Everything I Love Is Lost

Last night I watched King Kong, which is a very sad movie.
And it got me thinking once again, and I realized I am just like Kong.
I strive to find the one thing that makes me happy, and when I lose it, I look for it again.
If someone else interferes, I fight for it. I climb the tallest tower just to keep
the things that mean the most to me, only to be shot down by people,
and falling to my death of failure over and over again.
this basically describes my entire life. Eventually, everything I love is lost,
hence the title of this entry. People grow to hate me, old friends never keep in touch,
promises are broken, people die, get sick, get high, get drunk,
all of it is very disappointing, and discouraging.
This feeling is one of those where you just want to throw a stack of papers into the air
and watch them flutter while you say "Fuck it." and run away ...
these are just thoughts running through my head everyday.
I know no one cares to read any of this, about me,
my feelings, my mistakes, my wishes, and that's perfectly fine,
I don't care either. This is me throwing a stack of papers
into the air and watching them flutter around,
a tear runs down my cheek,
"Fuck it all, i'm tired of everything".

On a side note, I have an important decision to make
and I don't know what to do, or who to talk to
I'm sure since it involves me and Helen I should talk to her
but I already know what she is going to say... at least
I think I know, and if she says what I think she'll say
then that is what I want also... but this choice will change
everything.... and i just don't know what to do
I know me and her are meant to be together
then... why am I having so much trouble with this?
I'm sure it is cause I am scared to death of change
and fight to keep things the way they are...
but things have changed already
and this choice is me trying to get back
what we once had... even if it means
giving up everything else

p.s. Helen maybe you know what I am talking about
maybe you don't... think about our last long conversation
and the things we talked about... and if you still don't know
then we'll talk about it soon... but I think you'll be happy
i've been thinking about this alot, but I need your advice
and also need to see where things are going...
and see what is going on... and where our lives our headed
over the next 2-3 years.... and then some :)