"Freedom"

No matter who you are or what you feel about homosexuality - if you are gay, lesbian, trans gendered, bisexual, bi-curious, metro sexual, heterosexual, celibate, hermaphrodite, a satyr, a succubus, a fucking human being - and especially if you are a fucking human being, and really want to live in a country where all people are equal - not separate, nor "civil-unionized", not lied to about your rights - realize that same sex marriage will not harm you. It will not make gay people more "gay". It will not make you gay unless you already are. It will not make your children gay unless they already are. It will not change your life in the least, unless you are gay and want to marry your partner. Then it will transform your life, because it will change your status from second-class to first-, where we should be.
If we are not absolutely insistent, unflinching, strident about lifting the ban on same-sex marriage, then we might as well forfeit the Constitution, cross out all the Amendments, knock down the Statue of Liberty, reverse Roe v. Wade, pretend Stonewall never happened, reinstate Prohibition, deny women the right to vote, derail the Underground Railroad, bring back slavery, retrieve all the tea bags from Boston Harbor (actually let them steep - gay marriage is still legal in Massachusetts, for now), give Patrick Henry death instead of life (he's fucking dead now, anyway), knock Paul Ravere off his horse, realize that George Washington lied, albeit posthumously, get back on the Mayflower and go back to England. The only problem would be, trying to bring the Native Americans back to life and restore their nations that we so cavalierly destroyed in our own pursuit of religious "freedom".
Without the reality of same-sex marriage, there is no freedom. This is not an argument about homosexuality, or God, or what is in the Bible, or what your moral value system is or what you feel is ethical. It is a no-argument zone. No spins here, not in the least. It is about upholding the idea that America is the representation of freedom in the world. That to be an American is to be free. Unless we have same-sex marriage recognized and legalized by every state, then we are not free. We are hypocrites, for we are according freedoms to a certain group in our population while denying those same rights to others. It is discrimination, and that is that.

My awakening

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!


Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on.


And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective.


This is your awakening.


You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something, or someone, to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren’t always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you. Then a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.


So you begin making your way through the “reality of today” rather than holding out for the “promise of tomorrow.” You realize that much of who you are, and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you’ve received over the course of a lifetime. And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about:


* how you should look and how much you should weigh
* what you should wear and where you should shop
* where you should live or what type of car your should drive
* who you should sleep with and how you should behave
* who you should marry and why you should stay
* the importance of having children or what you owe your family


Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really believe in. And you begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with.


You accept the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that’s OK... they are entitled to their own views and opinions. And, you come to terms with the fact that you will never be a “perfect 10” Or a perfect human being for that matter. So you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head or agonizing over how you compare. And you take a long look at yourself in the mirror and you make a promise to give yourself the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others. Then a sense of confidence is born of self-approval.


And, you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” hungry for your next fix, a new outfit, another pair of shoes or looks of approval and admiration from family, friends or even strangers who pass by. Then you discover that “it is truly in giving that we receive" and that the joy and abundance you seek grows out of the giving. And you recognize the importance of “creating” & “contributing” rather than “obtaining” & “accumulating.”


And you give thanks for the simple things you’ve been blessed with; things that millions of people upon the face of the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed and the freedom to pursue your own dreams.


And then you begin to love and to care for yourself. You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors including participating in dysfunctional relationships. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and exercising. And because you’ve learned that fatigue drains the spirit and creates doubt and fear, you give yourself permission to rest. And just as food is fuel for the body, laughter is fuel for the spirit and so you make it a point to create time for play.


Then you learn about love and relationships, how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. And you allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with there touch. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally and that not everyone will always come through and interestingly enough, it’s not always about you. So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to you or weren’t done for you. And you learn to keep your Ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns; anger, jealousy and resentment.


You learn how to say I was wrong and to forgive people for their own human frailties. You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture. And, at the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want or expect certain things. And you learn the importance of communicating your needs with confidence and grace. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake. Then you learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that you don’t know all the answers, it’s not your job to save the world and that sometimes you just need to Let Go.


Moreover, you learn to look at people as they really are and not as you would want them to be, and you are careful not to project your neediness or insecurities onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the person on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and relationships and that that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to. So you stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given. And suddenly you realize that it’s wrong to demand that someone live their life or sacrifice their dreams just to serve your needs, ease your insecurities, or meet “your” standards and expectations. You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations. And you learn what it means to love. So you stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that “alone” does not mean “lonely” and you begin to discover the joy of spending time “with yourself” and “on yourself.” Then you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know. Self Love. And so, it comes to pass that through understanding your heart heals; and now all new things are possible.


Moving along, you begin to avoid Toxic people and conversations. And you stop wasting time and energy rehashing your situation with family and friends. You learn that talk doesn’t change things and that unrequited wishes can only serve to keep you trapped in the past. So, you stop lamenting over what could or should have been and you make a decision to leave the past behind. Then you begin to invest your time and energy to affect positive change. You take a personal inventory of all your strengths and weaknesses and the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead. You set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through.


You learn that life isn’t always fair and you don’t always get what you think you deserve and you stop personalizing every loss or disappointment. You learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of God... but merely a random act of fate.


And you stop looking for guarantees because you’ve learned that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens, you’ll learn to deal with it. And you learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber of all time FEAR itself. So you learn to step right into and through your fears because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophesy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom.


Then, YOU LEARN ABOUT MONEY... the personal power and independence it brings and the options it creates. And you recognize the necessity to create your own personal wealth. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. Then a sense of power is born of self-reliance. And you live with honor and integrity because you know that these principles are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build your life. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful opportunity and exciting possibility. Then you hang a wind chime outside your window to remind yourself what beauty there is in Simplicity.


Finally, with courage in your heart you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Make me good, God. But not yet.

If I were a saint,
which maybe I want to be,
maybe I don't,
I would be like Augustine.
He knew there was good in him,
and he knew there was
some not-so-good.
And he didn't want to give up
his earthly pleasures
before he was good and ready.

Sadness

I am exhausted.
Not physically,
but mentally
and emotionally.
And today was not a good day
to be in such a state.

I read somewhere
that a person's state
does not normally last beyond minutes.
I have defied that law today.
And it has drained me just as

A friend of mine said
I really shouldn't be in this state.
We had always known that said bitch of the year
(pardon the French but as you can see,
there is still residue rage going on)
was not worthy to be in my life.
Family or not, no one has the right,
to talk to me the way she has my entire life.
And he is right.

Last night, before I closed my eyes,
I whispered something to the wind
and in it there was the thought that if I died,
that I could be done with my problems.

Perhaps I am just sad.

But I'm going to give myself
to the end of this blog
to feel something besides sadness,
for as I spent pacing the house,
or laying in bed feeling sad,
my world turned as it usually does,
like any other day.
So why should I carry this weight
aroud me any more ?

I have done enough.
Enough with that entire episode.
I had drawn to the tip of my tongue
a retort that if I thought,
really thought and believed
that by dying myself, right now,
could go back and undo
all the wrong decisions I had made,
I would do it.
But no, I don't really think that way,
nor believe it to be true.

And so, I shall take the advice of a poet:

Welcome and live sadness intensively
for a determined amount of period.
Be completely submersed in this feeling.
Once you’ve let sadness pay you a visit,
then kindly ask it to leave.
Sadness is then satisfied and leaves.

Sadness,
I have welcomed and embraced you today.
I allowed you to follow me around
like a shadow everywhere.
It was a fruitful day
and I hope you had a blast.
But the sun has set
and the moon has risen.
In hours, a new day will begin,
and I would like it to be my own.
With that, I am asking you politely
to leave me now.

Thank you.

Stories

In response to someone's opinion,
I have asked myself more than once
"Is that really who I am?" or
"Is that really the way I seem to people?"

And I forget.

I forget that perception is colored by experience
-- Not only someone's experience of me,
but of their entire life.
I am certain that I do seem
one way or another
to that person.
It may be because of what I have done or said.
But it is also because of the way
they have written me as
a character in the story of their life.

We all write our own stories.
I am the main character in mine.
(Sometimes the hero,
sometimes the villain,
but always me.)
Everyone else is a secondary character.
Or tertiary... Or...
Well, you get the point.
But that is only in my story.
In my head.
I see them as a certain way,
but this is only the way that they are to me.
In someone else's story,
they are the main character.
And I am... Whatever they decide that I am.

It is relatively easy for me
to accept that everyone else
is probably different than the way
that I percieve them.
That I am only seeing
a portion of who they are.
I can often remember that
when one person speaks of another,
it is only their judgment or idea of things,
and not the truth of that soul.

I forget that, when someone speaks of me,
they are only speaking of what their ideas are.
I forget that I am not the main character.
They do not see my actions or words
through my point of view,
nor hear my inner dialogue.
They do not know my motives.
They only know that
the character they have written for me
is doing or saying something
that does or does not fit with their story.

Have you seen that guy?

Innocent, Confident
With a hint of curiosity

and an air of what you see

is what you get
fun to be around
Laugh at himself
Never worried
Life is short but whats the hurry
Bright-eyed and

ready to take on the world

Have you seen that guy
That everybody says I used to be
Have you seen that guy
Where along the way did I lose me?

He was full of life
Looked on the brighter side
If it was worth a chance he'd take it
Said that life is what you make it
But a few wrong moves

led to a few wrong turns
And once your burned

your not the same
You tend to shy from the flame
I hate to think he's givin up his dream

I Don't Actually Like the Word "Random."

- I don't actually like the word "random." I feel it has become overused in recent years. It's like some sort of mythical 'cool badge,' applied haphazardly to people too lazy or incapable of actual humor or wit. Granted, it can be funny, but it isn't magic. It should be used only sparingly, like garlic or speckled shoe laces.

- I think my vision got worse over the weekend. I've noticed that I cannot discern numbers on the television from the same seat and same distance as before the weekend. I also squint a little bit more with my computer. It kinda sucks. I guess I'm gonna have to bump eye care up on the 'to-do' list.

- I don't like being pressured about things. I'm a pretty laid-back person, and when I feel like someone is trying to pressure me into something, I tend to shut down. I also try very hard to set low expectations about engagments, like certain parties or events, because I honestly don't know if I will be able to make them. When it turns out I can't, I prefer that there was no serious expectation that I would have been there in the first place, because I hate letting people down. I hate it even more when they can't handle it like an adult once I tell them that I can't make it.

- Of related topic, there are few people on this planet that are more emotionally-capable and prepared to write someone off with no remorse and no chance of reconciliation. I don't know if it's a strength of my character or a flaw, or a little bit of both, but I can say goodbye forever and never change my mind.

- I would be a very successful person if I could turn that energy and determination to other areas in my life. If I ever figure out how, or rather, decide to, that would be great. So... yeah.

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

I awoke today thinking about forgiveness.

We have all had occasions where
we have either been asked
to pardon or to seek penance.
What I find rather interesting
is how difficult we often find it
to forgive - ourselves.

In the course of living life,
we all come across stumbling blocks
that are thrown in our way.
There is little we can do about their presence,
we simply must learn how to navigate them.

I find it curious that even with
all of those things that can not be helped,
we have this way of placing their burdens
squarely upon our own shoulders
- heaping guilt and blame where
it simply does not belong.
It is much like the baggage we all carry,
though with the additional weight of guilt.

We have all done it I believe,
played the If Only I Had Done This Game.

I think, that if we find ourselves
in a situation where we are placing
blame upon ourselves, we need to first ask,
"Could I have changed anything?"
Is there realistically anything that
we could have done to modify the outcome?

We all have hopes, dreams and goals
- things that we wished we could have done;
however, if you did all that you could in the moment,
there is no guilt to be had. Not an ounce.
We can only do what we can do
- especially if those things involve the cooperation of others.

Sometimes, we must forgive ourselves,
realizing that we did all we could
and that no one blames us but ourselves.

The time for pardon has come.
The time for removing that weight of the past
and setting it aside so that you can walk a little taller.
It does not mean we forget
our promises to ourselves or to others,
it only means that we remove
the heaviness of unnecessary guilt
that lies upon our soul.

Carry only those things with you
that whisper of the past beautifully
and those that speak to the future and your goals for it.

Lost

I looked for you today,
searched for your hand
with the blindness that comes with surety
and as I reached for you
- all I found was empty air.
There was little surprise
- only a deep and abiding loneliness
accompanied by the knowledge
that it is I that let go.

I released my hold,
my fingers slipping from yours
as I spotted that butterfly
just over the horizon and I gave chase.

The butterfly eluded me
and when I turned back to find you
- you were gone.

Vanished like some figment of my imagination
- almost as though you were never there. Almost.

I know better than to attempt to
fool myself into believing
the scars do not remain.
They are deep and only the surface has healed.

I find myself at a loss.
Uncertain where my path will lead.
In my naivete, I counted on you
always being there
and now you've left a hole.

I think, I will just settle right here
- sit down for a spell
and perhaps the wind
will blow something
in my path to fill it with.

Or perhaps, I will gather the strength
to get up and find it on my own.

Dream a little dream of me

Things remembered amidst the space between slumber, things forgotten when one is awake. Where the deepest layers of memories become become the outmost layers of one's dreams.

Which is reality? Which are illusions? One cannot tell amidst the languor upon an awakening. Yet in this lassitude are remnants of the past dreams and memories.

Or perhaps they are: At the same time, both truth and fiction.

A vast nebulous with no boundaries... An emptiness equivalent to my own existence. I dreamt such a dream... A never ending dream... And in this dream I saw you…

I saw us.

Riches Lost

Sometimes I think I see him -- in a crowd, walking along the street, in a car on some random bit of road. It's never really him. Still, in that brief instant of imagined recognition, I want to abandon my securities and fly to him. I want to take a running leap and give him a huge hug, and tell him... what?

It drives me insane. I find myself looking for him. I mean really searching, as if I expect him to show up at any moment and sit down to lunch, or ask me how he's supposed to know which tomato is just ripe enough. And it hurts. It hurts because he's not really gone. We live in the same area, and we probably go to some of the same places. It would be easier if he were dead. I could mourn, and grieve, and visit his grave instead of wondering what he's doing right now and if he's happy. Wondering if he's forgotten me.

The stupid thing is, it was always me pushing him away. I lied, and I broke his heart too many times to count. And always he came back to me. I guess it was love. Near the end, I was trying so hard to pull myself together to make things right with him. I left him when he said he stayed because he was too afraid of change. I guess it was only fair that I should have my heart broken as well.

I hope he remembers the good things. I hope he remembers the tickle-wars, and the quiet phone calls before bed. I want him to remember the park in spring, when we would take turns in the grass and giving each other massages. Or sitting in the shade and watching other people's kids. I know I do. I remember making love -- we almost never had sex, it was always making love -- in the middle of the night, or suprising him at the door on his lunch break. I remember walking together, and how it was always a stroll even when it was just from the car to a building. I remember all the joy and happiness that we had and I hope that he remembers, too. I hope he never settles for anything less than that. I hope that the next person he finds who enjoys thunderstorms as much as he does is better at loving him than I was.

I still look for him. I think I'm really looking for that feeling. I'm looking for the energy and the being alive and the.... Lightening.

The thing is, I don't really know how to speak plainly. I can be vague, and metaphorical, and make all sorts of nonsense with words. When it comes time to simply say something, though, I lose all sense of language. It either comes out as complete gibberish, or it comes out blunt to the point of rudeness. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Generation Gap

As a generation,
we are socially accepting
and internationally minded.
We are activists,
much unlike our silent parents.
The internet links us
–to members of our generation
both in America
and around the world–
and there is a sense
that we are all in this together.
There is a sense that
the generations before us
have done us wrong
–from the policies of George W. Bush
to the allowance of the Middle East
to spiral so far downwards
following the world wars.
As a generation, we are optimistic.
We await the day when
we turn old enough to rank higher,
change more, and do better.
We await the day when
we will right these wrongs
and make future generations
respect our label
–our Millennial label."

Quote

"When our hopes give way to reality and we finally have to surrender to the truth, it just means we've lost today's battle, not tomorrows war. Here's the thing about surrender, once you do it, once you actually give in, you forget why you were even fighting in the first place."

These letters, these notes. I read them from time to time. You give so much and yet, I know nothing about you. I get curious. I seek you out. I read, I watch, I listen. And then I get busy and go away for awhile. We are connected through pages and phrases and words. But we know nothing of each other, really. I see that sometimes you struggle. I'm struggling too and we both want happiness. I wish you to find it. I really do.

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

I Hope It Gives You Hell (All American Rejects)

I wake up every evening
With a big smile on my face
And it never feels out of place.
And you're still probably working
At a 9 to 5 pace
I wonder how bad that tastes

When you see my face
I hope it gives you hell,
I hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
I hope it gives you hell,
I hope it gives you hell

Now where's your picket fence love
And where's that shiny car
Did it ever get you far?
You never seem so tense, love
Never seen you fall so hard
Do you know where you are?

Truth be told I miss you
Truth be told I'm lying

Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself
Where did it all go wrong?
But the list goes on and on

Now you'll never see
What you've done to me
You can take back your memories
They're no good to me
And here's all your lies
If you look me in the eyes
With the sad, sad look
That you wear so well

When you see my face
I hope it gives you hell,
I hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
I hope it gives you hell,
I hope it gives you hell
If you find a man
that's worth the damn
and treats you well
Then he's a fool
you're just as well
hope it gives you hell

Okay, people, let’s get a few things straight:

If you see a phone to my ear, and I turn my head toward you, DO NOT ask me where the vending machines are before I even have a chance to TAKE A BREATH to ask you to wait a moment. Got it?

DO NOT crowd the desk. I can only deal with ONE guest at a time. Wait in LINE like you were taught in kindergarten.

When you call me, DO NOT keep talking to whoever it is in the room with you while I’m trying to answer the phone. I won’t bother waiting for you, I’ll just go on with my spiel. For that matter, you only need to press the zero key once, so don't press it again if I can't get to the phone in less than two seconds. Thanks for busting my eardrum with the button-pushing.

If you ask me for a pool towel, and you really want two, say so to begin with.

Don’t shove your credit card and rewards card in my face. Please just wait until I ask for them. And when I tell you the rate, DO NOT say, “That’s not what you’ve been charging me.” Kindly INFORM me you’re a regular guest BEFORE complaining about the rate, plskthx.

Is it THAT difficult to understand that I CAN’T tell you the room number for anyone else? I told you your son will be close to you, that should be sufficient, especially considering we’re BOOKED SOLID tonight. He is next door to you, but I am not about to tell you that. For one thing, I can’t always guarantee it. For another, I can’t tell you because IT’S NOT YOUR ROOM. Chill

Go ahead, interrupt me with a question while I'm trying to answer your last one. I will interrupt your current question to answer it, since you're just going on and babbling and giving me more info I just don't need..

QUIT INTERRUPTING MY CHECK-IN PROCESS! You throw me off and make me forget things when you do that. Wait until I am done to ask your questions.

When I ask you to hold, DO NOT ASK ME IF YOU CAN BE CONNECTED TO SOMEONE’S room. I asked you to hold, not what you wanted. Did you not hear me?!

Coming Around

You know, I've been thinking.

For a long time now, I've had practically no patience for people, especially with regards to romantic interests. I never thought it would be the case, but after a few bad relationships, I felt like I was completely incapable of giving anymore. I bought-in to a flawed mindset: I figured that I had already given too much. Looking back, I felt that I had compromised too much of myself in order to make poor relationships work. While that's true to an extent, I was missing the point all along. During these relationships with men I was actually incompatible with, I lost things.

I lost self-confidence. Not in myself, per se, but in certain facets of my personality. I noticed recently that I'll say things that are innocent and/or acceptable on their own merits, but because I'm so accustomed to the mentally unstable inquisitions of former lovers, I'll immediately justify what I've said to minimalize any confusion. Any friction. When you've had "what the hell is that supposed to mean?" thrown at you over and over, you start to immediately go into damage control. This is usually unnecessary with emotionally-capable adults,

I also lost a lot of perspective... or, rather, I gained a new perspective. Once I realized that the problem wasn't with me, I ran full-steam ahead in the other direction: I lost any and all accountability for myself. I started thinking that I would just wait until I found someone who would be exactly what I wanted, having little patience with any sort of compromise. I'd keep myself closed off, and once I felt that there was something I didn't like, I'd cut them loose and move on. I used to pray for someone to care about, and who would care about me. Then I just started hoping for someone to tolerate.

I'm starting to come around again, though. I think I'd be pretty happy with finding someone to care about, and taking the time to figure out the balance between who I am, and who he needs me to be. Life is about balance, and compromise, while keeping perspective on what is important to you. Maybe I'll find him soon, maybe I'll have to wait some more... and maybe, just maybe, we've already spoken.

"What is an archer Without a target?"

"Our goals should be entirely personal. No one knows us better than we know ourselves. There is only one universal goal: a gracious death with no regrets."
--365 Tao -- Daily Meditations; by Deng Ming-Dao

A death with no regrets.
That is a goal indeed.
I have very few regrets.
(One major one,
with several minor tie-ins.
The story is familiar
and not the purpose
of this writing.)
Shall I live each day
with this in mind?
What will I regret?

What would I do
if I could live perfectly?

Not as a perfect being, no.
Who could live that way?
But as a life that I can
look back on with a smile.
A life I can claim proudly.

What if I died tomorrow
-- would I regret the way that I lived today?

What if I die a hundred years from now
-- will the way I live bring me graciously to that end?

What are my goals?
What do I hope to accomplish today?
Tomorrow? Three months,
or a year, or five years from now?

A target.
Something to shoot for.

A bulls-eye.

If I miss... Well.
So long as I have practiced,
and aimed to my best ability...
So long as I have picked
a goal worth shooting for,
I don't think that's anything to regret.

To love. To care.
To create and to share in beauty.
I cannot and will not regret that.
Even when I miss.

Unsaid

Okay. I'm saying it.

I'm hurting.
And there's not jack to be done about it.
Quite simply cause I'm too proud
to come outright and say it.



But yes, I'm hurting.
And it's the last thing I would tell you.

There is only one way to really get over
someone who you have been in love with,
and that is to become another person.
This is really the only reason
why people fall out of love with each other.
The fights, and tantrums,
the small and big flaws
(he makes that noise when he chews, he has no ambition)
are never enough to really make you fall out of love.
Feel betrayed, or irritated or angry, yes.
But falling out of love requires
shift of perspective, and thus, shift of desire.
Like looking at an old shirt and thinking,
'God, how could I have ever thought that was cool?"
Sometimes we do it together,
each person growing and changing
till you turn around and look at each other
and know that's it, except for nostalgia.
Sometimes it happens while you are still together,
whether you want it to or not,
and it hurts like hell,
wishing you were still capable
of being that person you used to be,
the one who fell in love,
the one your lover fell in love with.
Sometimes it doesn't happen
till a long, long time afterwards,
and there is still the three-in-the-morning ache,
the in-jokes with their pointed poignancy,
the missing.

We are like jigsaw puzzle pieces
made out of modeling clay,
firm and fixed in our outlines
as long as we fit together,
variable lumps otherwise.
You reshape your edges
and become something new,
a tab where there used to be a hole,
straight where you were once curved,
and everything changes.

Higher Ground

I read a familiar story over the weekend – a tale of a jar, filled with golf balls, then pebbles, then sand and finally two cups of coffee. While I think that the audience at which the tale was targeted at might not have gotten the jist of it, it wasn’t a waste of the writer’s time – someone heard what his message was.

It has been a bit of a topsy-turvy time, making me question a lot of my judgment calls and the decisions I have made. Things that I clung on to my dear life, turned out to be nothing but pebbles and sand.

Walk me over this horizon
Let the sun’s light warm my face
Once again the times are changing
Once again I lost my way

What have I learnt in these 25 years of living? A whole lot of lessons, I must say. I have seen and done things that others only read of, or watch on tv. I have always thought that it was these trials that made me the strong person that I am. But in actuality, I did not just land, hitting the ground running ~ I was burying myself deeper into the ground each time, losing a bit of my soul.

While the words of ancient poets
Fall like dust upon my shoes
Greed has robbed me of my vision
Turned my heart from higher truths

They say carpe diem – seize the day. And I realize that I was holding out for one big day to seize, grab and call my own. I forget that each day is THE day, and there is something in it for me, to call my own. A laugh, a smile, a thought, an idea, a memory recalled, a memory made, a hug, a kiss, a compliment, a pat on the back – it is what makes each day.

I have walked too long in darkness
I have walked too long alone
Blindly clutching fists of diamonds
That I found were merely stone

Each year since the day I was born, has been filled with nothing but it. Yet I have failed to see, to appreciate, to cherish each and every one of them. As I spend the next 24 hours, I would like to count all my blessings for once ~ to really sit and take stock of all my achievements and gifts.

I would trade the world of ages
For a warmer hand to hold
The path of light is narrow
But it leads to streets of gold

I used to think I know it all, having been there and done that. But I do not. So many of life’s lessons I wrote off as inappropriate or old school traditionalist way of living. And the words of Michelle Obama’s speech about her husband, comes to mind – "there is a way that the world is, and a way that the world should be. And that if we work as one, together, the way the world should be, would become a reality".

I think almost everyone who reads this, has at some point or other, spoken till they were blue in the face, trying to thread me back into the way my world should be. I have been walking against the tide, driving myself nowhere, trying to prove a point to everyone when I had no need to. I am my greatest enemy, undermining my own self without reason but with the false logic and rationale that that is the way my world is.

It’s not to say that my demons hiding in the closet have been absolutely cast out – that would be an exaggeration of the truth, for they still lurk in the dark recess of my mind. But the dust bunnies are no longer accumulating, and those that remain – they are progressively getting bored idling around.

In this world we move through shadows
Never sure of what we see
While the truth that lies between us
Come and share the truth with me

We only have once chance at this thing we call LIFE. And it is pointless to become a year older, and a year wiser, if all that we do is lose sight of what is real and now. For that would not be being wiser at all. And so, what then do I hope to achieve in the year to come?

I haven’t quite figured it out yet. There seems to be so many things that I feel I should do. But for starters, I’d go with a stab at being ME, and being alright if the real ME was less than. I think I’ll even try my hand at being honest at admitting that I am fallible and being alright with not being infallible. And last but not least, I would definitely go after what I want.

So take my hand and lift me higher
Be my love and my desire
Hold me safe and honour bound
Take my heart to higher ground

I feel free and light ~ as if I have the world at my feet and seeing the skies, the clouds, and the stars for the first time. And so as the calendar turns to a new page and the computer printout changes my age, I am looking into the mirror and alright with what I see. I may not be all that I am, but I’m alright being me.

Happy Birthday Me! Welcome to the rest of MY life!

Higher Ground
Barbra Streisand

Gotta Love Working The Night Audit

So, what an interesting night I had. Let's detail:

So, at about 11:10 I get a call from the third floor, telling me there is a guy passed out in the floor. As luck would have it, "P" is standing at the desk talking with me about my birthday plans. So, he heads up there to check it out.

About five minutes later, "P" calls me down at the desk and says "Hey, do we have a Generic Name staying here tonight?"

"We sure do. He's in 319."

"Great. He passed out right outside his door. I can't get this guy to wake up."

So, I ask if I need to come up there to assist, "P" says why not, so I throw up my "Be Back Shortly" sign, and run upstairs.

Sure enough, this guy is sprawled out on the floor outside his room. "P "gives him a hearty series of shakes, rolls him around, nothing. This guy is passed smooth the fuck out, to coin a phrase.

So, we discuss what to do, and decide that we can't just drag him in his room on the off chance that he aspirates, so I grab his phone off his belt to see if we can't find someone to call to come get him, or to take care of him. Of course his phone is dead. Great. So, I use the cordless phone and give the PD a call. I call the non-emergency line, and the Desk Sgt. has a good laugh because I described the guy as 'passed the fuck out'. She says she'll send out an officer right away.

I run back downstairs to the front desk, to get the phone number off his reservation, and about that time the Officer walks in. We ride the elevator back to the third floor and he asks a few questions. "Is he a guest? Do you know how much he has had to drink? When did you find him? What did you find with him? Is this his room?" etc. So, the officer gives the guy a good sternum rub (for the uneducated, you basically rub someone over the sternum with your knuckle. It hurts pretty bad, and will generally wake someone up from a drunken state) and the guy doesn't really stir much. He sort of flops his arms around. So, the officer grabs his phone and tries to turn it on. Nope, it's still dead. So, we head into his room to look for a phone charger. The officer checks in the guy's one bag while Pete and I look around the room for one. No luck. Just as we give up, a second officer pokes his head into the room. He points at the guy, the other officer shrugs. They grab his wallet (which he has been laying on) and right behind his driver's license is his work ID. He's a Firefighter. Fantastic!

So, first cop holds down the guy's arms, so he doesn't flop, and the second one gives him a sternum rub while going 'Hey, firefighter! Wake up! You gotta wake up, buddy!' After about two minutes of this, the guy sits up and his eyes pop open. Super. We're in the clear. Or...not so much. He looks up at the officer and goes "Oh. It's you." The cop tells him that he needs to get up and get into his room. The guy goes 'So you want to play this game?' and the second officer says, 'I don't think you know who you're playing with.'

At this time, drunk guy smiles and kicks the second cop in the groin. Out comes the pepper spray, and drunk guy gets it right in the face. All four of us ("P", Me, Officers One and Two) get a nice blast of it too. So, they grab him and drag him down the hall away from where they just sprayed him, so they can cuff him, me and "P" step back so we can do our coughing. "P" suggested that I might want to go get a fan.

Basically, the story pretty much ends there. I get a fan, we get a luggage cart and haul the (probably soon to be fired) Firefighter out to one of the police cars, and I get to fill out a great big incident report. Super!

Hope you guys have a Happy Easter!

Dear Room 415

Why would I lie to you?

Don't you realize that the best way to start any interaction is with the truth (no matter how painful)?

Don't you realize that I WANT you to have an awesomely pleasant experience here at my hotel?

Don't you see?

So, when you call down at 7:05am, as I'm waiting for my replacement to come in so I can go home, and demand that a shampoo and a conditioner be brought to your room, and I politely inform you that we do not have conditioner at our property (I know, cheap bastards), there's no reason to interrogate me!

ABL: Annoying Bitchy Lady
Me: Night Auditor from Hell

Me: I'm sorry ma'am, we do not have conditioner at this time.
ABL:How is that possible?
Me: ..... excuse me?
ABL: I said how is that possible? I just saw a box of them on a cart yesterday.
Me: Well... you must have seen our lotions, as all we have is lotion and shampoo.
ABL: Whatever, well is there any way to get a shampoo in my room?
Me: Of course! You can come down to the desk, and I can give you a shampoo.
ABL: UGH.... *click*

Seriously, these people expect me to come running for them after being hostile and rude?

Yea right, they got me confused.

April Fools Day Post

I'm so April Foolish, I posted a week late. That's just how I roll, you know? I'm slick. I'm clever. I'm like the Michael Jackson of wit, and you are all children visiting me at Cleverland Ranch (yepp). You know, riding the rides and such. As it were. Things of that nature. Do I still have you? Good.
Did you know that some people prefer their cucumbers pickled? So I've heard anyway... I think from a television show. Who can say, these days. The economy makes it harder for everyone. You know, I just used the words "harder" and "cucumbers" and was not being filthy or perverted in any way. But *you* were. I know it.
Did I ever tell you about that time I... wait, of course I told you about that. It's like my best story.
Well, I'll wrap this up. It's almost time for me to get off work. I'm ready to go home.

Dear Dad,

I find this page magnetic at seemingly random intervals. I nearly forget it exists, then, usually in the dead of night, I recall opening the mental floodgates on a glorified web-based Notepad.

So here I am. Once more, I have an Entry open with absolutely nothing specific to say, yet the fingers type. Words never seem to really mean what I need them to mean when I find myself here, but all anyone can do is try.

I don't really know why these things happen. I can't go about specifically mentioning what 'these things' may or may not be, but it's safe to say that it's a topic we've all dealt with or will have to deal with.

It's like a lightswitch. I know it's me, but is it my fault? Just one day it is as if I wake up, and I realize my jigsaw puzzle is together, just not what I expected.

Maybe the problem is that either my expectations of things are wrong. Maybe I don't really know what it is I want. Would it be considered "shallow" of me to want some things in my life to be "shallower"? Some times life is too serious, I realized that I don't want things to be that way, and I naturally try to take a step or two backwards.

The problem is that life doesn't care much for attempted rewinding.

It's just that... life is a series of jobs with all-too-many work-related injuries. Don't get me wrong, I love my line of work... but some things shouldn't be a job. Some things, like eating ice cream, playing a video game, being with friends, etc, shouldn't require me to... feel leashed.

It's cliched, I realize that, but possibly for good reason.

It's really not that those things aren't everything that I'd want in that area. Honestly. It's just... you know, I really like hiking, but despite my love for it, sometimes you need to stop and take a break along the trail, or just not start a trail at all. And it's not that you don't want to hike anymore, it's just that you get tired. You're tired of having to exert yourself physically to enjoy the experience. You just want to do something simpler for a while, to perhaps recuperate. Or just do something new, to keep things fresh.

I can't be the only one who feels this way. And it's difficult when more than one person is involved in things, but it's not always a matter of choice.

I would love to have a quality medium steak daily. But sometimes... just sometimes... I'd want a hot pocket, or french fries. I know what's good, what's more refined and worthy, and maybe some people could live exclusively with that... but at this point in my life... I'd feel like my dining options were too narrow, even if they were great.

Maybe that's not the best analogy.

...Maybe I'm just being selfish.

The Ties That Bind

I was going through my list of contacts, and I started to fall into just one more spiral of existentialism.

I have some form of relationship with each person on that list, some considerably more or less than others. Some more caring, some more spiteful. Some more apathetic, some more passionate.

It's as if a line is drawn between me and each one of these people (just as there is between me and anyone else within my life). Each line is drawn just a little bit differently.

I wonder about some of them. I don't talk to a lot of them anymore, but I keep them there.

Nostalgia? Maybe some sort of love for these people I don't yet have the age and wisdom to understand? Some of these people I've grown up with. I've felt close with at one time or another. Maybe it's a futile attempt at holding onto Yesterday whilst reaching for Tomorrow, all the while balancing on the stepping stone that is Today.

What strikes me, each and every time I see a few of these contacts, is how different things could be.

What if I had said those things to one, instead of the other person? What if I had done things just a little different, took you up, turned you down, showed interest or a lack thereof...

What if you picked up each of those individual, slightly-different lines and swapped them all.

Where would I be? Would I still be where I am now? Would I still be sitting alone in my bedroom on my computer, with music screaming in my ears and Comedy Central on in the background?

...or would I be anywhere else in the world? Listening to something different, watching something else, and being somebody other than me.

I feel as if it's almost unfair that I'll never know.

Fate is our dispositional choices.

Position Avaliable

Job Title:
Life Manager

Hours:
Full-time, on call 24-7

Job Description:
You will be responsible
for the management of
client’s wayward life.
You will be dictating his choices
and ensuring that he avoids
all obviously stupid mistakes.
You will need to explain
basic concepts very specifically,
with the objective of leading him
into a happy and fulfilled life.

Qualifications / Must-haves:
- excellent code of ethics

- intelligence in life and art

- experience with all issues
facing someone who is peculiar, and neurotic
and a proven ability
to simplify and distill these issues

- dedication and commitment to your job
[preferably already know and love client
as this will minimize on-the-job-training]

- discretion and ability to sense
when client just wants you to leave him alone

- attitude that life must be lived to the fullest

- ability to assert authority as client
can be somewhat argumentative/rebellious/

- able to develop and present innovative life plans

Salary:
Client is, at present, poor.
Pay will come in the form of smiles,
and knowing you did something
good for someone else

Apply by emailing me, or leaving a comment

Soulmate by Natasha Bedingfield

Heard this song today and loved it,
thought i'd share it with you all.

Click here to watch video

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cause someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible, Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

You're Dead To Me

Can you remember
How you use to jab your fingers into my chest
And tell me how stupid you thought I was
And how I'd grow up to be worthless-
I was only 9 and I can recall every single time-
You raised your hand to me
No matter how hard I try to forget
I can't erase it from my memory
To this day you seem to think that
You never did anything wrong
And even though I've tried
to look past your ignorance
The hate was too strong
And you were to blind to see
how much anger was growing inside of me
And everything revolved around you
Do what you say
Do what you want
Do as you do
As the years passed
I never knew what was to come
Cause you were never there
But the day will come
When we'll cross paths again
This time I'll be sure to let you know that
All I ever wanted was was for you to believe in me
And everyday I prayed for, lived the day for
Was a chance to throw it back in your face-
And before you die, open your eyes
And see, all the different ways that you neglected me
You may have gave me life but you never gave me hope
I don't ever want to take after my own Father
God help me raise up outta this mess
Stress and grey days and a gang full of tests
God help me, god help me
You put the fear in me and said
if I wasn't to be everything you expected
then a son I'm not in your eye's
and would be instantly rejected-
Your gifts of love were just fifths of pain
While I tried to maintain and refrain
You just laughed at me,
you looked down on me,
you threw down on me,
You made me feel worthless
now you're dead to me,
how does it feel to be,
What runs through you created me,
one day I'll break free-
All I ever wanted was for you to believe in me
And everyday I prayed for, lived the day for
Was a chance to throw it back in your face
Why do I have to feel like I'm constantly worthless
Every day I'm reminded of you, Father

Wonderful

I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them

I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world's so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now

I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it's all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends won't know
When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don't believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world is so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now

No
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

I don't wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna meet your friends
And I don't wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything

Masquerade

I wear my own masks.
I didn't cry until
you were out of the room.
It hurt enough without
having you see my tears.

Fuck you very much.

Addendum:
If I didn't love you so much,
it wouldn't get to me the way it does.

Losing My Voice

Just the words,
being thrown at me out of left field,
conjured up thoughts
trying to scream,
trying to say anything,
and failing.

You’re losing your voice.
she said to me,
and as I heard the words,
I could feel my face turning bright red.
I could feel the world narrowing around me,
and the tears building behind my eyes.

I’ve never claimed to be the best writer,
I’ve never even thought I’m all that good.
I just write what I can, when I feel it.

I’ve been going through alot lately, I know.
I’m doing everything I can just to stay above water,
and I know that my writing has suffered for it.
Life has been frustrating lately.
Life has been hard,
and what I can say on here
usually is the leftovers of all the stuff
that I can actually process,
after its been muddled
and stomped on
and left for waste.

And it’s really hard to write about that kind of stuff.
It’s really hard to write at all,
even though I’d scarcely call what I do writing.
More like …slamming your head on a keyboard and calling it ‘art’.
And I don’t even like that kind of art.
I can barely even write the date down right half of the time,
much less create a meaningful, “heart-wrenching” post.

This is going to be blunt…
Anytime anyone says that to me,
I know that I should just hold on tight until it’s all over.
I don’t do blunt. Because I’m so sensitive.
My dad used to tell me about when I was little,
I couldn’t have been older than a year and a half.
I was in the kitchen messing with pots and pans,
like I shouldn’t have been.
He yelled my name,
and not only did I put everything down immediately,
I started crying as if I’d actually been punished.
That’s just how I am.

I don’t even disagree with her, that much.
I guess I am just shocked.
I’m not angry, because she is right.
So this is not about her,
this isn’t about how her words
may or may not have hurt.
This is about me. She is right.

I am losing my voice. It’s hard not to.
Sometimes life tousles you around a little too much,
and we all reach our breaking point eventually.
Little sleep, bad days, frustrating life.
Would anybody else fare as well
against those adversaries?
Would their writing?

So, Yes. I’ve noticed.
Yes, I am aware.
But Yes, I am trying.
Though I might be nearing my breaking point,
though I might seem like I’m down for the count.
I am not. I have the spirit and heart of a runner,
I never give up.

Though my voice might be exhausted,
and diminished; It is not lost.
Not permanently, at least.
Just temporarily.

Cycles…like the Phoenix.
Your wings are spent now…
but your heart never changes.
From the ashes… you will rise…
Even bigger and better…

I always do, so don’t give up on me.

R.I.P.

"... and the punishment for murder is...
well, it varies from state to state and by race..."
- Homer Simpson

Don't worry, there has been no death of which I shall speak. Excepting, of course, the death of the joy of smoking a quality cigarette for smokers in most of the country. This map shows the states where R.I.P. (Reduced Ignition Propensity) cigarettes are currently required by state legislation, what states have passed such legislation, states where such legislation has been filed (and will most likely be passed), and states that have not filed for legislation. I know that was a long sentence, but bear with me.

Only two states have not yet filed for the legislation, but they will. Anyway, the deal with these cigarettes is that they are less-likely to remain lighted (yes, lighted, not lit) if left unattended, or say, if you fall asleep. They have two or three (depending on manufacturer) extra bands of less-porous paper to extinguish the flame, making them a bit safer, hopefully reducing the risk of home fires and whatnot. They've been dubbed "fire-safe cigarettes" by many, but the term is misleading. Don't go falling asleep with a lighted (er, lit... no yeah, lighted) R.I.P. cigarette with a clear conscience. Try to avoid that.

They've also been dubbed "shitty cigarettes" by even more. See, they suck. They burn differently- you get more runs in the paper, they often go out while you are actively smoking, and many can clearly distinguish the taste between an R.I.P. (or shitty) cigarette and a regular cigarette. Experts say their is no change in taste or performance, but experts are wrong. I've seen people identify R.I.P. cigarettes from regular cigarettes with 100% accuracy, within two or three puffs.

Here's my point. These cigarettes suck dick, and not in the good way. However, they kinda do suck in a good way, in that they may discourage people from smoking! How great would that be? How great would it be if these R.I.P. cigarettes, that burn shittier, don't stay lit (shit, lighted), and taste worse, started making people not want to smoke? How great would it be if when people heard the terms "RIP" and "cigarettes," they thought of how cigarettes suck, instead of how many people die because of them?

What's next? Are they going to add a sobering agent to the alcohol I drink so that by the time the party's over, I'm able to drive home. They are also raising the tax on cigarettes, maybe that's where they are getting the money for our stimulus package.

to the ends of the earth i'd follow, i'd cross every sea for you

I don't like to look at life beyond my hands
but it's often necessary to remain in check.
I think about what it might feel like to lose you.
Who would I spill my cares to?
Who would light me up after a bad day I've had?
The more I think, the harder it becomes to breathe.
And then I can't see clearly through mist soaked eyes.
I've learned that life can be beautiful in every moment,
regardless of circumstance, if you just look past emotion
and appreciate what it took to get there.
But I never want to know the feeling
of not having you to end my day.
The fear of facing it drives me to be
more present in the moments here with you now.

dear god....

make me a bird so I can fly far, far away

if all you told was turned to gold, if all you dreamed was new...

You didn't ask but here is what I see. I think life gets rough because it knows we aren't yet tough enough, so we have to work harder for what we want. We need patience, so it throws us into chaotic situations we can't wait to escape because sometimes we just have to learn to live with what we aren't comfortable with. Times can't always be good because then we'll lose our appreciation and gratitude for them. Trials happen to teach us that we can't control the outcome, but we are in control of how we prepare for it. We can't grow to be strong without first becoming weak. It's not always sunshine and dandelions but just the same, the storms won't last forever.

almost lover

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

re-luc-tant

1.Unwilling; disinclined
2.Exhibiting or marked by unwillingness
3.Offering resistance; opposing.

I have a long list of things
that I need to either
1) complete or
2) implement.
The list started out small
but it is growing as we speak.
And it's not to say
that I do not know
how to do them.
I'm just putting them down on paper,
then folding them in half,
and again in half,
until it can fit snugly
in a corner of my desk.

"I don't understand why you're so reluctant.
You're like a fighter-pilot
who has got the target locked in.
Push the red button!"

It can be exasperating I know.
Even I get exasperated with myself
just thinking about it.
And subconsciously,
it is giving me a lot of grief
(translate to read: STRESS).
My sleeping pattern is again all out of whack,
migrains are flaring up,
and half the time I am walking around
with my head / mind / consciousness
being somewhere else.

It's really not a lot of things to complete
- half of them fall under category (2).
But this firecracker just doesn't seem
to wanna be lit for some strange reason.
And that is what I need to determine,
in order to be like a cow and moo-on.

"If I were the guy in Mission Control
- I would be yelling my head off at you
to fucking push the red button ALREADY.
But I'm not, so I am just going sit here
and wait for you to come
to your senses on your own.
But please - you're already locked on.
Just press it?"

I'll think about it
- that much I can promise you.

The BS of life

The best moment to fool yourself
is the moment you think
you’ve got your life all figured out.

It’s the moment you look back
and reflect at what you’ve got
going on for you at the moment
and relish in every one
of your good fortunes

You might think,
hey, I am what I am;
nobody can tell me
what to do with my life,
nobody can tell me
how to think or feel.

I know myself.

Or so you believe.

Until experience shoves
an elephant up your ass.
It doesn’t hit you that all
the bullshit you have been
feeding yourself about what
you personally think you believe
about your life and everything else in general,
is also being sucked and chewed
and digested by this strange,
new monstrosity you think you reign.
All you care about is that
you’re giving all that shit away.
The shit you believe
you earned the rights to give,
because it is your shit.

Just because you think the elephant
is sitting beneath your ass,
with you on the head,
as if you’re king. Or queen.

And when you see how the elephant
stops swallowing your BS
and chews and spits it out in return,
you feel the splatter in your face.

You then start blaming the elephant
for not knowing what is good for itself.
Just because it doesn’t
want to buy your shit, anymore.
It doesn’t seem to matter to you
how the elephant is still there,
right beneath your ass.
The elephant stays,
but all you care about
is how it wouldn’t eat your shit anymore.

Perhaps, the only time you realize
how your shit is not even that good to swallow,
that it took years and years
of shoving down the elephant’s throat
for it to get used to eating your shit,
that now it gobbles up your shit voluntarily,
is when you feel the elephant’s head moving, for once.

It finally decides to move on.
It is ready to let you take your fall,
so that you will learn how to get up; on your own.

You and the pile of shit you made.

This may be the only time you realize
how after years of churning out this BS,
you’ve never actually tasted
and chewed and swallowed it for yourself before.

And when you finally do try
to bite your own bullet,
you will be amazed with the amount
of BS the elephant tolerated
from you all this while.

I <3 U

Love.

It's not all rainbows and fairy tales.

Sometimes... It hurts.
And it's scary. And it's tough.

It's one of the toughest things around.

Love...

Love is feeling someone bristle at your concern.

Love
is holding someone while they fight you,
because they need to
be held even if they don't want it.
And you just need to hold
them.

It's spilling your guts,
knowing without question
that what you're saying will hurt.

It's knowing that,
though there is pain,
no one is leaving.

It's staying, even while you cry.

Sometimes
love means you fight.
Not because you hate each other,

or want to do harm,
but because you are open to
every part of each other.

Even the parts that fit like two left shoes.

Or maybe you're just madat the world that day.

Sometimes
you go to bed angry.
Sometimes you stay up all
night,
because as soon as you manage to
make up, and
make amends,
something else goes wrong.

Just remember that it's love
.Remember that it hurts,
and it's worth every second.

Remember that happiness
isn't smiling all the time.

Love is...
Taking care of yourself. First.

Because if you expect someone else
to do it for you, you're not going to get it.

Because its fun to be suprised
when you don't have to do it.

Because you aren't much good to anyone
when you're falling apart at the seams.

Because
you want to be the best,
brightest star shining in their eye.

(Or at least one of the few brightest.)

Trusting
each other. Reaching out first.
Taking that agonizing step
out of
the safety of your own mind,
and into a
world of together.

Learning to speak each other's language,
instead of expressing your heart your own way.

Understanding when they are expressing their heart,
even when it's not the way you want to hear it.

I wish I could better explain
what it is that I'm feeling at this moment.

I've Fallen

" Like the autumn leaves of November, I've fallen.
Biting winds sweep away all that makes me,
leaving behind an empty skeletal frame of what was once mighty.
Now just a bare tree with all that made it beautiful gone.
I watch the leaves blow away the pieces of me.

I'm lost,
Like a child who's lost his mother.
Scared, confused, upset and nervous.
Seeking the warm hand of the familiar
reaching though It cannot be grasped.
wanting nothing more than to be in a loving embrace again.

I'm broken,
Like a scratched record.
My mind repeats only what is damaged.
Playing over and over again its flaws.
The once breathtaking music to be replaced by a new record.
No hope of repair, the damage has been done, tossed in the trash.

I'm alone,
Like the last remaining person on earth.
All that he loved gone.
Wandering aimlessly in search of something that doesn't exist.
Only his will keeps him going.
Solitude leads to his madness.
No matter how hard he searches, he will never find what he's looking for.

I'm empty,
Like a man who has sold his soul.
Buying into what he feels is important
Losing what made him a man in the first place.
In doing so paying the ultimate price.
A hollow shell that can be crushed with ease.

I'm worthless. I'm hopeless, I'm thoughtless, I'm heartless
I'm mindless, I'm brainless, I'm heinous,
I'm hurt, I'm afraid, I'm sad, I'm maimed
I'm tired, I'm pained, I'm embarrassed, I'm ashamed.
And through all of this, one thing remains the same.
I will always love you.. for the rest of my days."

I miss you

"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul.
And sings the tune
Without the words,
and never stops at all."
- Emily Dickinson

Sometimes these moments pass by quietly,
with little fanfare or production.
I'll tap my lip or stroke my beard absently,
not sure what thought sparingly eludes my grasp;
a small mark on my retina,
evading my direct gaze,
or a twenty dollar bill
along the breeze
of an urban boulevard.
Almost as if my thought
was interrupted by an unexpected occurrence,
I search for what, exactly,
I could be thinking about... no luck.
I am in a dark room, and I cannot find the switch.

Sometimes, though...
sometimes the moments
refuse any but the most
concentrated introspection.
Each moment is dragged by,
kicking and screaming,
demanding it be heard.
My heart travels throughout my body,
visiting each part with
the specific goal of discomfort.
Even my fingers twitch with restlessness,
and there is no relief.
No recourse available,
the moments refuse to advance.
There is no negotiation.
No way to procrastinate;
no way to bargain away what I will feel.
I will feel it now,
and I will feel it for as long as it takes.

I miss you.

~ I think of each adventure we'd embark upon.
How every time we would hit the town,
a new story would be born,
keeping friends and acquaintances spellbound
for as long as we chose to recount.
Though I'm sure our spectacular run of safety
in these outlandish experiences was due to end
- and believe me, there could have been some disaster
- it seemed that it never would.
Our young friendship endured an epic struggle
(I considered punching you in the face that night,
but when you asked if I would use
an open hand so as not to break your jaw or kill you,
my resolve withered)
and we became even closer.
Then you just up and went away...
you disappeared without a trace,
though I thought I'd hear from you again.
I'm still surprised that I haven't, almost three years later.
In these silent moments,
surrounded by absence,
I miss you, buddy. Yuppers.

~ I have made peace with the fact
that I will never make peace with this, or you.
Though I've not quite convinced myself
that I am completely faultless,
I know that we are where we are
because of your actions, not mine.
I loved you. I hated you.
I, along with everyone else,
was scared to death of you.
Not in a good way.
Not in an endearing or positive way,
or in a way that commands respect,
but in a way that makes people
able to walk away from you... forever.
Looking back only to wonder
just how this is possible,
or how that was possible.
There are moments that pass
like teeth grinding,
where each of my decisions
are justified and second-guessed
as one becomes another.
I miss you, Dad,
and it's not even my fault.

~ I'm not sure how this can be so,
but I am simply captivated
by everything I don't know about you.
Would we have fun in a department store,
or a library, or a gallery?
How would your body fit to mine,
in the early hours of the morning,
before sunlight beckons?
Without ever having woken beside you,
I can look beside me even now
and picture your face, either smiling or preparing to.
I think about how difficult it would be
to leave you for the day, each of us with
our own careers and obligations,
and then I think about how
I'll never know that longing.
I miss you, and I'll never even know how much.

But I do miss you.

Words of the day

Limbo

Not hanging to the left, nor to the right.
Suspended in some kind of time and space warp.
Not sure what to do.
Not sure if to do anything at all.
Comes from assuming too many things,
and clarifying nothing at all.

Inadequate

Unqualified, ill-equipped to be able to accomplish
certain tasks, goals, objectives.
Unfamiliar territory, unmarked grounds.
Wanting to give up, yet not willing to admit defeat.
Challenged and trying to figure out how to get past it.

Frustration

Coming up to a brick wall
that seem to run for miles,
with no end in sight.
Wanting, needing,
craving to move forward,
yet stuck not by owner's choice.

Maybe it's cos I'm feeling
under the weather
and fighting really hard
to stay on top of things,
on top of life.
Trying very hard not to say out loud
"I'm tired of all this."
Trying very hard not to allow
one stupid mistake to follow another.

Anyhow, these are my words for today...
What are your words for today?

Dear Loyal Readers... If I still have any.

I know. I know! I had just come back from yet another impromptu and unexplained absence, only to once again post secrets, from post secret and retreat once again into my self-induced seclusion and creative void. I have not created. I have not explored. I have done little else but live the life I have while constantly yearning for a better one.

I'll post more soon I promise.

More Secrets

Secrets From Post Secret

"I need you to need me"

I love you, and you know that.
I sacrifice for you,
and I am appreciated for it.
You make sacrifices,
and it makes me love you that much more.
You’re just so amazing, in so many ways.

But the truth is,
the stuff I won’t tell you,
is that I need you.
Desperately.

I’m sure you can see it
written all over my face,
or can tell from how I act.
I need you as deeply and completely
as I need oxygen.
I miss you when we’re not together,
hunger for your presence.

And I hate it that you don’t need me in the same way.
I hate being in this position.
I hate not being the one in control,
of my heart, my head, my feelings.
I hate not being the one with all of the cards.
I hate that you hold those cards
that I’m so accustomed to keeping in my possession.
I hate that I’m the one out on the limb,
and you’re sitting comfy, with nothing on the line.
And I hate that you’ve opened me up so much,
to get me to this point,
and haven’t opened yourself up enough
to be there with me.

And I’m scared. I
think that’s why I’m so paranoid,
all the time.
Every time I think of how much I’ve given you,
because I trust you with my heart,
with my whole self,
and I’m not comfortable being that vulnerable,
and I get really scared.
I’m absolutely terrified at letting you know
just how vulnerable I am.
How scared I am.
How badly I need you.

Part of me,
the part that’s been hurt
by "best friends"
one too many times before,
is telling me, screaming at me,
to run away as fast as I can.
To run, and not think about looking back.
Go! Go. To where it’s safe.
Where there’s no risk.
Just GO.

And, to be completely honest,
I want to listen to that part.
That voice has grown quieter,
but it’s still not completely silent.
I’m still scared.
My survival instinct
is still telling me to
run for the fucking hills
as fast as fucking possible.

And I know that you don’t need me
the way that I need you?

I am strong, I am head-strong,
and very independent.
I don’t need a best friend,
no more than I need
anything else that’s superfluous.
Sure, I want another car,
more clothes, a best friend
but I don’t need one.

Or at least that’s the way I was.
After my last friendship disaster....
And then you came along...

And now I’m left wondering
who the hell I am now.
Am I still a strong, independent person?
Or have I become what I’ve always despised?
Have I become one of those people
who rely on someone else to be happy?

I want you to need me, too.
I need you to need me,
the way that I need you.

I don’t know why I wrote about this,
or where I was going with this,
or what I even hoped
to accomplish in writing this.
I guess I just needed to get it off my chest…