He chose to walk alone
Though others wondered why
Refused to look before him,
Kept eyes cast upwards,
Towards the sky.
He didn't have companions
No need for earthly things.
Only wanted freedom,
From what he felt were
Puppet strings.
He longed to be a bird.
That he might fly away.
He pitied every blade of grass
For planted they would stay.
He longed to be a flame,
That brightly danced alone.
Felt jealous of the steam
That made the air its only home.
Some say he wished too hard.
Some say he wished too long.
But we awoke one autumn day
To find that he was gone.
The trees, they say stood witness.
The sky refused to tell.
But someone who had seen it said
The story played out well.
He spread his arms out wide.
Breathed in the break of dawn.
He just let go of all he held...
And then he was gone.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
So I just took a test, and I think it did a pretty good job with the results, the test was "what kind of soul are you" and here are my results
Deep down inside, you know you're passionate.
You're excited about life and in touch with yourself and nature. Tell me, do I have this straight?
Virtues: You appreciate humor like none other. Puns might even spark laughter in you (TEHY R FUNNI). You seek adventure and connection with your surroundings. You seek friends who will not only share laughs with you but actually form a deep bond of trust and empathy beneath the surface. You look for adventure and courage in people, and variation is necessary to keep you under control. You see yourself as multi-faceted, so you need people who can see you in your many lights. You're constantly trying to figure yourself out while analyzing the people around you. Silly, silly people.
Aspirations: You can't decide what you want to be yet, but you know you want it to be adventures and interesting, with constant changes. You don't know what love will do for you yet, but it's competing with adventure for a place in your heart. An internal conflict has begun: can you be a successful worker, lover, and parent all at once?
Quirks: Noise of any sort is irritating when you're in the mood. Smacking gum, loud chewing, humming- it's about as pleasing as bodily noises. You dislike emaciated people because of jealousy and just plain disgust. You're a procrastinator but a hard worker, too.
Factors: You need constant attention and support. You're high-maintnence, but a great, reliable friend. Nature needs you and you need nature; it's helped thus far, so keep in touch with the outside world.
Future: Who knows! You absolutely need constant change, so vacationing is surely in the cards. Will you settle down or not? Love will find you eventually, as it does to everyone. Will you choose the sweet home life or the rewarding busy-bee life?
To Her...
So I was going to do something unusual today,
I was going to sit here, and write you a letter
telling you how much I missed you, and how much I love you
telling you how I wish you could be here with me right now
telling you how I can't wait to be with you again
I was also gonna tell you how disheartened I feel
whenever I open my emails/blogs and I don't see
any messages from you, regardless of the fact that
I know we talk whenever we can, and that I know
that you love me, and miss me also, and don't need
an email, or message on my blog to prove to me that you do
However I suddenly don't feel like doing that anymore
I don't feel like putting my petty issues in this letter
hopeing that you will understand, and somehow
do something to make me feel better, cause I know
that in our currant position, you are unable to do so
not because you don't want to, but because things in our lifes
are making it harder and harder for us to be together
I guess i am just another shallow human being
so shallow that sometimes only my joy and happiness
are my priority, I don't seem to care about the bigger
picture in life, but at least I have come to know
that we don't need to be physically together
to love each other unconditionally, because I know
after we go though all these "tests" together
or as it is now, seperated, I am sure, just as I hope you are
that one day we will be together again, forever, never to part
I have come to the conclusion that life is so fragile.
One puff and we can go out like a light.
Sometimes I wish I was not so shallow.
I wish that I can keep this perspective
in mind all the time, to help me be
a better person, and know that
there is a bigger purpose to living
then just to make money, get drunk,
have fun or fight with everyone else
or to stress myself out over little things.
Unfortunately, I know that maybe later or tomorrow,
the usual fog of denial will come over me
and I will once again lose this perspective
for the reason why we live and love.
Maybe the fog is there so that
it will be easier for me to live without guilt.
So that I will actually make an effort
to make the world a better place,
to spread more love,
to tell you, to make you feel
how much I love you
and appreciate you being in my life.
I forget that we are soulmates.
How we met justifies that.
Our first conversation was
a continuation from a previous,
older one, from another lifetime.
We connected immediately,
without the usual doubt
or usual "practical thought"
holding us back.
It is something that will never,
ever happen again. Not in this lifetime.
And I am grateful enough to know that at least,
I, we, realised that. I am grateful for you.
And how hard you try, how much
you keep trying to make me happy.
I love you and in you I have found a reason to live.
Love,
Chris
So I was going to do something unusual today,
I was going to sit here, and write you a letter
telling you how much I missed you, and how much I love you
telling you how I wish you could be here with me right now
telling you how I can't wait to be with you again
I was also gonna tell you how disheartened I feel
whenever I open my emails/blogs and I don't see
any messages from you, regardless of the fact that
I know we talk whenever we can, and that I know
that you love me, and miss me also, and don't need
an email, or message on my blog to prove to me that you do
However I suddenly don't feel like doing that anymore
I don't feel like putting my petty issues in this letter
hopeing that you will understand, and somehow
do something to make me feel better, cause I know
that in our currant position, you are unable to do so
not because you don't want to, but because things in our lifes
are making it harder and harder for us to be together
I guess i am just another shallow human being
so shallow that sometimes only my joy and happiness
are my priority, I don't seem to care about the bigger
picture in life, but at least I have come to know
that we don't need to be physically together
to love each other unconditionally, because I know
after we go though all these "tests" together
or as it is now, seperated, I am sure, just as I hope you are
that one day we will be together again, forever, never to part
I have come to the conclusion that life is so fragile.
One puff and we can go out like a light.
Sometimes I wish I was not so shallow.
I wish that I can keep this perspective
in mind all the time, to help me be
a better person, and know that
there is a bigger purpose to living
then just to make money, get drunk,
have fun or fight with everyone else
or to stress myself out over little things.
Unfortunately, I know that maybe later or tomorrow,
the usual fog of denial will come over me
and I will once again lose this perspective
for the reason why we live and love.
Maybe the fog is there so that
it will be easier for me to live without guilt.
So that I will actually make an effort
to make the world a better place,
to spread more love,
to tell you, to make you feel
how much I love you
and appreciate you being in my life.
I forget that we are soulmates.
How we met justifies that.
Our first conversation was
a continuation from a previous,
older one, from another lifetime.
We connected immediately,
without the usual doubt
or usual "practical thought"
holding us back.
It is something that will never,
ever happen again. Not in this lifetime.
And I am grateful enough to know that at least,
I, we, realised that. I am grateful for you.
And how hard you try, how much
you keep trying to make me happy.
I love you and in you I have found a reason to live.
Love,
Chris
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
You don't actually have to take the quiz.
Just read the following straight through,
and you'll get the point,
an awesome one, that it is trying to make!
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers.
They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies.
Awards tarnish.
Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.
Easier?
The lesson:
The people who make a difference in your life
are not the ones with the most credentials,
the most money, or the most awards.
They are the ones that care.
Just read the following straight through,
and you'll get the point,
an awesome one, that it is trying to make!
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers.
They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies.
Awards tarnish.
Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.
Easier?
The lesson:
The people who make a difference in your life
are not the ones with the most credentials,
the most money, or the most awards.
They are the ones that care.
Reminding me of you
so, i've been talking to helen since I got up, and listening to the radio, and its not enough for me to miss her, but they have to play these songs, that make me think of her, and miss her even more. They played 3 in a row, and now i am real sad, cause i miss her so much, but we talked, and now we both know that we were both planning on me moving down there, and that makes me happy. Not sure when I will get to move though, cause i have to save some money, so when i get down there, I'll be able to hold my own, since I'll be moving in with her, and justice, and her dad, and Katie, and i don't want to place an extra burden on them. well anyways, here are the lyrics to the 3 songs that I heard just a few mins ago. I'll try to update more later.
And the THREE that I heard that made me miss her most...
Artist: Alison Krauss
Song: When you say nothing at all
Album: Live (Alison Krauss & Union Station) (Disk 2)
[" Live (Alison Krauss & Union Station) (Disk 2) " CD]
It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word, you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing
The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall
You say it best.. When you say nothing at all
All day long I can hear people talking outloud
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd
Old Mr. Webster could never define
What's being said between your heart and mine
The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall
You say it best.. When you say nothing at all
The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall
You say it best.. When you say nothing at all...
The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall
You say it best.. When you say nothing at all...
Artist: Rascal Flatts
Song: Bless the broken road
Album: Feels Like Today
[" Feels Like Today " CD]
I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
That every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan, that is coming true
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Now I'm just rollin' home, into my lovers arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Artist: Celine Dion
Song: My heart will go on
Album: All The Way...A Decade Of Song
[" All The Way...A Decade Of Song " CD]
Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you,
That is how I know you go on
Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we're one
Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
There is some love that will not go away
You're here, there's nothing I fear,
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
Song: Bless the broken road
Album: Feels Like Today
[" Feels Like Today " CD]
I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
That every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan, that is coming true
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Now I'm just rollin' home, into my lovers arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Artist: Celine Dion
Song: My heart will go on
Album: All The Way...A Decade Of Song
[" All The Way...A Decade Of Song " CD]
Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you,
That is how I know you go on
Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we're one
Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
There is some love that will not go away
You're here, there's nothing I fear,
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
Monday, April 24, 2006
I am awfully needy, aren't I? :)
I need to stop feeling bad
if I don't measure up
to other peoples' standards.
I need to stop caring
if I look stupid and just do
whatever it is I want to do.
I need to learn to ask
for what I want, because
nobody can read my mind.
I need to stop dwelling on the past.
It's done and over with
and nobody can change it.
I need to start speaking my mind more,
instead of hinting at things and then
being disappointed when people
don't pick up on it.
I need to stop taking
things so seriously.
I need to stop wanting
the things I know I can't have.
I need to change something.
Hair color, blog layout...
something superficial has to change
for me to feel better.
I am awfully needy, aren't I? :)
We get caught up in life so much.
One minute, we have the world
hanging on our fingertips,
and then the next,
it wraps tightly around us
and pulses through us,
killing us slowly.
We don't stop to think about
our actions until afterwards.
We don't realize that
some of the things we do
could be good for ourselves,
but could ruin others.
Something can start easily,
but ending it is much harder.
How do we forgive and forget
when the problem eats at our insides?
We play on others emotions,
not really caring what happens afterward.
We lie...cheat...steal...
anything to get our way.
Falling under the pressure, we break apart.
We don't know what's synthetic
and what's real anymore.
Losing our way, we turn to other people,
and they only end up pulling us,
tearing us apart. It's almost like
they never loved us, but in reality, they did.
They just hurt us to get what they want.
That's how it works. It travels in a circle.
Everything and everyone is infected
by the never ending circle.
Lost and guilty, we run and run blindly,
only going in circles.
We are supposed to learn
from past mistakes, but
if we don't own up to them,
we'll never get anywhere in life...
stuck in that circle.
There will never be peace for us.
We go to bed lonely,
wake up lonely,
and live our life lonely.
We are never really happy.
We smile and make small talk,
acting as if the world and ourselves
are at peace, but really,
we are facing a battle,
a war, within ourselves.
A never ending battle. Again and again,
we make the same mistakes until finally,
we just give up on ourselves
and let go of our last shred of hope...
"...Lost and broken. Hopeless and lonely.
Smilin' on the outside and hurt beneath my skin.
My eyes are fadin', my soul is bleedin'.
I'll try to make it seem ok, but my faith is wearin' thin..:"
One minute, we have the world
hanging on our fingertips,
and then the next,
it wraps tightly around us
and pulses through us,
killing us slowly.
We don't stop to think about
our actions until afterwards.
We don't realize that
some of the things we do
could be good for ourselves,
but could ruin others.
Something can start easily,
but ending it is much harder.
How do we forgive and forget
when the problem eats at our insides?
We play on others emotions,
not really caring what happens afterward.
We lie...cheat...steal...
anything to get our way.
Falling under the pressure, we break apart.
We don't know what's synthetic
and what's real anymore.
Losing our way, we turn to other people,
and they only end up pulling us,
tearing us apart. It's almost like
they never loved us, but in reality, they did.
They just hurt us to get what they want.
That's how it works. It travels in a circle.
Everything and everyone is infected
by the never ending circle.
Lost and guilty, we run and run blindly,
only going in circles.
We are supposed to learn
from past mistakes, but
if we don't own up to them,
we'll never get anywhere in life...
stuck in that circle.
There will never be peace for us.
We go to bed lonely,
wake up lonely,
and live our life lonely.
We are never really happy.
We smile and make small talk,
acting as if the world and ourselves
are at peace, but really,
we are facing a battle,
a war, within ourselves.
A never ending battle. Again and again,
we make the same mistakes until finally,
we just give up on ourselves
and let go of our last shred of hope...
"...Lost and broken. Hopeless and lonely.
Smilin' on the outside and hurt beneath my skin.
My eyes are fadin', my soul is bleedin'.
I'll try to make it seem ok, but my faith is wearin' thin..:"
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Everything I Love Is Lost
Last night I watched King Kong, which is a very sad movie.
And it got me thinking once again, and I realized I am just like Kong.
I strive to find the one thing that makes me happy, and when I lose it, I look for it again.
If someone else interferes, I fight for it. I climb the tallest tower just to keep
the things that mean the most to me, only to be shot down by people,
and falling to my death of failure over and over again.
this basically describes my entire life. Eventually, everything I love is lost,
hence the title of this entry. People grow to hate me, old friends never keep in touch,
promises are broken, people die, get sick, get high, get drunk,
all of it is very disappointing, and discouraging.
This feeling is one of those where you just want to throw a stack of papers into the air
and watch them flutter while you say "Fuck it." and run away ...
these are just thoughts running through my head everyday.
I know no one cares to read any of this, about me,
my feelings, my mistakes, my wishes, and that's perfectly fine,
I don't care either. This is me throwing a stack of papers
into the air and watching them flutter around,
a tear runs down my cheek,
"Fuck it all, i'm tired of everything".
On a side note, I have an important decision to make
and I don't know what to do, or who to talk to
I'm sure since it involves me and Helen I should talk to her
but I already know what she is going to say... at least
I think I know, and if she says what I think she'll say
then that is what I want also... but this choice will change
everything.... and i just don't know what to do
I know me and her are meant to be together
then... why am I having so much trouble with this?
I'm sure it is cause I am scared to death of change
and fight to keep things the way they are...
but things have changed already
and this choice is me trying to get back
what we once had... even if it means
giving up everything else
p.s. Helen maybe you know what I am talking about
maybe you don't... think about our last long conversation
and the things we talked about... and if you still don't know
then we'll talk about it soon... but I think you'll be happy
i've been thinking about this alot, but I need your advice
and also need to see where things are going...
and see what is going on... and where our lives our headed
over the next 2-3 years.... and then some :)
Last night I watched King Kong, which is a very sad movie.
And it got me thinking once again, and I realized I am just like Kong.
I strive to find the one thing that makes me happy, and when I lose it, I look for it again.
If someone else interferes, I fight for it. I climb the tallest tower just to keep
the things that mean the most to me, only to be shot down by people,
and falling to my death of failure over and over again.
this basically describes my entire life. Eventually, everything I love is lost,
hence the title of this entry. People grow to hate me, old friends never keep in touch,
promises are broken, people die, get sick, get high, get drunk,
all of it is very disappointing, and discouraging.
This feeling is one of those where you just want to throw a stack of papers into the air
and watch them flutter while you say "Fuck it." and run away ...
these are just thoughts running through my head everyday.
I know no one cares to read any of this, about me,
my feelings, my mistakes, my wishes, and that's perfectly fine,
I don't care either. This is me throwing a stack of papers
into the air and watching them flutter around,
a tear runs down my cheek,
"Fuck it all, i'm tired of everything".
On a side note, I have an important decision to make
and I don't know what to do, or who to talk to
I'm sure since it involves me and Helen I should talk to her
but I already know what she is going to say... at least
I think I know, and if she says what I think she'll say
then that is what I want also... but this choice will change
everything.... and i just don't know what to do
I know me and her are meant to be together
then... why am I having so much trouble with this?
I'm sure it is cause I am scared to death of change
and fight to keep things the way they are...
but things have changed already
and this choice is me trying to get back
what we once had... even if it means
giving up everything else
p.s. Helen maybe you know what I am talking about
maybe you don't... think about our last long conversation
and the things we talked about... and if you still don't know
then we'll talk about it soon... but I think you'll be happy
i've been thinking about this alot, but I need your advice
and also need to see where things are going...
and see what is going on... and where our lives our headed
over the next 2-3 years.... and then some :)
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Eyes Open
When I was a child, adults would always
make me go to bed before I was ready to.
I would lie in the dark, trying to keep my eyes closed.
But they would open back up, almost of their own accord.
It occured to me that 'eyes open' was my natural state.
Is it any wonder I call myself an 'Insomniac'?
The brain is an amazing tool.
It can do dozens of things at once
without the brain's owner being aware of it.
It keeps one alive,
it has invented thousands of devices
to help and heal and hurt,
it can weave great works of art
and literature and music and deceit.
People have been known to heal themselves
through the power of the mind.
Some can remember things photographically,
while others can perform
complex equations in their head,
still others write symphonies
without picking up an instrument.
So why are so many people
so very insistant on being blind?
When I was younger,
I was usually off in my own little world.
I could be at school supposedly paying close attention
to the teacher while in my mind I was battling monsters
or discovering new worlds or meeting strange and wonderous creatures.
I would insert myself into every television show I watched
and book I read, and in every show and book
I was a different character. Someone other than myself,
someone living a life more exciting than my own.
Then I grew up. I looked around me,
at the real world before me. I saw the things
I'd tried to avoid in my idealistic youth.
I started to see the truth behind my make-believe.
I began to understand all the lies
and hypocracy I'd been fed since birth.
I realized how wrong this society is,
the way certain people are treated:
Women, different races,
different sexual preferences, just different.
I was intrigued. How dangerous and wonderous
and scary, this brave new world in which I lived!
People could be much more threatening
than the monsters in my many nightmares.
A monster usually just wants food or territory;
easier to fight than a person wanting
money or drugs or sex or power.
A corrupt politician can't be defeated with a sword,
no matter how sharp. Like the heads of the Hydra,
two more will rise to take his or her place.
The more I learned about government-
-especially in recent years-
-the more I realized the American government
must be changed.
In the face of fear, the majority of Americans
were willing to give up their freedoms-
-those liberties that made this country great-
-for 'protection.' But how do we protect ourselves
from the government? More importantly,
how do we protect ourselves from...ourselves?
The danger is not in bombs or guns
or humans wishing to induce terror.
The real danger is the complacency which
has settled over this society like a suffocating fog.
The true deceit lay in the lies we tell ourselves.
The most powerful weapons the current government wields
are the blindfolds we allow them to tie around our eyes.
So many are so wrapped up in living their lives
that they don't have time to pay attention
to what the government is up to-
-or worse yet, they don't want to see it,
out of fear or apathy. At the end of the day,
they're too tired from working their 9-5
or their double or their whatever
to do something about it
When I was a child, adults would always
make me go to bed before I was ready to.
I would lie in the dark, trying to keep my eyes closed.
But they would open back up, almost of their own accord.
It occured to me that 'eyes open' was my natural state.
Is it any wonder I call myself an 'Insomniac'?
The brain is an amazing tool.
It can do dozens of things at once
without the brain's owner being aware of it.
It keeps one alive,
it has invented thousands of devices
to help and heal and hurt,
it can weave great works of art
and literature and music and deceit.
People have been known to heal themselves
through the power of the mind.
Some can remember things photographically,
while others can perform
complex equations in their head,
still others write symphonies
without picking up an instrument.
So why are so many people
so very insistant on being blind?
When I was younger,
I was usually off in my own little world.
I could be at school supposedly paying close attention
to the teacher while in my mind I was battling monsters
or discovering new worlds or meeting strange and wonderous creatures.
I would insert myself into every television show I watched
and book I read, and in every show and book
I was a different character. Someone other than myself,
someone living a life more exciting than my own.
Then I grew up. I looked around me,
at the real world before me. I saw the things
I'd tried to avoid in my idealistic youth.
I started to see the truth behind my make-believe.
I began to understand all the lies
and hypocracy I'd been fed since birth.
I realized how wrong this society is,
the way certain people are treated:
Women, different races,
different sexual preferences, just different.
I was intrigued. How dangerous and wonderous
and scary, this brave new world in which I lived!
People could be much more threatening
than the monsters in my many nightmares.
A monster usually just wants food or territory;
easier to fight than a person wanting
money or drugs or sex or power.
A corrupt politician can't be defeated with a sword,
no matter how sharp. Like the heads of the Hydra,
two more will rise to take his or her place.
The more I learned about government-
-especially in recent years-
-the more I realized the American government
must be changed.
In the face of fear, the majority of Americans
were willing to give up their freedoms-
-those liberties that made this country great-
-for 'protection.' But how do we protect ourselves
from the government? More importantly,
how do we protect ourselves from...ourselves?
The danger is not in bombs or guns
or humans wishing to induce terror.
The real danger is the complacency which
has settled over this society like a suffocating fog.
The true deceit lay in the lies we tell ourselves.
The most powerful weapons the current government wields
are the blindfolds we allow them to tie around our eyes.
So many are so wrapped up in living their lives
that they don't have time to pay attention
to what the government is up to-
-or worse yet, they don't want to see it,
out of fear or apathy. At the end of the day,
they're too tired from working their 9-5
or their double or their whatever
to do something about it
I'm A 90's Kid
: anybody under the age of 14 should not read this,
and if you should, you should not repost this.
Just because you were born in '92
doesn't mean you're a 90's kid.
It's not like you could remember the original Simpsons.
I am sorry but three conscious years of the nineties just wont cut it.
You're a 90's kid if:
You've ever ended a sentence with the word "SIKE!"
You can sing the rap to "The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air"
You remember when Kurt Cobain, Tu Pac, River Phoenix, and Selena died.
You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey from "Blossom" and that "How Rude!" comes from Stephanie from "Full House"
You remember when it was actually worth getting up early
on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
You remember reading "Goosebumps"
You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, wax off"
You have pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.
you danced to "wannabe" by the Spice Girls, Females: had a new motto, Males: got a whole lot gay-er. (so tell me what you want, what you really really want.)
You remember the craze then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books.
You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence...Not...
Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? was both a game and a TV game show.
Captain Planet.
You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the red* Ranger were meant to be together.
To the last sentence you said.....hey...Tommy was the green* ranger!!!!
*later to be white
When playing power rangers with friends you fought over who got to be who............and still all ended up being tommy.
You remember when super nintendo's became popular.
You remember watching home alone 1, 2 , and 3........and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"
"I've fallen and I can't get up"
You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates
Two words... Trapper Keeper.
You ever got injured on a Slip 'n' Slide
You wore socks over leggings scrunched down
"Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, all dressed in black, black, black, with silver buttons, buttons, buttons, all down her back, back, back" SHE ASKED HER MOTHER MOTHER MOTHER FOR FIFTY CENTS CENTS CENTS TO SEE THE ELEPHANTS PHANTS PHANTS JUMP OVER THE FENCE THE FENCE THE FENCE
he jumped so high high high he touched the sky sky sky and he didnt come back back back til the forth of july ly ly he jumped so low ow ow he stubbed his toe toe toe and thats the end end end of the elephants show show show
You remember boom boxes vs. cd players
You remember New Kids on The Block when they were cool
You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell"
You played and or collected "Pogs"
You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhere
You watched the original Care Bears, My Little Pony, and Ninja Turtles
NANCY DREW AND THE HARDY BOYS WERE THE BEST MYSTERY BOOKS
Yikes pencils and erasers were the stuff!
All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.(pencils.notebooks.binders.etc.)
You remember when the new Beanie Babies were always sold out.
You used to wear those stick on earings, not only on your ears, but at the corners of your eyes.
You remember a time before the WB.
You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"
You know the Macarena by heart.
"Talk to the hand" ... enough said
You thought Brain woud finally take over the world
You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"
You remember when everyone went slinky crazy.
You remember when razor scooters were cool.
when we were younger:
Before the MySpace frenzy.
Before the Internet & text messaging.
Before Sidekicks & iPods.
Before MIKE JONES
Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX.
Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.
WHEN LIGHT UP SNEAKERS WERE KOOL
When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.
When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing.
When we recorded stuff on VCRs & paid $3.50 for a movie.
When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans.
When 2Pac and Biggie where alive.
When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever.
Way back.
Tag.
Get Over Here!!!! means something to you.
Hide-n-Go Seek at dusk.
Red Light, Green Light.
Heads Up 7 Up.
Playing Kickball & Dodgeball until your porch light came on.
Hopskotch.
Slip-n-Slides.... now there are just ghetto ones
Tree Houses.
Hula Hoops.
Reading R.L. Stine's Goose Bumps.
HELLO....HOT WHEELS!!!!!
"POWER OF LOVE" BY CELINE DION..ONLY COUPLES COULD SKATE TO THIS.
The annoying Nano Pets & Furbies.
Running through the sprinklers.
That "Little Mermaid"
Crying when Mufasa died in the Lion King.
Happy Meals where you chose a Barbie or a Hot Wheels car.
Getting the privilege to sit in the front seat of the car.
Drinking Sqeeze It "Squeeze The Fun Out Of It"
CAPRI SUN
Watching Saturday Morning Cartoons in your PJ's still wrapped up in your TMNT, Power Rangers, Barbie, Fairy Princess comforter.
Hey Arnold, Doug, Rugrats.
The original Power Rangers
Or what about:
The Secret Life of Alex Mac.
Ren & Stimpy.
Double Dare.
Rocco's Modern Life.
AAAHH!! REAL MONSTERS.
Wild & Crazy Kids.
Clarissa Explains it All.
CAMP NOWHERE
salute your shorts(CAMP ANAWANA)
Are You Afraid of the Dark?
The original cast members of all that.
Kenan & Kel.
"CITY GUYS"...ROLL W/ THE CITY GUYS
doug.
magic school bus.
Nick Arcade.
flash forward.
pete and pete.
legends of the hidden temple.
hey dude.
dinosaurs.
pinky and the brain.
Sailor Moon.
blossom.
hangin with mr.cooper.
wishbone.
bill-nye the science guy.
MR RODGERS!!!!
Who could forget Snick? & Nick @ Nite with Bewitched, I Dream of Jenie, The Facts of Life & I Love Lucy.
Where everyone wanted to be in love after watching The Wonder Years.
or nick jr. with face
gulah gulah island
little bear
under the unbrella tree
PEE-WEE!!!
The Big Comfy Couch
Kool-Aid was the drink of choice.
Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school.
Eurika's Castle!!!
Class field trips.
POGS
When Christmas was the most exciting time of year.
When $5 seemed like a million, & another dollar a miracle.
When you begged to go to McDonalds for dinner everyday.
When Toys R Us overuled the mall.
Go back to the time when:
Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'.
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming 'do over!'
'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was banker in 'Monopoly'.
act like you didn't watch afro-king BOB ROSS paint trees on T.V.
It wasn't odd to have two or three 'best' friends.
Being old referred to anyone over 20.
A chance to skate as a couple at the local roller rink was like winning the lottery.
Scrapes & bruises were kissed & made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enought to ride the 'big people' rides at the fair.
When playing Nintendo was the hardest thing ever.
When Ninja Turtles ruled the world.
DID I DO THAAAAAAAAAT???
smud and yak back. skip it and pop it.
pop rocks, and coke would kill you.
zots.
eating the most bubble gum you could possibly fit in your mouth.
having more than one girlfriend/boyfriend.
Before we realized all this would eventually disappear
who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!!!!!
Your a 90's kid when you read this and smiled and laughed at least 5 of these.
if you are a 90's kid, repost
and if you should, you should not repost this.
Just because you were born in '92
doesn't mean you're a 90's kid.
It's not like you could remember the original Simpsons.
I am sorry but three conscious years of the nineties just wont cut it.
You're a 90's kid if:
You've ever ended a sentence with the word "SIKE!"
You can sing the rap to "The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air"
You remember when Kurt Cobain, Tu Pac, River Phoenix, and Selena died.
You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey from "Blossom" and that "How Rude!" comes from Stephanie from "Full House"
You remember when it was actually worth getting up early
on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
You remember reading "Goosebumps"
You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, wax off"
You have pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.
you danced to "wannabe" by the Spice Girls, Females: had a new motto, Males: got a whole lot gay-er. (so tell me what you want, what you really really want.)
You remember the craze then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books.
You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence...Not...
Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? was both a game and a TV game show.
Captain Planet.
You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the red* Ranger were meant to be together.
To the last sentence you said.....hey...Tommy was the green* ranger!!!!
*later to be white
When playing power rangers with friends you fought over who got to be who............and still all ended up being tommy.
You remember when super nintendo's became popular.
You remember watching home alone 1, 2 , and 3........and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"
"I've fallen and I can't get up"
You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates
Two words... Trapper Keeper.
You ever got injured on a Slip 'n' Slide
You wore socks over leggings scrunched down
"Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, all dressed in black, black, black, with silver buttons, buttons, buttons, all down her back, back, back" SHE ASKED HER MOTHER MOTHER MOTHER FOR FIFTY CENTS CENTS CENTS TO SEE THE ELEPHANTS PHANTS PHANTS JUMP OVER THE FENCE THE FENCE THE FENCE
he jumped so high high high he touched the sky sky sky and he didnt come back back back til the forth of july ly ly he jumped so low ow ow he stubbed his toe toe toe and thats the end end end of the elephants show show show
You remember boom boxes vs. cd players
You remember New Kids on The Block when they were cool
You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell"
You played and or collected "Pogs"
You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhere
You watched the original Care Bears, My Little Pony, and Ninja Turtles
NANCY DREW AND THE HARDY BOYS WERE THE BEST MYSTERY BOOKS
Yikes pencils and erasers were the stuff!
All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.(pencils.notebooks.binders.etc.)
You remember when the new Beanie Babies were always sold out.
You used to wear those stick on earings, not only on your ears, but at the corners of your eyes.
You remember a time before the WB.
You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"
You know the Macarena by heart.
"Talk to the hand" ... enough said
You thought Brain woud finally take over the world
You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"
You remember when everyone went slinky crazy.
You remember when razor scooters were cool.
when we were younger:
Before the MySpace frenzy.
Before the Internet & text messaging.
Before Sidekicks & iPods.
Before MIKE JONES
Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX.
Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.
WHEN LIGHT UP SNEAKERS WERE KOOL
When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.
When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing.
When we recorded stuff on VCRs & paid $3.50 for a movie.
When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans.
When 2Pac and Biggie where alive.
When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever.
Way back.
Tag.
Get Over Here!!!! means something to you.
Hide-n-Go Seek at dusk.
Red Light, Green Light.
Heads Up 7 Up.
Playing Kickball & Dodgeball until your porch light came on.
Hopskotch.
Slip-n-Slides.... now there are just ghetto ones
Tree Houses.
Hula Hoops.
Reading R.L. Stine's Goose Bumps.
HELLO....HOT WHEELS!!!!!
"POWER OF LOVE" BY CELINE DION..ONLY COUPLES COULD SKATE TO THIS.
The annoying Nano Pets & Furbies.
Running through the sprinklers.
That "Little Mermaid"
Crying when Mufasa died in the Lion King.
Happy Meals where you chose a Barbie or a Hot Wheels car.
Getting the privilege to sit in the front seat of the car.
Drinking Sqeeze It "Squeeze The Fun Out Of It"
CAPRI SUN
Watching Saturday Morning Cartoons in your PJ's still wrapped up in your TMNT, Power Rangers, Barbie, Fairy Princess comforter.
Hey Arnold, Doug, Rugrats.
The original Power Rangers
Or what about:
The Secret Life of Alex Mac.
Ren & Stimpy.
Double Dare.
Rocco's Modern Life.
AAAHH!! REAL MONSTERS.
Wild & Crazy Kids.
Clarissa Explains it All.
CAMP NOWHERE
salute your shorts(CAMP ANAWANA)
Are You Afraid of the Dark?
The original cast members of all that.
Kenan & Kel.
"CITY GUYS"...ROLL W/ THE CITY GUYS
doug.
magic school bus.
Nick Arcade.
flash forward.
pete and pete.
legends of the hidden temple.
hey dude.
dinosaurs.
pinky and the brain.
Sailor Moon.
blossom.
hangin with mr.cooper.
wishbone.
bill-nye the science guy.
MR RODGERS!!!!
Who could forget Snick? & Nick @ Nite with Bewitched, I Dream of Jenie, The Facts of Life & I Love Lucy.
Where everyone wanted to be in love after watching The Wonder Years.
or nick jr. with face
gulah gulah island
little bear
under the unbrella tree
PEE-WEE!!!
The Big Comfy Couch
Kool-Aid was the drink of choice.
Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school.
Eurika's Castle!!!
Class field trips.
POGS
When Christmas was the most exciting time of year.
When $5 seemed like a million, & another dollar a miracle.
When you begged to go to McDonalds for dinner everyday.
When Toys R Us overuled the mall.
Go back to the time when:
Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'.
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming 'do over!'
'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was banker in 'Monopoly'.
act like you didn't watch afro-king BOB ROSS paint trees on T.V.
It wasn't odd to have two or three 'best' friends.
Being old referred to anyone over 20.
A chance to skate as a couple at the local roller rink was like winning the lottery.
Scrapes & bruises were kissed & made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enought to ride the 'big people' rides at the fair.
When playing Nintendo was the hardest thing ever.
When Ninja Turtles ruled the world.
DID I DO THAAAAAAAAAT???
smud and yak back. skip it and pop it.
pop rocks, and coke would kill you.
zots.
eating the most bubble gum you could possibly fit in your mouth.
having more than one girlfriend/boyfriend.
Before we realized all this would eventually disappear
who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!!!!!
Your a 90's kid when you read this and smiled and laughed at least 5 of these.
if you are a 90's kid, repost
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
ROFLMAO
So I am reading alot of quotes, which I plan to put some on here or on my web site later, but I came across this one, and I almost died laughing so I had to share it with you all...
I used to like to play with my Ken and Barbie dolls.
Ken was my favorite. Then one Christmas
I got them a camper and all they wanted to do
was hang out in it by themselves. So I wasn't too upset
when they took that wrong turn and went over the cliff.
from the movie-My Girl.
Ken was my favorite. Then one Christmas
I got them a camper and all they wanted to do
was hang out in it by themselves. So I wasn't too upset
when they took that wrong turn and went over the cliff.
from the movie-My Girl.
A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime
People come into your life
for one of 3 things
A reason, a season,
and some for a lifetime
and some people come
for all three things
I know one that did for certain
We could have been friends for a lifetime,
and it saddens me to know
that we are drifting apart,
more and more each day,
and I am sure, for the rest of this life
I will regret all the things
that caused this fracture in our friendship
and I just want to say...
thanks for the season we shared,
it was by far the best one yet
and thanks for teaching me all you did
about love, life, happiness....
and being true to ones self
You've taught me that love sucks,
that feelings can change, passion will fade,
partners will come and go, but through it all,
one thing remains sacred: friendship
for that you were deffinitaly a reason
So, In short you were there as
a reason for all you taught me
a season for the time we shared
and a lifetime, knowing we could have made it
if things would have been a lil differant
for one of 3 things
A reason, a season,
and some for a lifetime
and some people come
for all three things
I know one that did for certain
We could have been friends for a lifetime,
and it saddens me to know
that we are drifting apart,
more and more each day,
and I am sure, for the rest of this life
I will regret all the things
that caused this fracture in our friendship
and I just want to say...
thanks for the season we shared,
it was by far the best one yet
and thanks for teaching me all you did
about love, life, happiness....
and being true to ones self
You've taught me that love sucks,
that feelings can change, passion will fade,
partners will come and go, but through it all,
one thing remains sacred: friendship
for that you were deffinitaly a reason
So, In short you were there as
a reason for all you taught me
a season for the time we shared
and a lifetime, knowing we could have made it
if things would have been a lil differant
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Love/Hate Relationship
5 Things I love about myself
- My taste in music -
my cd collection goes from Punk rock,
to show tunes to country
and everywhere in between (except rap).
- My curiosity, and open mindedness -
- My strength of character. -
I've gone through lots of stuff in my past
that should've just torn me apart,
but here I stand, in more or less one piece
(as whole as I was to begin with, anyway).
- I like that I don't care about the labels
people feel the need to slap on everyone -
goth, punk, emo, whatever...it just doesn't interest me.
Labels are for soup cans as far as I'm concerned.
- I have an incredibly strong stomach. -
I can handle more thrill rides than most people I know.
I love roller coasters, rides that drop you down from heights...
there's pretty much no ride that I won't go on.
5 Thing I hate about myself
- My insecurities.-
Life would be so much better if
I would just learn to loosen up
and stop caring what people think.
- My inability to take accept a compliment graciously.-
- I can't seem to speak without blurring some words together. -
And sometimes I stutter when I'm really flustered.
I hate feeling trapped by speech.
- My laugh. -
I think it's the most annoying sound in the world.
- I hate that people seem to mean
more to me than I mean to them. -
"I'm sorry I can't be perfect"
I'm sorry, but I'm not going to apologize. If there is a God, then I think that He is going to have to understand that the way that I turned out is mostly because of his plan. I mean, come on. How fair is it to punish me for the things that I truly believe now because of really screwed up experiences that I had at the hands of Catholic? I get so sick of people who try to tell me that I am going to go to hell because of the music I listen to, the friends I hang out with, the things I do, the things I think, the things I say… the list goes on and on, well the way I see it is, all and all I am a good person, I know I have a lot of flaws, but alas, I am only human, and none of us are perfect, but some people who are ‘Catholics’ seem to think that they are perfect, and can do whatever it is they please so long as they go and ask for forgiveness. Then afterwards, they can go back out in the world and commit the same sins they just asked to be forgiven for, and then all they have to do is go back to the church, and say, “Hey God, I fucked up again, but now that I am admitting it to you, you are going to forgive me, and I will get into heaven, cause you have forgiven my sins, for the 100th time.” Well I think that is a load of crap… I don’t think you can keep going and doing the same sinful thing and keep being forgiven for that sin, as long as you keep asking, I think you are only allowed to be forgiven once, cause when you are forgiven the first time, God knows that you know that your actions are wrong, and will not allow you to do it again with out facing the consequences. And some Catholics I know commit some pretty major sins, over and over again, and then all they do is say “Oops, I did it again, forgive me Father” I don’t see where I do anything that is a major sin, I worship the God I believe in, weather it is the same God others believe in or not, after all no one on earth knows the true path that God wants us to follow, all you can do is live life the best you can with what you are given, and hope that in the end, God will be the understanding person we are told he is, unless of coarse, you fuck up big time, and then well there is no hope for you. So with all that said the next time that someone comes up to me and tries to 'save' me, when I have done nothing bad, I am going to start quoting verses from the Wiccan Rede. The next time that someone has the audacity to tell me that my political, religious, and general outlook on life is wrong, irresponsible, misled, dangerous, and then has the balls to say that the reason I am 'wrong' is not my fault, but because of something that happened to me YEARS AGO, I am going to sit you down for a blow by blow discussion on exactly what happened to me then, and since, so that you can see that the only reason you are saying that is so that you don't have to take responsibility for the fact that Catholics are the NUMBER ONE REASON for atheism, period. Seriously people. We should be focusing on building bridges, not on finding ways to tear them down. You can think that I'm wrong as much as you want too-- I think you're wrong, too-- and you can pray for me all you want too. I pray for you, too. And for as dangerous or misled you think my opinions are, I promise that I think the same thing about yours. But... chances are that we are both powerful in our own ways. Chances are that we want, generally, the same things. Chances are that we love this world around us, we love the people in our lives, and we want-- with our whole hearts-- to keep them safe. So lets stop bitching about why we are the way we are, and why I'm wrong and why you're right, and why I'm going to Hell and why you're not. And let’s fix what we can, NOW, HERE. I'm tired of having my eye on eternity while today falls around me in shambles.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Dear Helen,
So, tonight I sit here thinking... about alot of things in my life, and the most promanint one is the fact that in the past few weeks, I have made a terrible mistake. I told someone, a few weeks back, that I needed time, and I did.... and now I don't know, I have not talked to them since, and really don't want to talk to them now, because they are not here with me. I know that makes no since at all, I really want to talk to this person, but she is so far away... and I am not good with change, and in the face of change I tend to turn and run away... and that is what I tried to do.... but I realize how stupid that is... if everytime something changes in my life, and I try to make it stay the same, or run from it, I will never get anywhere in life. And I realize this now, and I hope its not to late, but I have a request for this person, please come home... I miss you so much, and I love you more now, than ever... thanks for giving me time, and space, it is what I needed... but now I want the space to end, and I want you to come back home... where you belong, with me.
"I Miss You"
(I miss you, I miss you)
Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want Where you can always find me We'll have Halloween on Christmas And in the night we'll wish this never ends We'll wish this never ends
(I miss you, I miss you) (I miss you, I miss you)
Where are you and I'm so sorry I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight Stop this pain tonight
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)
"it's as plain as anyone can see, we're simply meant to be"
So, tonight I sit here thinking... about alot of things in my life, and the most promanint one is the fact that in the past few weeks, I have made a terrible mistake. I told someone, a few weeks back, that I needed time, and I did.... and now I don't know, I have not talked to them since, and really don't want to talk to them now, because they are not here with me. I know that makes no since at all, I really want to talk to this person, but she is so far away... and I am not good with change, and in the face of change I tend to turn and run away... and that is what I tried to do.... but I realize how stupid that is... if everytime something changes in my life, and I try to make it stay the same, or run from it, I will never get anywhere in life. And I realize this now, and I hope its not to late, but I have a request for this person, please come home... I miss you so much, and I love you more now, than ever... thanks for giving me time, and space, it is what I needed... but now I want the space to end, and I want you to come back home... where you belong, with me.
"I Miss You"
(I miss you, I miss you)
Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want Where you can always find me We'll have Halloween on Christmas And in the night we'll wish this never ends We'll wish this never ends
(I miss you, I miss you) (I miss you, I miss you)
Where are you and I'm so sorry I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight Stop this pain tonight
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)
"it's as plain as anyone can see, we're simply meant to be"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
So today is my birthday. I am 22 years old now.
And God has decided to give me a preasent this year...
I have some mystery illness, my throat is killing me,
it feels like i swallowed razor blades or something,
and my voice is stupid, sometimes I can talk, sometimes I can't
and when I can, I sound horrible... but anyways enough about that
This is the first birthday I have looked forward to that I can remember
only cause after all my friends get off from work, we are going out
we are going to go to the boat, have a couple of drinks
win some money (i hope) and have a good time
well I don't have much else to write about now,
so I'll leave you on this thought...
Birthdays are a good time to buy people stuff :-D
not that I am expecting any of you to do so,
but if you would like to I will give you a hint on what I want :)
CLICK HERE TO SEE WISH LIST
So today is my birthday. I am 22 years old now.
And God has decided to give me a preasent this year...
I have some mystery illness, my throat is killing me,
it feels like i swallowed razor blades or something,
and my voice is stupid, sometimes I can talk, sometimes I can't
and when I can, I sound horrible... but anyways enough about that
This is the first birthday I have looked forward to that I can remember
only cause after all my friends get off from work, we are going out
we are going to go to the boat, have a couple of drinks
win some money (i hope) and have a good time
well I don't have much else to write about now,
so I'll leave you on this thought...
Birthdays are a good time to buy people stuff :-D
not that I am expecting any of you to do so,
but if you would like to I will give you a hint on what I want :)
CLICK HERE TO SEE WISH LIST
So I Downloaded Microsoft Front Page Again, And Decided To Make A New Web Site, If You Want You Can Check It Out My New Web Page, Hope All Is Well With Everyone, Take It Easy, I'll Update More Soon I Promise.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Rant About Tonight
Should you read this, know that I am not mad at you... and this isn't meant to be hurtful, or mean its only my feelings right now, at this moment, and my opinions on some things from tonight.
First and foremost I want to say, that I am not mad at you, upset maybe... but that will pass come morning, but I think right now is a perfect time to get some things out in the open, and be honest with you. Cause, the things I say here are things I think often, but don't want to upset you, well you didn't mind upseting me, so I guess this is fair game.
You say that I don't know what I am talking about when I offer my opinion, well first off let me say, that you asked for it, and I gave it to you, and up to the point where you asked for my opinion I kept my mouth shut. Secondly how the hell are you going to tell someone that there opinion is wrong?
You are always quick to tell me that you are more mature that I am, yea in age maybe you are, but that dosn't make you right. and if you honestly think that, why do you come to me for advice? You make me think that I don't know what I am talking about... I have enough people who make me think that, I don't need you "my friend" to make me think that also. I am not going to say that I am always, or ever for that matter, right I am however going to say that when I tell you what I think, you should respect that just like I respect what you tell me. And with the whole throwing in my face that you are older, and more mature, why the hell do you get mad, when someone says something about your age? And on this subject if you truly are more mature than I am and other people my age, why the hell do you hang out with us?
Maybe you should get some people your own age to hang out with, and if you choose to keep hanging out with us, don't keep telling us that you are more mature just cause you are older
(I believe that maturity does not depend on age but on experiences) and let me tell you just cause you are older, don't think you are more mature than me you have no idea half the shit I have been though. I was forced to grow up and become mature at a very early age, and that is why people twice my age (you for example) come to me for advice, and call me a friend, cause I don't act like a 21 year old but I act like someone who is closer to your age. And I'm sorry that every once in awhile, I act my age, and it seems to piss you off to no end, well I'm sorry, but even though I am more mature than the average 21 yr old, dosn't mean that I am not still 21, and don't have the right to act my age every once in awhile. And also, don't forget that I was forced to grow up many years ahead of my real age, at an early age, and if you know anything about people like that, then you know that at times the child in them comes out, and they just want to have the fun that they missed out on growing up
You tell me I don't know you and the other person Well no fucking shit, I have said that many times but yet you keep asking me for my opinion well see the first thing i talked about, and you'll figure out where this is going
You tell me to think about other people and not just myself.... HELLO News flash, if I was only thinking of myself, I would not have said that all I want is for you to be happy, even if that means sacraficing my happiness does that sound like something someone who only thinks of themselfs would say? I care about you and all my friends more than I care about myself,
I go out of my way to be there for you guys, and do things for you guys, and i never once say anything about it, or tell you that I really have other things I need to be doing cause to me, things i do for you all are 100 times more important than anything else i could be doing, again does this sound like a self centered person? But what does sound like one to me, is someone who wants someone else to tell them things they want to hear. Who says that they don't go backwards in a relationship, well if you love someone, and they think its better to be just friends, you will be there friend, and not expect anything else, but that is only when you love that person more than you love yourself. and only then do you truly love the person. And if you want my honest opinion, right now, you don't love the person more than you love yourself. Cause you can't seem to be ok with just being friends, even though right now that is all the other person wants. but then again maybe i don't know what I am talking about, cause I don't know the other person involved
Then the real kicker of the night, you get mad at me cause I tell you I don't want to make plans
that i am not sure I will be able to keep. Last time I checked my world didn't revolve around you, and I am not obligated to do anything for you, I do what I can do, when I can do it, and if i end up unable to do something don't fucking get pissy with me, think of all the things I do for you, and not the few things I don't. And we both know, that had I made plans with you, and something came up, you would be mad at me for it, so instead of having that happen, I did what you told me in the past to do, and not make plans till I know for sure I am free, and then you get all upset, like I am obligated to do this for you. I am your friend, not your keeper, or taxi, or whatever else you sometimes treat me as. I'm sorry you made some bad mistakes in your past, and now can't drive yourself to places you need to go, but please don't blame me for it, and don't make me feel bad if I can't take you somewhere. cause again I am not your keeper, or taxi, I am only your friend, and I do what I can for you. And that is all you should expect me to do, cause that is all I expect you to do in return.
Now again, I am not mad at you, I am just telling you how you made me feel tonight
and I am just giving you my opinion on some things, and you can take them or leave them
it's up to you. Not once did I tell you that my opinions are right. They are simply my opinions
and “The world is not run by thought, nor by imagination, but by opinion”, your opinions shape your reality and your world, and everyone has differant opinions on everything, and who can say who is right or wrong? To everyone there own opinions are right, or they wouldn't have them. But they are only right to the person who owns them. I'm sorry I won't say things you want to hear, that is not who I am, that is not the kind of friend I am... And I hope that is not the kind of friend you are either. I know what I want to hear, I don't need anyone else to tell it to me for me, what i expect from people, is there opinions, and I respect them, even if I don't like them.
I realize that some of this shows my immaturity that you talked about, but at the same time, some of this shows just how more mature I am. This was not meant to make you mad, just meant to get it off my chest
Friday, April 7, 2006
Thursday, April 6, 2006
For Old Times Sake
Do you ever wonder if the best times of your life have passed you by?
I had some of the best months in my life in 2003/2004.
At the time, Joey, Crystal and I were living together
We did so much it makes my head spin when I think of it,
We shared so many good memories, and I know
that alot of the time we were living together, we didn't always get along
but looking back, the good times out weigh the bad
and I know that me and Crystal didn't always get along
but I will always think of her as a very good friend
and I am sorry, i wasn't the friend to her I should have been back then
I know one thing.... I would have hated living on the "farm" without them
It is true we wanted to make those months special, and we did…
And then I was forced to leave, and they moved away,
and I returned a few years later. And unsurprisingly,
returning, things have been very different without them.
I miss all the times we shared, or perhaps it is the company.
I can’t deny missing them. I was aware from the the time they moved in,
that I would miss there presence, with their larger than life
personalities and constant presence. We became incredibly close
(even though I didn't realize it at the time)
over the span of those months, and sometimes I wonder if we
will ever get the opportunity to experience that again.
Laughing together and talking late into the night.
Doing things that only friends do. I miss getting up early
and driving to corydon, to take Crystal to school...
(as much as i hated it at the time, but only cause I am not a morning person)
and the car drive back, where me and Joey got to talk.
I miss coming home, and knowing that I had a great friend there.
(And I feel it paved the way for their future marrige,
by them getting to live together, they had a chance
to get to know each other in ways, that they never would have
had they not been able to live together, or lived together with parents)
Even when I wasn't wanted around (cause they wanted "alone time")
and even though that upset me so much, I understand now
and wish I could go back and change things, but I can't
Crystal’s constant lighthearted chatter, and her excitability.
She had a child like innocence about her.
Joey’s random jokes at the most unexpected of times.
He always knew how to chear me up.
We fed off each other’s enthusiasm, each other’s spirit for life.
And even when things got bad, we still managed to make it.
I hope I’m not the only one that feels this way.
Sometimes people come and go from your lives,
and make themselves into such an important,
integral part of your life that once they go
they leave that large, gaping hole that you can’t help noticing.
It is not that I no longer have any fun, it’s just that much more different.
At times I sit and wonder wistfully what they are doing,
and how they are coping leaving behind the life we shared.
(I am sure they are doing just fine, I mean its been a few years
but tonight, I just started thinking about the times we shared")
And sometimes I cannot help but wish they were here with me
so we could just hang out again, and make stupid jokes, or just talk.
And sometimes I just miss the small things like going shopping
at the old walmart together, or watching disney movies
And sometimes I miss them so much I don’t know
what to do with myself, and I wonder if anyone
should have to lose two of their closest friends at the same time.
(though I didn't realize at the time how close we were)
I still have many, many experiences in my life,
as they do theres, and they are a few steps ahead of me
(marrige, and there additon to there family)
and I hope that many of mine will include these two special people.
as they have included me in theres
Here’s to you guys. I miss you.
I had some of the best months in my life in 2003/2004.
At the time, Joey, Crystal and I were living together
We did so much it makes my head spin when I think of it,
We shared so many good memories, and I know
that alot of the time we were living together, we didn't always get along
but looking back, the good times out weigh the bad
and I know that me and Crystal didn't always get along
but I will always think of her as a very good friend
and I am sorry, i wasn't the friend to her I should have been back then
I know one thing.... I would have hated living on the "farm" without them
It is true we wanted to make those months special, and we did…
And then I was forced to leave, and they moved away,
and I returned a few years later. And unsurprisingly,
returning, things have been very different without them.
I miss all the times we shared, or perhaps it is the company.
I can’t deny missing them. I was aware from the the time they moved in,
that I would miss there presence, with their larger than life
personalities and constant presence. We became incredibly close
(even though I didn't realize it at the time)
over the span of those months, and sometimes I wonder if we
will ever get the opportunity to experience that again.
Laughing together and talking late into the night.
Doing things that only friends do. I miss getting up early
and driving to corydon, to take Crystal to school...
(as much as i hated it at the time, but only cause I am not a morning person)
and the car drive back, where me and Joey got to talk.
I miss coming home, and knowing that I had a great friend there.
(And I feel it paved the way for their future marrige,
by them getting to live together, they had a chance
to get to know each other in ways, that they never would have
had they not been able to live together, or lived together with parents)
Even when I wasn't wanted around (cause they wanted "alone time")
and even though that upset me so much, I understand now
and wish I could go back and change things, but I can't
Crystal’s constant lighthearted chatter, and her excitability.
She had a child like innocence about her.
Joey’s random jokes at the most unexpected of times.
He always knew how to chear me up.
We fed off each other’s enthusiasm, each other’s spirit for life.
And even when things got bad, we still managed to make it.
I hope I’m not the only one that feels this way.
Sometimes people come and go from your lives,
and make themselves into such an important,
integral part of your life that once they go
they leave that large, gaping hole that you can’t help noticing.
It is not that I no longer have any fun, it’s just that much more different.
At times I sit and wonder wistfully what they are doing,
and how they are coping leaving behind the life we shared.
(I am sure they are doing just fine, I mean its been a few years
but tonight, I just started thinking about the times we shared")
And sometimes I cannot help but wish they were here with me
so we could just hang out again, and make stupid jokes, or just talk.
And sometimes I just miss the small things like going shopping
at the old walmart together, or watching disney movies
And sometimes I miss them so much I don’t know
what to do with myself, and I wonder if anyone
should have to lose two of their closest friends at the same time.
(though I didn't realize at the time how close we were)
I still have many, many experiences in my life,
as they do theres, and they are a few steps ahead of me
(marrige, and there additon to there family)
and I hope that many of mine will include these two special people.
as they have included me in theres
Here’s to you guys. I miss you.
Wednesday, April 5, 2006
What Color Eyes Should You Have? ( With Anime Pictures ^-^ )
Your eye color is dark blue. You rely on your logic solely, and may have more mature interests than many of your friends and family your age. You can sometimes also be interverted and lonely from a lack of understanding with people, and can be rather frustrated with some types of folke. Some may describe you as cold and distant, and you are honest with how you feel about things.
Take this quiz!
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Down On My Head
I work all night, For one more day
that I can say I'm all alone,
I just need time And I will say
what I believe and I'll come home,
And all I know
I never thought I would wake up in bed
Watching the world coming down on my head
I'd sleep like a dog if you would never had said
This is the world coming down on your head
As life flies by I'm not sure how
I'm gonna do this all again,
So line by line I write this down
and I'm just trying to find the end,
And all I know
I never thought I would wake up in bed
Watching the world coming down on my head
I'd sleep like a dog if you would never had said
This is the world coming down on your head
You gave it to me I remember it read
You got the world coming down on your head
There's nothing to fight for, it's already dead
And this is the world coming down on my head
I never thought I would wake up in bed
Watching the world coming down on my head
I'd sleep like a dog if you would never had said
This is the world coming down on your head
I'm not gonna swallow the lie that I'm fed
Cos I want the world coming down on my head
You're gonna find out you're already dead
And I was the world coming down on your head
that I can say I'm all alone,
I just need time And I will say
what I believe and I'll come home,
And all I know
I never thought I would wake up in bed
Watching the world coming down on my head
I'd sleep like a dog if you would never had said
This is the world coming down on your head
As life flies by I'm not sure how
I'm gonna do this all again,
So line by line I write this down
and I'm just trying to find the end,
And all I know
I never thought I would wake up in bed
Watching the world coming down on my head
I'd sleep like a dog if you would never had said
This is the world coming down on your head
You gave it to me I remember it read
You got the world coming down on your head
There's nothing to fight for, it's already dead
And this is the world coming down on my head
I never thought I would wake up in bed
Watching the world coming down on my head
I'd sleep like a dog if you would never had said
This is the world coming down on your head
I'm not gonna swallow the lie that I'm fed
Cos I want the world coming down on my head
You're gonna find out you're already dead
And I was the world coming down on your head
It's All Just A Waiting Game
You and me, A little different
Though we tried to stay the same
It never leaves And when it changes
it is still a waiting game
I wait for a lonely breath
I wait to surface from this death
Wait for the light to come and take away
these images I get In my head
More than ever I need to feel you
More than ever I see the real you
You are me, A worst disaster
would be waking up alone
Now we're free, we're drifting out
Like all the ones we didn't know
I wait for a silent tear
I wait for things to disappear
Wait for the ground to stop moving
underneath my only fear
If I lose you I don't know
More than ever I need to feel you It's all around
More than ever I see the real you And it surrounds
Everything, everything We've had
Out of sight out of mind Given that
What I see when I dream Hurts like hell and back
More than ever I need to feel you It's all around
More than ever I see the real you And it surrounds
Though we tried to stay the same
It never leaves And when it changes
it is still a waiting game
I wait for a lonely breath
I wait to surface from this death
Wait for the light to come and take away
these images I get In my head
More than ever I need to feel you
More than ever I see the real you
You are me, A worst disaster
would be waking up alone
Now we're free, we're drifting out
Like all the ones we didn't know
I wait for a silent tear
I wait for things to disappear
Wait for the ground to stop moving
underneath my only fear
If I lose you I don't know
More than ever I need to feel you It's all around
More than ever I see the real you And it surrounds
Everything, everything We've had
Out of sight out of mind Given that
What I see when I dream Hurts like hell and back
More than ever I need to feel you It's all around
More than ever I see the real you And it surrounds
It's All Gone Grey
Grey skies clouding up the things
we used to see with wide eyes
Maybe everything was meant to be this way
Will it ever change
But are we stuck here on our own
It's all gone grey
I found telling you the truth
the hardest thing to get out
I know it wasn't you
that made me feel this way
Will it ever change
Or are we stuck here on our own.
And give it one more try
I don't know if I would stay
I feel so much better now
And baby begging me
Will leave you so empty inside
So you shouldn't even try
I know every last regret
inside of me is my own
The way I hold them close
has made me be this way
I will never change
I know I'm stuck here
on my own, on my own
Given one more try
I don't know if I would stay
I feel so much better now
Where did we go wrong
I know you still hold on to me
But it's time that you let go
I gave you things I had
That I could not get back again
But I'm better off alone
It's all gone grey
we used to see with wide eyes
Maybe everything was meant to be this way
Will it ever change
But are we stuck here on our own
It's all gone grey
I found telling you the truth
the hardest thing to get out
I know it wasn't you
that made me feel this way
Will it ever change
Or are we stuck here on our own.
And give it one more try
I don't know if I would stay
I feel so much better now
And baby begging me
Will leave you so empty inside
So you shouldn't even try
I know every last regret
inside of me is my own
The way I hold them close
has made me be this way
I will never change
I know I'm stuck here
on my own, on my own
Given one more try
I don't know if I would stay
I feel so much better now
Where did we go wrong
I know you still hold on to me
But it's time that you let go
I gave you things I had
That I could not get back again
But I'm better off alone
It's all gone grey
So, Its Almost 2pm, and I am just getting out of bed... I'm sitting here having a smoke. Not much to write about, I have not did much of anything the past couple days, went back to work on Sun after vacation, didn't want to be there, the first part of the day sucked, but it eventually got better, until it started storming, and due to a lack of communication, we thought we had a code black , but come to find out, we didn't... anyways, Monday was a little better, and then I was off yesterday and today. Yesterday, well I didn't sleep at all monday night, went to bed tues morning around 10 or so, got back up at 1, went back to bed around 3, got back up at 6, went back to bed at 8 got back up at 1 this morning was online for awhile, then watched some tv and went back to bed at 6 this morning and now am uo for the day, I think I caught back up on sleep :). I hate it when I don't sleep one night then the next day is shot. Well anyways, My cig is almost gone, I have to go do laundry, I may be back on here later, and if so I'll write more then. Take it easy.
Tuesday, April 4, 2006
She is tougher than she looks.
The happy, flirty exterior hides a woman
who has gone through her own personal hell.
Betrayal by friends and having to prove herself.
She and I are knitted together by a matrix
of experiences of life, and everytime I think
that I can no longer learn from her,
I am proven wrong and humbled by my arrogance.
She smiles and my heart melts. Not in a bad way.
I enjoy the intimacy we share,
the intimacy only reflected in our eyes,
reflected through the honesty of our easy conversations,
knowing she will be there when I need her.
She taught me about love. She taught me about letting go.
His gentleness and subtlety remind me of my spiritual paths.
The inner peace that I see within him has become stronger with time,
and our friendship is one of acceptance. As far apart as we are,
each meeting is as if we had never spent time apart,
and the realisation that we are becoming young men.
Emerging from our coccoons, a far cry from the naive boys we were.
I laugh with him. Laugh like I can forget the world,
and his obvious enjoyment fuels my own.
The innocence of friendship and laughter,
and knowing that we will be able to lean on each other
in this rollercoaster of life. Knowing that there will always be
place for me despite the differences between us.
He is the one of the few I can let down all barriers with.
Both fuelled on by each other's company,
be it comfortable silence or the manic laughing fits.
Growing up together, growing apart yet closer at the same time.
Finishing each other's sentences. Late night drives. Crazy ideas. My counterpart and ally.
She will always bring heartbreak to mind, and at the same time,
a friendship forged out of the embers of that mutual resolution.
A strange friendship, a strange bond, knowing I am one of the few
that she has ever dated, a strange comfort with each other
despite the distance that separates us now.
She reminds me of all that is good and sweet in this world.
Her warmth, her love, her capacity to trust.
The type of person that life has a habit out of eating alive.
She makes me want to protect her fragile heart,
to let her live her goodness without becoming
hardened like the rest of the world.
He carries within him such pain,
pain I can never begin to comprehend.
Yet, underneath the tough exterior,
every so often I feel him soften,
and I wish I could help him heal the scars.
With affection there is also pain,
for by opening myself to him,
I share the pain he speaks of.
They become part of me, and I carry part of them with me.
The joys, the sadness, the lessons I have learnt
and the ones they have learnt from me,
each individual and many more touching me in ways
so subtle and uncomprehensible, it will never be known
to what extent I have changed due to the course
of the people I have met.
Some are associated with life's lessons.
Some with the seven deadly sins,
and what I must never succumb to.
Some with matters of the heart,
and the realisation that the intensity
of emotion always grows with time.
Some with hope and pride and aspirations.
Some with the philosopher, the lover, the fighter,
the healer, the innocent, the darkness,
the good, the evil, the fallen, the hopeful
and everything in the world that exists within humanity,
and all I carry within.
And I wouldn't change a single thing.
The happy, flirty exterior hides a woman
who has gone through her own personal hell.
Betrayal by friends and having to prove herself.
She and I are knitted together by a matrix
of experiences of life, and everytime I think
that I can no longer learn from her,
I am proven wrong and humbled by my arrogance.
She smiles and my heart melts. Not in a bad way.
I enjoy the intimacy we share,
the intimacy only reflected in our eyes,
reflected through the honesty of our easy conversations,
knowing she will be there when I need her.
She taught me about love. She taught me about letting go.
His gentleness and subtlety remind me of my spiritual paths.
The inner peace that I see within him has become stronger with time,
and our friendship is one of acceptance. As far apart as we are,
each meeting is as if we had never spent time apart,
and the realisation that we are becoming young men.
Emerging from our coccoons, a far cry from the naive boys we were.
I laugh with him. Laugh like I can forget the world,
and his obvious enjoyment fuels my own.
The innocence of friendship and laughter,
and knowing that we will be able to lean on each other
in this rollercoaster of life. Knowing that there will always be
place for me despite the differences between us.
He is the one of the few I can let down all barriers with.
Both fuelled on by each other's company,
be it comfortable silence or the manic laughing fits.
Growing up together, growing apart yet closer at the same time.
Finishing each other's sentences. Late night drives. Crazy ideas. My counterpart and ally.
She will always bring heartbreak to mind, and at the same time,
a friendship forged out of the embers of that mutual resolution.
A strange friendship, a strange bond, knowing I am one of the few
that she has ever dated, a strange comfort with each other
despite the distance that separates us now.
She reminds me of all that is good and sweet in this world.
Her warmth, her love, her capacity to trust.
The type of person that life has a habit out of eating alive.
She makes me want to protect her fragile heart,
to let her live her goodness without becoming
hardened like the rest of the world.
He carries within him such pain,
pain I can never begin to comprehend.
Yet, underneath the tough exterior,
every so often I feel him soften,
and I wish I could help him heal the scars.
With affection there is also pain,
for by opening myself to him,
I share the pain he speaks of.
They become part of me, and I carry part of them with me.
The joys, the sadness, the lessons I have learnt
and the ones they have learnt from me,
each individual and many more touching me in ways
so subtle and uncomprehensible, it will never be known
to what extent I have changed due to the course
of the people I have met.
Some are associated with life's lessons.
Some with the seven deadly sins,
and what I must never succumb to.
Some with matters of the heart,
and the realisation that the intensity
of emotion always grows with time.
Some with hope and pride and aspirations.
Some with the philosopher, the lover, the fighter,
the healer, the innocent, the darkness,
the good, the evil, the fallen, the hopeful
and everything in the world that exists within humanity,
and all I carry within.
And I wouldn't change a single thing.
The Fluidity of Life
The Internet is finally back on.
Well it has been since fri.....
Funny how one becomes
so dependent on so small a thing.
Life is such that everything is dynamic.
All things fluctuate, and the most,
relationships with the people around you.
As you change, so do they,
and time reveals differences.
Cracks in friendships.
Or the strengthening of bonds.
One of the saddest parts is when
two people just grow apart.
Not due to disagreement or argument
or disillusionment of any sort,
but they simply change.
And for no rhyme or reason,
the glue that once bound them together
no longer holds the same potency.
And despite all efforts by both parties,
there comes a point where they no longer try
and are forced to sit back and admit that
the company is no longer the same that it once was.
Sometimes it is sad to think of past friendships,
those misty watercolour memories softened by time,
of the past smiles and laughter shared,
knowing that things are no longer the same.
Sometimes there’s that little stab of pain,
knowing your place has been replaced
by someone else, and you are no longer
privy to those private smiles and private jokes.
I am reminded of a quote from Schubert, the composer.
“No one feels another's grief,
no one understands another's joy.
People imagine they can reach one another.
In reality they only pass each other by."
Perhaps there is more in those words than I think.
Yet, all those who have passed through my life
have made a difference, no matter how slight,
and it is through those interafctions
that I have become what I have become.
If we have only passed each other by, so be it,
but in the passing, people are changed.
And therein is the beauty of life.
The Internet is finally back on.
Well it has been since fri.....
Funny how one becomes
so dependent on so small a thing.
Life is such that everything is dynamic.
All things fluctuate, and the most,
relationships with the people around you.
As you change, so do they,
and time reveals differences.
Cracks in friendships.
Or the strengthening of bonds.
One of the saddest parts is when
two people just grow apart.
Not due to disagreement or argument
or disillusionment of any sort,
but they simply change.
And for no rhyme or reason,
the glue that once bound them together
no longer holds the same potency.
And despite all efforts by both parties,
there comes a point where they no longer try
and are forced to sit back and admit that
the company is no longer the same that it once was.
Sometimes it is sad to think of past friendships,
those misty watercolour memories softened by time,
of the past smiles and laughter shared,
knowing that things are no longer the same.
Sometimes there’s that little stab of pain,
knowing your place has been replaced
by someone else, and you are no longer
privy to those private smiles and private jokes.
I am reminded of a quote from Schubert, the composer.
“No one feels another's grief,
no one understands another's joy.
People imagine they can reach one another.
In reality they only pass each other by."
Perhaps there is more in those words than I think.
Yet, all those who have passed through my life
have made a difference, no matter how slight,
and it is through those interafctions
that I have become what I have become.
If we have only passed each other by, so be it,
but in the passing, people are changed.
And therein is the beauty of life.
Followed
Do you think I'm weird?
Other than my usual weirdness
where I think weird things
and point it out in a middle
of a discussion and laugh
like crazy whether you get it or not?
I think I'm going mad.
I'm starting to see things and it is scary.
Sounds so fuckin' lame and I feel like
slappin' myself but yeah. What can you do.
I have always thougth this house was haunted
I see shadows and they move.
And its not just once or twice.
Oh, and yeah, some people probably think
I am making this up but the thing is
it wasn't only this morning.
When I was huddlin' under the blankets
trying to fall asleep, while squeezing my eyes shut
and thinking, "maybe it's the lack of sleep".
It happened a few times these past couple of weeks.
I see some black shadows, moving,
from the corner of my eye, even in bright daylight.
And I know it is not my fucking imagination.
Don't you think someone my age can tell
the difference between reality and imagination?
Curiously, I am always alert when I "see" these things.
I hardly get a good night sleep now,
always jerking awake with my eyes darting wildly about
and my ears straining to listen to god knows what.
I sleep with the lights on now.
With my computer on and music playing.
Honestly, I don't care if I go mental.
Or if something's wrong with my brain
or I am psychologically disturbed.
I'm not afraid of that. But afraid of the supernatural.
Stupid right? A big boy afraid of monsters under the bed.
I'm tired. And I don't care if you believe me.
Right now, everyone can just go to hell.
See ya there. Heh.
Other than my usual weirdness
where I think weird things
and point it out in a middle
of a discussion and laugh
like crazy whether you get it or not?
I think I'm going mad.
I'm starting to see things and it is scary.
Sounds so fuckin' lame and I feel like
slappin' myself but yeah. What can you do.
I have always thougth this house was haunted
I see shadows and they move.
And its not just once or twice.
Oh, and yeah, some people probably think
I am making this up but the thing is
it wasn't only this morning.
When I was huddlin' under the blankets
trying to fall asleep, while squeezing my eyes shut
and thinking, "maybe it's the lack of sleep".
It happened a few times these past couple of weeks.
I see some black shadows, moving,
from the corner of my eye, even in bright daylight.
And I know it is not my fucking imagination.
Don't you think someone my age can tell
the difference between reality and imagination?
Curiously, I am always alert when I "see" these things.
I hardly get a good night sleep now,
always jerking awake with my eyes darting wildly about
and my ears straining to listen to god knows what.
I sleep with the lights on now.
With my computer on and music playing.
Honestly, I don't care if I go mental.
Or if something's wrong with my brain
or I am psychologically disturbed.
I'm not afraid of that. But afraid of the supernatural.
Stupid right? A big boy afraid of monsters under the bed.
I'm tired. And I don't care if you believe me.
Right now, everyone can just go to hell.
See ya there. Heh.
| I want an easy answer. | ||
You really make me feel
every damn emotions on extremes.
You confuse me more than anything really.
But still I can't pull myself together
to completely leave you behind.
Even if I turn around, there would still be
that part of me left with you.
And I just can't do anything
to take it back with me.
You make me wish sometimes
that I had never met you.
But I know that I wouldn't be
this happy without you.
You make me regret ever getting
close to you and opening up like a lockless door.
Then, there are those times
that I just can't help telling you things
I am desperate for you to know,
to get to know me better
(and hope that you would like what you see).
You make me smile the sweetest smile.
And you make me shed the most bitter tears.
You make me want you more and more.
Then you make me hate you again and again.
I love you.
I hate you.
I like you.
Go away.
Please come back.
I want to leave you.
Can't we bring back yeaterday?
Stay away.
I miss you.
I hate you.
But most of all,
I LOVE YOU!
every damn emotions on extremes.
You confuse me more than anything really.
But still I can't pull myself together
to completely leave you behind.
Even if I turn around, there would still be
that part of me left with you.
And I just can't do anything
to take it back with me.
You make me wish sometimes
that I had never met you.
But I know that I wouldn't be
this happy without you.
You make me regret ever getting
close to you and opening up like a lockless door.
Then, there are those times
that I just can't help telling you things
I am desperate for you to know,
to get to know me better
(and hope that you would like what you see).
You make me smile the sweetest smile.
And you make me shed the most bitter tears.
You make me want you more and more.
Then you make me hate you again and again.
I love you.
I hate you.
I like you.
Go away.
Please come back.
I want to leave you.
Can't we bring back yeaterday?
Stay away.
I miss you.
I hate you.
But most of all,
I LOVE YOU!
Gazing through the window at the world outside
Wondering will mother earth survive
Hoping that mankind will stop abusing her sometime
After all there's only just the two of us
And here we are still fighting for our lives
Watching all of history repeat itself Time after time
I'm just a dreamer I dream my life away
I'm just a dreamer Who dreams of better days
I watch the sun go down like everyone of us
I'm hoping that the dawn will bring a sign
A better place for those Who will come after us ... This time
I'm just a dreamer I dream my life away
I'm just a dreamer Who dreams of better days
Your higher power may be God or
It doesn't really matter much to me
Without each others help there ain't no hope for us
I'm living in a dream of fantasy
If only we could all just find serenity
It would be nice if we could live as one
When will all this anger, hate and bigotry ... Be gone?
I'm just a dreamer I dream my life away
Today I'm just a dreamer Who dreams of better days
Okay I'm just a dreamer Who's searching for the way
Today I'm just a dreamer Dreaming my life away
Wondering will mother earth survive
Hoping that mankind will stop abusing her sometime
After all there's only just the two of us
And here we are still fighting for our lives
Watching all of history repeat itself Time after time
I'm just a dreamer I dream my life away
I'm just a dreamer Who dreams of better days
I watch the sun go down like everyone of us
I'm hoping that the dawn will bring a sign
A better place for those Who will come after us ... This time
I'm just a dreamer I dream my life away
I'm just a dreamer Who dreams of better days
Your higher power may be God or
It doesn't really matter much to me
Without each others help there ain't no hope for us
I'm living in a dream of fantasy
If only we could all just find serenity
It would be nice if we could live as one
When will all this anger, hate and bigotry ... Be gone?
I'm just a dreamer I dream my life away
Today I'm just a dreamer Who dreams of better days
Okay I'm just a dreamer Who's searching for the way
Today I'm just a dreamer Dreaming my life away
So tonight, I was lying in bed, just thinking about alot of things, and I feel that I may have discovered something terrible about the universe. It is all... random. It is all an accident. Nothing has any reason or rationale behind it... maybe it really is just a lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. That is the only thing I can think of that would justify the awful unfairness of it all. The bull shit behind it. One day I will accidentally fall in love again, and probably have children. What will I tell them about life and death? How can I explain to them that it doesn't make sense, that it can't make sense, that it never will? That I have been exhausted trying to figure it out? How can I make them feel secure and safe in a world where I cannot guarantee anything beyond the past? And when they find out that the world isn't safe, that it isn't secure, that accidents happen and that innocent, beautiful people die every day... will they think I lied to them? Will I have become apart of the injustice?
"Love is just a word until you find someone to give it definition"
"Love is just a word until you find someone to give it definition"
How true is it that one would only realize
another person's worth (in my case)
once he or she is gone?
How true is it that love is not just in
the other person's presence
but in his or her absence as well?
Both are true for me.
I don't understand myself
or how exactly I feel for you.
There is no doubt that you are
'very special' for me.
Yes, I am one of the many
few who fell for you.
You're like a sailing boat
on an unpredictable ocean---
always moving in all directions,
sometimes closer to me
and sometimes moving farther away...
just to come back
when I could almost
do it on my own.
Just great.
I miss you when you're not there.
But I know we could never be
what I wish we could be.
And something tells me
that it really isn't time
for 'us' to take such a leap
(if ever that day would ever come).
I am happy to be where we are
right now, just friends.
And just fot the record---You are my first true love.
Because it was with you that I learned
to give and sacrifice without asking anything in return.
Because it was with you that
I learned to love and wait patiently.
Because it was with you that I learned
to appreciate and accept everything
in a person, completely without change, no demands.
Because it was with you that I learned
to understand no matter how
everything and everyone was against you.
Because it was with you that I learned
to be happy with what I have.
Because it was with you that
I learned to be strong and weak.
Because it was with you that
I learned to become MYSELF.
You are my first love, not her.
How true is it that one would only realize
another person's worth (in my case)
once he or she is gone?
How true is it that love is not just in
the other person's presence
but in his or her absence as well?
Both are true for me.
I don't understand myself
or how exactly I feel for you.
There is no doubt that you are
'very special' for me.
Yes, I am one of the many
few who fell for you.
You're like a sailing boat
on an unpredictable ocean---
always moving in all directions,
sometimes closer to me
and sometimes moving farther away...
just to come back
when I could almost
do it on my own.
Just great.
I miss you when you're not there.
But I know we could never be
what I wish we could be.
And something tells me
that it really isn't time
for 'us' to take such a leap
(if ever that day would ever come).
I am happy to be where we are
right now, just friends.
And just fot the record---You are my first true love.
Because it was with you that I learned
to give and sacrifice without asking anything in return.
Because it was with you that
I learned to love and wait patiently.
Because it was with you that I learned
to appreciate and accept everything
in a person, completely without change, no demands.
Because it was with you that I learned
to understand no matter how
everything and everyone was against you.
Because it was with you that I learned
to be happy with what I have.
Because it was with you that
I learned to be strong and weak.
Because it was with you that
I learned to become MYSELF.
You are my first love, not her.
From now on...I'm going to be my best.
I'm going to take care of myself.
I'm going to be the person I once was.
The person that was happy in spite
of everything that life throws at him.
The person who loves the people around him.
I'm going to take care of the people I care about.
I'm going to waste no time and love all those I love.
I am not going to take for granted the
little happiness that comes my way.
I am not going to take for granted
the people who love and care for me.
I will treasure every moment with them.
I will help them all the time.
I will protect them always.
I will make them happy.
I know I will be loved.
I will be loved by someone, unconditionally,
in spite and despite of my appearance.
I will change for the best.
And I will love my self, my life,
and everything and everyone part of it.
I will live my life, without hatred,
bitterness, self-doubt and fear.
I'm going to take care of myself.
I'm going to be the person I once was.
The person that was happy in spite
of everything that life throws at him.
The person who loves the people around him.
I'm going to take care of the people I care about.
I'm going to waste no time and love all those I love.
I am not going to take for granted the
little happiness that comes my way.
I am not going to take for granted
the people who love and care for me.
I will treasure every moment with them.
I will help them all the time.
I will protect them always.
I will make them happy.
I know I will be loved.
I will be loved by someone, unconditionally,
in spite and despite of my appearance.
I will change for the best.
And I will love my self, my life,
and everything and everyone part of it.
I will live my life, without hatred,
bitterness, self-doubt and fear.
What if the one you want, the one thing you need, the one thing you think could save you, is the exact thing that scares you? I feel it. I'm feeling it right now. In the short course of my existence, I have loved only twice. The first time was fortunate enough to have had closure. The second time...is still waiting for it. Still waiting. But I feel it's almost there. I have had very many painful experiences on both of them, although there are those that could not be denied as happiness. And as I stand here, still alone, I am looking for the same thing that had caused me pain. And as I look for it, there is this feeling that is out of place. Fear. Doubt. I fear the same thing I seek for. I doubt that of which is the only thing I should believe in. Love.
Soulmates?
I had a disturbing thought from a friend today. Two friends of mine just broke up yesterday and one was talking to me about it. When asked how he felt, he said that they still love each other but they just knew they had to break up. Sometimes, I just don't understand that situation but sometimes I think I do. The thing is, he told us that he really feels and believes that he and her are soulmates. I joked around and told him that they would get back together someday, if not now, then surely in the future. He insisted NO. He said that soulmates do not usually end up together in this life but in the life after this. Now, for some reason what he said really got to me.
Do soulmates really not end up together in their lifetime but in their death? I don't understand that part. What's the sense of being soulmates then? Then I asked him how would you know who you're soulmate is. He just said that I would... "the magic", and snapped his finger at the same time. He seemed like he was kidding but he really was very serious. What is that "magic" that you would feel? How would you be so sure that it is "the magic" and not just a transient one that is brought about by our human emotions? Have I met my soulmate? Or am I too wait for that person still? and if so, for how much longer?
Do soulmates really not end up together in their lifetime but in their death? I don't understand that part. What's the sense of being soulmates then? Then I asked him how would you know who you're soulmate is. He just said that I would... "the magic", and snapped his finger at the same time. He seemed like he was kidding but he really was very serious. What is that "magic" that you would feel? How would you be so sure that it is "the magic" and not just a transient one that is brought about by our human emotions? Have I met my soulmate? Or am I too wait for that person still? and if so, for how much longer?
Monday, April 3, 2006
While Thinking About Things
So tonight, I was lying in bed, just thinking about alot of things, and I feel that I may have discovered something terrible about the universe. It is all... random. It is all an accident. Nothing has any reason or rationale behind it... maybe it really is just a lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. That is the only thing I can think of that would justify the awful unfairness of it all. The bull shit behind it. One day I will accidentally fall in love again, and probably have children. What will I tell them about life and death? How can I explain to them that it doesn't make sense, that it can't make sense, that it never will? That I have been exhausted trying to figure it out? How can I make them feel secure and safe in a world where I cannot guarantee anything beyond the past? And when they find out that the world isn't safe, that it isn't secure, that accidents happen and that innocent, beautiful people die every day... will they think I lied to them? Will I have become apart of the injustice?
While Thinking About Things
So tonight, I was lying in bed, just thinking about alot of things, and I feel that I may have discovered something terrible about the universe. It is all... random. It is all an accident. Nothing has any reason or rationale behind it... maybe it really is just a lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. That is the only thing I can think of that would justify the awful unfairness of it all. The bull shit behind it. One day I will accidentally fall in love again, and probably have children. What will I tell them about life and death? How can I explain to them that it doesn't make sense, that it can't make sense, that it never will? That I have been exhausted trying to figure it out? How can I make them feel secure and safe in a world where I cannot guarantee anything beyond the past? And when they find out that the world isn't safe, that it isn't secure, that accidents happen and that innocent, beautiful people die every day... will they think I lied to them? Will I have become apart of the injustice?
While Thinking About Things
So tonight, I was lying in bed, just thinking about alot of things, and I feel that I may have discovered something terrible about the universe. It is all... random. It is all an accident. Nothing has any reason or rationale behind it... maybe it really is just a lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. That is the only thing I can think of that would justify the awful unfairness of it all. The bull shit behind it. One day I will accidentally fall in love again, and probably have children. What will I tell them about life and death? How can I explain to them that it doesn't make sense, that it can't make sense, that it never will? That I have been exhausted trying to figure it out? How can I make them feel secure and safe in a world where I cannot guarantee anything beyond the past? And when they find out that the world isn't safe, that it isn't secure, that accidents happen and that innocent, beautiful people die every day... will they think I lied to them? Will I have become apart of the injustice?
Gazing through the window at the world outside
Wondering will mother earth survive
Hoping that mankind will stop abusing her sometime
After all there's only just the two of us
And here we are still fighting for our lives
Watching all of history repeat itself Time after time
I'm just a dreamer I dream my life away
I'm just a dreamer Who dreams of better days
I watch the sun go down like everyone of us
I'm hoping that the dawn will bring a sign
A better place for those Who will come after us ... This time
I'm just a dreamer I dream my life away
I'm just a dreamer Who dreams of better days
Your higher power may be God or
It doesn't really matter much to me
Without each others help there ain't no hope for us
I'm living in a dream of fantasy
If only we could all just find serenity
It would be nice if we could live as one
When will all this anger, hate and bigotry ... Be gone?
I'm just a dreamer I dream my life away
Today I'm just a dreamer Who dreams of better days
Okay I'm just a dreamer Who's searching for the way
Today I'm just a dreamer Dreaming my life away
Wondering will mother earth survive
Hoping that mankind will stop abusing her sometime
After all there's only just the two of us
And here we are still fighting for our lives
Watching all of history repeat itself Time after time
I'm just a dreamer I dream my life away
I'm just a dreamer Who dreams of better days
I watch the sun go down like everyone of us
I'm hoping that the dawn will bring a sign
A better place for those Who will come after us ... This time
I'm just a dreamer I dream my life away
I'm just a dreamer Who dreams of better days
Your higher power may be God or
It doesn't really matter much to me
Without each others help there ain't no hope for us
I'm living in a dream of fantasy
If only we could all just find serenity
It would be nice if we could live as one
When will all this anger, hate and bigotry ... Be gone?
I'm just a dreamer I dream my life away
Today I'm just a dreamer Who dreams of better days
Okay I'm just a dreamer Who's searching for the way
Today I'm just a dreamer Dreaming my life away
Gazing through the window at the world outside
Wondering will mother earth survive
Hoping that mankind will stop abusing her sometime
After all there's only just the two of us
And here we are still fighting for our lives
Watching all of history repeat itself Time after time
I'm just a dreamer I dream my life away
I'm just a dreamer Who dreams of better days
I watch the sun go down like everyone of us
I'm hoping that the dawn will bring a sign
A better place for those Who will come after us ... This time
I'm just a dreamer I dream my life away
I'm just a dreamer Who dreams of better days
Your higher power may be God or
It doesn't really matter much to me
Without each others help there ain't no hope for us
I'm living in a dream of fantasy
If only we could all just find serenity
It would be nice if we could live as one
When will all this anger, hate and bigotry ... Be gone?
I'm just a dreamer I dream my life away
Today I'm just a dreamer Who dreams of better days
Okay I'm just a dreamer Who's searching for the way
Today I'm just a dreamer Dreaming my life away
Wondering will mother earth survive
Hoping that mankind will stop abusing her sometime
After all there's only just the two of us
And here we are still fighting for our lives
Watching all of history repeat itself Time after time
I'm just a dreamer I dream my life away
I'm just a dreamer Who dreams of better days
I watch the sun go down like everyone of us
I'm hoping that the dawn will bring a sign
A better place for those Who will come after us ... This time
I'm just a dreamer I dream my life away
I'm just a dreamer Who dreams of better days
Your higher power may be God or
It doesn't really matter much to me
Without each others help there ain't no hope for us
I'm living in a dream of fantasy
If only we could all just find serenity
It would be nice if we could live as one
When will all this anger, hate and bigotry ... Be gone?
I'm just a dreamer I dream my life away
Today I'm just a dreamer Who dreams of better days
Okay I'm just a dreamer Who's searching for the way
Today I'm just a dreamer Dreaming my life away
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