To Her...

So I was going to do something unusual today,
I was going to sit here, and write you a letter
telling you how much I missed you, and how much I love you
telling you how I wish you could be here with me right now
telling you how I can't wait to be with you again

I was also gonna tell you how disheartened I feel
whenever I open my emails/blogs and I don't see
any messages from you, regardless of the fact that
I know we talk whenever we can, and that I know
that you love me, and miss me also, and don't need
an email, or message on my blog to prove to me that you do

However I suddenly don't feel like doing that anymore
I don't feel like putting my petty issues in this letter
hopeing that you will understand, and somehow
do something to make me feel better, cause I know
that in our currant position, you are unable to do so
not because you don't want to, but because things in our lifes
are making it harder and harder for us to be together

I guess i am just another shallow human being
so shallow that sometimes only my joy and happiness
are my priority, I don't seem to care about the bigger
picture in life, but at least I have come to know
that we don't need to be physically together
to love each other unconditionally, because I know
after we go though all these "tests" together
or as it is now, seperated, I am sure, just as I hope you are
that one day we will be together again, forever, never to part

I have come to the conclusion that life is so fragile.
One puff and we can go out like a light.
Sometimes I wish I was not so shallow.
I wish that I can keep this perspective
in mind all the time, to help me be
a better person, and know that
there is a bigger purpose to living
then just to make money, get drunk,
have fun or fight with everyone else
or to stress myself out over little things.

Unfortunately, I know that maybe later or tomorrow,
the usual fog of denial will come over me
and I will once again lose this perspective
for the reason why we live and love.

Maybe the fog is there so that
it will be easier for me to live without guilt.
So that I will actually make an effort
to make the world a better place,
to spread more love,
to tell you, to make you feel
how much I love you
and appreciate you being in my life.

I forget that we are soulmates.
How we met justifies that.
Our first conversation was
a continuation from a previous,
older one, from another lifetime.
We connected immediately,
without the usual doubt
or usual "practical thought"
holding us back.

It is something that will never,
ever happen again. Not in this lifetime.
And I am grateful enough to know that at least,
I, we, realised that. I am grateful for you.
And how hard you try, how much
you keep trying to make me happy.

I love you and in you I have found a reason to live.

Love,
Chris