I have just finished reading an email I got from E.
I know, all that it could possibly be
is a hotbed of pain for me. But I just had to read it.

Faced with the same choices in my life all over again,
I shudder at the thought that I would
gladly make them all over again.
Except for one. The one to end things.

But it is moot. It is startlingly painful to learn
that I have been nothing, in reality.
That these past few months I shared with E
were nothing more than just a cover up
for how he really felt for someone else.
And for the third time in my life,
I have been played for a fool. It's amazing really.
That I could so willingly give myself over to someone
whom I thought had sincere feelings and intentions for me.
And I'd do it again, which is even scarier.

Simply because I believe in giving Love a chance.
No matter how slim or remote that chance seems to be.
It saddens me to think that there are
not many others who feel the same way.
Or would readily admit to being such idealists.
I feel no shame in bearing my true colours in that respect.
After all "Just me is all I am"

But to have such a chance for happiness
been twisted into nothing more than
a cover up for what was really going on?
To have all of the sincerity and pain,
the sacrifices and genuine concern,
all reduced to nothing more than
mere psychological ploys to live out a lie?

To say that I am hurt is an understatement.
I have been so completely misled.
So completely fooled and tricked into thinking I mattered.
It would explain all the hesitation.
The reluctance to meet up.
The obvious 'distance' that communicated itself
through every touch that we shared, be it intimate or public.
It would explain all the break up attempts,
and all the attempts at stealing the limelight, and grandstanding.

I was no Prince. I was no unrivalled Love. I was no Sunshine.
Nor was I a Mind Reader, or a Teacher, or Soulmate.
I was, and still am, Nothing.
I was Nothing when I first talked to him
on the 30th of November, 2006.
I was Nothing when we supposedly got Together on the 1st of April.
And throughout all those attempts at breakups and splits,
till the day I finally caved and collapsed in on myself...

I was Nothing. Because there was always someone else.

Congratulations, E. You've won.
You have your final, complete and total victory over me.

I have lost. Yet part of me will still love you,
and forgive you for all of this.
That's what Love, is, E.
Unconditional, Unbridled, Unbidden Love.
And you never had it better than from me.
And never will.