Rude Much?

I had a coffee and maybe dinner thing set up with a guy I'm talking to. It was fairly loose, you know, we decided to meet at the cafe between 5:30 and 6:00. No big deal. I was going to try to be there at 5:30 so he didn't have to wait around for me, but I didn't make it until about a quarter to. I didn't see him when I got there, so I grabbed a coffee and sat down to wait.

About five minutes to six, I get a text. He won't be in town until 7:30ish. He's still at his house. He didn't notice the time.

Excuse the hell out of me, but... What?!

Look, I could understand being fifteen or even thirty minutes late. I wouldn't be happy about it, but it happens. I've done it. In fact I pretty much would have expected it from him, despite having no history to base it on. I probably would have giggled and teased him about it when he got there.

An hour and a half, though? When there is no emergency, no traffic, no anything at all? He is going to be an hour and a half late because he was at his house, and didn't look at the clock?

Damn, that makes me feel important. I'm sure as hell glad that I asked him to come here, rather than driving down to visit him. An hour and a half late while I'm in a strange town would piss me right the hell off.

...Not that I'm happy about it now, of course.

Sentence -- never to be spoken.

"Listen, regardless of what
you think about me
or where you fit into his life,
you're going to need
to understand and accept the fact
that he and I are best friends
and that we are always
going to be best friends."

It would be easier

It would be so much easier
if I knew I could walk
the halls of my life
without memories taped
like a kick-me sign
to my consciousness.

It would be so much easier
to say goodbye were it not
for the memory of hello.

I want to be able to live
as though I never loved you at all.
And part of me doesn't think I can.

why on earth. . .

. . . do we tell everyone we're doing fine when we are clearly not fine?

My opinion: misery does not love company. Misery has company over all the time. Imagine seeing the same person day in and day out, with not a moment's peace. Not even in the bathroom. No one likes that much attention. But Misery's got it.

People almost enjoy being sad. If you see a happy person, you probably think they're a twit. Optimistic fool! Everyone knows life sucks! That's why we say we're fine: because everyone expects us to be fine. We've all got problems, why put the spotlight on yours like they're something special?

But does life suck, really? Or do we just make ourselves believe it sucks because our own little lives can feel like they've been flushed down the toilet? I think that maybe, maybe we really are fine. Maybe a lot of us make ourselves feel like we shouldn't be happy because that's just not cool these days.

Or maybe we've got the definition of happiness blown out of proportion. Maybe we think happiness is something that's constant. But happiness isn't everlasting, it comes and goes. As for misery, we can make ourselves depressed anytime for any reason. And it almost is constant, because we let it stick around. It's an old friend. Happiness is a mysterious stranger that comes over once in a while, has its way with you and takes off in the morning.

(I really don't know where I was going with that or if I even mean it.)

I had wrote and was about to post an entry about my "breakup" (that happened yesterday evening).

And then, Voila. Blogger had an accident, and all 3425 words gone.

If I can stab technology over the Internet, I’d do it with a knife 24 times on 24 different occasions in accordance with my bipolar schizophrenic mood swings just to be in time to blow all 24 candles on my expected upcoming birthday dark chocolate/mocha ice-cream layer cake (gigantic hint in your face like duh~).

if it takes my whole life, i won't break, I won't bend

In less that 20 days another full year of life will have come and gone. It's truly unbelievable. Sure, there were many times when it felt like the clock kept rewinding and repeating, but all in all, looking back, I feel like I've literally been thrust through this past year at an alarming rate. It's amazing how nothing and everything has happened in the past 12 months. At times, I felt like my entire world was shifting beneath my feet, and I was completely powerless to stop it. Other times, it seemed like very little happened over the course of the year, at least on a major scale. I've made friends, and have a great new best friend. Developed romantic crushes (yes, more than one), and learned some hard lessons. As I sit here and write down my thoughts, I can honestly say I am still the same old guy I've been fired through an entirely different world of dynamic and complicated situations, but I suppose I'm not really all that different. Perhaps a bit taller, perhaps a bit wiser, but some things never change. As I have learned this past year of life, some things I will never get right, some things I might have to continually refine for the rest of my existence, and some things I may have already mastered. Regardless, it has been one wild year.

So, where do I stand now?

I've stargazed with potential love interests, dressed up in drag for Halloween, enjoyed countless movies alongside good friends, shared many laughs over some good drinks, played many games of scrabble with two of my best friends, sung a few fun songs, had some great coffee, been overtaken by many a sunset, went to dennys at ungodly hours, journeyed through mysterious graveyards, gone for exhausting hikes, written many blog posts, prepared snacks, been enlightened, been angry, been depressed, tried to help out some friends, been heartbroken, acted like a complete goof, and caught a few tears (and a few kisses). Right now, I feel like welcoming the coming year of my life with open arms, because believe me, this has also probably been the hardest year of my life thus far. I've learned so many things only to be baffled by a hundred more.

I'm ready for another start. This entire year has been about getting my feet off the ground.
Well, I've finally done just that, and now it's time to keep going. Sometimes it's sad to think that the only way to become who you really are requires a significant amount of time to first get a little direction. You think, "If only I could have started sooner, this year may not have been all about the journey to get to a better place." But in any case, I suppose the journey itself is the most important part, not the destination. I realize now that having put myself through the trials and tribulations of this past year, I feel prepared for anything. Let my love come when it comes.
Let my greatest inspirations as a writer hit me when they hit me. Though there will always be frustrations and painful moments we'd just as soon forget, I find comfort in the fact that this isn't the end of it all. Whatever missed opportunities flew past us this time around will come back again at full speed very soon. Nothing's lost forever. Things change, of course, but every moment, every thought, every emotion is too real to forget. Once it's here, it stays. The spirit of our former selves is always within us, no matter how willing we might be to crush it. There is always love, there is always pain, and there will always be experiences. I can't refuse to live, because as far as I'm concerned, that's just impossible. Whatever we do, we're making a memory, and I for one consider myself very lucky to make them alongside some truly fantastic people.

So, I have very few regrets (yes, there are inevitably some). There were most definitely signals I didn't pick up on, conversations that could have been steered differently, relationships that could have been explored instead of neglected, and life-changing choices that could have been made.
However, in spite of all of that, I can be assured only a more exciting future.

"What will come will come, and you'll just have to meet it when it does."
-J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Self Righteous?

So I got an email today from someone who came and visited my page, telling me that I am self righteous.

---

self-righ·teous (-'rI-ch&s, adj.)¹

convinced of one's own righteousness especially in contrast with the actions and beliefs of others : narrow-mindedly moralistic

nar·row-mind·ed ("nar-O-'mIn-d&d, "nar-&-, adj.)

lacking in tolerance or breadth of vision : petty

from Merriam-Webster

---

I suppose maybe this describes me, in the very broadest sense of the word. I do believe that my personal morals are the best available. Then again, if I didn't think that, they wouldn't be my morals. So I guess if you want to think of it that way, everyone is self-righteous.

But I don't think the definition is supposed to be quite that broad. I don't see myself as being accurately described as narrow-minded in any aspect of my personality, for one thing. Everything I do and everything I believe is a result of careful thought and a lot of option-weighing. And I'll admit readily that what's right for me isn't right for everyone. My personal moral code doesn't work for anyone who isn't me. And that's a lot of people. Let's see, subtract one from the total population of the universe...

People who believe in something (like "homosexuality is wrong") without any real thought put into it ("because the Bible says so" does not constitute thought) can be described as self-righteous, especially if they try to force-feed their opinion to the rest of the population. But I don't do that and I never have. In fact high on my list of morals is to not shove my morals down others' throats. I may write them down somewhere (hmmm, like this web page?), but I won't be going up to someone on the street and start telling them how to run their life. Just writing them down lets you choose to read them if you want or ignore the whole page and go somewhere you find more interesting.

Got a problem with that?

Dear Readers

Hey guys, I'm writing today to ask you all to do me a favor. It won't cost you any money, and it's also a fun way to learn new words, and help feed hungry people across the world at the same time. Go to my links page, and click on the new link, it's the last one on the page.

Thanks for your time,
Chris

Secrets

More Enneagram

Wing Type 5 - The Investigator

People of this personality type essentially fear that they don't have enough inner strength to face life, so they tend to withdraw, to retreat into the safety and security of the mind where they can mentally prepare for their emergence into the world. Fives feel comfortable and at home in the realm of thought. They are generally intelligent, well read and thoughtful and they frequently become experts in the areas that capture their interest. While they are sometimes scientifically oriented, especially with the Six wing, just as many Fives are drawn to the humanities and it is not at all uncommon for Fives to have artistic inclinations. Fives are often a bit eccentric; they feel little need to alter their beliefs to accommodate majority opinion, and they refuse to compromise their freedom to think just as they please. The problem for Fives is that while they are comfortable in the realm of thought, they are frequently a good deal less comfortable when it comes to dealing with their emotions, the demands of a relationship, or the need to find a place for themselves in the world. Fives tend to be shy, nonintrusive, independent and reluctant to ask for the help that others might well be happy to extend to them.

Fives are sensitive; they don't feel adequately defended against the world. To compensate for their sensitivity, Fives sometimes adopt an attitude of careless indifference or intellectual arrogance, which has the unfortunate consequence of creating distance between themselves and others. Trying to bridge the distance can be difficult for Fives, as they are seldom comfortable with their social skills, but when they do manage it, they are often devoted friends and life long companions.

Fives are usually somewhat restrained when it comes to emotional expression, but they often have stronger feelings than they let on. Few people know what is going on beneath the surface, as Fives have an often exaggerrated need for privacy and a deep seated fear of intrusion. Because of their sensitivity and their fears of inadequacy, Fives fear being overwhelmed, either by the demands of others or by the strength of their own emotions. They sometimes deal with this by developing a minimalistic lifestyle in which they make few demands on others in exchange for few demands being made on them. Other Fives make their peace with the messiness of life and engage it more fully, but they almost always retain their fears that life is somehow going to demand more of them than they can deliver.

Conflicted between trust and distrust

Enneagram Type 6 - The Loyalist

People of this personality type essentially feel insecure, as though there is nothing quite steady enough to hold onto. At the core of the type Six personality is a kind of fear or anxiety. This anxiety has a very deep source and can manifest in a variety of different styles, making Sixes somewhat difficult to describe and to type. What all Sixes have in common however, is the fear rooted at the center of their personality, which manifests in worrying, and restless imaginings of everything that might go wrong. This tendency makes Sixes gifted at trouble shooting, but also robs the Six of much needed peace of mind and tends to deprive the personality of spontaneity. The essential anxiety at the core of the type Six fixation tends to permeate the personality with a sort of "defensive suspiciousness." Sixes don't trust easily; they are often ambivalent about others, until the person has absolutely proven herself, at which point they are likely to respond with steadfast loyalty. The loyalty of the Six is something of a two edged sword however, as Sixes are sometimes prone to stand by a friend, partner, job or cause even long after it is time to move on.

Sixes are generally looking for something or someone to believe in. This, combined with their general suspiciousness, gives rise to a complicated relationship to authority. The side of the Six which is looking for something to believe in, is often very susceptible to the temptation to turn authority over to an external source, whether it be in the form of an individual or a creed. But the Six's tendency towards distrust and suspicion works against any sort of faith in authority. Thus, two opposite pulls exist side by side in the personality of enneatype Six, and assume different proportions in different individuals, sometimes alternating within the same individual.

The truly confounding element when it comes to typing Sixes is that there are two fundamentally different strategies that Sixes adopt for dealing with fear. Some Sixes are basically phobic. Phobic Sixes are generally compliant, affiliative and cooperative. Other Sixes adopt the opposite strategy of dealing with fear, and become counterphobic, essentially taking a defiant stand against whatever they find threatening. This is the Six who takes on authority or who adopts a dare devil attitude towards physical danger. Counterphobic Sixes can be agressive and, rather than looking for authorities, can adopt a rebellious or anti-authoritarian demeanor. Counterphobic Sixes are often unaware of the fear that motivates their actions. In fact, Sixes in general, tend to be blind to the extent of their own anxiety. Because it is the constant back drop to all of their emotions, Sixes are frequently unaware of its existence, as they have nothing with which to contrast it.

If you want to take this test, click on the title of this post to go to the site.

Maybe It's ...

This is from a good friend of mine

Maybe it's the way he cries.

Tears fall from his eyes, but they seem to come from the very depths of his soul. It's as if the salty liquid has traveled through-out his body, from his toes to his fingers and up. When he cries, it's like watching each drop find it's way home.

You try to touch him -- console him -- but even your arms can't keep him with you. When he cries, he is far away and lost. This sadness comes from a place that you cannot even imagine, much less reach. It makes you feel inadequate. It makes you feel strong. When he cries, he reminds you with silence how much you are needed.

Or maybe it's the way he smiles. That gleam in his eye cannot be mistaken for anything but love. Even the harshest people must weaken when they see him smile. His smile may not light a room, but it somehow lights my soul. He smiles at you, and it reveals everything.

Maybe it's the way he pushes your buttons until the very last moment, then flutters obedience in his lashes. He knows all the right things to say and do to get you to the brink of anger, without going over the edge. He sends that impish grin your way, knowing exactly where you are. Just when you think you're going to have to berate him to get him to obey, he lowers her eyes, tilts his head, and does exactly what he should.

Maybe it's as simple as a single word, spoken in an awed whisper -- that word that is only for you. Maybe thats all it takes to mean love.

Tarot Dream

I don't remember what
the first two cards meant, sorry.
I think they were just describing me & my past,
so maybe not so important.

The third card she pulled said that I had a choice of two paths.
I needed to make a decision.

The fourth, that this had to do with my 'impulsive nature.'

The fifth said I should 'go with the one that commands.'

During the reading, she was constantly asking
if any of it made sense to me. And really it doesn't

Afterward, though, she got a puzzled look.
"I think I did it backwards," she said,
and gathered the cards back up.
As she was shuffling to start over,
my alarm went off.

I know that I will never have it all figured out.
But sometimes I long for the perfection
that other people seemingly have.
Right now I really want a day
that I can call my own
without something getting in the way.
The last couple of years have been hard
and I have gotten way off track
and I wonder if all the work I did is gone,
or is it hiding just waiting to come out again.

Right now I want to become new with the spring.

Vermont towns vote to arrest Bush and Cheney

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Voters in two Vermont towns on Tuesday approved a measure that would instruct police to arrest President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney for "crimes against our Constitution," local media reported.....

To read the rest of the story, click the title to this post

Prayers Of The Ederly

on the table near the window,
my grandmother keeps a prayer journal
and daily fills it like a ledger,

prayers on the left

answers on the right.

there is a kind of holy,
fervent mathematics
to her private worry---

calculations between
Please, God and

Thank You.

my hands are red and oily, the rag raw
as i begin polishing the last wooden thing.

on the left she asks God---
"...that my grandson find a job"

(the right still blank)

i close the book and dust beneath it,
and throw the rag in to wash.

I'm Sorry

there are so many people to whom i owe phonecalls.
people who have been going through difficult times.
people who need other people to reach out and acknowledge their pain.

i'm sorry. i haven't been there for you.

what i offer is not in the way of an excuse
but, hopefully, an opportunity for insight into my behavior:

i, too, am lonely. and struggling.
most days it is a challenge to answer the phone,
let alone pick it up and dial out.
i never really learned how to communicate effectively.
what i learned, instead,
was how to stash my emotions away
in cloistered rooms of my conscious and subconscious mind
where they couldn't be effectively accessed.
by myself. by others.
where they aren't able to lend their full potential
to the project of influencing---or determining---my actions.

what i need you to know is that i do care.
i think about all of you.
i think about what it must be like to be you,
to be experiencing what you are,
to be making daily choices based on
what information and resources are available to you.
what, specifically, those choices, information and resources might be.
how you feel afterward. i wonder about you.
i wonder what thoughts fill your mind
when you sit down to a meal,
when you step into the shower,
when you lock your front door,
when you get in your car.

i care.

i just haven't figured out how
to harmonize my own problems with yours
in a way that allows us to connect.
i haven't figured out how to extend myself
inject myself into your world
in a more real way than by consideration alone.
how to SHOW you i care.
how to show you i care without feeling frustrated or further isolated.
how to reconcile conflicting emotions and desires.

even now i know what i want to tell you and i am failing.

i love you.

i miss you.

you are important.

and i am sorry.

fight-or-flight

i wonder if, perhaps,
some fury, (as opposed to anger,)
and some sadness, (as opposed to depression,)
could be secondary emotional responses
to the primary emotional response of fear.
if the physio-psychological fight-or-flight response
in humans is activated by a perceived threat,
(which, definitionally, involves the feeling of fear,)
then maybe the fury or the sadness
which often follows is an emotional result
of whichever of the two parts
of the overal response mechanism was taken up;
fight or flight, respectively.

for example: you're driving down the freeway,
someone suddenly whips around
and cuts you off, going very fast.
you might not take note of it,
but it scares the hell out of you for a split second.
(i realize i'm making an assumption,
but i think it's a fair assumption;
a situation like the one described is,
indeed, quite dangerous and, therefore,
has vast potential to produce fear.)
what you might instead note is that you feel furious
and that you become agressive,
trying to "get back" at the driver.

i wonder, too, if some kinds of depression
are psychological states produced and maintained by a sense,
(typically unrealized by the sufferer,) of failing, or having failed,
to fully engage, emotionally/mentally/physically,
with every challenge and problem of life.
a protraction of the aforementioned sadness
that results from having failed to fully engage,
(whatever that means for an individual,)
with the threatening/fear-producing situation.

i'm sorry. i'm probably not making a lot of sense.
and there are far too many
commas, parentheses, semicolons and wisps of ideas
trailing behind the asses of other ideas like snail slime.
there's a lot i want to express,
but i seem to be unable to put into words
precisely what i am thinking.
quite aside from the fact that these are all mere musings...

do you realize that you have the most beautiful face?

Sometimes I accept that
it's perfectly alright
to go through things on my own.
After all, no one was there
holding my hand,
helping me make a wreck of my life.
I feel it's important I find a way
to depend on myself
to pick up the pieces.
It's almost second nature to,
at all costs, avoid burdening
anyone else with my worries.
But at the end of the day,
it's heartening to know
that there are people who
are always there when
my energy levels run low
and they know I'm too stubborn
to admit I need a bit of help.

***edit***

I just want to say thanks to all of those
who cleared a path
when all I could do
is crawl through
the wreckage of my past,
who held me up
when I couldn't stand,
who loved me
when I couldn't love myself,
who valued my life
when it meant nothing to me at all
You guys know who you are
and you are the reason, I'm still here.
You all mean the world to me.

identity

My identity is changing.

For at least the past year and a half I've maintained that I'm much more attracted to men than women, but emotionally I can be attracted to either gender. I've considered myself to be far closer to gay than straight, and am now starting to identify myself as bisexual.

Physically, I am without question far more attracted to men in general. Women will rarely turn my head just based on appearance alone, while that happens quite frequently with men.

However, I always seem to find a far stronger emotional bond with women. Maybe it's because it's too hard for me to get close to a man (I guess that would require getting up the courage to talk to one, no?) or maybe I'm not programmed that way. I don't see any reason why, in theory, I can't feel an emotional bond to either gender. But in practice it's nearly always women.

I suppose my theoretical identity, then, would be a bisexual with primarily gay tendancies.

So. I give up. I'm just going to call myself bisexual and be done with it because I like both genders though it would seem to be in different ways. How I relate to them is going to be too fluid to bother trying to pinpoint where, exactly, on the Kinsey scale I am. Mostly because I can't decide which set of attractions I want to base that on.

so small

what you got if you ain't got love,
the kind that you just want to give away.
it's ok to open up,
go ahead and let the light shine through.
i know it's hard on a rainy day,
you wanna shut the world out and just be left alone.
but don't run out on your faith,
cause sometime's that mountain
you've been climbing,
is just a grain of sand.
and what you've been out there,
searching for forever, is in your hands.
and when you figure out
love is all that matters after all,
it sure makes everything else seem so small.
it's so easy to get lost inside,
a problem that seems so big at the time.
it's like a river that so wide
it swallows you whole.
while you're sitting around thinking
about everything you cant change,
and worrying about all the wrong things,
time's flyin by, moving so fast.
you better make it count, cause you can't get it back.
- so small, carrie underwood

secrets

alchemy

The words, they sing and dance for me;
They want to be my history.
They sometimes come so easily,
My own poetic alchemy.

Time again they want to be
Something not quite lost to me,
And I let them comfort me,
Living poetic alchemy.

My life sometimes flies by me
And words I pick like from a tree,
But other times I cannot see
Hints of poetic alchemy.

Just try sometime to be me
And you will find that you can see
Sometimes your heart will be
Its own poetic alchemy.

Normal people Scare me.

Normal people Scare me.

I don't know what it is, exactly,
that scares me about them

Maybe it's the attitude
that they're normal
and I'm a Freak
because I like men
and I am one
or else it's because
I actually show emotion
and care about my friends
instead of pretending
everything is Good
and everyone is my Friend
(until something Bad happens)

Or maybe it's their
sheep-like attitude,
unable to think for themselves
(or choosing not to)
and instead doing things
because it's cool
and because
"Everyone else is doing it!"
Fucking sheep.

Normal people Scare me.

And here I am in Limbo
Loved yet alone
They want
I want, but
Cannot have
And cannot Let Go

I still hope
Because they love
And I feel
But no move is made
To start again

But I cannot let go
It doesn't feel Over
And that leaves my heart
To not want others
Only them

So here I am in Limbo
Loved yet alone
Single yet taken
Happy yet empty
Wanting and Dying

But still loved.

Worthless again

feeling Worthless again
like oh-so-many times before
completely Different
yet exactly the Same

i want to Die
but need to Know
how it all comes out in the End
as though my life was a novel
you just can't put down
no matter how much you Hate
the turn of events

just it's less predictable
because it was written
without a plot in mind
just Words thrown down at random.

Random.

is it so surprising that i'm

feeling Worthless again

Because

Because I love you.

Because you're intelligent

and loving

and caring

Because you want me to be happy

and you give me what I need

and you try to give me what I want

Because you don't try to keep me

from what I want to do

even when you miss me

Because I want you to be happy

and give you what you need

and try to give you what you want

Because I care about you

and you mean the world to me

and I would be miserable without you.

Because I love you.

Hoping in silence
All is not lost
Resisting the urge
To touch, to hold
Afraid of losing
What never was mine

I think of him
and hope
he thinks the same
Of me.

To be in your arms

To be in your arms
To feel safe
loved.

To have you hold me
To feel wanted
loved.

To look in your eyes
To see adoration
love.

I long so much
To be in your arms
To have you hold me
To look in your eyes

So I can feel safe
So I can feel wanted
So I can see adoration
So I can feel loved.

Us together, two as one
Both are far happier

Than when apart.

Abandonment

Where did you go?
Why did you abandon me?

I remember your presence
but I don't know when you left
you deserted me

Sometimes now I start to cry
but no tears come

Others I find myself trying to cry
because otherwise I feel nothing
and the nothing
scares me more
than the pain.

The nothing
hurts
more than the pain.

Even a good day
I wind up crying
because always
ALWAYS
something goes wrong.

and I am left with
nothing
or pain.

And I start to shake
and I start to cry
or I try to
but cannot
and I scare myself
and I scare myself
and I scare myself

And I feel a need to create
because maybe creating
will take away the pain

But never does it do more
than distract.

So I distract
And I distract
And I try so hard
to avoid the pain
by distracting myself
from my thoughts

But then I find myself
stranded
eluded even by my creativity
because something goes wrong
and doesn't work right.

and it keeps me from doing the things
that keep me from feeling the pain for a while

And I still feel you sometimes
sometimes
but when I reach to hold you
You crumble
into sand
just like
everything else

Why do you abandon me?

maybe this time

And again, I am happy.
And maybe this time it will last
And maybe this time I'm not wrong
And maybe this time I will not Change,
only Emerge.
And maybe this time I won't feel trapped
and will be happy where I am
and will be willing to take
what is mine
for what it is
And maybe this time I won't wonder what's missing
because I will know
and not miss it.
And maybe this time
I will allow myself
to be loved.

Quotes From Grey's Anatomy

"A wise man once said you can have anything in life,
if you sacrifice everything else for it.
What he meant is, nothing comes without a price.
So before you go into battle
you better decide how much you're willing to lose.

Too often going after what feels good
means letting of what you know is right.
And letting someone in means
abandoning the walls you took so long to build.
Of course, the toughest sacrifices
are the ones we don't see coming ;
when we don't have time
to come up with a strategy,
pick a side, or measure the potential loss.
When that happens,
when the battle chooses us
and not the other way around,
that's when the sacrifice
becomes more than we can bear"




"There are days that make
the sacrifices seem worthwhile.
And then there are the days
where everything feels like a sacrifice.
And then there are the sacrifices
that you cant even figure out why you're making "

Don't Speak

You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together
always
I really feel
That I'm losing
my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end
It looks as though
you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts

Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die,
both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts

(no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending
who we are...
You and me
I can see us dying...
are we?

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts

(no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons

Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't tell me cause it hurts!
I know what you're saying
So please stop explaining

Don't speak,
don't speak,
don't, oh I know what you're thinking
And I don't need your reasons

I know you're good,
I know you're good,
I know you're real good Oh,
la la la la la la La la la la la la

Don't, Don't, uh-huh Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush
don't tell me tell me cause it hurts

Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush don't tell me tell me cause it hurts

Broke Sucks

I keep walking out to the kitchen.
I open the door to the fridge.
I open the door to the freezer.

Nope. Nothing.

And I walk away.
I've done this about
five times in the last few hours.
I'm hungry. I'm thirsty.
I don't want to go to the store,
and I can't really afford to anyway.
But water and oatmeal
just don't sound appetizing.

Last night I finally gave in
and made myself some
brown sugar oatmeal.
But tonight we don't even
have milk to put in it.

Dammit.
I hope I past the test tomorrow.
This is getting rediculous.

Like cigarette smoke

The cigarette
is still giving off smoke.
The last exhalations
of its dying embers
flitting up into the air,
and slowly disappearing.
Much like the words
of a former lover
as he fades into memory.
The smell stays.
It always does.
It sticks to you,
clings to your nose
as though held in place
by the gravity
that your own mass
would exert on its surroudings.
Much like the memories
of a past gone by,
which refuse to fade away.
It is hard to say
what junctures in life entail.
We will always fail to see
past our own choices,
bound as we are
to previous experience
and painful recollections.
Where shall we lean next,
which road should we take now.
Does it matter,
what the choice is, in the end?
I will pick my heart on this road,
for my mind has rarely served me
as well as it has been hoped.
For the poem of my soul,
the heart will write in
its own inimitable grandeur.

Broken by Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort,
it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting
though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best,
like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart,
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
that's still beating
In the pain,
there is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on,
I'm holdin' on,
I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks
were a warning
you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded,
I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection
inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose,
they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart,
I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart
that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain),
there is healing
In your name (in your name)
I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights
on the freeway
left me here alone
I may have lost my way now,
haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart,
I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart
that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain)
there is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

Feeling Sad And Alone

I haven't really been very good
about how I act lately.
I'm getting more and more
frustrated with life,
and I'm letting the little things slip.
I've been cussing more.
I get irritated quickly.
My temper has been getting
shorter and shorter.
I'm just really angry with life.
I'm angry that I feel like
I'm losing everything slowly.
Feeling like I'm... losing touch with reality,
and drawing inward.

To be completely candid...

I feel like i'm losing my best friend,
and some how at the same time,
I've lost my husband in the shuffle.
(I don't want to air any laundry here,
please don't ask unless it's in an email)
I've lost what could have been my child,
I feel like if i spent one more day at work
that i was going to lose my sanity.
and so I quit my job.
I've lost my will to try to do anything
about the things happening in my life.

and the worst thing
is I feel that after I've slipped
sadly out of these places
due to lack of maintence,
that i'm not missed.
There's no hole.
No spot for me to reclaim,
and no energy to reclaim it.

I feel like everything is a betrayal.
I feel like I've lost all my friends.
I never see them anymore.
I feel very alone.

and it's probably because
I've been so pissy lately
that i've just pushed
everyone so far away--
that no one wants to try anymore.

Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to

One of these days, I'm gonna completely lose my mind.
My tenuous hold on reality and acceptable behaviour will fade,
and I will truly be a wildcard in society.
Inhibitions lost, respect for authority and civility completely absent,
there will be many victims to my rage and retribution.
Sure, I have a list. There are four names on it, but it is not written in stone.
These four names have an interesting connection,
but we won't get into that right now.
This post is more about complete strangers.

Do you speed in parking lots?

Have you ever honked at someone
slowly backing out of a parking space,
angry that they impeded your progress?

Have you ever entered a building
while someone held the door for you,
but instead of making that fake little put-your-arm-up-to-give-them-clearance-to-let-go-of-the-door gesture,
saying thank you, or even acknowledging their existence in any way,
just walking in as if they were meant to hold the door open for you?

Are you rude to people that work at
gas stations or fast-food restaurants?

Do you tip, like, I don't know, 5% or so?

Do you call to ask where your pizza is 40 minutes after ordering?

Do you give anyone, anywhere, a hard time
even though you know they are just doing their job?

Do you wipe boogers on bathroom walls?

Do you fail to flush the toilet and/or wash your hands in public restrooms?

Do you walk down the middle of a hallway,
no matter how many people are walking with you,
shoulder to shoulder, AND walk slowly?

If someone says "hello" or "how are you doing,"
do you completely ignore them, or just look at them?

Do you take an amount of items that is obviously more
than the allotted limit for items in the express checkout lane?

If anything in the above sounds familiar;
if you've done one of those things ever, or often,
I've got a question for you.
Who the fuck do you think you are?
These are the people who will most feel
my righteous thunder of insanity.
When I no longer care, and consequences are moot,
it will be violators of the guides of common decency
who will most feel my wrath.

I've already started speaking up.
When people walk in a door I've held
without acknowledging me or the door being
MAGICALLY OPEN FOR THEM,
I simply say "Hey, no problem! My pleasure."
When I say "hello" or "how are you" to someone,
and they don't respond, I say something like "hey, me too!"
And you know what? It feels good.

It feels a little too good.

Right now it's about 10 in the morning.

I have no idea where these philosophical thoughts

have been coming from but they've been keeping me up

but I might as well put it to good use.

So here are my thoughts:

Life sucks.

So do you.

And everyone else.

Get over it.

Shit happens.

You can't do anything,

so you might as well

not even complain

or act like it won't happen.

No matter who you are,

your heart will get broken at least once.

Take advantage of it

and break someone else's heart.

Trust me, it's your birthright.

Love exists. You'll find it one day.

Don't even try to argue with me

and say you won't,

because you WILL find it one day.

So I have an opinion, sue me.

Keyboards suck.

They want to make you type wrong.

If you're reading this

and you're not my friend,

my friends are better than you, I promise.

Summer's not as fun as it used to be.

Random philosophical thoughts are fun to come up with.

Nobody deserves anything.

If you get it, you either earned it or stole it.

But you never deserved it.

Just because you worked hard for something,
still doesn't mean you deserved it.

You just earned it.

This entry is getting long,

but like I said,

random philosophical thoughts

are fun to come up with.

More later, I'll look for more inspirations till then,

it seems I've found many in the past couple of days.

Good night, my readers.

I think Im finally going to bed

hopeless romantic

A deep yearning to hold the one you love,

but never getting the ability to have.

Existance is a futile effort to remain

sympathetic to those around you,

when you have no sympathy for yourself.

Always loving but never achieving love from someone else

has a long lasting consequence.

You realize how lonely being alive really is.

Despair only if you know what you think is right.

Otherwise you are just a pessimistic fool without a clue.

Love is eternal and will always be with you

but it is up to you to unlock it,

and sometimes it seems like you put too much effort into doing so,

and just when you think you have achieved

the perfection of loneliness you wake up in the night

knowing that there is no one out there that cares anymore.

Two personalities clashing to take the priority

of the human complexity that is known as myself.

The longing to be loved and have respect to fill this egotistical pride,

and the other which has been trampeled on endlessly
that longs to be a loner, to drift from this world and everyone in it.

Just giving into the thoughts is all you can do

when you don't know where to turn.

Emotionless and sadistical,

this enigma of a life is sometimes

the most reckless thing you can imagine,

but you can't help but feel useful

when you know you make a difference in someone's life.

Keeping up with a smile so fake

and a compassion so well hidden

that you don't want to show it to anyone.

Protecting yourself from love

is all you can do sometimes

because hatred and depression consume

when you don't make the right choices

and you are left to reflect on every instance

that you have screwed up in life,

and you know... things aren't right

when they should be.

Let it go!!!

This is just an epiphany I had and I really don't know what brought this on:

There are people who can walk away from you... hear me when I tell you this.
When people can walk away from you: let them walk.

Don't ever try to talk another person into

staying with you, loving you, calling you,
caring about you, coming to see you,

and/or staying attached to you.
I mean, hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk.

Your destiny is never tied to anybody

that left you in the first place.

People leave you because they are not joined to you....
and if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

It doesn't mean that they are a bad person
it just means that their part in the story,

YOUR story, is over.

And you've got to know when

people's part in your story is over
so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead;

You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over.

Don't beg people to stay. Let them go!!

If you are holding onto something or someone
that doesn't want you and was never intended for your life,
then you need to LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pain...

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job

that no longer meets your needs or talents...

LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude, please...

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...

LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past

and your spirituality is trying

to take you to the next level...

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship...

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone

who won't even try to help themselves...

LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed....

LET IT GO!!!

more random thoughts

One of the things that I often wonder is this:

many times when I am doing mundane everyday things,
I come across a thought in my mind

which has great potential for further examination and thinking.

But due to the fact that I am doing something mundane,

but nonetheless important at that time

I always seem to miss it.

Now I am quite sure that these occurrences

are also quite common amongst other people,

and this leads me to ponder as to

how wonderful would it be if one were to somehow

store and latch on to every train of thought

that one ever embarked upon.

I tried doing this once,

and wrote something which I tentatively titled
'Thoughts While Writing'

(seems corny, but fit the bill perfectly)

and was surprised at the variety

and the multitude of thoughts

that I was capable of,

provided I only made a conscious effort

to recognize some of them.

This also leads me to the conclusion

that to be a professional philosopher

(I have used the word professional

because we are all amateur ones,

even if we don't know it),

one needs to have a ready source of easy money.

This is because, by the very definition

of being a philosopher you need to do

copious amounts of undisturbed thinking

(or so it is claimed)

and in such a situation a man

can obviously not be expected

to take care of trifling, menial tasks like earning money.

Now it may be said that you are paid as a philosopher

(by universities etc) but therein lies the catch,

because you are never paid until you have established yourself,

and to do that, as I have just pointed out before, you need money.

two sides to everything

If you would have asked,

you would have known.
But of course,

I could have simply told you.
But confessing was beyond simplicity.
It would be a great leap.
A risk.

A moment of holding my breath... to death.
If I had confessed the secrets,
I have reason to believe

it would not have mattered.
It would not have made any differences.
You would still be there.

And I'd still be here.
Overlooking. Staring.

Wondering. Secretly hoping.

Silent.
Silently hurting.

And that you would never know.
Because you never cared.

You never bothered.
Why make things more complicated

when they could be simple?
That is how you think, right?
If you would ask,

would you even ask about me?
If you do, would I even tell you the truth?
Be cause you hate those kinds of things.
Why put all the drama in your life, right?
Of course, you're right.

Even when you're wrong.

I still try to find the right.
Because there are always

two sides in everything, right?
Right? Do you know mine?

Would you tell me yours?

The smile on my face, is because of you

Sometimes it can really take you by surprise,

this thing called emotions.

Just when you thought you couldn't escape

the hold it has over you...

you wake up one day and suddenly,

you don't feel a thing.

Maybe it's because you've found

something better to replace the feelings you have inside.

Maybe the hope that you lost so long ago,

returned by some twist of fate,

and now you're gripping on to it

for fear of losing it again.

Maybe you just realized that the world is so big,

and that God is so much bigger than it all.

Maybe you've been holding on to those emotions

for so long that day by day,

it slowly dissolved into nothing.

Or maybe you just... forgot.

In a way, it's good that people forget easily.

Some people just aren't as forgiving as others are.

I guess you could say that the only way

they could forgive was to first, forget.

I guess I'm just really glad that

I'm free from all the troubles

of being emotionally tied down...

free for the time being, anyway...

who knows when it'll come again?

right now, as long as I can look at you

and still smile... I will keep smiling...

for who is to say when that smile will fade?

One day, someday, tomorrow, maybe never.

What counts is that I did smile, regardless... right? :)

"Unanswered Questions" or "Inside looking out"

Rushing... confusing...

drowning in this blur of thoughts...

You know those times when you just

think, and think, and think...

until it all becomes a blur in your head
and you just wanna stop

cause it hurts to think,

but then you start thinking,

"Why am I thinking about this?"...

and it goes on, regardless of your attempts to stop.

I ask a lot of questions I don't always have answers to.

Sometimes I do stuff, say stuff, feel stuff...

and I don't really know why.

I think about stuff, and I don't really know why.

Sometimes I ask questions that

I don't really want answers to

Does that strike you as weird?

I guess that makes me... me

Things that used to matter,

suddenly don't matter anymore.
And things that didn't matter...

all of a sudden, I find that they do.

Is this what happens when people change?

Maybe I'm changing. Is that good?

I'm not too sure myself.

All I know is that I'm not

who I want to be - who I should be...

and yet, I'm enjoying it to a certain extent.

My life's little irony.

No matter how hard I try, or how much I do...

it will never be enough.

Somehow or another,

they will always find a way

to make me feel like I don't belong.

And you know what, that's okay,

I'm done trying.

I guess there's only so much a person can take.

I used to be outside, looking in...

Now, here I am: inside, looking out.

Words to understand, but never to be spoken

Maybe there should be a chance,

maybe everything should make sense,

like the way I take risks.

I do them because it makes me feel alive,

standing around waiting for the consequences

of my actions to hit is far from uninteresting.

I live for a moment that has yet to happen.

I look for an open door in a barred down hallway.

I want to show my potential

by smashing through these walls,

these barriers that have been up for far too long.

Let me take a risk,

let me do things no one thought I would do

because after all just me is all i am.

I am the mirror of your friends,

I am what you think me to be

only because its easier for you to understand.

Only a few people can unlock the true me,

and they don't care exactly why I am the way I am

in front of different people but lets not conceal your judgements

because it makes it easier to improve on ones self.

I am the standing words that everyone likes to read.

I can be your best friend because I envy you,

or I can be your worst nightmare

because you remind me of myself.

I can't show you the true potential

because everything is dim and pointless.

I can speak to you if you want me to

but I have no reason to continue,

I dont like the way you think sometimes

because its too simplistic

and everything I do is so much more serious and complex.

Dont give me your sympathies because frankly,

they are less then believeable.

If you see me in a crowd, please feel free to talk to me,

but don't wait for me to speak while holding your breath

because you will lose your oxygen waiting

and fall to the inevitable.

Truth. Freedom. Beauty. Love.

Bohemian pillars of belief.

Idealistic notions,
borne of a time when humanity
embraced the underlying virtues
that were the bedrock of all
that was good in this world.
Truth. Freedom. Beauty. Love.
*sigh* Where have you all gone?
Why have you disappeared,
oh pillars that I have believed in

for the better part of 23 years?

Have you deserted me now,

when my faith, my belief in

idealism is at its weakest?

My eyes are almost dry now.

I can feel the streaks

they have left on my cheeks.

Downwards, they went,

burrowing a furrow

through my layered being,

piercing me to my core.

Unbidden. Uninvited.

Coarseness rubbing up against

the gentle fragility of my weary soul.

They serve a biological function, no doubt.

But I just think it's God's way of letting you know,

without any shadow of a doubt,

what you are feeling,

at that very moment.

I hate them, and love them at the same time.

I love the fact that they portray the honest me.

And I hate them for that fact too.

I love them because they are at times, my only outlet.

Again, I hate them for that very same reason.

I embrace my tears, and shun them.

And that is the fundamental

simplicity of the ideal of Truth.

We look for it, yet find ourselves afraid to embrace it.

We revel in it, yet feel the pinch of its consequences.

And have the audacity to complain about it afterwards.

Truth has always been impactful.

Either in the here and now,

or further down the line.

Be it painful, or otherwise.

The lesson? Simple.

We can never run away from what is true.

Turn around. Embrace it. Deal with it.

It is always better, than pretending it is not there.

The trials of today will serve you

in better stead for tomorrow.

And you will never outrun pain.

Never.

We mollycoddle ourselves with the safety nets

we put up for contingencies that

may or may not affect our lives.

Insurance schemes. Refunds. Warranties.

God parents. Wills. Maps. Directions.

Handbook Guidelines. Laws.

All are restrictions. All are barriers.

Barriers to what? To freedom.

True freedom.

Freedom, absolute true Freedom,

scares the shit out of humanity.

Imagine yourself alone. In the middle of a forest.

No mobile phone. No wallet. No map. No directions.

Nothing. Just you. What are you?

Marooned, obviously. All alone. Trapped.

With no rescue forthcoming,

nor any sense of where to even begin.

Yet within this sphere of your own existence,

you are FREE. Free to go where ever

your legs can take you,

where ever your mind wants you to.

You are not bound by your identity card

to stay on that piece of land.

You are not bound by laws

that say you cannot cut down a tree,

and make some space for yourself.

You are not bound by the constraints

that people around you would impose.

You can be as loud as you want,

whenever you want.

You are free, from the hope of rescue.

You are free, from being dependent on other people.

That is what Freedom is.

The freedom, to be yourself.

Doesn't that scare you?

To be free, absolutely, unabashedly,

irrefutably free, is to be alone.

Yoda famously said, Luminous beings we are.

Not this crude matter.

Souls, as you would call them.

Everything else in life, is artificiality.

Nature, is artificiality.

Thnigs that are not made by man's hand,

are in themselves, artificial.

Constructed, put together,

built, grown. It does not matter.

They are artificial. How so?

Because they are made up of other things.

They are not what they originally were.

And anything that has been changed

from what it originally was, is artificial.

Glorious sunsets.

Gigantic mountain ranges.

Sprawling green forests.

Beautiful, are they not?

But they are not true beauty.

Beauty has often been said

to come in many forms.

As the saying fondly goes,

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

But who is the 'beholder' exactly?

Each and every individual?

You? Me? None.

For we are all the same.

Humanity is the 'beholder',

for we all 'see' beauty the same way.

True beauty transcends any boundary.

Any. Boundary.

Be they literary. Physical.

Cultural. Economical. Genetic. Conditioning.

When we see a sunset, and say it is beautiful,

it is not mere colours nor our lone Star

that brings us to this profound realisation.

It is the soul of what we see.

When you look into the eyes of someone you love,

is he beautiful? He is, isn't he?

And you knew it, without even

needing to see the rest of him.

The word 'beauty', and all its other forms,

have been abused and bloodied in spirit and meaning.

We have come to associate beauty

with what we can tag with our eyes,

with merely what our sight can tell us.

But doesn't true beauty transcend anything, and everything?

You will know beauty when you see it.

You will know beauty when you feel it.

Touch it. Understand it.

And to do that, must we not embrace

the truth of our own lies?

Cut ourselves free of our own inhibitions?

Once you realise that beauty

is so much more than we could ever hope for it to be,

then you will have taken your first steps

into a world far removed from the one you live in now.

A world of love.

Love is neither pain, nor suffering.

Neither is it joy, or happiness.

Love does not entail trust,

nor does it encourage jealousy and suspicion.

Love is not appreciation, nor care.

Neither is it sacrifice, or risk.

It is not anything, nor any single one thing.

All these things, they are the artificiality of human emotions.

The constructs of human minds.

Grown from our dying need to use words

on everything we have.

The love we are so fond of describing,

and so outward it may seem in appearance, is a lie.

And we are guilty of propogating it beyond measure.

Truth. Freedom. Beauty. Love.

I don't understand any of them.

But I believe.

deeper underground

Suicide has been playing on my mind alot lately.

Well, Who hasn't entertained thoughts

of doing a Great Escape from reality?

I have. Many many times.

But something always stops me.

I think of Mom.

Of my room mates.

Of my close friends.

Inevitably, I come to the overbearing conclusion

that they will be better off without me.

And then I think of all the other people in my life,

and wonder what their lives would be like without me in it.

And of course, I'll come to that conclusion again.

Either there wouldn't be any difference,

or they wouldn't notice my absence.

Fair enough.

So whats happened?
I quit my job... for alot of reasons

I made a horrible mistake with E
which for those of you who don't know
has been taken care of.
I somehow have managed
to once again fall for a very good friend of mine
I've hooked up with alot of new people.

And I'm stuck.
I don't know who to call,

and who to ask to leave me alone.

A Love Octagon so to speak.

As it were, this is part of the gloominess
that bears down on me,
as I struggle, manfully or otherwise,
to comprehend the sheer
incredulity of the entire situation.

I know I'm not into all of them.
That would be impossible.
It's impossible to have feelings
for 8 people all at once.
Rather, it stems from a desire
to return the flattery to all but one..
A wish to return the feelings they have for me.

It's like I feel obligated to, that I just should,

because they actually summon

the willingness and courage to show me their feelings.

I do not want to break hearts and let them down.

The guilt is palpable. Heavy.

Such a hard burden to bear.

It makes me want to curl up into a ball,

and pretend nothing is happening.

But I can't. I want my escape.

But I can't make it.

However out of the 8
there is only one person (lets call him DB)
who has my entire heart.

DB is the only one I can't stop thinking about.
DB is the only one who I would do anything
just for a chance to have a realtionship with
to give me and him a chance....
because I think things would work....

if it wasn't for the one major obstical standing in the way.

Then, I know in my heart that I also
have very strong feelings for E,

but.... because of DB,
and because of my past with E
I can't love E like I should

However none of that matters
E hates me now. I think.
The whole mistake and resolution
would make me hate me if I was him
I would have loved the chance to
talk things out with him,
and clear the air.
Try to make things work...

he however choose to give me an ultimatium

thus burning our bridges, almost beyond repair.
A drama queen, till the end. *shakes head*
I need to clear everything out and start anew.
But we all know that isn't possible.

I am suffering. I do not know what to do.
Doesn't anyone understand?
Is it you whom I want and feel I need, DB?
Because right now, inexplicably,
against any notion of logic, or reason or rationale,
I am thinking of you.
And thoughts of you stay my hand
from ending whatever excuse

I have for a life already.
However now, in this infinitesmal moment,
when all is still and I am reduced
to the nothingness of my center,
do I realise that that I am wasting my time
with the feelings I have for you
because you are never going to return them.

I do not know how much more heartache I can take.

I have taken alot already in my short life.

And I have done so willingly,

always believing in the off-chance

of finding true love and thinking that the sacrifices I make

will be appreciated, and will be worth it.

But I have floundered so many times.

I have failed at so many turns.

And I have fallen down at so many hurdles.

Am I wrong? Am I wrong to believe that I can find love?

If I am, then I guesss I really should just die.

Because I do not want to live in a world

where Love will not find me.

Breakdown of the soul

Life is a dance.
It is the end of year school prom.
It is the first waltz at a wedding reception.
It is the first tenatative steps of a hopeful courtship.
Footballers dance past defenders.
Tennis players dance across courts.
Daredevils dance between life and death.
Everyone dances.
Everyone has a partner.
But now...

Now, I dance alone.

It started out great.
Don't they always?
The talks.
The kindness.
The love.
is a wonderous elegance afoot
when the heart makes its choice.
When mind and soul are in rare collusion.
Harmony.
Compromise was always easy to reach.
Forgiveness was always there to be found.
Happiness was but a phone call away.
What else could it have been,
other than pure joy?

Other than love?

They rarely, if ever, end that way.
I have never been fortuntate.
They never stay as friends.
They fade away.
They disappear.
As do you.
Loneliness.
Anger.
Bitterness.
A slow, mad descent into hate.
Obstacles appear where there once open fields.
Unlocked doors are sealed shut.
INtimacy gives way to distance.
Aloofness.
Arrogance.

A stubborn, mind-numbing refusal
to be open minded.
To admit.. to being wrong.


How could we have survived?
How could we have stayed together
when we were both participants,
in what was pulling us apart?
Happy times grew few and far between.
The arguments were getting frequent.
Nasty. Heart-breaking.
More and more, tears were my bedfellows,
sadness my only companion
as I navigated sleepless nights and lightless days.

I know now, as I should have known then,
that it should have stopped. It should have ended.
But I soldiered on, enamoured in my belief in love,
strengthened by my faith in humanity.
Yet it all came to nought.
The pure disdain that became a greeting
wounded my soul deeper than any mere physical harm.
The contempt for emotion tore me into pieces.

What more could be done?
I finally let go, worser for the wear,
Scarred. Forever marked.
An emotional burden I shall carry
for as long as I am unable to deal with it.

Memories are bittersweet.
The sorrowful eloqunce of their subtlety
would be lost on closed hearts and hardened souls.
It is hard to live like this.
Each day is a struggle,
the vagaries of life presenting
alternating degrees of insurmountability.
When will it all end?
When will the simple pleasure of enjoying
the sun's rays and the shine of the moon,
become more than excercises in conquering
the demons of the past?
Deomns, that threaten to haunt my future?

Life is a dance.

And I have forgotten the steps.

Missing

"Missing someone isn't about
how long it has been
since you have seen them
or the amount of time
since you've talked.
It's about that very moment
when you're doing something
and you wish that they
were right there with you."

Missing
I believe is an appropriate name for this blog
because it can be read as two ways.

1. The act of missing
2. People you are missing

There are some people in life
that you would never like to lose,
but disappear regardless of your feelings.
This blog is to them.

It is a fact of life that some people
you would rather never be parted with
inevitably leave, not necessarily by death.

THE FORGOTTEN:

Sometimes people that you care about more than anything
simply forget about you, or worse you forget about them.
Only years down the road do you ever realize
what they meant to you, and that you can never have them back.
(unless you are lucky)

THE DESEASED

This is probably the most common of the "Missing" categories.
Death is an inevitable part of life,
though most people refuse to admit it.
The passing of someone that you truly care about
is never easy, but in some ways is probably
the most bearable of the missing cases.
I say this because at least you know
that if they were alive you could be with them,
on the otherhand it can be the most painful
if you do not believe that there is
life after death because they cease to be,
and will never ever be with you again.

THE TRAVELERS

This, as far as I'm concerned,
can be the most painful of disappearances.
The disappearances that don't want to be found,
or at least by you anyways.
I say that is the most painful
because usually you are to be at fault
that the person no longer wishes to be near you,
and you can think about that as long as you wish
and pray that it was different, or that they will come back.
The truth of the matter is, that doesn't necessarily,
and probably in a lot of cases, doesnt happen.

So what choice do we have other than to miss?
In the case of dearly departed we must live on
because nothing we can do can bring them back...
but what about the cases of the forgotten and the travellers?
What would be the appropriate answers?
The thing is as much as we miss people,
it doesn't necessarily mean
the person we are missing shares our feelings.
Nowadays feelings never seem to be shared in equal amounts,
someone is always way over,
and the other far short.
So how do you know if it is right to make the leap?
Try to reach the missing...
and in the case of the travellers
will it bring them more anguish?

In the case of the travellers it is entirely possible
they miss you as much as you miss them
and are afraid to act because they feel dumb
about packing up and leaving without notice.
But if you are willing to take the risk,
do you really miss them?
Because you are acting in order
to deminish your own feelings,
but what if you are bringing chaos upon
their newly constructed lives?
So is it selfish?
Suppose that depends on whether
they miss you in return,
but how do you know?
Back to square one again.

The past is the past,
but should we try to make amends with it
or accept it as it is?
Is it alright to possibly disrupt
the future in order to make amends with the past?
Or perhaps fix the past to create a new future?

The scale is balanced but
how does everything weigh in?
And what was everything worth to begin with?