letting down these walls

Not many people know this of me ...
and some people probably wouldn't believe it,
but I'm actually very shy.
It's not easy for me to put myself out there.
It's especially not easy for me to say to someone,
"I like you" ... rejection can be a hurtful thing.

When I was a child ... erm ... a younger child,
I was always picked last for teams.
I was always chubby.
Because I was an outcast, I actually studied.
Then I became the target of teasing
because I was smart ... teacher's pet,
blah, blah,blah. I was never part of the "in crowd" ...
never hip, slick or cool.

Later in life it became impossible for me
to open myself up to anyone
... ANYONE ... for any reason.
If I don't let you know that I like you
or care about you,
then you can't hurt me.
That's total BS
but denial has long been my forte.

Now in my adult life,
I've become fatally hip
and terminally cool.
People like hanging around me ...
even though, I don't give a crap about them.
It was peculiar that I could do drugs
with people I didn't know
or knew and didn't like,
have sex with strangers
-- etc. blah, blah, blah
and yet to do anything
with anyone I cared about,
liked or admired
was nearly impossible for me.
There have been few relationships
where I have told anyone that
I loved them and would do anything for them.
I've only said that in a romantic relationship once
and only a few times to friends.
It has come hard for me ...
to let the walls down.
It was in the not too distant past
that someone shut me out of their life
for reasons unknown to me.
We had been close, I thought.
It has tortured me for many long nights.

I can tell anyone anything about my life
(obviously from the paragraph above).
I dont' have any problem revealing aspects of my life.
However, precious few know not only
what I've done but how I truly feel.
There are people I openly admire
but that took a lot of stepping out
into unfamiliar territory .
.. scary stuff for me.

The bottom line is,
that I'm always surprised
when someone likes me ...
really likes me,
even after they know my dark past.
More suprising is when
I put myself out there
and admit I have
any degree of affection for someone.

However like I said in the not so distant past
this year is all about no longer hiding.
It's about being open, being me.
So I'm going to tell a certain someone
what I feel about them.
All I have to remember is that
I'm not the only one who is shy ...
not the only one who has trouble opening up.
So if someone doesn't reciprocate, it's okay.
My door is open ... my mind is open ...
my heart is open ... come and get it.