Running In Circles

So I'm sitting up here at Helens (waiting for her and Justice to get up, or waiting for it to be time for me to have to get ready to go to work, which ever comes first) and am smoking a cig and decided to write, not that anything I am about to write has anything to do with helen, or smoking at least I don't think it does .

A lot has been going on in my life... maybe not externally, but internally a lot, a LOT, has been running thru and out and in and around my head. Most recently I've been dealing w/ all these outside things, like people coming back into lives they've been out of for a very long time and that makes all sorts of things flip-flop and change and... to be quite honest, I don't know what to do/feel about it.

To tell the truth, a majority of the time I feel inadequate. I know this is probably b/c all sorts of kinds of issues that I've got, but it's odd. I want to say "I've been there, I've been throught that. Let me help you through to the otherside... let's do it together," but I feel like I can't, like all my emotions and what I've done, and the progress I've made, it's all fake. I'm tired of feeling fake.
I'm tired of feeling like my emotions aren't enough, that they aren't right. I dunno what "right" is supposed to look like, but I feel like what I'm feeling is wrong,
and I just want to scream out: "Hey!! I'm fucking human!! I'm allowed to have emotions damnit! It's what we do!!" but you know I can't.

I'm prob just hearing things wrong anyway... he wouldn't be telling me what I was feeling was wrong b/c, well, logically speaking, you can't tell a person to feel one way or another... and, yes, maybe sometimes it's not 'appropriate' to outwardly show that you feel certain emotions at certain times, but it's definately not against
any unspoken law to feel ANYthing at ANYtime... am I making any sense?

Truthfully, I want to make all this shyt go away... b/c I'm tired of feeling like crap and I'm tired of not being able to sleep and I'm just plain tired of feeling tired of I dunno how may thigns going on in my little fucked up head.

I've got 50 minutes before I've gotta get ready for work where I have to put up with the most ungrateful people who think that I should let them have whatever they want
and that when I do my job and follow policy that I am just trying to be mean, and then I have to put up with managment who says just let them have whatever they want so they are happy I don't know why i even bother following policy anymore...
I don't know why I feel so fucking bitter.

Nicotine... mmmm...*

So... I think I've about run dry as an "writer"... I haven't written anything decent in awhile and, frankly, I have no desire to. I don't know how I can even bother to call myself a writer when I can't feel the urge, or want even, to sit down and do something I (used to?) love. Maybe I'm just stressed... I just wish I had one person to talk to Like Melissa or Joey who knew and really understood me, and my past...
where I've been, what I go through, why I do the things I do, and to be patient in the knowing and seeing that I'm trying to change all these bad habits and thought processes of mine and whatnot.

I have one friend whom I talk to often and it's not that Angelina doesn't understand me, or that I don't want to talk to her, but lately... I've just felt so far away,
and I don't want to bother her w/ the babbling of the same shyt over and over again
b/c I feel like it's a fucking thereapy session and we're always talking about the same stuff and I'm never getting anywhere. I hate running around in circles.

Blah fucking blah.

I am done with this for now, I'll write more later