURCH? um... lets see.. along time ago
20. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT: McDonalds
21. BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE HEARD: Friends forever
23. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS? Dennys
24. CAN YOU COOK? Does Ramen count ;-D
25. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE? 93 Chevy Corsica
26. BEST KISSER? ...
27. LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Sat. morning
28. MOST DISLIKED FOOD? Rice
29. THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF: thats a tough one... get back to me on that :)
30. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE RIGHT NOW: kinda sorda maybe
32. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB? um... like 14 hours
33. FAVORITE MOVIE? Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
34. CAN YOU SING? only when I am alone :)
35. LAST CONCERT ATTENDED? Um... the only one i've been to was summer sanatorium, and that was a few years ago
36. LAST KISS? the middle of jan
37. LAST MOVIE RENTED: Waiting
38. THING YOU NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT? cell, wallet, lighter, and cigs
39. FAVORITE VACATION SPOT? The Smokey Mountains
40. DO YOU LIKE CHINESE FOOD? i love it :)
41. HOW BIG IS YOUR BED? full
42. IS YOUR ROOM CLEAN? sure :)
44. FAVORITE COMEDIAN? Ellen Degenerese
46. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES ON? um wifebeater and shorts
47. WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT? my cat
48. DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK? in my case, no
49. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE? 3 times
50. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST? pancakes
51. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE? only if its not hot :)
52. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? scrambled with cheese
53. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY? I read my horoscope everyday
54. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Ray
55. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST? My mom
56. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECIEVED? Helen
57. MCDONALDS OR BURGER KING? McDonalds
59. WHAT ARE YOU HEARING RIGHT NOW? my air conditioner :)
62. CAN YOU PLAY POOL? no
63. DO YOU LIKE TO SWIM? yea
64. FAVORITE FLAVOR OF ICE CREAM? Super man
65. DO YOU LIKE MAPS? no
66. TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF: I love to hike
68. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY? nope
69. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? Fall
70. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID? today
71. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING? 10am
72. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER? snow
73. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET? in 2003
75. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET? Buckshot
76. DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED? overrated
77. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND: working
79. WHAT IS THE THIRD LETTER OF YOUR NAME? r
80. HOW OLD ARE YOUR PETS? 10 year old dog, 4 year old cat, and a 2 year old cat
81. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BOOKBAG? don't have one right now, but will be getting one soon
82. ARE YOU SICK? nope
83. DO YOU GO TO SCHOOL? no -.- but today I applied at Ivy Tech
84. IS THE BATHROOM OPEN? yes
85. ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP? i wish
86. WHAT PHRASE DO YOU SAY MOST OFTEN? whatever
87. ARE YOU SMILING? not right now :)
88. DO YOU HAVE HAIR GEL? yep
89. ARE YOU A BLONDE? no
90. DO YOU DREAM IN COLOR? yes
91. DO YOU HAVE A NICE BUTT? not sure ;)
92. ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?no but i wish i could go back
94. WHAT WILL YOU NAME YOUR CHILDREN? girl:Heaven Lee boy: Joey Lee
95.WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHING SUIT/TRUNKS? don't got any right now
96. DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST? it did when I went
97. DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH? no
98. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE? no
99. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? yea, a few times, but only once have I had the feelings returned
100. IF YOU COULD HAVE 1 THING RIGHT NOW, IT WOULD BE? To know that I was going to get accepted to Ivy tech, and to get a call about my possible new job

Repost

"I'm your friend, not your boyfriend.
I'm the one you run to when
you have problems with your boyfriend.
I'm the one you vent to.
The one you see as a brother.
Your confidant.
The one you hang out with all the time.
The one you think is the coolest guy in the world.
The one who knows exactly what to say to make you smile.
The one who always makes you feel better.
The crazy guy who can be serious when needed to be.
The one who shows you the affection you need when no one else will.
I'm the one you look at everyday,
but never see that I'm what you're looking for.
I'm the one who hurts everyday
just looking at you and knowing
that I'll never be anything more than your friend.
The one who lies awake at night
wishing you were holding me and I was holding you.
The one who will always love you.
The one who is always here for you.
The one who would do anything for you."

"Maybe one day you'll see
what's right in front of your face."

I'm the guy girls are friends with.
The one they talk to when
they have problems with their boyfriends.
The one they look at like a brother.
The one who will always be the friend.

Sometimes,I wish
I could just go to sleep.

I keep meeting the same people
over and over again.
They have different faces,
but they don't fool me.
I wonder what they want.

Yes, it's starting to get to me.

The past few days
I've really come to appreciate
friends who listen to me,
not just sit there and wait
for their turn to talk.
I never thought it would
really matter that much,
but it does. I have also come
to appreciate friends
who not only listen,
but don't pity me
- at least not to
my face, anyway.

So I was reading this, and again got depressed, it's called college friends, and even though I have not moved away to go to college, or even started college yet for that matter, it still hit home, I have had a friend that moved to the other side of the country, and this speaks alot of that, but it's on his end not mine, but anyways, I decided to post this on here, its a good read. I'll write more at the bottom. :)

Maybe the time has gone, but the faces I recall. Things in this life change very slowly, if they ever change at all. The scary part being that we've all been hit with change lately, and it doesn't seem to have come slowly at all. Do you remember the day you left home? I'm sure that you do. But I'll bet that what you remember even more clearly were the days in the week before you left. You know, the days that you spent getting addresses, phone numbers, and email addresses and trying to figure out how to say good-bye to everyone that you've loved for as long as you could remember.

Do you remember standing by your best friend's car one night, after midnight, trying to sum up the meaning of a friendship you'd managed to maintain through thick and thin for years? Do you remember how hard that was, to think of how to say good-bye to that one person? It was nearly impossible, wasn't it, to give them that one last hug and turn around and walk inside?

I'll bet the part of what you remember was the night before you left, kissing your girlfriend or boyfriend good-bye one last time. Just knowing that you'd have to turn around and walk back inside was almost motivation enough not to leave. Stepping back to take one last look at that person you love--it's really scary. And you go and you tell yourself that you won't ever find someone new. You won't ever replace your old friends. You'll never fall in love again.

It's really crazy,what kinds of things can happen when you don't mean for them to. You get to a new place full of strangers. You meet people who forget you. You forget people who you meet. But sometimes, you come across some extra ordinarily special people. They have tears to shed, too. They also left people that they love behind. They're still in love with that girl or boy back home where they used to live, and they all want someone to talk to. So you talk. Talk is good. You form bonds you never thought you'd form. You call your old friends and tell them about the new ones. Sometimes, they don't understand. Sometimes, you hurt their feelings. Sometimes everyone is a bit jealous. You miss your girlfriend or boyfriend.

One day you're sitting in the park, thinking about all that stuff you didn't want to leave, and a stranger sits down near you. Sometimes that person stays a stranger. Other times you talk to him or her. Sometimes you experience things you didn't want to ever happen. You become interested in a person that isn't your girlfriend or boyfriend at home. Sometimes college is really complicated.

Sometimes you stay together, other times you break up. Sometimes you think you've done the wrong thing by coming so far away from home. And sometimes when you start thinking like this, it's time to make a change. So when this happens, you sit down and turn on your stereo, and that song "Leaving on a Jet Plane" from the Armageddon soundtrack is on, or The Eagles "Sad Cafe" song, and you wonder if you can still recall all the faces from your past. So, you pick up the phone and you call them all just to say, "Hi, I love you, I'm thinking about you." And then just as an after thought you say, "You know, I'm really learning a lot from college. I wish you would visit all of my friends. They would love you. And you would love them. They're very important to me."

Because, after all this is college. And college is a growing experience. Growing experiences cause change is hard. But whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

So call your parents. Call your siblings. Call your best friend. Or your boyfriend or girlfriend. Or even your ex, if that's how it worked out. Tell them hello. Tell them that you miss and love them. And then, turn off your stereo, walk out of your dorm room. Go to a new friend's room and give them a big hug and say, "Thanks so much for being here. I love you."

You learn a lot when you go to college. You learn that pulling an all-nighter means staying up all night to study for a test you will then sleep through. You learn to appreciate the taste of beer-the cheapest of all alcoholic beverages. You learn that you can roll out of bed 10 minutes before class and go to class looking like shit-and no one will notice or care. You learn you really can do things for yourself without your parents looking over your shoulder--but you also learn you never realized how nice it was to have them there, just in case. More than anything, however, you learn how much your friends really mean to you. College friends come to mean a lot to you, but they can never compare to your friends from home. Your friends from home teach you the meaning of friendship during your college years. Because you are apart from them you tend to express your feelings more --- you learn how much these people truly affect your life.

You've got your best friend who exemplifies friendship-they call at least once a week, sends email every day, and even sends you real mail. You feel like you never left each other...they still know everything about you, and even over the Internet can tell when something is wrong. They teache you that distance doesn't have to change a friendship at all. Then there is your other best friend. The one that rarely calls or writes and they don't do the email thing. At times you think they have forgotten about you...until you hear from them. You hear from them for the first time in almost two months-and nothing has changed. You are still you and they are still them --even though you never talk you are as close as ever, you are still the best of friends. You find yourself expressing to them just how much they mean to you -- because you realize it now more than ever. They teache you that true friends are friends in the soul... separation cant tear them apart.

Then there are those friends that you sort of lost touch with those last few months of high school and during the summer. You were busy, they were busy...but somehow, the magic of email has brought you closer together than you ever were in four years at the same school. You share secrets, heartache, and joy...it's another person who cares about you as long as you will care about them too. Away from all the pettiness of high school, you've finally formed an adult relationship...and you realize just how great a friend this person is suddenly, the people that you thought for sure you would lose touch with in college are the ones you're keepin closest contact with--and you miss them more than you ever thought possible. Sadly enough, there are also the friends that you were closest to in high school who drift too far for you to hold onto. You've both changed and suddenly you don't have much to say to each other. But these people teach you a lesson too, they make you value the others, the ones you have stayed close to, that much more. These distant friends, though you miss them when you rarely think of them, show you who your forever friends really are-and they make you appreciate those forevers much more than before.

College is rough. College severs some bonds and solidifies others...it puts a distance between you and the ones you love. But it teaches you so much. It forces your real friends to come to the front, while the rest take their places in the shadows of your memories. In college you lose some people -- but through real friendship and the strength of the soul (which is where real friends join as one) you keep the ones you will need most in your life.

So there is just one more thing I want to say about this. To someone who was my best friend, all through school, and even for a few years after... then something happened, and now we hardly ever talk... and I just want to say I'm sorry... and what makes me depressed is the fact that I don't want her to "take her place in the shadows of my memories" (quote from above... well sorda). However I guess it's not up to me, I know she has a new friend, who is a better friend than I ever was... and I am happy for her, I know her new friend will be the forever friend I always said I would be. It just still makes me sad, the distance between us, and the lack of communication. But I guess everything happens for the best, I guess one day I will understand how what happend to this friendship was for the best, or maybe I never will.

No Way Out

(just something I wrote a few days ago)

Could you tell me what I'm doing here?
'Cause I'm feeling kinda useless.
I'm tired of the hypocracy
and all the lame-ass excuses.
I never know what I jump into
'til I'm six feet underground;
Can't you see I'm dying here?
I guess I fell without a sound.

Would you tell me where I'm coming from?
'Cause I'm starting to forget.
Of course, this doesn't save me
From the guilt and the regret.
I've finally started breaking--
I could only bend so far;
Oh, God, could someone tell me
When did life get so damn hard?

Can you tell me where I'm going now?
'Cause I think I've lost my way.
The path was oh-so-clear once,
But it went hazier today.
All these questions have no answers,
They just solidify my doubt;
Always running 'round in circles--
I suspect there's no way out.

Skies and Waters

"Have you ever flown?"
A bird once asked a fish.

"No." The little fish replied.
"Have you ever touched
the waters and swam?"
The little fish asked afterwards.

"No, I haven't"

The little bird who has
always flown and soared
the skies but whose feathers
never touched the waters;
and the little fish who has
always ventured the waters
but was left only staring
up at the sky were quiet after that.

"Would you like to feel the sea?"
The little fish asked.

"Yes, I'd like to. ---Would you also
like to touch the sky?"
The little bird also offered.

"Yes. Thank you."

So, one day the little bird
took the little fish out
of the water and took
the little fish aflight
up to the sky.
But haven't gotten too far
from the surface, the little fish
started choking. So, the little bird
brought the little fish back to the water.

"I'm sorry", said the little fish.
"It seems I cannot come
with you to the sky and fly."

"Do not worry, I could always
still come here to you."
Responded the little bird.

And one other day,
it was the little bird
whose turn came to see
and feel the waters.
The little fish guided
the little bird down
to the sea but not even
reaching a meter down,
the little bird began
struggling with his wings.
So, the little fish swam fast
to reach the surface with the little bird.

"Forgive me. Seems like I cannot go
with you down there." Said the little bird.

"No need to apologize."

"Seems like you alone
are meant to swim the oceans."
Said the little bird sadly.

"And seems like you alone
are meant to soar through the skies."
Continued the little fish
with just as much sadness
as the little bird.

"I cannot come with you
and swim the seven seas..."

"And I cannot come with you,
either, and see all sorts of skies..."

"But we can still meet here in the middle."
Suggested the little fish.

"Yes, I'd love that too."

The little bird and the little fish,
with two very different worlds
between them, created very uniquely
from the other, have two hearts
beating with the same song.

And so, even when one cannot join
the other in a different place,
they continue to grow and love one another.

One must let the other be where
it should be and there grow in its own beauty.
For only in true love can there
be true and utter freedom.

Love does not promise togetherness
all the time or requited affections...
but in love there is always the promise
of tomorrow that continues on...
One can go on loving another
even without the other's
physical presence or same feelings...

Some may only understand
what this story tells
when that someone has
already felt such love.

Ok, so I am going to admit, the past week or so, I have been depressed.
and people keep asking me whats wrong, and frankly, I don't know...
I mean, my life isn't that bad, but there are just alot of things starting to get to me
I feel like I don't have any friends anymore, I mean I know alot of great people at work
but.... me and them don't have the things that me and my "friends" had...
I know I was told time and again, that I would lose my "School Friends"
I was told it's part of growing up, but I didn't want to believe it... I mean
with everything we went through, I thought we could make it past high school
but I am starting to learn that I was wrong, I don't talk to any of them anymore
and my new friends... well like I said they are great and all, but...
there is just something missing from them, that my old friends shared
I guess... its that they didn't grow up with me, and don't really know me...
Then there is the fact that I am broke, and I am so sick of being broke
I have been broke the majority of my life, and you would think I would be used to it
but now being out on my own, it hits harder than it did before...
I feel like I can't afford to take care of myself.... I can't seem to make ends meet
and I am getting so sick of work, I am so burnt out. I dread getting up every morning
knowing that I have to go there for 8 hours a day, and so I cut my hours
and that is making my money situation even worse.... and then I come home
which I also dread, cause I know when I get here, I am going to be alone...
and there is not much more that I hate then being alone....
it's getting to the point where I don't even want to get out of bed anymore
I have nothing to live for, and the one person that gives my life a little bit of meaning
lives like 500 miles away, and has no plans of coming back here anytime soon
and then I think of moving down there to be with her, and then that just makes me see
how depressed I really am, cause I have nothing to worry about when it comes to moving
no one will truly miss me, I mean no one sees me now as it is....
which makes me even more depressed... cause I have become invisible in my own life
I don't know... I've dug myself into a pit, that I can't get out of alone...
and there is no one here that can help or seems to want to help me out.
I just feel so lost, and trapped, and there is nothing I can do that makes things better
I guess I am done whining about my life, its not like anyone cares anyways
and if they do, the won't care enough to do anything about it....
they all think I am a lost cause, who knows maybe I am....