Old Mac Donald

BEFORE YOU BEGIN:
If you did not like the review of "Little Miss Muffet", and you did not like the
review of "Mary Had A Little Lamb",
then we got another one that you won't like.




"OLD MAC DONALD HAD A FARM"
A review(and then some)
By Don Rathernott
Reporter and avid Nursery-Rhyme Correspondant for the GNP(Goober News Press)

If you remember the good old days of school, when you were in Kndegarten or the
first grade, you were taught
a song, and a nursery rhyme, called "Old Mac Donald Had A Farm".
Back then you just sang it, but today, if you were back in school, and you were
taught the song all over again,
you could frazzle your teacher when she seen your hand go up, interrupting the
song, line by line, and asking
the following questions. Let's break it down, line by line, shall we?

OLD MAC DONALD:
*What was his real name?
*Could it be "Mack Donald"?
*Could his nickname been "Big Mac"?
*Was he: Single? Married? Swinger? Wife-swapper?
*Was Old Mac Donald a young buff stud or balding fat man?
*Did he exercise a lot?
*Did he practice bigamy?
*Does he have a mistress on the sly?
*Does he wear glasses or contacts?
*Did he have cataract surgery by Bennett and Bloom or Dr. Brad Black?
*Does he wear dentures, partials, or has his natural teeth?
*Is he a early riser or late sleeper?
*Does he go to bed at sundown or party all night?
*Could Old Mac Donald be gay?
*Could he be a cross-dresser?
*Could he secretly have been a woman at first, then got a sex-change operation?
*Does he have a secret harem and thinks he is a shiek?

HAD A FARM:
*What city or town was it in?
*Was it in the county seat?
*Was the farm close to town or in the boonies?
*Was the farm on a 2-lane highway, paved county road, or gravel road?
*Was it a brick or vinyl-sided home?
*Was it a single-story ranch or 2-story mansion?
*Did it have a finished or unfinished basement?
*How many bedrooms did it have?
*Did it have a bathroom or an outhouse?
*Did it have a 1-,2-, or multicar garage?
*Did it have central air conditioning?
*Did it have natural or bottle gas?
*Did he use a wood burning stove to keep warm?
*Did he have electricity?
*Did it come from Cinergy or Louisville Gas and Electric?
*Did he use kerosene lamps?
*Was the water city or well water?
*Were there sewer lines or a septic tank?
*How many acres were on the farm?
"Was Old Mac Donald a member of the Farm Bureau?
*Did he hire help or struck out on his own?
*Does he know the words to the "Green Acres" Theme Song?
*Did Mr. Haney sell him the farm?
*Was Mr. Hank Kimball his county agent?
*Was Eb his hired hand?
*Did Alf and Ralph Monroe help build the farm?
*Did he live near the Hatfields, the McCoys, the Ziffels, or the Clampetts?
*Was the barn painted red?
*Does it have a "Chew Mail Pouch Tobacco" ad painted on the barn?
*Does he have a Tuff-Shed"?
*Could Old Mac Donald have lived in Mayberry?
*Was Andy Taylor the sheriff and Barney Fife the deputy?
*Any trees on the farm?
*Does he own a car or truck?
*If he has a truck, is it a pickup, 4-wheel-drive, or SUV?
*Is it a Chevrolet, Dodge, Ford, or Toyota?
*Did he have a tractor?
*Was it a Case, International Harvester, Massey-Furgeson, John Deere, or Kubota?
*Did he ever enter any truck or tractor pulls?
*Did he have any other farm equipment?
*Did the farm have a wooden, chain-link, or barbed-wire fence?
*Was it an electric fence?
*How and where does Old Mac Donald get his money?
*Is he retired and draws a pension?
*Does he give to charity, suchas the Red Cross or United Way?
*Was he at one time a Future Farmer of America?
*Did Old Mac Donald have any other occupations?
*Did he secretly have a brothel on the farm?
*Did he work a 1st, 2nd, or 3rd shift?
*Does he shop at Wal*Mart, KMart, Target, Sears, Home Depot, Lowe's or Tractor
Supply?
*Does he take vacations?
*Does Old Mac Donald have a winter home in Florida?
*Did he switch to Daylight Time in April, or did he observe year-round Standard
Time?
*Heaven forbid, did he also have tucked away in the woods a log cabin, mobile
home, or modular home?
*Were there any shopping centers or a mall nearby?
*Were there any schools or churches nearby?
*Did he go to church?
*Was he a saint or sinner?
*Did he buy American or foreign-made products?
*Was there a VFW, Moose, or Elks Club Lodge?
*Were there any Bingo Halls or Adult Entertainment Places?
*Does Old Mac Donald go to the movies or rents DVD's?
*Does he go square dancing?
*Does he play the lottery?
*Does he go to the boat(Caeser's or Belterra)?
*Does Old Mac Donald's farm have a telephone or cell phone?
*Does the farm have a Personal Computer, Cable TV or Sattelite dish?
*Does he watch professional wrestling?
*Does he watch Jerry Springer and/or listen to Rush Limbaugh?
*Does he read the newspaper or subscribe to the Goober News Press?
*Does he like to listen to country music, since he lives in the country, or does
he like rock, jazz, easy-listening,
classical, or heavy metal?

E-I-E-I-O:
*Did Vanna White live there and give him the vowels E,I, and O, since Pat Sajak
kept the A and U, and all the
consonants from "Wheel of Fortune"?

AND ON HIS FARM HE HAD A: COW
*Were they milk cows, slaughter, or feeder cows?
*Brown cows, Gurnseys, Holsteins, Steers, Heifers, Jerseys, or Bulls?
*Did cows eat in green pastures or were there wild onions in those pastures?
*Did the milk taste like wild onions?
*Did he use machines to milk his cows, or did he use his cold, cold hands?
*Was the milk white, 2%lowfat, skim, buttermilk, or chocolate milk?
*Could it have been Carnation or Milnot evaporated milk?
*Was it Pasteurized?
PIGS:
*Were they slaughter or good-old slop-in-the-mud porkers?
*Did Old Mac Donald always have ham and bacon on the table?
CHICKENS:
*Were they all hens?
*Were there any roosters?
*Did they lay eggs or refuse to for not geting union pay?
*Did he sell his chickens to Tyson Foods of Kentucky Fried Chicken?
*Did he stage illegal cock fights on his farm?
DUCKS:
*Were they Mallards or Drakes?
*Were they tame or wild?
*Were they real quack-ups?
*Did any of them get roasted?
*Were any of them Daffy?
TURKEYS:
*Were they Toms or hens?
*Did he have plenty to be thankful for on Thanksgiving Day?
*Did Old Mac Donald invite the Pilgrims and Indians?
SHEEP:
*Were they black or white?
*Were they racist sheep?
*Did they have wooly dreams?
GEESE:
*Were they white geese or Canadian Honkers?
*Did they pinch Old Mac Donald when they approached him?
GOATS:
*Milk goats? Billys, Nannys, Horned goats?
*Did the gouge Old Mac Donald in the butt?
*Did Old Mac Donald not have any mules?
*No Jacks, no Jennys, note even the donkey from "Shrek"?
*Did he forget to get any or did he make an ass out of himself?
*Were there any mice, termites, spiders, snakes, possums, or skunks on the farm?
*Did he have bats?
*If so, were they Louisville Slugger bats?
*Did Old Mac Donald have any caves?
*Did he fantasize that he was Batman?
*Did he have a Batgirl or a Robin?
*Did Old Mac Donald have any cats:Pusses, Toms, Kentucky Wildcats?
*Did he have a dog named Blue, and helped him search for clues?
*Does he go deer hunting?
*Is Old Mac Donald a member of the National Rifle Association?
*Does he keep firearms on his farm:shotguns, rifles, handguns, AK-47's, tazers?
*Is his freezer full of beef, poultry, pork, and deer meat from the animals that
he slaughtered or killed?
OLD MAC DONALD'S CROPS:
*Did he grow Kentucky Burley tobacco?
*Does he smoke:cigarettes, cigars, pipe, marijuana, or pot?
*Did he ever consider raising soybeans?
CORN:
*Field corn for his cattle, sweet corn for himself, or popcorn?
*If Old Mac Donald grew popcorn, was Cousin Wille his cousin and Orville
Redenbacher hus uncle?
BEANS:
*Pole, bush, lima, green, red kidney, wax beans, and/or shellouts?
TOMATOES:
*Red, yellow, hydroponic, or hothouse?
POTATOES:
*Red, white, or Idaho Bakers?
PEAS:
*Early June, sweet, or sugar-snap?
*Did Old Mac Donald ever grow carrots, squash, radishes, or turnips?
*Did he consider growing any organic foods?
APPLE TREES:
*Red delicious, yellow delicious, Granny Smith, or gala?
*Did he have any peach or pear trees?
GRAPES:
*Red, blue, white seedless, or Concord?
*Did Old Mac Donald get into a jam when the animals ate them?
*Was Old Mac Donald a wino?
*Does he drink:Soft drinks(Coke or Pepsi), beer(Budwiser, Miller, Lite,
Coors);whiskey(Jack Daniels,Early Times,
Old Crow); moonshine?
*Does he have a fish pond?
*Are there fish in it?
*Does he use the pond for fishing, swimming, or skinny-dipping?
*Does Old Mac Donald use enviormentally-friendly chemicals to control insects,
or does he take a "You eat my
crops, you die!" attitude and poisons the earth?
*Are there any weeds on the farm(poison ivy, poison oak, poison sumac)?
*What type of grass does the farm have:fescue, rye, Kentcky bluegrass, orchard
grass, or plain ol' tall grass?
*Is his credit report so bad that he maxxed out his credit cards to buy all the
feed and seed for his farm and
repair his equipmant?
*Does Old Mac Donald use fertilizer or wastes that comes from his animals?
*Has Old Mac Donald ever been audited by the I.R.S., ever file taxes, got a
refund, or owed money?

YES, OLD MAC DONALD HAD A FARM E-I-E-I-O:
*Is he the owner and founder of, or does he work for McDonald's?
*Is Mr.Rogers his neighbor?
*Has Elvis ever been spotted on Old Mac Donald's farm?
*Are the "Desperate Housewives" shacked up with him?
*Does he take Viagra?
*Does he think that he has a huge wad in his pants to impress the ladies?
*Does he have an enlarged prostrate?
*Was he a redneck and Jeff Foxworthy is his daddy?
*Was Old Mac Donald ever been in the military:Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines?
*Could he be hiding Osama Bin Laden on his farm?
*Does he have his own website(www.oldmacdonald.com)?
*Was he a devoted Colts or Bengals fan?
*Did he support Indiana University, University of Louisville of University of
Kentucky football/basketball?
*Does Old Mac Donald hold Texas Hold 'em tournaments on the farm?
*Does he secretly holds Victoria's Secret, Tupperware, or Avon Parties on the
farm?


Well, we had to find out the answers to all of these questions, so we swent out
to pay him a visit, and when we
got there, we discovered a verse that was left out, until now. It goes like
this:
Old Mac Donald had a farm,
E-I-E-I-O,
And on his farm there were some pit bulls,
E-I-E-I-O.
With a bark! bark! here,
And a growl! growl there!
Here a bark!
There a growl!
Everywhere a bite! bite!
Old Mac Donald had a farm
E-I-E-I-O!

DISCLAIMER: The views an comments expressed here are the views and comments of
the Goober News Press.
The main objective here was to see how far we could push the envelope, and boy,
did we ever do so!

DISCLAIMER 2:The Goober News Press encourages you to pass this along to all that
you want to. You may even
want to print copies of this to give to your children or great-grandchildren to
take to school and ask their teacher
if they could stage a school assembly usuing this text. Be warned, however, that
if they do so, they do this at
their own risk, and if the teacher, pricipal, or superintendant lets them stage
this assembly, and they ask the child
who wrote this, they should refer to the following people to lay the blame on:
*Charles Manson
*Marilyn Manson
*Ronnie Daniels
*Saddam Hussein
*Michael Jackson
*Better still, refer to Satan, because:
THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT!!!

2006, the Goober News Press