What If

I was lying in my bed and thinking Do I really have to do this shit? Do I really have to live this life? Do I really have to let you leave? And when you do leave I know it’s not forever And I know it won’t last as long as we pretend. But when you do move will I change? And will you change? And will we change together or apart? Will we learn what we knew to begin with things would work? That you'll come back, and we'll be just like we are now, except when you come back, I'll have a place for us and it'll be like you never left... or will things not work and one of us will meet someone new, or you'll decide to stay there, and not come back... But I know things will work Things WILL work They have to Because if they don’t.... Well I didn’t make a plan for that What if things DON’T work? What if it turns out you were wrong and I was wronger? What if it turns out those pessimistic assholes reign supr7eme again? Will I break down and cry? Or maybe I’ll just wave it off, like it’s happened a million times before It has, after all... It never works If it had ever worked, then I wouldn’t be laying here right now having these thoughts And I certainly wouldn’t be having these thoughts about you So what if things don’t work? I can handle it, right? Or will I run to the kitchen to find nearest, sharpest, longest, dirtiest, most hateful knife that I can find And jab it through my heart, my neck, my wrists, my legs, my soul? Of course not, I’m not the overdramatic, superficial, good life/bad life drama person That’s next door, you imbecile I’ll cry I’ll cry alone, in my new house in my bed, in my closet, where I can hide because those are places where only you would be And you won’t be there then Cos things will have not worked out And I’ll curse everything that can be cursed And I won’t forget to curse you Because you loved me, and that’s a worse crime than hating me And I’ll tell you I love you and I need you and I’ll do anything to get you back But I won’t I’ll just cry and curse and bitch and whine that it’s not fair Well it’s not fair, is it? Of course not Were it fair I wouldn’t be thinking these thoughts I would have fallen asleep hours ago And would still be there now Were it fair the possibility of things not working out would not exist And I wouldn’t be thinking these thoughts I would have fallen asleep hours ago And would still be there now Were it fair I never would have fallen in love with you in the first place And the possibility of things not working out would not exist And I wouldn’t be thinking these thoughts I would have fallen asleep hours ago And would still be there now Were it fair you and I would not have been born to begin with And I never would have fallen in love with you in the first place And the possibility of things not working out would not exist And I wouldn’t be thinking these thoughts I would have fallen asleep hours ago And would still be there now But we were and I did and it does and I am and I didn’t and I’m not So screw me, shoot me, sue me, fuck me Who cares? That’s life, and it’s not fair, but it’s all we have So what if things don’t work out? They probably will and I’ll probably figure out I am just thinking the worst and I won't have to cry and curse and whine I’ll get over it I'm sure, I'm just worried about us nowadays, knowing that you are moving in the very near future And wondering what if things don’t work out? They’re working fine now and right now Is enough for me So I’ve no need to cry or curse or whine So I won’t I’ll just sleep, if I can sleep And if I can’t I’ll think about what will happen if it Doesn’t work out