I...

I think I spend
by far too much time
thinking about things
I should not be,
and neglecting living life
as it should be.
It struck me in a moment today
as I sat at work
that “living life”
means to live in the NOW
and not in the THEN.
And while I know
what I need to do
to move from Then to Now,
I cannot seem to be able
to take that first step.

I thought that by accepting life as it is,
Fate might finally be conned
into believing It has beaten me
and decide to give me a break instead.
It occurred to me today
that there may be a lot of things
that is within my power to change,
but Fate is not one of them.
And that I will continue to be
one of its toys, stuffed in its pocket
where it will take me out
to fiddle around with, when it feels like.

I won the respect of people
all just by being myself –
honest, affirmative,
accepting and giving.
Yet, today all those things
don’t mean very much to me
cos the prize that I seek
still eludes me.
And day in, day out…
I fight another battle..
hoping that for once,
the announcer would finally say
that I won that one.

I lost sight of my goal,
the objective which I had
settled on obtaining for the year,
the first half of the year.
Lost it absolutely and utterly,
even after knocking my head
hard to drum it in.
And today, I realize that soon,
I’m likely to be losing my sanity
and hold of life yet again.

There is chaos in this roller-coaster ride.
But unlike the amusement game,
I did not engineer this track.
And so, I do not know when
the highs will drop
and where the twists are.

I think… I thought…
I won… I lost… *Sigh*

Please Sir, I’ve had enough of this ride.
I wanna get off before I have
enough and release the safety bar myself.
But until that happens, I’ll just hang on..
for just a lil bit more…
For the highs have so far
been much better than the lows.