R.I.P.

"... and the punishment for murder is...
well, it varies from state to state and by race..."
- Homer Simpson

Don't worry, there has been no death of which I shall speak. Excepting, of course, the death of the joy of smoking a quality cigarette for smokers in most of the country. This map shows the states where R.I.P. (Reduced Ignition Propensity) cigarettes are currently required by state legislation, what states have passed such legislation, states where such legislation has been filed (and will most likely be passed), and states that have not filed for legislation. I know that was a long sentence, but bear with me.

Only two states have not yet filed for the legislation, but they will. Anyway, the deal with these cigarettes is that they are less-likely to remain lighted (yes, lighted, not lit) if left unattended, or say, if you fall asleep. They have two or three (depending on manufacturer) extra bands of less-porous paper to extinguish the flame, making them a bit safer, hopefully reducing the risk of home fires and whatnot. They've been dubbed "fire-safe cigarettes" by many, but the term is misleading. Don't go falling asleep with a lighted (er, lit... no yeah, lighted) R.I.P. cigarette with a clear conscience. Try to avoid that.

They've also been dubbed "shitty cigarettes" by even more. See, they suck. They burn differently- you get more runs in the paper, they often go out while you are actively smoking, and many can clearly distinguish the taste between an R.I.P. (or shitty) cigarette and a regular cigarette. Experts say their is no change in taste or performance, but experts are wrong. I've seen people identify R.I.P. cigarettes from regular cigarettes with 100% accuracy, within two or three puffs.

Here's my point. These cigarettes suck dick, and not in the good way. However, they kinda do suck in a good way, in that they may discourage people from smoking! How great would that be? How great would it be if these R.I.P. cigarettes, that burn shittier, don't stay lit (shit, lighted), and taste worse, started making people not want to smoke? How great would it be if when people heard the terms "RIP" and "cigarettes," they thought of how cigarettes suck, instead of how many people die because of them?

What's next? Are they going to add a sobering agent to the alcohol I drink so that by the time the party's over, I'm able to drive home. They are also raising the tax on cigarettes, maybe that's where they are getting the money for our stimulus package.