Goober's Take On Mary Had A Little Lamb

Earlier in the week you were sent a Goober News Press article on "Little Miss
Muffet", and at the very end, you were warned that if you didn't like that one,
you sure won't like the one that you are about to get from your
beloved GNP(Goober News Press), so if you don't want to laugh your a-- off, then
don't read the following.
Just remember, you were warned.




"MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB"
A review(and then some) by Samuel Q. Lamb
Literial guru for the GNP(Goober News Press)

Ah, the days of our childhood, when we grew up, then went to school to learn
what we could, and recite some of
those old familiar nursery rhymes. One of which was "Mary Had A Little Lamb".
If you are not familiar with the words to it, here's how it goes:

Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go.

It followed her to school one day,
Which was against the rule.
It made the children laugh and play,
To see a lamb at school.

Back then, that was the nursery rhyme that you could recite by heart, but, what
if you were to have broken
that nursery rhyme down, line by line, at school, what would your teacher have
said, and what would your
classmates have said when you gave the following, which we are going to break
down for you, line by line.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB:
*What was Mary's last name?
*Could her last name be Lamb?
*What was her race: Caucasian, African-American, Hispanic, Other?
*What was her religious background: Southern Baptist, Catholic, Penecostal,
Atheist?
*What was her political affiliation: Republican or Democrat?
*Did she vote for Bush or Kerry in the 2004 election?
*We can assume Mary was a little girl, but was she an only child?
*Did she have any other brothers or sisters that she never told us about?
*Was Mary a spoiled Daddy's girl?
*Was Mary a prostitute, and did she have a pimp?
*Why not a cat, dog, goldfish, hamster, pony, or rabbit?
*Why a lamb?
*Did she give birth to a baby lamb?
*Isn't it an amazing medical miracle when young girls can have lambs instead of
human babies?
*What was the color of the lamb: Black or White?
*Was it a racist lamb?
*Did Mary check underneath to see what the sex of the lamb was?
*Who was Mary's doctor and/or veternarian?
*Did Mary have the lamb spayed or neutered afterwards, as Bob Barker reminds us
on "The Price is Right"?
*Did Mary go on the "Montel Williams Show" and ask Psychic Sylvia Browne what
she was going to have?
*Who's the daddy?
*Didn't we see the lamb on "M*A*S*H" years ago?
*Was Radar O' Reilly the father?
*If not, will Mary go on the "Maury Povich Show" to find out who the daddy is?
*Could Mary draw food stamps?
*Could Mary get child, or lamb support?
*Could Mary go on welfare?
*Can Mary use the lamb as an income tax deduction and name it as a dependant?
*Does the lamb have a name, such as Charles, Arthur, or it it called "Hey You!"?
*Did Mary give birth to the lamb by vaginal birth or C-section?
*Does Mary breast-feed or give the lamb a bottle?

ITS FLEECE WAS WHITE AS SNOW:
*Does the lamb get a bubble bath every day?
*Does it have dandruff?
*Does Mary use Johnson's Lamb Shampoo? Pantene? Tresemee'? Head-and-Shoulders?
*Does the lambhave all of its tags?
*Does it have all of its rabies shots?
*In the worst case scenerio, does Mary use Clorox bleach on the lamb to make its
coat whiter?

AND EVERYWHERE THAT MARY WENT, THE LAMB WAS SURE TO GO:
*Does Mary walk the lamb on a leash?
*Did Mary leash-train the lamb?
*Does Mary take a bag and a scoop to pick up lamb poop when she takes the lamb
for a walk?
*Does the lamb sit at the same table with Mary?
*Does Mary feed the lamb Purina Lamb Chow, as long as it doesn't have
lamb-and-rice in it?
*Does Mary give the lamb scraps of food that she won't eat?
*Does the lamb sleep in the same bed with Mary?
*Does the lamb have wooly dreams?
*Do Mary and the lamb share the same bathroom, if not the same shower?
*Is the lamb trained to keep burglars out of the house?

IT FOLLOWED HER TO SCHOOL ONE DAY:
*Did Mary forget to lock the lamb in its pen?
*Did Mary run late that day?
*Did Mary have one helluva night last evening with her pimp?
*What kind of school was it?
*Was it an elementary, middle, or high school?
*Was it a public, private, or catholic school?
*Could it have been a reform school?
*Was the lamb turned on by Mary's perfume?

WHICH WAS AGAINST THE RULE:
*Could it have been because Mary had her I-pod on, groovin' to the music that
she downloaded off her
computer that she forgot about the lamb, and left in a hurry?
*Was Mary a renegade? A problem child? A valley girl?

IT MADE THE CHILDREN LAUGH AND PLAY, TO SEE A LAMB AT SCHOOL:
*Mary was a very stubborn girl. Took after her mother, don't you think?
*If you told Mary "no", she would shrug her shoulders, smirk, and say
"whatever", and would still do what she
wanted.
*But, what if Mary did bring the lamb to school, in school? What if the
Principal confiscated Mary's beloved pet,
and the next day, on the school menu, they served lamb chops and leg-of-lamb?

There was, many years ago, a Louisville radio personality that changed the
wording somewhat, and it did
stick in my mind. His take on it was as follows:
Mary had a little lamb,
I had pig knuckles.
Mary walked out of the restaurant,
And left me paying the bill.

Now then, there's one final question:
*Isn't it a fact that I spend way too much time in front of my computer, making
this stuff up?

COMING NEXT WEEK:
If you did not like this one either, you sure ain't going to like what I do to
:Old MacDonald had A Farm".

DISCLAIMER:The views, comments, and questions expressed are those of the Goober
News Press, and do not
reflect the views comments, and questions of Mary, her lamb, and the Lamb
Family, who plan to take us to
court for slaughtering such a hit nursery rhyme as we done, and making school
time a lot more interesting,
since there are things about Mary that she did not want you to know, but hey!
Inquiring minds want to know.

DISCLAIMER 2:The Goober News Press invites all curious to send this to all your
friends. This aslo makes a
great piece to use at:
*Bar Mitzvahs
*Visitation at a funeral home, or even at a funeral service
*In church when the sermon is bor-ing!
*At a Tupperware, or Avon Party
*Yes, in school, when you child needs to break the ice and get some laughs, but
be warned that your so-called
"A" student may get an "F-" if you send this with him or her to school, at which
point we'll deny that we ever
wrote this garbage.

2006, the Goober News Press