Wildcard

so today I did something I probably shouldn't have done... I spent money on a new phone. However I'm very excited about it. It's the kind of phone I've wanted for awhile now, and though it's prepaid... they offer monthly plans, and will actually in the long run be cheaper than my cricket phone was. So it's all good. If anyone doesn't have my new number yet, check out my my space, or leave a comment and I'll email it to you.

Thanks

I believe that all crying does is give you
a red nose, swollen eyes and a headache.
So I don’t often cry with abandon.
I look like a crumpled ape if I do – hardly endearing.

So, I have been not crying for six weeks.
Actively not crying in between
the little leaking sessions
I have been unable to avoid.
Seems the tears were building anyway.
Cos last night I cried!
I sobbed and schnuffed
and gasped and breathed
like a pig through my blocked nose.
And all over the phone to Jon
who just kept asking if I was okay
and then telling me I was silly for thinking
I meant nothing and was pointless.
But he let me cry and not for a moment
did I feel like it mattered.

And today I feel so much better.
For the first time in ages
I can’t feel tears lurking below the surface
waiting for any excuse to pop out
and turn my face red.
Seems I needed a jolly good cry after all.
And I think it worked only cos
he doesn’t have to love me and accept me
the way my long term friends
who are actually family do.
But he did anyway.

Thanks Jon

Gang Of Emotions

Why do irritable, emotional and insecure
always hang out together?
As if any one of them is not bad enough to feel.

There seems to be a conspiracy of emotions –
I can see the little buggers making a truce
about never appearing out in public alone.
They truly understand the idea that
combined they are greater than the sum of their parts.
Little bastards.

And they seem to wait and lurk until
I don’t have the emotional resources
to deal with them individually,
never mind as a pack.
I’m tired. I’m in pain.
I’m trying hard not to have
a random person matter.
I’m disillusioned by a friend.
Clearly I am strong enough right now
to be tripled whammied by
irritable, emotional and insecure.
Thanks guys!!!!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!

A someone, or anyone

I’m not someone to him – I’m just one of some.

And tonight it was so obvious
not even I can paper over the evidence.

I’m not no one to him – I’m just not someone

And he is so someone to me

And that’s sad but survivable

Now I just have to treat him
like anyone rather than someone
until he becomes just that – anyone

Cos anyone who doesn’t think I’m someone
doesn’t deserve to be more than anyone in my life

apparently i do matter

After writing the ‘I don’t matter’ blog a little while ago, it seems as though the universe conspired to make me realise that I do in fact matter.

I have just finished reading an email I got from E.
I know, all that it could possibly be
is a hotbed of pain for me. But I just had to read it.

Faced with the same choices in my life all over again,
I shudder at the thought that I would
gladly make them all over again.
Except for one. The one to end things.

But it is moot. It is startlingly painful to learn
that I have been nothing, in reality.
That these past few months I shared with E
were nothing more than just a cover up
for how he really felt for someone else.
And for the third time in my life,
I have been played for a fool. It's amazing really.
That I could so willingly give myself over to someone
whom I thought had sincere feelings and intentions for me.
And I'd do it again, which is even scarier.

Simply because I believe in giving Love a chance.
No matter how slim or remote that chance seems to be.
It saddens me to think that there are
not many others who feel the same way.
Or would readily admit to being such idealists.
I feel no shame in bearing my true colours in that respect.
After all "Just me is all I am"

But to have such a chance for happiness
been twisted into nothing more than
a cover up for what was really going on?
To have all of the sincerity and pain,
the sacrifices and genuine concern,
all reduced to nothing more than
mere psychological ploys to live out a lie?

To say that I am hurt is an understatement.
I have been so completely misled.
So completely fooled and tricked into thinking I mattered.
It would explain all the hesitation.
The reluctance to meet up.
The obvious 'distance' that communicated itself
through every touch that we shared, be it intimate or public.
It would explain all the break up attempts,
and all the attempts at stealing the limelight, and grandstanding.

I was no Prince. I was no unrivalled Love. I was no Sunshine.
Nor was I a Mind Reader, or a Teacher, or Soulmate.
I was, and still am, Nothing.
I was Nothing when I first talked to him
on the 30th of November, 2006.
I was Nothing when we supposedly got Together on the 1st of April.
And throughout all those attempts at breakups and splits,
till the day I finally caved and collapsed in on myself...

I was Nothing. Because there was always someone else.

Congratulations, E. You've won.
You have your final, complete and total victory over me.

I have lost. Yet part of me will still love you,
and forgive you for all of this.
That's what Love, is, E.
Unconditional, Unbridled, Unbidden Love.
And you never had it better than from me.
And never will.

Spinning Out Of Control

I would like to say
I found my 'voice' last night
and unleashed the devil within.
But I'm not proud. In fact,
I still feel like I'm only 2 inches' tall.

So.Not.Good.

I'm like a freakin tornado,
spining out of control,
growing more powerful
with every touch-down.
I should lock myself up
at times like these,
shut everything off
and just disappear.

I know at least one person
who would be grateful
if I did just that today.
Alas, turn back time, we can't.

One can only hope that
this too, shall pass.. SOON!
Before more innocents lose their lives!

My World

My name is Chris Campbell.
I live in Sellersburg Indiana.
I have a best friend -
- at least I used to.
I have a boyfriend -
- at least I used to.
Sellersburg is just a place
somewhere in the world.
Maybe it's a lot like your world,
maybe it's nothing like it.
But if you look closer,
you might see someone like you.
Someone trying to find their way.
Someone trying to find their place.
Someone trying to find their self.
Sometimes it seems like
you are the only one in the world
who's struggling, who's frustrated,
or unsatisfied, or barely getting by.
But that feeling's a lie.
And if you just hold on,
just find the courage
to face it all for another day,
someone or something
will find you and make it all okay.
Because we all need
a little help sometimes.
Someone to help us hear
the music in the world,
to remind us that
it won't always be this way.
That someone is out there.
And that someone will find you.

Vin-di-cate

One has to be warned at this point that this is a rant, an unleashing of anger so deep, dark and twisted, words are going to be spat out like a machine-gun. And with bullets, it is going to tear apart and draw blood, at the guilty and the innocent.

Hope
dangles on a string
like slow-spinning redemption
winding in and winding out
the shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in,
so mesmerizing,
so hypnotizing,
I am captivated

For anger, like hope, is a very captivating and mesmerizing emotion and it feeds on itself like oxygen to fire. No amount of alcohol has taken it out of me. It has only added to it.

To clear of accusation, blame, suspicion, or doubt
with supporting arguments or proof

I wrote earlier “Oh the fool who thinks that Chris Campbell does not possess any intellect or common sense.” Apparently a number of people seem to think that of me, I have come to realize. Correction – I have realized it all this while but have been fooling myself into thinking that I am not being fair, just and objective.

So clear
like the diamond in your ring
cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
the shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me
so isolated,
so motivated,
I am certain now that I am

To provide justification or support for

And since we’re on the path of being honest and confessions and what have you not, let’s just throw in the 2 things I hate most in life – 1) Being pushed into corners and 2) being made to feel as though I am an obligation. Call me Mr Hyper-sensitive. I don’t really give a fuck right now.

And I have just been made to feel that. AND I am sick of it – sick, Sick, SICK! Let me illustrate – ask me why I don’t see my ex anymore. It’s because 1) he only has time for me when his ex wife is not around, and 2) when that happens, I have a lil timer ticking away until the buzzer goes for time when she finishes work or comes home.

To justify or prove the worth of, especially in light of later developments.

And so, for fuck’s sake – don’t freaking spend time with me if my company is only worth 60 minutes or 90 minutes of your fucking time. Please – if it is only worth that much, just leave me alone totally cos there’s a long line of people who place no time limits on my company.

So tie up
the corners of your lips
part them and feel my fingertips
trace the moment fall forever
Defense is paper-thin,
just one touch and I'll be in too
Deep now to ever swim
against the current
So let me slip away

To defend, maintain, or insist on the recognition of

Like I said earlier – I’m just sick of the way things are right now. And yes – Jon– you told me so. And yes, for once I am agreeing with you whole-heartedly.

And it doesn’t really matter right now that it’s probably me against the rest of the world. So what if I danced to my own tune, or live by my own set of definitions and rules? Which by the by would include the definition of important. Cos Important doesn’t mean giving me your time of day when you have nothing else better to do, or when your ex wife leaves you heaving on the bathroom floor. Important is freaking trekking thru 4 fucking crowded shopping malls to find the right gift. Important is fucking leaving work, stopping at 2 pharmacies and then driving the same distance to your apartment and back to work just so you fucking have your medication and get better soon (which is by the way the infamous FIB of not being where I was suppose to be.) Important is feeling pain when you feel pain.

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right - I swear I'm right
swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
the things you swore you saw yourself

To exact revenge for; avenge

Like I said before – this posting is going to draw blood. For I am done bleeding by myself – done, Done, DONE.

No one – NO ONE should have the power to bring me to my knees in anger or in anguish. NO ONE should have the power to twist my arm and make me sit by the curb, pondering over my future. NO ONE should have the power to make me feel inadequate and flawed.

Not the ex-married guy. Not the Italian Dude.
Not even the boy I would go to the ends of the earth for.

I’m vindicating myself. I’m laying the blame on someone else’s door, FOR ONCE. Like it was said before - Ain't gonna let what happened before, happen again. No way.

And with that, I am spent. I am emptied and I am tired. And I have cut the string and flying loose. I am sad but I will FOR ONCE not let that sadness overcome me.

I feel and see MY OWN worth now. Tis a pity the rest of the world never did before I had to pull the trigger.

Goodnight world. I hope you feel as liberated as I do...

Like Hope
dangles on a string
a slow-spinning redemption

I...

I think I spend
by far too much time
thinking about things
I should not be,
and neglecting living life
as it should be.
It struck me in a moment today
as I sat at work
that “living life”
means to live in the NOW
and not in the THEN.
And while I know
what I need to do
to move from Then to Now,
I cannot seem to be able
to take that first step.

I thought that by accepting life as it is,
Fate might finally be conned
into believing It has beaten me
and decide to give me a break instead.
It occurred to me today
that there may be a lot of things
that is within my power to change,
but Fate is not one of them.
And that I will continue to be
one of its toys, stuffed in its pocket
where it will take me out
to fiddle around with, when it feels like.

I won the respect of people
all just by being myself –
honest, affirmative,
accepting and giving.
Yet, today all those things
don’t mean very much to me
cos the prize that I seek
still eludes me.
And day in, day out…
I fight another battle..
hoping that for once,
the announcer would finally say
that I won that one.

I lost sight of my goal,
the objective which I had
settled on obtaining for the year,
the first half of the year.
Lost it absolutely and utterly,
even after knocking my head
hard to drum it in.
And today, I realize that soon,
I’m likely to be losing my sanity
and hold of life yet again.

There is chaos in this roller-coaster ride.
But unlike the amusement game,
I did not engineer this track.
And so, I do not know when
the highs will drop
and where the twists are.

I think… I thought…
I won… I lost… *Sigh*

Please Sir, I’ve had enough of this ride.
I wanna get off before I have
enough and release the safety bar myself.
But until that happens, I’ll just hang on..
for just a lil bit more…
For the highs have so far
been much better than the lows.

Fib

Okay… so I told a fib…
*cringe* *cringe* *cringe*
No one got hurt,
no one is gonna get hurt.
And it wasn’t a bad thing!
Honestly - it wasn’t!
But nonetheless, it’s been done.

I’m mortified.
But I’m not remorseful.
At least, not until I’m found out.

Fingers, ears and toes crossed
it will not be found out.
tho’ I know.. afterawhile,
the cat’s gonna come out of the bag
and then I’ll go hide under my bed for a bit.
That’s the sad bit!
I cannot fib on this account!

God I’m so embarrassed!
somebody take a gun and shoot me!

"You mean we actually all are one"

Regardless of how close
we hope to be,
we are so very far apart,
and when it comes down to it,
we are all just on our own.
I believe there will come a time
where nothing I say or do will matter.
I will not be able to
excuse my behaviors
in offering that they
were only done in retaliation
to each individual circumstance.
There will be no one by my side
who's got my back,
despite how greatly
I'd wish them there.
It will not matter
how greatly I suffered,
how much I've cried,
how badly it hurt,
there will be no justification
for what I've done.
Running away will not be
an option this time--
no hiding head in hands
begging for forgiveness.
I will once and for all have to face
my wrongs and explain myself.
And it is my greatest fear
that I will not have the words.

I don't matter

I realised this weekend that I don't matter.

I am not saying I am not loved
or that people don't care
or anything negative like that.
But I don't matter.
I don't make or break a gathering;
I am not essential to
my friend's having a good time;
I do not need to be consulted
or to consult anyone
with regards to any plans;
I don't make anyone
or anything feel complete.
I don't really matter.
Not in any big,
life altering way.
To anyone.



And I think it's wonderful.
By not mattering I am also not responsible.
There is nothing I have to do
cause whether I do it or not
it will still fail or succeed.
My presence is certainly enjoyed
but if I miss an event
or a gathering
it's not actually going to matter.


It is so liberating to know this.

letting down these walls

Not many people know this of me ...
and some people probably wouldn't believe it,
but I'm actually very shy.
It's not easy for me to put myself out there.
It's especially not easy for me to say to someone,
"I like you" ... rejection can be a hurtful thing.

When I was a child ... erm ... a younger child,
I was always picked last for teams.
I was always chubby.
Because I was an outcast, I actually studied.
Then I became the target of teasing
because I was smart ... teacher's pet,
blah, blah,blah. I was never part of the "in crowd" ...
never hip, slick or cool.

Later in life it became impossible for me
to open myself up to anyone
... ANYONE ... for any reason.
If I don't let you know that I like you
or care about you,
then you can't hurt me.
That's total BS
but denial has long been my forte.

Now in my adult life,
I've become fatally hip
and terminally cool.
People like hanging around me ...
even though, I don't give a crap about them.
It was peculiar that I could do drugs
with people I didn't know
or knew and didn't like,
have sex with strangers
-- etc. blah, blah, blah
and yet to do anything
with anyone I cared about,
liked or admired
was nearly impossible for me.
There have been few relationships
where I have told anyone that
I loved them and would do anything for them.
I've only said that in a romantic relationship once
and only a few times to friends.
It has come hard for me ...
to let the walls down.
It was in the not too distant past
that someone shut me out of their life
for reasons unknown to me.
We had been close, I thought.
It has tortured me for many long nights.

I can tell anyone anything about my life
(obviously from the paragraph above).
I dont' have any problem revealing aspects of my life.
However, precious few know not only
what I've done but how I truly feel.
There are people I openly admire
but that took a lot of stepping out
into unfamiliar territory .
.. scary stuff for me.

The bottom line is,
that I'm always surprised
when someone likes me ...
really likes me,
even after they know my dark past.
More suprising is when
I put myself out there
and admit I have
any degree of affection for someone.

However like I said in the not so distant past
this year is all about no longer hiding.
It's about being open, being me.
So I'm going to tell a certain someone
what I feel about them.
All I have to remember is that
I'm not the only one who is shy ...
not the only one who has trouble opening up.
So if someone doesn't reciprocate, it's okay.
My door is open ... my mind is open ...
my heart is open ... come and get it.

Nothing At All

If I give in to my emotions and let it go,
I might not get it back.

I'd rather almost vomit, than cry.
It's easier to deal with, easier to explain.

A. Why are you throwing up? The concerned ask.
I'm sick to my stomach.

B. Why are you crying?
Because of everything.
There's nothing that bad happening.
The concerned laugh it off as if I'm overreacting.

Yeah, you're right, I'd say. I'm fine. That's what you want to hear. Nothing bad at all. But see, I had my heart broken, by people I loved more than anything. My life is falling apart and no one seems to care. Sometimes, I hyperventilate for no reason, and not the normal way - backwards. I can't breathe; I'm not breathing. My best friends are either too busy or too wrapped up in their own stuff to listen - better yet, to get it. I haven't slept more than two hours a night for a week. No, nothing bad at all. I just feel like a failure. I'm putting the F in life. I might rather die than to deal. Yeah, nothing is wrong. Nothing at all.

Except with you, for not noticing that I am on a slow burning rope. And I don't think anyone is coming with a fucking bucket of water. I'm too drained to get one. Again, I will fail.

Fail at even trying to save myself.

Cuts and Scars

I'm a very sensitive person.
Anything that is said to me,
is taken to heart,
digested and stored away.
While I may exude an exterior
that is cold, calm
and maybe even sometimes cruel,
it's all to hide the hidden mind of this face.

I tend to care to much.
I tend to emphatise too much.
Things that are simple to you,
are complicated to me.
Maybe it's cause I think too much.

All in all, call me flippant.
Call me dramatic.
Call me screwed up.

Know that everything
that you think wrong about me
only puts another scar on my heart and my mind.

Yes - put a knife thru me and I do bled as well.

Confessions of a lostsoul

"It's amazing how if people tell you something often enough,
you believe it yourself."



But I have come to realise that there is no dignity
in trying to put on this false front that I am strong,
that there is nothing out of the ordinary of this thing I call my life.



For once, I am not going to stand stubborn and shout out,
"This is ME! Accept it!"
For there is nothing good to accept about ME now as I have become.



Am I pleased and proud of my so-called achievements?
I am not, contrary to what is said or done.



I can't help it if I have a cynical outlook on life.
Can you fault me if I said that because of
the things I have experienced in my wee 23 years of existence,
I have seen things that one should only read or watch about?
I have picked myself up so many times and glue me back together again,
that I resolutely and adamantly refuse to do it again.



I go through every day, wishing my life was someone else's
and that I didn't have to make decisions that are so painful,
you would even not wish them upon your worst enemy.
I tell myself each night before I sleep
that everything good is only temporary.
That such is my life and it will always be so.
I hold no illusions of a life of roses
where not a single dark cloud will blur my sunshine.



So if you see if from where I stand,
can you fault me for not giving due dilligence
to things that should have some respect and honour attached to it?
Things like friendship, loyalty, the gift of having hope.



If I could have you believe that it is not intentional,
would you buy my story?
Or is it a written conclusion that I'm a bad person?
Honestly, I may be slightly screwy,
but I would not give up on me
and say I am a thorough bad apple.



For the better part of it,
at least I still know what remorse is
and that amends needs to be made.
For I cannot go by life this way anymore.
It's become far more serious than I had stopped to think.
It's no longer about me that getting hurt in the process.
But the people around me as well.



Nobody will ever be able to tell
why some people's lives are intertwined the way they are.

I am sorry that your pathway crossed with mine.
It was never my intent to bring hurt, confusion nor pain.
But that to some extent, I have managed to achieve
all the things I set out not to do.



If I had just one wish,
I would wish to go back and un-do it all.


If I had a penny to give,
it would for you to not give up hope on me...
even as a friend.

New Blog

Ya know... I kinda miss it here, and this is where all my friends are, so I decided to come back home to blogger.