A Goober News Press Presentation

"LITTLE MISS MUFFET"
A review(and then some) by Benny Chicken
Noted Children's Author for the GNP(Goober News Press)

Years ago, before this aspiring young man ever got his hands upon a computer, he
done something that no
sane man or beast would ever do. When he done this, he even had the nerve to put
his thoughts down, not
only in paper, but on videotape, on the nursery rhyme that I'm sure you, your
children, your grandchildren,
your great-grandchildren, your great-great grandchildren, your
great-great-great(OKAY! WE GET THE IDEA!)
Well, anyway, the nursery rhyme is "Little Miss Muffet".

You know how it goes:

Little Miss Muffet,
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds-and-whey.

When down came a spider,
And sat down beside her,
And frightened Miss Muffet away!

All right, let's just break this bad boy down line by line, shall we?

LITTLE MISS MUFFET:
*What was her first name? Was it Mary, Sally, Molly, Beatrice?
*Was she a little girl, a young woman, or a four-alarm, two-hoots-and-a-hollar
hottie with a figure that would
make a Hooters' girl look like a girl scout?
*Was she an old hag with a face that would stop a clock, and scare a spider off?
*Was she a Republican or Democrat?
*Was she a blonde, brunette, or redhead?
*Was she single, married, divorced, lesbian?
HEY, WE NEED TO KNOW!

SAT ON A TUFFET:
*The definition of "tuffet" is stoop.
*Why didn't she sit on a grassy knoll?
*Why didn't she bring a blanket along with her to sit on the grass?
*Couldn't she have sat on a rotten old log?
*Would it have mattered if she sat on the railroad tracks?
*Couldn't she have sat on a park bench?
NO! SHE SAT ON A TUFFET(A STOOP)!

EATING HER CURDS AND WHEY:
*We found out that "curds-and-whey" is another name for cottage cheese.
*Was it small-curd or large-curd?
*Was it regular or fat-free?
*Where did she get the "curds-and-whey"? At Kroger? At Meijer's? At Biggs? At
Wal*Mart?
*Where did she get the money to buy this awful stuff?
*Was she cautious of the nutritional value?(one cup of curds-and-whey has 220
calories, 90 are fat calories,
where the low fat has just 180 calories)
*Wouldn't have been better if she had an ice cream cone instead?
*Couldn't she had something else that was nutritious and better for her figure?
NO! sHE WAS EATING HER CURDS AND WHEY!

WHEN DOWN CAME A SPIDER!
*What kind of spider was it? Was it a garden spider? Was it a black widow
spider? Was it a brown recluse?
Heavens, was it a tarantula?
*Did it already spin a web right about where Miss Muffet was going to sit?
*Did the spider have a name?
*What religious background did the spider have?
*What motivated him to choose Miss Muffet as his target?
HEY, THESE THINGS ARE IMPORTANT, PEOPLE!

AND SAT DOWN BESIDE HER:
*Okay, something motivated this spider to perform such action!
*Could it have been that Miss Muffet wore a short, short skirt, and the spider
knew this when he spotted her?
*Did she wear a long gown to where he could sneak up in her clothes and create
one of those "Depends"
moments?
*Could Miss Muffet have given the spider the "come-on", and he took advantage of
the situation?
NO! READ THE LAST LINE!

AND FRIGHTENED MISS MUFFET AWAY!
*The alternate to this nursery rhyme could have been that Miss Muffet could have
done the following:
A. If she was an ugly old hag, she could have made a horrible face, yelled
"Hello!" or shouted "Boo!"
and scare the spider away.
OR. . .
B.She could have stepped on the spider, squashed that poor mother in the
ground where it would never
see the light of day ever again!
BETTER STILL. . .
C.If there were cell phones back then, she could have called the Orkin Man!

Well, there's our take on this nursery rhyme, and if you didn't like that one,
watch your e-mail later on in the
week when we butcher "Mary Had A Little Lamb". You won't like that one either!

DISCLAIMER: The views expressed in this story are those of the Goober News
Press, and surely not by some
practically sane individual.

DISCLAIMER 2: The Goober News Press gives you permission to send this to all
that you want to share in this
delightful parody. It would make a great conversation
piece to use at a:
a. Bar Mitzvah
b. Funeral Home during visitation.
c. Sermon at church when the actual sermon is a
stinker.
d. Tupperware Party
e. Water cooler break
But, for heaven's sake, don't let your children recite this at school, because,
if you let them do it, they might
get sent to the Principal's office, and when they tell the Principal where they
got this, and they will tell, then
the Goober News Press will deny to the hilt that this was ever printed!
Oh, by the way, no spiders were harmed in the making of this story.

2006, the Goober News Press