If I Die Today... Will You Remember Me Tomorrow?

Nothing's ever permanent in this world..
cliche as it may sound, it's true..
we'll all die in the end,

i've got my flaws...
i've made mistakes..
i've let chances pass me by...
i've had my own share of regrets..
but i've kept alot of it to myself...

i can be an introvert,
which i sometimes wanna let go of.

i'm moody but i try not to let it show..
I smile a lot, but at the end of the day, i feel tired..
not just the superficial sense of it, but deeper...

i question things in life, but i still try
to be optimistic and say to myself,
"Everything happens for a reason.."


But is this enough for somebody to remember me when I'm gone??
Have I made any difference in somebody else's life?? even just in one??


I don't know when the day will come that I will not be here anymore
and because of this I am writing this entry
cause there are three things I want you to know before I go...


There are many instances wherein
I just let the moment pass me by
and took for granted your presence..
i seldom sais how much i love you..
i seldom say how much i appreciate
all the things that you've done to my life..
but believe me, i'm starting to try...
though i try to let it show,
sometimes it may not be enough..
so let me start now before i run out of time...
whoever's reading this, if you know who i am,
i wanna say thank you for all the things
that you've given me... Even if you
haven't done something grand for me,
just having you in my life
is enough for me to say I Love You...
thank you for being a part of me
and for sharing a piece of your time with me..
i may have forgotten to let you know
how much i feel blessed to have you in my life,
so now i'm letting you know..

If i have offended you one way or another,
hurt you in ways i never intended to do,
i want to ask for forgiveness..
I never dreamt to hurt somebody else's feelings..
never in my life did i want such a thing..
i may just be in a bad mood that day..
or i may have some things troubling my mind
that i became untactful in any way..
but if it is any consolation, i didn't mean to be...
not with you... if you could forgive me, please do....

And when the the day finally comes
when i have to leave you behind,
there's one more thing i wanted you to know,
one thing i want to ask from you.. Please don't cry for me..
It hurts me to see the pain in your eyes..
it stabs my heart to see the tears
trickling down your cheeks.. Don't cry
cause i'm just gonna be away for a while..
but i'll still be watching over you..
i'll still be there for you..
In silence, you will hear me and feel my presence..
see? i never left you.. i'll never will..
i'm gonna be your own angel forever if i have to...
goodbyes aren't always forever.. it isn't the end..
so hush now... *hush*hush*....

Life is not ours to keep...
It's something we borrowed from the one above...
there will come a time when my candle
will stop burning, but when that time comes,
and i know i have done all three, i'll be smiling...
not because i want to leave you behind..
but because i know i have done
what i was supposed to do..

i just hope that at the end of it all,
you'll remember me.... *tear*

I wish i were a child again

I wish I could go back to those days
when life was so simple and all I cared about
was eating, playing and sleeping.
Then I didn't have to worry about
what tomorrow would bring
because that was beyond the realm of my thinking.
My wants were so simple and I didn't feel any pressure.
I didn't have to experience headaches over work
and heartaches over losing a loved one or a friend.
I was so forgiving and always so happy
because my needs and wants were so simple.
I didn't have to ponder the complexities of life.
There were no complications -- just plain and simple satisfaction.
When I was a child, I could hardly wait to grow up.
Now that I have grown up, I can't stop wishing to become a child again.
Had I still been a child,
I wouldn't have to spend my waking hours
Working just so I could afford to live
I wouldn't have to spend so many hours in front of a computer.
I wouldn't have to check my e-mail or my Friendster account.
I wouldn't have to wait for my phone to ring,
and I wouldn't have to check it if I have received any messages.
I wouldn't have to clean my room, do the laundry and cook.
I wouldn't have to read the newspapers.
I wouldn't care who won or lost in the elections.
I wouldn't wish that Osama bin Laden would be caught soon.
I wouldn't care if the value of the doller went down
or the prices of the commodities skyrocketed.
I wouldn't care about all the problems this world has.
I wouldn't have to worry if my clothes matched
or if my hair were in place. I wouldn't care if a friend left me.
I wouldn't care if my parents were disappointed with me.
I wouldn't care if I had no special someone
and I wouldn't wonder when I would find one.
I wouldn't have fallen in love,
cried over the break-up
and spent sleepless nights over it.
But if I were still a child, I would still have
a long way to travel just to be
where I am right now.
I can't imagine myself experiencing
again everything that I went through.
I wouldn't have experienced the joy
of graduating from high school, and now,
I wouldn't have experienced the thrill
of seeing my parents so proud of me.
I wouldn't have experienced the joys and pains of growing up.
I wouldn't have experienced the beauty of being in love.
I wouldn't have understood what life is all about.
I wouldn't have realized the beauty of living.
And I wouldn't have understood that living is learning.
So even though it's great to have
my simple childhood satisfaction back again,
i'm just happy that i've reached where i am right now.
There may be more downs than ups with my life right now,
there may be times when i could go cynical, but at the end of it all,
i'm just glad things happened just the way they are.

Anyways, things happen for a reason, right?????

Do you believe wishes come true?

do you believe wishes come true??
have you ever seen a shooting star,
closed your eyes and then wished
for something you really wanted,
doesn't matter of it's gonna come true or not?
it's just the feeling of you took the chance
and not let it pass you by??
last night, i was staring at the sky (again)
when suddenly, i saw a shooting star,,
just for a second though.. i panicked!!
i blinked but it was all gone by then..
'oh my god! i just saw a shooting star!
i gotta wish'.. that was the first thing
that came to my mind.. besides,
it's not everyday that i get to see
a shooting star to come my way..
so i closed my eyes..
i bowed down my head,
took a deep breath...
... and wished........

i don't know for how long
my eyes were closed
but as soon as i opened them,
there was a smile on my face..
i was in a daze just thinking
that for the first time in my life,
i was able to see one,
and was able to wish on it..

childish as it may sound,
i still believe in these things..
yes, just a simple act
but it gives me a profound feeling
of satisfaction.. not because
i am guaranteed that what
i wished for certainly,
without a doubt, would happen,
but rather that shooting star
somewhat gave me a lil more faith
to believe that it's gonna happen
somehow, somewhere, sometime....

maybe someday, when it all comes true,
i'll look back and say to myself,
yes, my star never left me broken..
but until then, all i could hold on to is my faith...

do you believe wishes come true??

Quotes Galore

____________
It fascinates me how i got 2 know you,
everything came together at the right time,
right place & with the right people.
maybe the stars were lined up just right-who knows?
I’m just glad i was there where you were...
____________
I asked god why im still here... He gave me no reason.
I asked god why my life is like this... He gave me no reason.
I asked god why i met you... He simply answered,
"so everything would have a reason”
____________
When I met you, my whole world turned upside down.
Every part of my life seemed to be in its place
because you were there. I woke up every morning
smiling because it'll be another day with you.
You gave a kind of happiness no one has ever given me.
You were my life and my everything
____________
it's not the content of your messages that soothes me,
it's not the jokes that makes me happy.
but rather the thought of somehow,
in your busy life, you still remember me.
____________
I've never known this could happen.
The day you came into my life, everything changed.
Why you picked me is still a miracle.
Not only did God bring you to me,
But he also brought me to you.
Thank you for making me feel so "special".
____________


It's hard letting go of someone
specially if he/she became
an important part of your life.
But if you feel that you've given
everything but still nothing happens,
set him/her free. "
____________

I could never find another one
who could compare to you.
I may love again but not the way i have loved you.
You may only be a part of my past but you know what?
Everytime i see you, i whisper..."I love you."
____________

I need you like I have never needed anyone before.
I need you like you're all I'm living for.
I need you and I haven't got a clue.
I need you and I don't know what to do.
I need you, what more should I say.
I need you to tell me that you'll stay.
____________
Forgive my mind for it can't forget
how life began the day we met.
Forgive my soul for it sees
that we are really meant to be.
Forgive this feeling I just can't kill,
Forgive my heart, it loves you still.
____________
You know that if you miss someone very much,
every time you think of that person,
your heart breaks to pieces,
and just a quick "hello" from that person,
can bring the broken pieces back together.
____________
I lie in bed and I dream of you
but then I got to think are you dreaming of me, too?
Too bad, I can never tell you
how much I am missing you;
it’s not because I don’t want to.
It’s because I’m not supposed to.
____________
death scares the hell out of me.
i don't want to die knowing
that you’ll cry over me.
But if death means watching over you,
being with you.. I might as well take my life just for you...
____________

i never thought id really knew
that id care for someone the way i care for you..
and litlle did i know how happy i could be,
until i fell in love with you,
and you in love with me...
____________

Its worth smiling to have you,
worth crying to lose you,
worth my time to be with you..
And worth my life to love you.
____________
If goodbye will be the last word
i have to say before i die,
i won't let it be spoken.
I rather die than to say goodbye
to someone i never want
to give up even after death
____________

someone once asked me if i really love you.
i just kept quiet, closed my eyes, i smiled,
opened my eyes, and simply walked away...
then i whispered.. Yes I Do!
____________
One day, I’d make you mine.
One day, you’d say I’m fine.
One day, you’d realize
that love is right before your eyes.
One day when things are true.
One day it’s you and me…
but too bad you make it seem
that one day, is just a dream.
____________
If love can be avoided simply
by closing my eyes...
I wouldn't blink at all
for i don't want to let second pass
having fallen out of love with you...
____________
if i could ask god one thing
it would be "are you destined for me?"
if he says yes, then i would continue
to love you even more! but if he say no,
still i would continue to love you,
till i make him see that loving you
at my best is enough to say we’re meant to be..
____________
It hurts to love in vain;
hurts even more that the one we love
is loving someone else… but what hurts most
is finding out that the reason she’s loving
someone else is cause you never gave her
the chance to love you.

____________
Never say youre happy when youre really sad...
never say youre fine when youre not ok..
never say you feel good when you feel bad
and never say youre alone when you still have me..
____________
When I saw you, I was afraid to look at you.
When I look at you, I was afraid to touch you.
When I touched you, I was afraid to kiss you.
When I kissed you I was afraid to love you
and now that I love you I'm afraid to lose you
____________
The sweetest thing a guy ever did for his girl
was to sit with his friends, look at her from afar,
and proudly tell them, look at my Angel,
have you ever seen anyone so beautiful?
____________
You called me and talked about the person you love
and how perfect he is, then there was silence;
I was trying to stop my tears from falling
as I uttered the most difficult reply Ive ever made..
"I'm happy for you"..
____________
Sometimes we let affection go unspoken,
Sometimes we let our love go unexpressed,
Sometimes we can't find words to tell our feelings,
Especially towards those we love the best

Fear Not

I feared to be alone,
until i learned to like myself......

I feared success,
until i realized that i have to try
in order to be happy with myself..........

I feared rejection,
until i learned to have faith in myself......

I feared the truth,
until i saw the ugliness in lies.....

I feared death,
until i realized that it's not
an end but a beginning....

I feared hate,
until i saw that it was nothing
more than ignorance....

I feared the future,
until i realized that life
just kept getting better....

I feared failure,
until i realized that i only fail
when i don't try....

I feared people's opinions,
until i realized that people would have
opinions about me anyway..

I feared pain,
until i realized that it's necessary for growth..

I feared growing old,
until i realized i gained wisdom everyday....

I feared change,
until i saw that even the most
beautiful butterfly
had to undergo a metamorphosis
before it could ... fly

I am a Panther

I found this while i was surfing the net..

IF YOUR BIRTHDAY FALLS ON:

January 01-09 dog
January 10-24 mouse
January 25-31 lion
February 01-05 cat
February 06-14 dove
February 15-21 turtle
February 22-28 panther
March 01-12 monkey
March 13-15 lion
March 16-23 mouse
March 24-31 cat
April 01-03 dog
April 04-14 panther <~ Thats Me
April 15-26 mouse
April 27-30 turtle
May 01-13 monkey
May 14-21 dove
May 22-31 lion <~Mel
June 01-03 mouse
June 04-14 turtle
June 15-20 dog
June 21 -24 monkey
June 25-30 cat
July 01-09 mouse
July 10-15 dog
July 16-26 dove
July 27-31 cat
August 01-15 monkey
August 16-25 mouse
August 26-31 turtle
September 01-14 dove
September 15-27 cat
September 28-30 dog
October 01-15 monkey
October 16-27 turtle
October 28-31 panther
November 01 -16 lion
November 17-30 cat <~ Joey
December 01-16 dog
December 17-25 monkey
December 26-31 dove

YOUR CHARACTERISTICS:

If you are a DOG

You are a very loyal and sweet person. Your loyalty can never be doubted. You are quite honest and sincere when it comes to your attitude towards working. You are a very simple person, indeed.absolutely hassle free, humble and down to earth!! That explains the reason why your friends cling on to you! You have a good taste for clothes. If your wardrobe is not updated with what is trendy, you sure are depressed .you are popular and easy going. You have a little group of dignified friends, all of them being quality personified.

If you are a MOUSE

Always up to some sort of a mischief! The mischievous gleam in your eyes what makes you so cute and attractive to everyone. You are an extremely fun to be with kind of person. No wonder, people seek for your company and look forward to include you for all get together however, you are sensitive, which is a drawback. People need to select their words while talking to you. If someone tries to fiddle around and play with words while dealing with you, it is enough to invite your wrath. God bless the person then!

If you are a LION
(Melissa)
Quite contradictory to your name you are a peace loving person.(Sounds like Mel) You best try to avoid a situation wherein you are required to fight.(sounds about right of her) An outdoor person,(not so much her) you dislike sitting at one place for a long duration.(... again not so much her) You are a born leader, and have it in you how to tactfully derive work from people.(not sure, never worked with her) You love being loved, and when you receive your share of limelight from someone, you are all his or hers!!!(not going to agree, or disagree) Well, well hence some people could even take advantage, flatter you to the maximum and get their work done. So be careful! (sorda like her)

If you are a CAT
(Joey)
You are an extremely lovable, adorable person,(yea he is) sometimes shy, with a passion for quick wit.(that is him) At times you prefer quietness.(that is so him) You love exploring various things and going into depth of each thing.(again that is like him alot) Under normal circumstances you are cool,(true) but when given a reason to, you are like a volcano waiting to erupt...(so true) You are a fashion bird...(um.. not so much) People look forward to you as an icon associated with fashion...(still not so much) Basically, you mingle along freely but don't like talking much to strangers.(yea he hates strangers) People feel very easy in your company.(true) You observe care in choosing your friends.(this it true of him, but he chose me, so maybe not :-D)

If you are a TURTLE

You are near to perfect and nice to heart. The examples of your kindness are always circulated in groups of people. You too love peace. You wouldn't like to retaliate even to a person who is in the wrong. You are loved due to this. You do not wish to talk behind ones back. People love the way you always treat them. You can give, give and give love, and the best part is that you do not expect it back in return. You are generous enough. Seeing things in a practical light is what the best trait of you guys remains.

If you are a DOVE

You symbolize a very happy go lucky approach in life. What ever the surroundings may be, grim or cheerful, you remain unaffected. In fact you spread cheer wherever you go. You are the leader of your group of friends and good at consoling people in their times of need. You dislike hypocrisy and tend to shirk away from hypocrites. They can never be in your good books, no matter what. You are methodical and organized in your work. No amount of mess hence can ever encompass you. Beware; it is easy for you to fall in love.

If you are a PANTHER

You are a mysterious.(yea that seems to sound like me) You are someone who can handle pressure with ease,(but this not so much) and can handle any atmosphere without going berserk.(for the most part) You can be mean at times and love to gossip with your selected group.(what can I say, I like gossip) You are very prim and proper. (again not so much) You like all situations and things to be in the way you desire,(yea, I'd agree with that) which, sometimes is not possible.(true... so true) As a result, you may lose out in some relationships.(yea that is the truth) But other wise, you love to help people out from difficult and tight spots when they really need you.(yep that would be me)

If you are a MONKEY

Very impatient and hyper!!! You want things to be done as quickly as possible. At heart, you are quite simple and love if you are the center of attraction. That way, you people are unique. You would like to keep yourself safe from all the angles. Should your name be dragged or featured in any sort of controversy. You then go all panicky. Therefore you take your precautions from the very beginning. When you foresee anything wrong, your sixth sense is what saves you from falling in traps. Quite a money minded bunch you people are.

Beautifully imperfect..

Beautifully imperfect..
I am living an imperfect life
in an imperfect world
in this imperfect lifetime..
I am just like any other..
My life has its own share
of dysfunctionalities
and flaws and disappointments
and monotonousness
that could bring my spirits down..
I'm vulnerable to these things
but i try not to dwell so much
with the things i don't have..
Sometimes i succeed..
most times i don't
and i let these disappointments
get the best of me..
Nevertheless,
I remain grateful...



Just for Today, i will try to live through this day only
and not tackle my whole life problem at once.
I can do something for twelve hours
that would appall me if i felt
that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for Today, I will be happy..
This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said,
that, "Most folks are as happy
as they make up their minds to be.."

Just for Today, I will adjust myself to what is,
and not try to adjust everything to my own desires.
I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it..

Just for Today, i will try to strengthen my mind.
I will study, I will learn something useful.
I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something
that requires effort, thought, and concentration.

Just for Today, I will exercise my soul in three ways:
i will do someone a good turn, and not get found out;
if anybody knows of it, it will not count.
I will do at least two things I don't want to do--just for exercise.
If my feelings are hurt, I will not show it..
Just for Today, I will have a quiet half hour by myself and relax..
During this half hour, I will try to get a better perspective of my life..

Just for Today, I will be unafraid..
Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful,
and to believe that as I give to the world,
so the world will give to me..

Just for Today, I will be agreeable.
I will look as well as i can.. dress becomingly..
talk low... act courteously.. criticize not one bit...
not find fault with anything
and not to try to improve or regulate anybody except myself..

...... Yesterday ............. Today ............ Tomorrow ......

There are two days in every week
about which we should not worry..
Two days which should be kept free
from fear and apprehension..

One of these days is YESTERDAY
with its mistakes and cares,
its faults and blunders,
its aches and pains.
YESTERDAY has passed forever
beyond our control..
All the money in the world
cannot bring back YESTERDAY.
We cannot undo a single act we performed;
we cannot erase a single word we said...
YESTERDAY is gone..

The other day we should not worry about is
TOMORROW with its adversities, its burdens,
its large promise and poor performance.
TOMORROW is also beyond our immediate control.

TOMORROW, the sun will rise,
either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds ----
but it will rise... Until it does,
we have no stake in TOMORROW
for it is as yet unborn..

This leaves only one day...... TODAY.
Any man can fight the battle of just one day.
It is only when you and I add the burdens
of those two aweful eternities,
YESTERDAY and TOMORROW,
that we break down..

It is not the experience of TODAY
that drives men mad -- it is the remorse
or bitterness for something which happened YESTERDAY
and the dread of what TOMORROW may bring..
Let us, therefore, live but one day at a time...


" Yesterday is gone forever;
tomorrow may never come..
Today is YOURS.. Use it."

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference....."

Quotes On Love

"I am nothing special;
of this I am sure.
I am a common man
with common thoughts,
and I've led a common life.
There are no monuments
dedicated to me,
and my name
will soon be forgotten,
but i've loved another
with all my heart and soul,
and to me,
this has alwyas been enough..."
-The Notebook

"Poets often describe love
as an emotion we can't control,
one that overwhelms
logic and common sense.
That's what it was like for me.
I didn't plan on falling in love with you,
and i doubt if you planned
on falling in love with me.
But once we met, it was clear
that neither of us could control
what was happening to us.
We fell in love, despite our differences,
and once we did, something rare
and beautiful was created.
For me, love like that
only happens once.."
-The Notebook

"The first time you fall in love,
it changes your life forever,
and no matter how hard you try,
the feeling never goes away.."
-The Notebook

"You are the answer to every prayer I've offered.
You are a song, a dream, a whisper,
and i don't know how i could have lived
without you for as long as I have.
I love you more than you can ever imagine.
I always have, and I always will.. "
-The Notebook

"Lost love is still love.
It takes a different form, that's all..
You can't see them smile
or bring them food,
or tousle their hair
or move them around
a dance floor.
But when senses weaken,
another heightens.
Memory.
Memory becomes your partner..
You nurture it. Y
ou hold on to it.
You dance with it.
Life has to end.. Love doesn't.. "
- The 5 people you meet in heaven

"I am here to love you,
to hold you in my arms,
to protect you..
I am here to learn from you
and to receive your love in return..
I am here because
there is no other place to be.. "
- Message in a bottle

" While wounds can be inflicted
easily upon those we love,
it's often much more difficult to heal them.
Yet the process of healing those wounds
provides the richest experience of life,
leading me to believe that while i've often
overestimated what i could accomplish in a day,
I had underestimated what i could do in a year.
But most of all that I've learned that it's possible
for two people to fall in love all over again,
even if there's been a lifetime of
disappointments between them. "
-The Wedding

I would rather have had
one breath of her hair,
one kiss from her mouth,
one touch of her hand,

than eternity without it.
Just One.
- City of Angels

I love that you get cold when it is 71 degrees out.
I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich.
I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose
when you're looking at me like I'm nuts.
I love that after I spend day with you,
I can still smell your perfume on my clothes.
And I love that you are the last person
I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.
And it's not because I'm lonely,
and it's not because it's New Year's Eve.
I came here tonight because
when you realize you want to spend
the rest of your life with somebody,
you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
- When Harry Met Sally

"If you love someone say it,
you say it right then, out loud..
Otherwise the moment just.. passes you by.. "
-My Best Friend's Wedding

Journey

Journey.
I like that word.
It makes me feel that
I have some place to go.
I am not just an aimless wanderer.
I have a purpose.
I have a reason to live.
Things happen for a reason.
I was hurt for a reason.
I faltered for a reason.
I dreamed and I will continue
dreaming for a reason.
A reason that is yet
to be fully understood.

I'll be ok no matter where
this road of life will take me.
I'll struggle daily but I'll be ready.
I just hope that there is
someone to take my hand
when I am weakening
and about to fall again.
Someone who serves as
a reminder that I am
strong enough to hold on,
just to hold on till
the very end of it all.
Someone I could fall back on.
Just someone to be there
come what may.

Someone Like You

i peered through window, watched life go by dreamt of tomorrow
and wonder why the past is holding me, keeping life at bay
i wandered lost in yesterday wanting to fly, but scared to try

but if...someone like you found someone like me then suddenly
nothing would ever be the same my heart would take reign,
and I would feel so alive if someone like you found me.

so many secrets ive longed to share all i have needed is someone there
to help me see a world i never see before to set me free, so i can soar

if someone like you, found someone like me then suddenly
nothing would ever be the same with you waiting here,
a new way to love if someone like you found me

but if someone like you, found someone like me then suddenly
nothing would ever be the same my heart would take reign,
and i feel so alive...if someone like you...loves me.

Come To Think Of It...

Have you ever wished that you somehow
know what the future may bring,
just to hold on to a feeling of certainty
so that questions will no longer be left unanswered?
So that fears will no longer haunt the haunted?
So that you could hold on to a feeling of security
of knowing what to do before something hits you unexpectedly?
Somehow, I wish I do.. Somehow I wish I had a hint,
even just a hint of tomorrow's reality.
There's something comforting in not having any gray areas..
Everything is concrete.. Either black or white.. Good or bad..
Perhaps just like how a child perceives the world around him.
You know, sometimes I wonder what I would feel
if I could see my own future in a crystal ball?
To have the option to know the details of my life
in a deck of cards or in the creases of my palms?
Intriguing..Tempting..
But then there's the other side of me who likes to be surprised,
who likes the feeling of not knowing..
(Just like how the saying goes, "Ignorance is bliss.")..
A side who is fascinated about the things
that is beyond my own understanding, beyond my own reach..
Someone who believes in fate and destiny
yet still wants to believe that life is not in every inch predetermined,
that I have a choice,my own free will on how to live my life..
Who wants to experience the thrill of living in the moment
without thinking too much or worrying about
'what could be' or 'what could have been'..
Without contemplating too much on "what-if's" or "if-only's" of life..
A side who just wants to be free-spirited and carefree
and just enjoy each day and appreciate the beauty
of every sunrise' and sunsets and everything in between.
Two opposite poles, two sides, two beliefs, one person..
It's funny how I could be so unbelievably ambivalent
on how I perceive life at times.. I'm like a water along the shore
who constantly waxes and wanes depending on the tide.
I'm like the moon who changes its phase from new moon to full moon.
Contradictions.. Ironies.. I've got my own fair share of it..
But does it really matter if I'm as ambivalent as I say I am?
I mean, everyday is a different day, different emotions will rule you
in that specific moment in life. It's difficult to be unchanging, don't you think?

What Emotion Dominates Me?

Lonliness dominates you. You can hide it well, but
its there, and your friends can see it. You
constantly feel alone, and need to do things to
fill your time. Your afraid to tell people
this, but sooner or later it gets out in a bad
way, and you think you screwed up everything.
And when you are in love is when you are sad
the most.

Friends Are Family You Choose For Yourself

Oh, the comfort,
the inexpressible comfort
of feeling safe with a person,
having neither to weigh thoughts
nor measure words,
but pouring them all out,
just as they are,
chaff and grain together,
certain that a faithful hand
will take and sift them,
keep what is worth keeping,
and with a breath of kindness
blow the rest away.

~Dinah Craik

"Life Is An Entropy"

The word “entropy” id being used outrageously nowadays.
You usually hear this from physicists,
engineers and made use of in engineering subjects.
But lately, you learned that even sociologists used this word.
Therefore, go ahead and be a part of those who abuse this term.
Entropy – synonymus to disorder, chaos,
disturbance, noise, random, mixture, and heat.
From the Greek word entrope, which means change.
In thermodynamics, it quantifies the disorderliness of the system.
According to the 2nd law, the entropy of
an isolated system never decreases over time.
This means that, the longer the time, the more chaotic the system is.
Is it not life is an entropy?
Chaotic. Complicated. Interweaved.
Packed with changes.
Some people, while yearning
for a simple and peaceful life,
do not run off by problems,
while others, want to stay
in their life’s entropy.
Life is more challenging
when it is disordered.
People love to struggle
all the more when
they are pushed to the limits.
Maybe, these types of people
are masochistic. They enjoy life’s crisis.
They are in pain,
yet they can afford
to smile and laugh
at their situation.
How will you understand life
then when it agrees with
the 2nd law of thermodynamics
in which life ends with
degradation, annihilation,
decomposition, separation, and death?
A living proof that life is
an enigmatic oxymoron;
that nature favors a disordered state;
that Darwin’s theory of evolution
is impossible because
entropy needs to be decreased
to achieve the simplicity of life.
Evolution is to simplicity
as entropy is to complexity.
A novel can have a prologue,
an epilogue, a prequel, a sequel,
can pack with episodes,
or can be made into a book series.
But this has to be given
a splendid ending by the author.
At the end, the good defeated the evil,
two people separated by time
found each others arms once again
and ends up being together,
the protagonist endured, while the villain died,
and just like a fairy tale,
everybody lives happily ever after.
Readers despised a hanging up finale.
A tragic conclusion is disheartening.
But in reality, each life’s story
is not as always as a happy ending.
Whatever happens, there has to have
a period at the end of a life’s story.
A part of one’s life ends with a decision;
a choice of what is right, and not what is easy.
The cliché, change is the only
permanent thing in this world,
is also according to the 2nd law of thermodynamics.
It says, energy is transformed from one form to another.
The transformation is from higher to lower level.
That is the reason why, when a hot water
is filled with ice, water does not turn into ice,
but instead ice turned into water.
Same thing with life. You maybe rich today,
tomorrow you will live with poverty.
You are happy today, expect that you will cry later.
That is why you must make the most out of your life.
Enjoy each moment as if it were your last.
Because you never know until
when the happiness that you feel at the moment lasts.
Because you believe in entropy, you knew
that happiness goes to loneliness;
that everything is just temporary.
The ice-hot water system will come to a point
of achieving its equilibrium, wherein
the temperature remains constant.
Life’s events consist of a symmetrical pattern.
Therefore, loneliness is in symmetry with happiness.
This balances the system of life.
Just like the ice-hot water system, there is a gradual change.
You need to adjust and to cope up, because eventually,
you will reach the state of equilibrium in which
you will never feel the pain, sadness, and turmoil.
Even Barbra Streisand’s question,
"Some good things never last. Why can’t they last?”
can be solved by the 2nd law of thermodynamics.
They can’t last because of entropy.
She watched love get closer, then it fade away.
“What good is holding on when all
you can think about is letting go.”
When energy is transformed,
hot water rejected energy
while ice accepted the same
amount of energy in a heat form.
Same goes with Barbra’s song.
In order to achieve equilibrium,
rejection and acceptance are needed.
One has to let go and accept the other.
He said, life is simple. Human just complicates it.
You disagreed. It is the reversed, instead.
Life is really complicated.
Human has just the choice
whether to simplify it or not.
A jar with coins, which appears to be heads,
is in an ordered state. When you agitate the jar,
chances are, some of the coins will turn out to be tails.
There are two choices: heads or tails.
The more you shake the jar,
the greater chance tails will come out.
It all boils down to choice.
Choice is the reason why life is an entropy.
Choice makes life in a disordered state.
Paradoxically, why can’t we have a choice
without having to choose instead?
Let life accept everything whatever comes out,
that’s already it, be it hurtful or not,
happy or sad, good or bad.
You just have to accept it as it is
because you do not have a choice.
Why can’t it be like that?
The jar with coins has to be applied
with “external work” so that tails may come out.
To make a choice is to do an “external work.”
One needs to make an effort.
Choice spices up our lives.
It tries our free will if we will be using it to good or to bad,
difficult or easy, compromising or sacrificial,
and the choice between what is right and easy.
In your case, your life is still an entropy.
But you know that eventually,
you will reach the state of equilibrium,
wherein you will never be disordered anymore.

I Will Ramble

I don't think I have any loyal readers.... As a matter of fact,
I am not sure if anyone reads this at all much less very ofter
If you're reading this, don't you have anything better to do?
I guess not, so maybe that makes us passengers in the same boat.

The boat of people who are looking for something more than what they see.
Or what the world let's them see. *shrugs* I do not know the certainty of that.
I am no mind reader, as much as I try to be one, as much as I attempt
to understand the ebb and flow of the human mind and soul.

But what I do know is that, though we may long for understanding,
we are afraid of being truly understood. Then again,
if complete and utter understanding of one another were ever to be achieved,
what need would there be for language, art, communication?
Would there ever be a need for us to ever open our mouths again?
I would think not. Or maybe I'm just generalising. Who cares? Not you. Why should you?
I am just another lone voice in a vast sea of screaming people.

It's obvious, in a way, that we all want to be misunderstood.
To remain a mystery. To remain enigmas. Why is that?
So that other people might actually wanna bother finding out who we are.
And still, we persist with the mystery, if only
to keep others interested, to keep others wanting to know more.

I am an open book. Would you want to read, what I have to say?

Someday It Will Be Tomorrow....

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality;
their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is,
but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing.
People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous.
How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel?
Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain.
But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio.
You feel your strength in the experience of pain.
It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling.
Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality.
If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them,
you're letting society destroy your reality.
You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.

"It is not only necessary to love, it is necessary to say so."
Proverb

My question to you today:
Who was the last person you told that you love them
so if you did die tomorrow, they will never doubt your love?
They will feel assured that they meant something special to you.

Someday it will be tomorrow and I will be dead.

...What Darkness Brings...

i like it when it's dark..
i love to go out
and be one with nature...
it gives me a sense of solitude..
gives me a sense of peace..
sometimes, constant bright lights blind me,
and by staying a while in the dark,
i get to be in touch with the person inside of me..
no pretenses... just simply who i am..
i could meditate.. i see things more clearly..

I'm sitting here on the back porch,
just admiring the beauty of nature
that's about to sleep..
I hear the crickets and their other mates
making their symphony..
The flowers beside the back door
closes its petals, as if knowing i
nstinctively that they need to rest
after a full day of bloom...
The night lamps are flickering,
dramatizing and giving
more effects to the night sky..

I can't see any stars tonight..
They are enveloped against the arms
of the midnight clouds..
I'm searching for just one star,
a star that somehow was able to shine upon me,
regardless of the darkness that the clouds offered.....
but i see none tonight.. I waited for a while,
hoping that i would see even
a faint twinkle up on the heavens..
I let the gentle breeze brush upon my skin,
filling up my senses..
I waited for a minute.. then a minute
turned into two.. three.. till it reached up to twenty..
i just stayed there staring blankly at the sky..
just simply captivated by the silent beauty
of darkness around me..
i'm dreaming... i'm wishing... i'm waiting
for a shooting star to come my way...
i am not a person who loves to live in the dark..
don't get that impression from me..
It's just that darkness sometimes brings light..
not necessarily the physical light we often times
associate with the word, but the light that comes from within..
a light that somehow gives us a reason why
we have to wake up the next day.. the light that clears our minds,
and eases our spirits.. a light sufficient enough
for us to see the beauty around us that is oftentimes
just taken for granted due to the fact that we got to
keep our pace to be not left behind by society..
These simple beautys are left unappreciated.. unnoticed...
Tonight, i want it to be different..
Let me sit down and just be here...
together with the Mother...
Let me see... Let me feel
that i sure have a place in this world....
I need to find my light tonight,
so i can see.. i just need some light to shine on me...
later, I, too, shall rest,
like the flowers by our back door..
but right now, i just want to be here...

being here tonight, i have found my solace...

"Ship In A Bottle"

I wanna be the surgeon
that cuts you open
and fixes all of life's mistakes

I wanna be the house
that you were raised in
the only place that you feel safe

I wanna be your shower
in the morning that wakes
you up and makes you clean

I know I'm just the weather
against your window as you sleep
through a winter's dream

Something's churning the earth
Something's stirring the sky.
Every color at once in a column of light.

Bacteria breeds on a microscope slide
The worm in my heart
is the apple of your eye.

Don't adore what is impossible
We have built this ship in a wine bottle
If we knew how it worked
we would have to grow old.

Something's eating at you,
wakes you up in the night
If you're digging the past
who knows what you'll find

Read the newspaper print
off the microfiche slide
and you're holding your breath
for the rest of your life

Don't you love what is intangible
I have built this ship in a wine bottle
but if you knew who I was
you would never grow old

Don't Change

Let the world keep going,
but don't change yourself from knowing
how the sun comes up each day.
how the stars come out every night.
how the moon shines without a fight
and how they expect you to stay the same.

They don't want to see the pain that shines in your eyes.
They don't want to feel the tears that you cry at night.
They want you to keep going so,
don’t change yourself from knowing
who it is that you really are.

My Story

I don't know where I'm going
Don't understand where I've been

I'll just take my broken story
And carry on again.

I can't explain how I got here
Don't know why I was there

I'll just keep on walking foward
No matter how unfair.

I lost my shield of armor
I built one made of love

But in this world of bitterness
I'm like a broken dove.

I'll read to you my story
If you take the time to hear

But you have to look between the lines
To understand my tears.

I'll show to you my heart
In its lair where is hides

It's mending its open wounds
Tears of blood, it cries.

You will never see me screaming
You will never see my scars

You will never see me bleeding
I'm reaching for the stars.

Don't pretend that you don't know me.
I've shared with you my pain.

Someday you will remember me
My tears will be your rain.

Encouragement

I've never seen a butterfly give up with just one wing.
I've never seen a bird too lonely to sing.
I've never seen a flower too shy to bloom.
I've never seen a wolf scared to howl at the moon.
I've never seen the sky too big to cry.
I've never seen a child too young to wonder why.
I've never seen the wind too tired to blow.
I've never seen the sun decide not to show.
I've never seen a tree too tall to touch the ground.
I've never seen a cricket to sick to make a sound.
I've never seen a stream hesitate to be a waterfall.
I'll never give up on life, Not now Not later Not at all.

You are who you want to be

we are who we make ourselves to be...
the paths we choose in life,
the destinys we wish to fulfill
are all within our own hands.
as children, our parents
try to mold us into people
they want us to be;
good people.
but in reality it is within ourselves
to satisfy that hope, that dream.
even as kids, we may obey or we may disobey -
both having different results.
this goes with any decision
or fork in the road you come across.
you could feel a sense of adrenaline
by doing things, get some sort of high
and end up living that life...
or you attempt some action
and understand the consequences
and feel the guilt associated
with it and never do it again.
you can take the advice of the wise
or you can disregard it.
again, the decision is solely on you.
you are who you choose to be...
everything in your life is directly
or indirectly dependant
on who you are.
you grow at different times in life
and grow at different rates.
how fast or how slow
is dependant on each individual.
you do things a certain way
now and in order for you
to get out of this monotonous
habit is to learn.
find ways to bring you out
and take that next leap -
that next journey.
remember the fork in the road?
you're there.
we go through growing pains,
take paths of winding roads
and mountains and hills.
but whichever journey you take
leads you to YOU

Another Reason

Another reason for my mind to pre-occupy itself.
Another reason for me to wonder if I really need some help.
Another reason for my tears to burn my cheeks like fire.
Another reason for me to stay awake, even when I'm tired.
Another reason to burn a candle just to watch it burn.
Another reason to think so hard it makes my stomach churn.
Another reason to write down everything that my heart feels.
Another reason to wonder if all my blood's been spilled.
Another reason to hit repeat on the same song again.
Another reason to wish I had kept my feelings in.
Another reason to complicate even the simplest of words.
Another reason to wonder why the hell love hurts.
Another reason to write poems until my hands are numb.
Another reason to wonder where all this pain comes from.
Another reason to suffocate myself in my dreams.
Another reason to quietly blow-off some steam.
Another reason to hate the reflections I see in my mirror.
Another reason to hold my breath just to see a little clearer.
Another reason to wonder if I should go on another day.
Another reason to wish there were things I didn't say.
Another reason, that’s what you are

Well I'll Tell You Why

This is on here for on person, and one person only, if you want to read it and you are not them, thats fine, if not then thats fine also.... it is mearly a reply to an email I got from someone.... and I didn't want to email the reply to them.


Why push me away?
(because I don't want to get hurt)

Why shut me out?
(because of the way I feel)

Why lie to me when I have not lied to you
(I have not been telling the whole truth, but I have never lied)

Why do all these things you are doing when all I want
is to be is your friend at least?!
(its fine for us to be friends, but the way I feel...
is not that of a friend)

I am not her and I understand(I think)
your reasons for pushing me away.
(I know you are not her, but I am still me)

I just want honestly and a person that
truly wants to be around me.
(I do want to be around you, but
I can't with the way I feel about you)

I don't want to force anyone
to talk to me or be my friend
(you are not forcing me,
if I don't want to talk to you, I won't)

Why do I expect you to understand
the hurt you caused today
when I don't understand it myself?
(I don't Know)

Now I will wonder if you ever
really want to talk to me or not.,
(... I'm sorry)

Please help me understand why
cause now I am so damn confused.
(I am confused also, with my feelings towards you...)

You block me cause you don't like to think
but was thinking truly that bad?
(thinking about someone leaving their husband,
and feeling I am the cause... yes it is bad
I know you say I am not... but if you were to leave,
and if we were to become more than friends
... I would feel real bad... and so I blocked you
so you could make up your mind to stay with him
or to leave without my interferance)

"Always the friend, hardly ever the boyfriend."

"I'm your friend, not your boyfriend.
I'm the one you run to when
you have problems with your boyfriend.
I'm the one you vent to.
The one you see as a brother.
Your confidant.
The one you hang out with all the time.
The one you think is the coolest guy in the world.
The one who knows exactly what to say to make you smile.
The one who always makes you feel better.
The crazy guy who can be serious when needed to be.
The one who shows you the affection you need when no one else will.
I'm the one you look at everyday,
but never see that I'm what you're looking for.
I'm the one who hurts everyday
just looking at you and knowing
that I'll never be anything more than your friend.
The one who lies awake at night
wishing you were holding me and I was holding you.
The one who will always love you.
The one who is always here for you.
The one who would do anything for you."

"Maybe one day you'll see
what's right in front of your face."

I'm the guy girls are friends with.
The one they talk to when
they have problems with their boyfriends.
The one they look at like a brother.
The one who will always be the friend.

To All The Blog Spammers On There

DAMN YOU ALL

quote

If you press me to say
why I loved you,
I can say no more
than because
you were you,
and I was I.

...

Can a person really feel so sad that they would want to hurt him or herslef? Is death really their only way out? Hell, it is hard to day. I guess it depends on how hard they have it. Everyone has problems whether your parents beat you or you have a a third eye. I mean anything could be a serious problem to a person, yes, even have a crooked nose could make someone feel depressed. It may sound funny but it is true. I admit there were times when I felt so horrible that I just wanted to die and never ever come back. That may seem dramatic, but I honetly felt that way. Right now it is not as much, but I do sometimes think that it would be better if I weren't here. I mean no one would even care if I were gone. I feel so useless. And I realize there are people out there with even worse problems than me. But at the end of the day, it it me and this is how I feel. I can't be those other people, so I don't know. However I am myself everyday, and I know when I feel like I am at rock bottom, with no hope of breaking the surface.I don't ever see myself being able to smile and completely be happy. just because of everything going on in my life right now. It really sucks. I won't go into detail on stuff, but trust me, it isn't good. But then nothing ever is.Oh God, give me a break already. I am only one person. I can not take all of this shit. I just wish someone would whisk me away from here. That would be extra nice. If not, at least someone have the decency to tell me they care. That is all I want. What else could someone ask for? I just honestly can't wait until it is all over. I just want to live and die, getting it all over with. I am not having any fun nor do I really have a lot to look forward to. This is not some "Pity Me" article, but just one to express my feelings. Or maybe I really am just pissed so I go into dramatic mode?I don't know. I have to go, since I am tired. Later.

Don't Judge Me by My Big Mouth

Here is something everyone should realize about me: Don't take everything I say seriously. I mean don't read what I write and think you know everything. No one except me knows what I am feeling or how I think. The only way to sort through my heart and feelings is writing about it. When I write about things, it is at least getting out of me. If I didn't write it, I would be sad all of the time, crying.

....And the Waves Rolled in Crashing on Me

I won't lie. It is hard. It is so hard to pick yourself up from being at rock bottom and keeping yourself at top. The hardest part is trying to maintain that height. It is difficult, because you know at one point you could make one false step and then sink all the way down. It is sort of like a boat. At the very beginning you could be floating prosperously and then something happens and you gradually sink, water gushing in at all sides. While at the bottom, you realize you want to patch up your holes and scars, so you begin to heal. Then you begin to come back to the top, becoming whole again. However who is to say that you won't become scarred again and sink back to the bottom? There are so many cautions and risks that it is hard to keep being optomistic. Wave after wave, I stay afloat, but what happens when another tsunami comes and I crash against the rocks? I don't know how to surivive that. I mean I am still recovering, getting better as the days pass. Yet somehow I think I will always have that one scar that will never heal. It will always remind me of stuff, as if it were blatantly cut across my hand. I would see it and be reminded constantly. I guess for those certain moments I will have to pretend I am blind. lol
Even though there are times I do feel down, I am happy. I am having fun and everyone around me tells me how I am a good person. It really helps me along. If it weren't for them I don't think I would be able to overcome anything. In the end as you know, you really only have people that love you. Everyone else just gets blended in the crowd. I am not sure if this entry makes sense to you, but it does for me.
It is important for me to get all of this out. I need to. It is better than keeping it all inside until one day I eventually explode.

STUPID COMMENTS

Ok For Whom Ever Is Commenting On My Blog, Its Great If You Like My Blog But Stop With The God Damn Advertising Shit, I Don't Care About This Shit You Are Trying To Sell Me, And If I Did I Would Be Able To Find It On My Own, I Don't Need You Coming Here And Telling Me Where To Get Stuff... If You Can't Comment And Not Plug A Product At The Same Time I Would Rather You Not Comment At All

sometimes II

Sometimes I wonder if I am the only sane person in the world.
Sometimes I'm too tired to think.
Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like
to live in a world where things make sense.
Sometimes I wonder if other people feel as screwed up as I do.
Sometimes I think the spirit of human beings are just amazing.
Sometimes I don't see the point in waking up.
Sometimes sleep seems like a waste of time.
Sometimes I wonder if I didn't write so much if I would drink more.
Sometimes I wonder if I will get old.
Sometimes I think I have all the answers.
Sometimes the questions are overwhelming.
Sometimes I fear having cancer.
Sometimes I say turn the music really loud.
Sometimes I think I share too much.
Sometimes I think I am a gift.
Sometimes I know it.
Sometimes I detest the wrapping paper.
Sometimes I dream about a land of smiles.
Sometimes I eat an entire bag of Doritos.
Sometimes I think I am obsessed with drinking water.
Sometimes I wonder if my friends are dissapointed in me.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents hoped
I would be more than I am.
Sometimes I love my smile.
Sometimes I hate it.
Sometimes I feel really up and really down
within minutes of one another.
Sometimes I joke about being bi-polar.
Sometimes I'm sure I am.
Sometimes I dislike my family.
Sometimes I feel overwhelming anxiety and cannot breath.
Sometimes I wish I didn't feel the need to explain.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever forgive my evil father.
Sometimes I don't think of him at all.
Sometimes I cry when I think about him
Sometimes I wonder if one can really wish on a star.
Sometimes I laugh when I see funny looking people.
Sometimes I want to cry when others laugh.
Sometimes I laugh at cruel jokes.
Sometimes I wish I could be like a comedian
and say whatever came into my head.
Sometimes I eat because I'm hurting.
Sometimes I want to knock myself out
for the night so I don't have to feel.
Sometimes I wonder why nobody ever picked up
on my anxiety and depression as a child.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find peace.
Sometimes I feel really happy.
Sometimes I smile no matter what happens and mean it.
Sometimes I wonder why people want to spend time with me.
Sometimes it scares me that I may be violent
towards woman because of my father... and his father.
Sometimes I feel like I don't belong everywhere.
Sometimes I wonder why I think the things I do.
Sometimes I wonder why other people don't seem to think at all.
Sometimes I understand completley why people
become drug addicts / alcoholics etc.
Sometimes I say NO, when I wanted to say yes.
Sometimes I feel very sentimenal and wish for days gone by.
Sometimes I pretend I just don't hear stuff.
Sometimes I wish I really didn't hear.
Sometimes I don't laugh enough.
Sometimes I wonder why I don't like talking on the phone.
Sometimes I wonder why I don't always
put my keys down on the same spot.
Sometimes I think I'm crazy.
Sometimes I know I am.
Sometimes I think people wish they were me.
Sometimes I feel like an observer.
Sometimes I am the only participant.
Sometimes I wonder why I care!
Sometimes I contemplate suicide.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone would notice if I am not here.
Sometimes I hope we were all rich.
Sometimes I wish I could save the world.
Sometimes I cry for you.
Sometimes I ache inside for no reason.
Sometimes it feels like I swallowed sunshine.
Sometimes I bite my bottom lip when I'm anxious.
Sometimes I cry for no reason.
Sometimes I imagine allot of things I shouldn't be imagining.
Sometimes I laugh for obscure things.
Sometimes I wish nobody could see me.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't so loud.
Sometimes I wish I could just fly away.
Sometimes I dream about evil spirits chasing me.
It is like a horror movie and only the sign of a cross
is going to save me.
Sometimes I think I am that spirit.
Sometimes I think I am that cross.
Sometimes I think God is trying to tell me something.
Sometimes I think the Devil is poking me.
Sometimes I don't want to talk.
Sometimes I can't stop.
Sometimes I know I can be whatever I want to be.
Sometimes I just have to get past this moment.
Sometimes I smile just because I am alive.
Sometimes I cry because others are dead.
Sometimes I cannot imagine ever smiling again.
Sometimes there is just so much of me I don't know how to contain it.
Sometimes I forgive and forget.
Sometimes I can only remember.
Sometimes it feels like this is only the beginning.
Sometimes it feels like this is the end.

A Great Escape

Closing my eyes, brings me to a happier place and a happier time. 
just like laying in my bed in the middle of the day writing poems,
and listening to music doing the things I love to do.
Slowly I drift away... leaves sway, the air blows slightly towards my window. 
Am I awake or half-asleep.. or maybe I was shifted into another dimension 
into a place where possibilities are endless and I can dream 
about anything for as long as I want.

Who am I to believe?
Who am I to hope?

That's not the way it goes for what I am is just a dreamer.


With smiles greeting me as I walk forward, waving with welcoming arms.
please take me as I am for I am not broken. Take me as a friend 
and I will keep you in my heart. I began to realize 
that these were mere illusions of the mind, 
or maybe its your own mind that tells you what is happening..

I cry...

For why does all forms of happiness seem to be a distant dream?
don't I deserve to wake up feeling good about myself and about
the things around me? is it unfair?

I am not perfect, I never said I was.
This I ask a simple question,
tell me are you?

.......... That's what I thought.

I wish people would learn to appreciate more about the things we do for them.. 
the efforts we put up for that simple joy it brings us 
when we see them smile knowing that we had brought 
something in their lives.. something that is given and not bought
the joy it brings knowing they appreciated everything.
hoping that it would wake them up one day 
and realize how they neglected us most of the time...
how they turned their backs you as if you didn't matter,
and may they realize how much they offended your being
and see the pride-swallowing siege you go through 
only for the purpose of making them understand.. 
so that for at least once in your life they may see the good side of you.

I care for the people close to my heart,
even though most of the time I don't get the same caring back.
I guess that's my fate.. that's how it is going to be for the rest of my life.

Its like what happens in the movies where someone
would give a lot of effort for someone or something
that they hold so dear.. but life is not a fairytale that
ends with a happy ending.. At times, in reality it's the
other way around because people won't always value
what you do for them.. Only when you're gone will they
know how much you really mean to them..

Only when you're gone
will they realize that they did in fact cared but never showed it
only when you're gone will they tell themselves that
you actually made a difference somewhere, somehow in their lives
and finally see what a fool they had been for not realizing how
much you cared for they we're too busy looking for your
flaws, loop holes which consumed and blinded them
from seeing that you only want the best for that person
and how most of the time... they gone to believe 
that you're whole existence was nothing
but a big cliché based on text book definitions..

I tell you this, those are the people who chose to close their hearts.
people get scared.. of getting too close, I wish you could only see me
through the eyes of the people who cares for me the most. My Family.

Little things.. just little things..

Embrace me.. make me feel that you care.
Say hi and say goodnight.
Greet me when my birthday comes
Appreciate the things I do and think less of my flaws
Don't judge me just by a single mistake
Look at me with a smiling face
Don't kick me when I fall down
Understand me.
Look for me when I'm gone.
Lift me up when I seem lost
Help me when I am weak
Tell me you're sorry if you had hurt me
Hurt me only if you really want to
Be nice to me if you think I deserve it
Say thank you for it makes it all worthwhile
Please listen to what I have to say
Don't ignore me when I reach out for your hand
Don't mislead me, and don't show me make believe
Don't hate me just because others do
Leave me only when you want to, and not because they tell you to.
Accept me and love me for who I am
I am not perfect but I stand before you as a true person
Treat me as a person, for I have feelings too.

I don't understand why others think of me as a different individual,
am I not human like you? Just because I express myself in a different
way doesn't mean I am not like you. We all are different.. And why
do other people say that I'm too hard to understand, Maybe it's because
you didn't listen close enough, for you were only hearing what I say,
not listening. Or maybe you didn't want to go that far,
maybe that's all you can give.. that's all you want to.. because you did
not want to go the extra mile. You didn't give me that much of a chance


All my efforts were a loss..
I tried everything, the best way I can..
but I guess people couldn't understand someone
that they do not wish to get to know.. get inside..
many years of knowing me doesn't quite tell
you my entire story..

you think you know me..
you have no idea.

For how could you learn to understand someone if
you don't believe in that person in the first place.

This isn't about pleading, this isn't about depression
this isn't about calling for attention


This is about a Great Escape.
where my thoughts play.. where my thoughts count


maybe you weren't listening.
you were simply Judging.


I want to believe.. I want to know... I want to learn. I want to live.


Its hard to trust yourself, your own judgment for most of the time
your mind doesn't go along your heart.
at times when you know things will hurt in the end
you still choose to follow your heart, just for that simple
moments of joy you want to conceive even though the price
is more hurting than that few moments of bliss


You tell yourself that it just happens because its out of your hands..
and maybe out of their hands too..


And you know that it doesn't mean anything, still you want to believe
even though you know that it doesn't.. you convince yourself that it
might mean something, but it doesn't.


Love is full of happiness, full of laughter..
loving and being loved back is a blessing
but loving and not being loved back is a torment.


It burns.. it kills..
and you don't know how much longer
you can stand.. how much longer can you hold on.. hang on..
but even though it breaks you, takes you away..
you still struggle.. you crawl... trying to get back up and
not lose the fight


But what are you fighting for? is it worth it?
if what you are fighting for is pure.. then by all means.. don't give up


The sad part is.. who told you to fight anyways? who told you to hold on?
who told you that there is hope in the end of a dark tunnel?


And who told you that the person or thing you are fighting for wants you to fight.


They don't.. sadly they don't.


And you just made a big fool out of yourself.


You tell yourself that its more than you can take.. you tell yourself that
its time to let go.. its time to look the other way.


But what is there to look at? when you know that what makes you happy is on the
other way.. the way that you said you cant go through any longer.


The truth is, nobody said that there's an easy way.


The hardest path is always the path that makes us happy.


what makes me happy.




Then I woke up, in my bed with a teardrop in my eye..
it was just a dream.. yes I think it was just a dream.


I've been living in a dream all along. a dream where we could almost
share.. where we could almost live happily ever after


You and Me.


A dream where you love me, the same way I love you..
a dream where I know you can be mine and I am all yours.


But like I said it was just a dream for nothing that feels so
good could be a reality.


Warm hugs.. holding you right here with me. believing
that it could be something more than just my imagination.


but I know I was merely fantasizing.. wishing.


And as for you... you don't remember anything for you
weren't really there. What good is a hug if you know that
the person didn't know it ever took place?


Like I said.. you know its going to hurt but you still believe..
you want to believe...






And the biggest fool of them all is yourself

sometimes

Sometimes I understand more than you know.
Sometimes I care more about you
more than you could possibly imagine.
Sometimes I feel thankful.
Sometimes I can see your face clearly in my mind.
Sometimes I cannot recall your voice.
Sometimes I feel loved.
Sometimes I eat ice cream at midnight.
Sometimes people irritate me.
Sometimes I wonder why people read the shit I write.
Sometimes I'm a pain in the ass.
Sometimes I regret a lot of stuff.
Sometimes I wish I were in therapy.
Sometimes I wish I slept less.
Sometimes I don't want to hear what you have to say.
Sometimes I need to.
Sometimes I should just let things go.
Sometimes I just can't.
Sometimes I wonder who will take my call at 3am.
Sometimes I feel all alone.
Sometimes I cry because you are crying.
Sometimes I enjoy being me.
Sometimes I hear my fathers voice in my head.
Sometimes I want to sit in a corner and not come out.
Sometimes I fear rejection.
Sometimes I think I've said too much.
Sometimes I don't care.
Sometimes I am scared to write how I feel
Sometimes I hate being misunderstood.
Sometimes I wish I could just be with you.

Sometimes I am amazed at my insecurity.
Sometimes I feel like I have lost my way.
Sometimes I wonder what other people are thinking at 3am.
Sometimes I wonder what my father thinks
when he looks back on his life.
Sometimes I wonder if God is a God of mercy
then why do some people suffer so much.
Sometimes I feel like a fake.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by reality.
Sometimes I really do not care what other people think.
Sometimes I get really angry and my heart pounds.
Sometimes I feel so frustrated I could scream.
Sometimes I silently scream so loud that my head hurts.
Sometimes I wonder if people will stop loving me.
Sometimes I think to myself "fuck them!"
Sometimes I just hurt.
Sometimes I just do not understand what is going on.
Sometimes I don't care.
Sometimes I love being alive.
Sometimes I know that I am my own greatest enemy.
Sometimes I feel comforted by having been true to myself.
Sometimes I close my eyes and let my imagination go.
Sometimes people seem awfully shallow to me.
Sometimes I don't seem to grasp that other people
love me with as much love, forgiveness, understanding
and compassion as I love them.
Sometimes I am jealous.
Sometimes I wonder how many pills I would have to take
to make sure I am dead when morning comes.
Sometimes I wonder if I would leave a note.

Sometimes I hate myself for even thinking about ending my life.

Sometimes I find it harder to receive than to give.
Sometimes I appreciate the little things more than the big.
Sometimes I do not know how to accept a compliment.
Sometimes I wish I could make right
everything that has ever caused you pain.
Sometimes I wish someone loved me
with as much enthusiasm as I imagine love to be.
Sometimes I'm not enough.
Sometimes I say I am fine when I am not.
Sometimes sorry isn't enough.
Sometimes I am the most together person you will ever meet.
Sometimes I read blogs and cry for people I don't know.
Sometimes I read blogs and laugh with people I have never met.
Sometimes I read blogs and think people are just whack.
Sometimes I read blogs, and worry about people I have never met.
Sometimes I'm afraid that I will get up and leave and never come back.
Sometimes I cannot believe that you cannot love me.
Sometimes I don't want any of you to know what I think.
Sometimes I am sure nobody will speak to me again
after the things I write or say.
Sometimes I am afraid.
Sometimes the silence of the night is comforting.
Sometimes the darkness clutches me in fear.
Sometimes I wish I didn't feel anything at all.
Sometimes I wish you could see me as I truly am...
Sometimes I wish you will love me anyway.

My Horoscope

Free your mind,
and the rest will follow.
You've been putting up
lots and lots of rules,
boundaries and strictures
that govern your life,
but as of late,
you might be finding them
more burdensome than helpful.
If that's the case,
it's time to examine
what you're so intent
on keeping out of your life
that you needed to build
these real and imaginary fences.
You're ready to spread your wings,
but first you need to unlock
that cage you've built. How true is that of me... And I have been thinking that the mask I wear each day
And the walls I put up are no longer working.... I guess I need to bust out
I think I am going to need help getting out of my cage though, I made it fool proof
Well Enough for now, I'll write more later.

The Sad Thing In Life

The sad thing in life is,
when you meet someone
who means a lot to you,
only to find out in the end
that it was never meant to be,
and you just have to let go.
When a door of happiness closes,
another opens but often,
we look so long at the closed door
that we don’t see the one
which has been opened for us.


Giving someone all your love
is never an assurance that they’ll love you back.
There are things you’d love to hear
that you would never hear
from the person who you would like
to hear them from, but don’t be so deaf
as not to hear it from the one
who says it from the heart.

Love comes to those who still hope
although they’ve been betrayed,
to those who still need love
although they’ve been hurt before,
and to those who have
the courage and faith
to build trust again.

Happiness lies for those who cry,
those who hurt, those who have searched,
and those who have tried, for only they
can appreciate the importance
of people who have touched their lives.
The brightest future will always be
based on a forgotten past,
you can’t go well in life until
you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When Looking For Love

Guys

find a girl who calls you babe or baby face instead of hot or sexy...
... who can't stand it when you hang up on her ...
... who would sit there for hours looking into your eyes ...

wait for the one who doesn't care what you look like, but what's inside counts the most...


... who looks at you with the twinkle in her eyes and kisses you on the cheek instead of the lips ...
... who wants to be with you in public...
... who makes you smile just by knowing she loves you back.

wait for the girl who is a constant reminder of your happiness and joy.

wait for the girl who you give piggy back rides in public and she still is in view of her friends, while she gets off and you hear her go: "you're the one for me, for always."

Girls
find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot ...
... who calls you back when you hang up on him ...
... who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

wait for the boy who kisses your forehead ...
... who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats ...
... who holds your hand in front of his friends ...
... who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on.

wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.

wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "... that's her."

The Game Of Life

There Is Only One Rule In The Game Of Life.... And That Is That Eventually, Everyone Must Stop Playing

loneliness

Loneliness... I fear it... I loathe it Yet loneliness and I have been companions for some time now
Each week It seems My heart breaks more While loneliness creeps closer and closer No one Seems to think that I could be lonely And therefore the loneliness grows As my heart swells with fear My greatest fear can only be loneliness For if you want to escape You have to wait
for someone who cares To come and break you out of the prison cell Which loneliness has built up over the years I have waited a long time for that someone, And yet only loneliness is there
Each time I hear a call I run to the prison bars And look out But all I see is loneliness Looking back at me And I know That it is one of loneliness's tricks Yet again and again I hear a call
And again and again I run to see Hoping that it is the one And again all I see is loneliness
Staring back at me The loneliness loves to watch me shrink back against the wall In fear
In sorrow In my weakened state Tremors rack my body as I ask Why has everybody left?
Why haven't you come to free me? Why am I so powerless and fearful? and only loneliness answers back

Sugar, We're Going Down

Here are the lyrics to my new favorite song by Fall Out Boy
Am I more than you bargained for yet
I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear
Cause that's just who I am this week
Lie in the grass, next to the mausoleum
I'm just a notch in your bedpost
But you're just a line in a song

Drop a heart, break a name
We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team

We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded Gun complex, cock it and pull it

Is this more than you bargained for yet
Oh don't mind me I'm watching you two from the closet
Wishing to be the friction in your jeans
Isn't it messed up how I'm just dying to be him
I'm just a notch in your bedpost
But you're just a line in a song

Drop a heart, break a name
We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team

We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded Gun complex, cock it and pull it

Down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded Gun complex, cock it and pull it

We're going down, down in an earlier round (Take aim at myself)
And Sugar, we're going down swinging (Take back what you said)
I'll be your number one with a bullet (Take aim at myself)
A loaded Gun complex, cock it and pull it

We're going down, down (down, down)
Down, down (down, down)
We're going down, down (down, down)
A loaded Gun complex, cock it and pull it

We're going down, down in an earlier round (Take aim at myself)
And Sugar, we're going down swinging (Take back what you said)
I'll be your number one with a bullet (Take aim at myself)
A loaded Gun complex, cock it and pull it

Check Out My New Website

Swimming ThroughThe Ashes Of Another Life

You Were There

Time passes, the world changes
But I'm still the same ole' kid
And your jokes still bring me laughter
As if you still were here
And it hurts when I smile
'Cause my heart still remembers
When you were around

'Cause you were there
When no one was
Just when I thought nobody cared
You showed me love
'Cause you were my friend
You always told me
And I am still here
Because you were there

So precious, small treasures
A time when truth was innocent
True friendship, was all we were after
A place where kids could still be kids
And it hurts but I'm glad
'Cause at least I was blessed
To have you as my friend

You're my best friend
There are no accidents
God has a plan for everyone
And he brought you in my life
To show me what a good friendship was

Cause you were there
When no one was
Just when I thought nobody cared
You showed me love
Cause you were my friend
You always told me
And I am still here
Because you were there

The Hardest Thing

What Hurts

1. Letting go of a person you've just learned to love. (ouucchhh, it hurts)

2. Reminiscing the good times you shared together.

3. Shielding your heart from loving somebody.

4. Trying to hide what you really feel.

5. Trying to hide the tears that involuntarily fall from your eyes.

6. Loving a person too much.

7. Giving up someone you never thought of giving up.

8. Having the right love at the wrong time.

9. Taking the risk to fall in love again.

10. Hiding your relationship from someone else.

11. Controlling your feelings to avoid hurting a friend.

12. Letting go, because every time you see the person, you only fall deeper.

13. Holding back only to find out its too late, you both felt the same way,
but were only scared to lose each other so much that you didn't let the feelings out.

14. Falling in love with someone you didn't mean to fall in love with.

15. Finding the perfect girl with only one problem. She doesn't love you. The way you want her to.

16. Helping the one you love with problems she is haveing with the one she loves.

17. Seeing the one you love crying for someone else.

18. The waiting also hurts like hell.

19. Having to hear, " I've met someone"

20. Agreeing to her wish to just be friends.

21. Hearing she'd be happier with somebody else.

22. Asking you to forget that everything happened and be normal friends again.

23. Hearing that you're thought of as a brother.

24. Hearing her future plans with you not involved.

25. You stopped being friends because her bf asked her to.

26. Being denied in front of people.

27. Telling you lies where she'd been when actually, she was with a new "friend" or an old flame.

28. She told you she'd be leaving you to return to her ex (the one she left for you!)

29. Breaking someone's heart.

30. Fighting for that one thing that would make you happy; that is, holding on to a person who can not guarantee you her commitment unless she fix herself, then you are left hanging for a moment. Then she says, time will tell. but you still decided to hope in her and trust her.

31. Pretending you're OK when inside you're dying.

32. Pretending to be strong and recognizing your weaknesses.

33. Lying in bed each night, thinking of that special person you can never have.

34. Being with someone you can't actually love.

35. Pretending you don't love a person whom you actually love.

36. Being in love.

37. Letting go even if you really don't want to; having no right to say you are hurting because it was your decision.

38. Seeing the person you love hurt because of you and not being able to help that person.

39. Having the courage to say I LOVE YOU to the person you love and finding out afterwards that the things will never be the same again when she doesn't treat you with the same closeness as before.

40. Having to face the fact that someone is capable of completely destroying the wall that you have set for yourself, leaving you weak and vulnerable.

41. Admitting that you love someone despite her imperfections.

42. Finding out that the more you try to hate HER, the more you end up loving her,
perhaps even more than before.

43. Realizing how stupid your mistakes were that led to your break-up.

44. The thought that this person, used to really love you and you loved her
as well knowing you didn't give enough or that she gave up on you.

45. Sharing the one you love with SOMEBODY else.

46. Seeing your partner battle for death.

47. Making a promise. And realizing that when the time has come
for that promise to be delivered, the commitment is no longer there..

48. Believing love exists after you've been hurt.

49. Learning to forgive, learning to forget, learning to trust and learning to love again.

50. But the hardest thing really is learning to love yourself. We tend to forget to do this. Always.