Stressed Out Rant

So I woke up today
not feeling like myself....
Reminscent of times past,
I dont like my thoughts,
the stress that goes along with them,
and the way that it's making me feel.
Seriously, fuck.

So have you ever had
the unsurpassable feeling
that you're letting
yourself get walked on...
And no matter what
you tell yourself,
or what you do,
you can't shake the feeling?
I do. I'm not sure
what to make of it...
and it fuckin sucks.

So here's what I do.....
like I always do....
Smile. Be nice.
Pretend nothing's wrong.
Maybe nothing IS wrong....
Be polite. Try not to lose my temper.
Listen to music that grounds me.
DONT do anything dumb.
Go to work.
Go through the motions...
Do what I'm told.
Don't ask for what I need.
Do it by myself... cause'
thats the only way
any of this shit's
gonna be solved
without anyone getting worried.
Keep my mind of of things....
Omg, FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.
Yes. That's right, I said FUCK.
(note to self.... dont fuckin punch the wall.)

Long day.... Bed at 6a.m.
up at 8 a.m.
Work until 11 p.m....
I dont mind the long day...
or the fact that
after work is going to fuckin suck....
What I mind is that for the first time
in the longest time.... I'm crying...
And now I have to pretend to smile again.

Pretending is what killed me last time.

Who'd have thought
this is how the pieces fit
You and I shouldn't
even try making sense of it
I forgot how we ever came this far
I believe we had reasons
but I don't know what they are
Don't blame it on my heart,

Love moves in mysterious ways
It's always so surprising
When love appears over the horizon
I'll love you for the rest of my days
But still it's a mystery
How you ever came to me
Which only proves
Love moves in mysterious ways

Heaven knows love is just a chance we take
We make plans but then love demands a leap of faith
So hold me close and never ever let me go
'Cos even though we think we know
which way the river flows
That's not the way love goes, no


Love moves in mysterious ways
It's always so surprising
When love appears over the horizon
I'll love you for the rest of my days
But still it's a mystery
How you ever came to me
Which only proves
Love moves in mysterious ways


Like the ticking of a clock
two hearts beat as one
But I'll never understand
the way it's done, oh

Love moves... in mysterious ways....

For A Friend

This is for my friend so dear,
so loyal, and so true…
A friend who cared and listened,
Who stuck by me thru thick and thin,
Who kept me sane when life got bad
Who inspired me to be strong
and care less about what others would say.
This is for my friend so beloved…
A friend who proved that simplicity is real beauty,
Who did wonders with just a wink and a smile,
Who warmed hearts with her sound words and tears
Who touched lives in her most unconditional ways.
This is for a friend I intended to keep
But whom I said my goodbyes too.
But my heart goes with her.
And I'm sorry I lied when I said
That things are better this way

the past

So I went to my friends blog and she has a quote of the day thing on it, where there is a new quote everyday, and anyways I really like todays quote so I figured I'd put it on here

"The past is a foreign country;
they do things differently there."

Sometimes I imagine
the world without you
But most time I'm just
so happy that I ever found you
Its a complicated web
That you weave inside my head
So much pleasure with such pain
We always always stay the same

I'm feeling the way
you cross my mind
And you save me
in the knick of time
I'm riding the highs
I'm digging the lows
Cuz at least I feel alive
I never faced
so many emotional days
But my life is good
I'm feeling you
I'm feeling you

You go and then
I can finally breath in
Cuz baby I know
in the end
you're never leaving
Well we rarely ever sane
I drive you crazy
and you do the same
But your fire fills my soul
And it warms me up
like no one knows

I'm feeling the way
you cross my mind
And you save me
in the knick of time
I'm riding the highs
I'm digging the lows
Cuz at least I feel alive
I never faced
so many emotional days
But my life is good
I'm feeling you
I'm feeling you

I'm feeling the way
you cross my mind
And you save me
in the knick of time
I'm riding the highs
I'm digging the lows
Cuz at least I feel alive
I never faced
so many emotional days

Oh I'm feeling the way
you cross my mind
And you save me
in the knick of time
I'm riding the highs
I'm digging the lows
Cuz at least I feel alive
I never faced
so many emotional days
But my life is good
I'm feeling you
I'm feeling you
I'm feeling you
I'm feeling you

Oh I’m feelin’ the way
that you cross my mind
And the way that you
save me in the nick of time
Oh i’m feelin’ the way
when you walk on by
I feel light, I feel love,
I feel butterflies

I feel butterflies

"A mostly sunny day, to some, can look a lot like partly gray."

The old grey donkey, Eeyore
stood by himself in a
thistly corner of the Forest,
his front feet well apart,
his head on one side,
and thought about things.
Sometimes he thought sadly to himself,
"Why?" and sometimes he thought,
"Wherefore?" and sometimes he thought,
"Inasmuch as which?"
and sometimes he didn't quite know
what he was thinking about.
- by A. A. Milne

...an excerpt from a dream

and the world said be still
you are nothing compared
to the things that surround you
they give you life...
you give them suffering...
what do you have to say for yourself?
you have no right to complain!
you are not the only one suffering...
Everybody goes thru the same intensity of suffering...
you just feel like you have the worst
because you only think of yourself...
you were never contented with what you had...
you always want the best but
you dont work hard enough to get it...
life is not at all purely suffering...
try to look up... see the stars...
think how long they have been there...
to inspire, and help people find their way.
the stars have seen the best and the worst in you...
the stars have seen a million kisses
shared by lovers from the ancient times up to this minute...
and what do you contribute to
make the stars shine and burn? nothing...
you never notice what's around you ,
and the reason they're there because
you are too much sulking into your own depression...
dont be such a pathetic creature

of me and me

i am starting to get over
a lot of things...
my depression,
...confusion on a lot of things!
why think and think all day,
every minute about things
that cannot be undone?
when the only action left anyway
is to change my disposition...
to see the better side of life
to see that i can still be happy
despite the damage
to see the light in other people's eyes?
to believe in the fact that
life can still be beautiful...
and that broken pieces can be
turned into a work of art
it has been a long time
that i've held back a lot of things
...i didnt see it until now...
life is full of surprises...
they come in shots, in bits...
then you see the big picture...
we all are still blessed...
i am lucky to be alive...
lucky to be given a chance
to polish my gifts
and use them...

right now...
i see me...
and who i can be

my love of wisdom

i never dared to write my own philosophy...
will i ever have one anyway?
i am a lover of wisdom but it
doesn't mean that i know a lot of things...
sometimes i feel like i know
so little even. sometimes nothing...

"The mind has a will of its own,
you cannot control it,
it controls you.."

-makes it even harder for me
to deny the fact that from all
the flesh i own (and im on the heavy side)...
only less than 2lbs out of all makes me... ME
______________________________

First and foremost, i believe
in the never ending quest of man
to answer the questions
"WHO AM I?";
"WHERE DID I COME FROM?";
"WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?"
and to the never ending
one word question... "WHY?'
Although certain answers lead
to a lot of things
(mostly crazy,
some predictable,
some unthinkable...
for me <>
for me, it ends up
to only one thing.. a
fter al the probing of
WHO WHAT AND WHY,
there is, unmistakeably,
undeniably, a "higher power".
Yes... simple as it may seem...
I BELIEVE IN GOD.

Well of course man's perception
of "God" (the word, the substance.. the "BEING")
will always be subjective.
For instance, one mountain s
urrounded by a thousand,
will be seen in different angles,
different shades,
different purposes
(some don't see it).
but the fact remains
that the mountain is there
and it is a mountain..
unbreakable and strong.

I BELIEVE IN GOD!
(most philosophers may laugh at me..
i don't care... to each his own anyway...
if they don't consider what i'm thinking..
they are not philosophers,
they are mere sophists
*or shall we say lover of their OWN wisdom*
so again, I BELIEVE IN GOD!
God is only the unchanging,
eternal being in this existence.
It is what WE think of GOD
that makes us believe
that he changes as we do.
This perception of who GOD is (
and applied to all other things)
is *experienced* by us...
not *handed* to us.
For what would the sense of the word..
or gift.. **FREE WILL** be?
If the end is already
subsequently.. planned?

quoted from a friend... (
you know who you are)
"just as long as
you dont believe in destiny...
it will contradict everything
free will stands for"
--makes sense to me

***ANYWAY***

This GOD, or "MY" God...
is a God that watches.
I believe he is amazed
by what i am...
and always be happy
over all my actions....
because although
i may not be perfect...
i am and will always be,
his creation.
Maybe he thinks...
"Man I'm Good!"
how amazing..
and entertaining this
**Chris** creation of mine is! :)
I am always pleased by him,
in whatever he decides to do or pursue...
and guess what? my GOD
will be MY GOD.
and can never be someone else's..
i believe he reveals himself to
everyone in different ways...
in different personas.
**you have to find God on your own...
for yourself... ENOUGH FOR NOW!

Theory 101 - **On Free Will**

despite the purity of these words...
"FREE WILL" it will all boil down to one fact...
it's how we view it.
on our own...it is a gift
that some ignore...
some never opened..
some scared to use...
and for some...
it is what it is
(these people are the people i admire...
they have STRENGTH to stand up
to their convictions...
i wish i was the same...)
NO FURTHER QUUESTIONS. PERIOD.
as a human being, we all
(although some deny it...
even i do sometimes...)
hold back because of one FATAL thing...
**PRIDE** (this comes with fear,
arrogance, love of comfort... name it!)
and this pride as it is...
comes from one thing...
and it is an irony as well...
But it comes from free will...
Go figure!

how people overuse the word
"DESTINY" (which once i believed in..
a long time ago... But not anymore)
say... this holds back a lot of things...
Spontaneity for instance will be
compressed/ repressed.
a lot of people laugh at me
for thinking this.
but for me it is as real as i am...
"Destiny is a negative force
that holds us back... i choose freedom"
FREEDOM... is another topic...
will be discussed on another day...
life is complicated...
let's not understand...
acceptance is the only key
to peace of mind...

***hold on... for who are we
to question the world..
we are nothing...
we are... who we are***

I'm calling it quits

so the older we get, the more life makes sense.
and the people you treasure may... leave
(or worse, forget you), at least you still have
the memories chained to you.
its tiring to think about love,
about vanity... right now i want to learn
how to seize the day... keep things real...
and stop bombarding other people with my depression...
Because its too pathetic and i should have been over this years ago)

i believe we create our own ghosts that haunts us
through or lives. it builds a wall around us that
prohibits us to see the truth... stagnating our growth
and understanding of the "life" we are living in...
i believe that life is a song that we have to learn...
it will be your choice to compose your own...
or just sing the one handed to you

im so tired of sulking into my self made melancholy.
it just seems that i am killing myself little by little...
the flight to freedom and happiness seems to be
out of reach for the moment...yes. the world maybe cruel,
but its not purely! it still contains reasons for us to be amazed,
touched, pleased.. it still contains enough reason for us to smile,
be thankful ...and to love.

i have decided to work on obtaining the strength
to make my life MINE, and to peel off insecurities,
depression.. and the like... after all, when i die
i will have to answer to myself...did i do it right---
did i make the most out of this short life?...
and my heart will decide that the life i've lived...
was mine after all

excerpt...

human passion does not
seek sexual desire alone...
but for other things as well
such as the reason for living...
passion to... in some sick minds,
quench their lust/craving for..
pain, goes for the masochists
violence *for the sadists...
and a lot more than
we ever dreamed of...
some we will never know of...
the mystery of life... is how
extensive every single
human emotion is.

we will never know that our passion
for this certain being.. may ONLY be
existing because... "he or she is what
we WANT ourselves to be"...
but can never be.. and never will be...
we cannot just stick to the words
(ATTRACTION OR WANTING)...
they are what they are... just words.

how to define these certain outbursts
are too much for he human mind to explain,
for who are we but mere humans
that cannot see past our noses?
and we are blinded by this certain captivation
that we sometimes forget our own worth...
idiocy... that's what it is.
i just discovered it a few days ago...
why weep over spilled milk
when you can get something better...
like... beer for instance? :) (kidding!)

i was once so hooked into this certain person
that i thought was a unique individual...
(fine... i know everyone's unique
but you know how you seek a
"certain distinctive character"?)
i thought this was different.. i was wrong

its hard when you get to know the person...
the risk of you falling out is....
as big and endless as the whole universe....

maybe im not making a point here...
well, other people dont understand anyway.
i might as well speak in riddles for they dont listen...

i wish to compose the perfect lullabye
that would lead me to sleep...
that will rest my fierce...
and never Relieved mind and heart

i am not pretending.... or am i?

Lost

i feel so confused...
i feel so lost...
i feel like i have everything...
but most of the time
i feel like i have nothing...
i feel so... i dont know...
shall we say... lost?
lost and crazy...
i feel ugly
i feel stupid
i feel like im nothing
nothing at all
i dont know what to say anymore
i cant produce the right logic
tired of reason
tired of facts
tired of maybe's and what ifs...
i feel like dying
as peter pan says...
to die would be
an awfully great adventure

i dont know what to say anymore...
i'll have a smoke and drink to that

im so sick and tired of
all these things,
that drag me down
i've got nowhere to go
they say thay life is in your hands,
you give everything
you give yourself away,

you give but still you choke....

im tired... dont talk to me...
i cannot produce the right
logic as for the moment....

Reflection Of The Night

i just got done
chatting with you again
after along time,
i just thought of writing
this down although
there's really no point.

i never thought
it would feel so awkward
although honestly
i dont feel you, like before...
and a thousand unexplainable
emotions has gone through me again,
flashbacks of the past...
only to be washed away by alcohol...
and a few ciggerets
maybe, just maybe,
its enough to have known you
i accept the fact that
i indeed had fallen for you
i have accepted the fact
that i never owned you
but i reached the bottom already
there was nothing there
so I chose to rise up..
see the light again
although it was a hard climb
i aquired a few scars
when i was climbing up
and residues of the pain
you've cost me are still visible...
i dont love you as before...
but i always will...


admitting one's weakness...
or uncertainty
signifies strength
at least that's how i see it...

"Me" by Paula Cole 1996

I changed a few words,
but if you want to read
the original just search
for the song and singer,
and the lyrics will come up

I am not the person who is writing,
I am the silent one inside.
I am not the one who laughs at people's jokes,
I just pacify their egos.
I am not my house, my car or my poems,
They are only stops along my way.
I am like the winter,
I'm a dark cold person,
With a golden ring of wisdom in my cave
And it's me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence
I am carrying my voice
I am carrying a heart.
I am carrying the words
I am carrying my prayers,
but you cant kill my spirit,
it's old and it is strong,
And like a mountain
I'll go on and on.
But when my wings are folded,
The brightly colored moth blends into the dirt into the ground
And it's me who's too weak,
And it's me who's too shy to ask for the thing I love.
And it's me who's too weak,
And it's me who's too shy to ask for the thing I love.
But I love
I am walking on the bridge,
I am over the water,
And I'm scared as hell
But I know there's something better.

He chose to walk alone.
Though others wondered why.
Refused to look before him,
Kept eyes cast upwards,
Towards the sky.
He didn't have companions.
No need for earthly things.
Only wanted freedom,
From what he felt were puppet strings.
Some say he wished too hard.
Some say he wished too long.
But we awoke one autumn day
To find that he was gone.

"Burn" by The Cure

Don’t look don’t look
the shadows breathe
Whispering me
away from you
Don’t wake at night
to watch her sleep
You know that you
will always lose
This trembling
Adored
Tousled bird mad girl...
But every night I burn
But every night I call your name
Every night I burn
Every night I fall again
Oh don’t talk of love
the shadows purr
Murmuring me
away from you
Don’t talk of worlds
that never were
The end is all
that’s ever true
There’s nothing you
can ever say
Nothing you can ever do...
Still every night I burn
Every night I scream your name
Every night I burn
Every night the dream’s the same
Every night I burn
Waiting for my only friend
Every night I burn
Waiting for the world to end
Just paint your face
the shadows smile
Slipping me away from you
Oh it doesn’t matter
how you hide
Find you if
we’re wanting to
So slide back down
and close your eyes
Sleep a while
You must be tired...
But every night I burn
Every night I call your name
Every night I burn
Every night I fall again
Every night I burn
Scream the animal scream
Every night I burn
Dream the crow black dream
Dream the crow black dream...

Ok so I went on an old friends blog, and she has a song that I really like so I looked up the lyrics and posted them on here, and then I posted a few more song lyrics on here also :) hope you all enjoy, I am getting ready to work on changing my layout, cause no one can comment or get to the tag board... so I am not sure what it will look like in a little while, I guess you'll just have to wait and see... unless you come here after I have it changed then you'll already know :)

Blow Away

live in my head for just one day
i see myself and look away
the road is showing now on my face
soon i'll disappear without a fucking trace

faces that i've seen turn old and grey
i've lost too many freinds along the way
memories i never thought would fade
they fade and blow away

i wish that i could disappear
unzip my skin and leave it here
so i could be no one again
and never let nobody in

faces that i've seen turn old and grey
i've lost too many freinds along the way
memories i never thought would fade
they fade and blow away

so now the walls are closing in
because in life you sink or swim
sometimes these shoes don't feel right in my head
feel like a book that can't be read,

faces that i've seen turn old and grey
i've lost too many freinds along the way
memories i never thought would fade
they fade and blow away

yesterday

you don't know what you've put me through
it's okay, i've forgiven you
but in some way, hope it fucks with you
hope it fucks with you

that i'm okay and i've made it through
but who's to say what you're going through
i'll say no names, though i've wanted to
isn't it strange how it seems like...

yesterday, a boy and already afraid
locked deep inside, my place to hide
to hide from how you made me feel
and i wonder how's your brother
did he end up fucked up like me?
lost in himself, crying for help it's safe to say
i learned to live without a pride
just a shell, with me stuck on the inside
a prison, not a place to hide
not a place to hide

that i'm okay and i've made it through
but who's to say what you're going through
i'll say no names, though i've wanted to
isn't it strange how it seems like...

yesterday, a boy and already afraid
locked deep inside, my place to hide
to hide from how you made me feel
and i wonder how's your brother
did he end up fucked up like me?
lost in himself, crying for help it's safe to say
i learned to live without a pride
just a shell, with me stuck on the inside
a prison, not a place to hide
not a place to hide

yesterday, a boy and already afraid
locked deep inside, my place to hide
to hide from how you made me feel
and i wonder how's your brother
did he finally pull through like me?
finding himself, not needing help
i'd like to say

For You

To my Mother To my Father
It's your son or It's your daughter
Are my screams Loud enough for You to hear me?
Should I turn this up for you?

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
The silence get's us no where
Get's us no where way too fast

The silence Is what kills me
I need someone Here to help me
But you don't know How to listen
And let me make My decisions

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
The silence get's us no where
Get's us no where way too fast

All your insults And your curses
Make me feel like I'm not a person
And I feel like I am nothing
But you made me So do something

Cause I'm fucked up Because you are
Need attention Attention you couldn't give

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
The silence get's us no where
Get's us no where way too fast

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
The silence get's us no where
Get's us no where way too fast

Fade

I try to breathe Memories overtaking me
I try to face them but the thought is too Much to conceive
I only know that I can change Everything else just stays the same
So now I step out of the darkness That my life became 'cause
I just needed someone to talk to You were just too busy with yourself
You were never there for me to Express how I felt I just stuffed it down
Now I'm older and I feel like I could let some of this anger fade
But it seems the surface I am scratching Is the bed that I have made
So where were you When all this I was going through
You never took the time to ask me Just what you could do
I only know that I can change Everything else just stays the same
So now I step out of the darkness That my life became 'cause
I just needed someone to talk to You were just too busy with yourself
You were never there for me to Express how I felt I just stuffed it down
Now I'm older and I feel like I could let some of this anger fade
But it seems the surface I am scratching Is the bed that I have made

So Far Away

This is my life its not what it was before
All these feelings I've shared
And these are my dreams
That I'd never lived before
Somebody shake me cause I... I must be sleeping

Now that we're here so Far Away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
All in the mistakes one life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here, So Far Away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive I'm not ashamed
To be the person that I am today

These are my words That I've never said before
I think I'm doing okay
And this is the smile That I've never shown before

Somebody shake me cause I... I must be sleeping

Now that we're here So Far Away
All the struggle We thought was in vain
All in the mistakes One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here, So Far Away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive I'm not ashamed
To be the person that I am today

I'm so afraid of waking Please don't shake me
Afraid of waking Please don't shake me

Now that we're here So Far Away
All the struggle We thought was in vain
All in the mistakes One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here, So Far Away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive I'm not ashamed
To be the person that I am today

I know you're hurt
I feel it, too
But maybe this is for the best
This could be good for me and you

don't let this be the end
of you and your happiness
don't let this end your hope
let this give you perspective, instead

I've seen something about myself
I can't bear to give away
And I know you'll find yourself, as well
And then maybe we'll get back to the old way

Don't lose your love, sweetheart
don't lose your dreams
don't lose yourself in this
Let's just wait and see

You've got so much left to give
to so many others out there
And so much life left to live
to let yourself go without a care

I don't want to be your last and only
if we have to stay apart
I only ask you keep me somewhere
in your big, beautiful heart

I'll never let you out of mine
no matter what happens after this
But if you don't think you can stay
You're someone I could never not miss

Don't lose your love, sweetheart
don't lose your dreams
don't lose yourself in this
Let's just wait and see...

Smoker's Contribution

crackle of hot ash and burning paper
flickering glow of a cherry
pulsating like a firefly in thick July dusk
deep inhalation through dry, cracked lips
the flick of a tongue to moisten these
grey smoke escapes, expelled with the force
of an arid southern wind
cloud rises to the sky and dissolves in heated darkness
a thick, life-roughened fingertip flicks the dying embers
flakes of used tobacco and paper float like feathers
dropped from a molting bird overhead
one last, desperate and disappointed puff to kill it
those familiar fingers drop the butt
it rolls an inch or two
then is crushed by a worn rubber sole
ground into cement that's seen too much of this filth
kicked into a gutter
to await a fifteen year decompostion
just another piece of the scenery lies there
motionless and indelible
on the cracked, life-worn asphalt.




I smoke, but I realize the devastating impact
this addiciton has on the environment
(not to mention those of us living here,
breathing the toxic fumes).
I guess I'm making a statement --
one that may make me seem hypocritical.
But I don't give a damn, really.
I know what's good and isn't good for us,
and the bastard who discovered
how to manipulate this shit
with poisons should be/have been shot.

A Time When

A Time When...

There comes a time
when Friendship dies,
it never goes back to life;

There comes a time
when You turn your back on someone,
there really is no going back;

There comes a time
that when You betray a friend,
you lose that friend forever;

There comes a time
that when You hurt a friend,
the scar is deep enough
to open the wound again;

There comes a time
that when You only think
of yourself, you lose
everyone in the process;

There comes a time
that when You choose
to take advantage of a friend,
you're throwing away
one of the greatest treasures;

Because sometimes,
there comes a time
that when You lose
something important,
You lose it FOREVER.

Dreaming Of Vertigo

So if life has taught me anything
its that tomorrow is a new day.
If it ever gets so bad that
I just can't take it anymore...
all I have to do is go to sleep.
And tomorrow, when I wake up,
the sun will still be rising in the east,
and I will have a million chances
to get things right.
I do a lot for myself now
that I never used to.
Simple things, no big deal, really.
Like taking time out just for myself,
taking little walks, or just taking time to write
I have been writing for awhile now but
Writing is my binge and purge.
Words and words and words and words....
and then at the end, the release.
The beautiful euphoria of being emptied.
But it's hard, sometimes, to write,
when I feel like it's not worth
anything to anyone but myself.
It's hard to conjure up the energy
to talk about the things
that hurt me the most,
When I know no one cares
to hear or to read about it.
I know that there is a reason
that I am so damaged.
I used to think that there must be
something amazing in store for me,
something so wonderful that only I could do,
some skill that only I could master... anymore,
I'm wondering if it has all just been
a grandiose way to make the people
who pretend to love me
feel like they are rescuing
something horrible and turning
it into something great.
I closed my eyes and
found myself dreaming about vertigo
I felt myself craving for that moment,
when you're falling, and you're just not sure
if you're going to land okay or not....
but you're hopeful. God you're hopeful.
And you believe, truly, that even if you don't land well,
the experience of this fall will be worth it...
because it is so close to flying.
so close. so.... close.
And then I woke up and realized
that I am at that moment when you realize
that you are not going to land well.
So you scramble, looking for
something to hold on to,
looking for a way to minimize damage,
trying to rationalize something
that is not rational.
You do your best to prepare
for the inevitable impact...
even though you know
that it always goes better
if you just.... let go.
Just let go. Fall. Crash.

Just a thought..

When is enough... enough??
When will you know when to stop?
to even let go?? To say that something
is just not meant to be???
Is it alright to do so?
Or does letting go mean
giving up on what you want/ed
and giving in to your fears??

How will you ever know
if you're doing the right thing?

inspire me and leave a comment ...

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear my crown of s**t
On my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

12 things I have learned

With each passing day, I get further and further from what I used to be.
Of course I still remember, and miss, a few things from the past--
but I'm getting pretty good at realizing that every time something changes,
it isn't the end of the world-- and to always be prepared for
'see you later' to mean goodbye, and for 'goodbye' to mean forever.

Here are some things I learned the past few months:

1) You can't trust everyone, even people who promise. If you even have to ask yourself if that person is trustworthy, then they probably aren't.

2) Stop trying to put things into order.
Real life doesn't fit into boxes that were drawn for it.

3) No matter what you do, and no matter how you try,
some people are just never going to like you.

4) Being grown up and boring is
a lot better than being young and in jail.

5) I am: left of center, fat, a little cocky, and a lot laidback and indifferent.
But there are a LOT worse things that I could be.

6) Sometimes I just don't FEEL like it,
and that should be okay.

7) In three years, you're not going to know any of these shitheads.
So why try and impress them now?

8) In fact, why try to impress anybody?
Just do your thing and get the hell out of here.

9) No one can give you a timeline. You'll be over it when you're over it,
and not before. Just be patient, and let time run it's course.

10) People are always going to take things out of context.

11) You cannot believe someone who promises you everything. Everything doesn't belong to them.

12) Sometimes you have to let people go to see if they come back to you.
And sometimes when they come back, you have to let them go again.

When I am an old man, lying in my bed, I don't want to look back at my life as a series of angry moments. When I close my eyes at the end of my life, I don't want a single moment of madness, of violence, to pass through my mind. I have made mistakes. I've made terrible, horrible mistakes. Some of them were non-intentional... and some were mistakes made with full prior knowledge of the possible consequences. I've hurt people. We all have. And how many of us, in that moment when we realize what we've done-- the heart-heavy feeling of guilt, the wrenching disappointment with ourselves that chokes us-- how many of us have ever known the beauty, the wonderment, the relief, of forgiveness? I have known what it is to be forgiven. To make a horrible mistake and have the person I have erred against reach down and help me up from my knees. The weightlessness of being absolved.
And I have forgiven people. I have been that person who reaches down and finds the strength to lift a person from the worst feeling... and sometimes, to be honest, it's more about me then them. It's not always about making them feel better. Sometimes, it's about me not wanting to carry the weight of being angry with them for the rest of my life. At the end of my life, I want to carry with me the image of a life lived with grace, with dignity, with as much laughter and as much beauty as I could find, create, and sustain. This is a desicion I made many years ago, as I watched them wheel my grandpa out of the church, the lid to his coffin closed over his face. And all I could think about was how he hated to sleep, because he didn't want to miss anything. And I wondered what his last thoughts were: and if in that last moment, being pissed off at someone was really what mattered to him... or if it was all the beauty, the laughter, the love, that he knew in his life. I've made a lot of mistakes, and all I can do is wish that I had learned my lessons in a different way. As for me... the best advice that I can give is the mantra that I always try to live by. Forgive everything. No exceptions. Forgive... let it go. And at the end of your life, may it be happiness and peace that finds you.... not anger and resentment.

Mary Jane Jokes

Mary Jane was walking through the forest,
and a squirrel ran up her skirt.
Mary Jane just laughed and laughed;
she knew there weren't any nuts up there.

Mary Jane was walking down the street
when a man pulled her into a dark alley
and started ripping off all her clothes.
Mary Jane just laughed and laughed;
she knew her clothes wouldn't fit him.

Mary Jane was playing on the swings one day,
swinging higher and higher. Her mother came out and said,
"Mary Jane, don't you swing to high,
the boys will be able to see your underwear."
But Mary Jane just laughed and laughed;
she knew she wasn't wearing any underwear.

Mary Jane was with her mom at the fabric store
when she saw a sign "Felt 10 cents."
Mary Jane just laughed and laughed;
she knew she could get felt for free.

Mary Jane was walking on the sea shore,
and she saw a woman in the water yelling,
"Help! Shark! Shark!" Mary Jane just laughed and laughed;
she knew that shark wasn't going to help her.

Mary Jane burnt down the barn one day,
and her mother said "Mary Jane!
You're in big trouble when your father gets home!"
Mary Jane just laughed and laughed;
she knew her father was in that barn.

Mary Jane was crossing the street with her mother.
As her mother stopped to pick up a quarter she was hit by a bus.
Mary Jane just laughed and laughed;
she knew it was only a nickel.

Mary Jane was walking down the street pushing a baby carriage
when she came to a hill with a stop sign at the bottom.
As she started down the hill the baby carriage got away from her
and dangerously raced towards the intersection.
Mary Jane just laughed and laughed;
she knew the baby carriage wouldn't stop.

"When I say, "I love you,"
it's not because I want you
or because I can't have you.
I love what you are,
what you do, how you try.
And I understand with
perfect clarity exactly
what you are."

Imaginary

Always in motion, the future is.

But so is the present. So is the past.
What you think of as the past, is not fact.
It is memory. And memories are subject
to points of view, conjecture, interpretation.
They are merely perception.
And like all points of views, conjectures,
interpretations and indeed, perceptions, they can change.
Your past can change. As can the present.
And you think to yourself, how could that be?
Did things that happen before, actually happen?
Or did you remember they happened,
merely because you wanted them to?
You fill yourself with questions that have no answers.
And when the realisation comes, it is a shock to the system
that you can barely hope to cope with. Why?
I do not know.
I do not know why events that transpire
in the here and now, can change what you thought
of what had happened before. I do not know why
the fluidty of our consciousness is so malleable,
so easily twisted into something else.
I do not know why I feel so inclined to throw away
all sense of positivity, the moment something
insidiously distracting happens.
I suppose I let my past haunt me.
I let things that have happened get to me.
I feel the agony of pain, and the euphoria of joy,
only because I let them happen.
It is a consequence, of learning detachment.
Of learning to grow old.
Of learning to treat both triumph and disaster as the same.
Indeed, Rudyard Kipling said it well.
The effeversecent enthusiasm of my idealism
seems to pale in lieu of my numbness.
A numbness brought on by death itself.
I grieve over the death of my youth.
I am alive, but I feel dead.
In many respects, I suppose I already am.
I just haven't gotten round to lying down yet.
There must be hope, many would say.
There must be some way of turning this all around,
of bringing back the smiles and the laughter.
Of bringing back hope and the casual happiness
of an uncomplicated life. But what for?
Where is that spark? That flash of inspiration?
That small motivation needed to go on,
to believe in all that I have stood by.
To defend what I know is right.
You were there.
You were there not so long ago.
When did you die?

Name

And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away
And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame
But if you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name

And I won't tell em your name
Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are
You grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em your name

I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are come back down
And I won't tell em your name

Iris

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yea you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Better Days

And you ask me what
I want this year
And I try to make
this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe
we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes
wrapped in strings
And desire and love
and empty things
Just a chance that maybe
we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night
the world begins again

And it's someplace simple
where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust
and peace while we're alive
And the one poor child
that saved this world
And there's 10 million more
who probably could
If we all just stopped
and said a prayer for them

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night
the world begins again

I wish everyone
was loved tonight
And somehow stop
this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe
we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night
the world begins again

Ok so the last entry was some html that an old friend tried to leave in the chat box but wouldn't work, and it seems not to work here either, anyways... i may add more later, who knows :)

Suicidal Tendency

I lay on the floor
Thinking about the things I've done
The people I hurt
The hearts thats een broken

With the gun to my head
I wonder why I am the way I am
This facade of a strong-willed...unique individual
When I'm nothing but a wreckless bastard

No one can stop me for what I'm about to do
But I can't help but think
Should I live for myself
Or die for them

One Year and Six Months

So I got to see Joey, for a short while before he went to Indy for a few days before flying back to Vegas. Helen and I ended up taking him, crystal and baby katrina to Indy... so we had a lil while to talk, and try to catch up. Then it was a long ride home, listeing to cd's and most songs reminding me of me and joey... on in paticualar is the one you'll find the lyrics to below, I changed 2 lines of the song however to fit more to how I feel... the tital is one year six months, and that is how long its been since they moved to Vegas... and it seems like a lifetime since we got to hang out... and I could tell it was like he didn't know me anymore, and in a way I guess he dosn't... much like i don't really know him anymore,... well read the lyrics, I hope you like them... anyways, I am going to bed now, it's real late, and I have to work tomorrow.

Sew this up with threads of reason and regret
So I will not forget. I will not forget
How this felt one year six months ago
I know I cannot forget. I cannot forget

I'm falling into memories of you
and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you

I can tell that you don't know me anymore
It's easy to forget, sometimes we just forget
And being on this road is anything but sure
Maybe we'll forget, I hope we don't forget

I'm falling into memories of you
and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you

So many talks till ours of the night
I'm forgeting all the words we spoke
Close up these eyes, try not to cry
All that I've got to pull me through
is memories of you
Memories of you
Memories of you
Memories of you

I'm falling into memories of you
and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that we can share
Falling into memories of you
and things we used to do

....Joey

Even though distance has brought us apart I want you to know that you are the bestest friend I ever had I remember when I use to live next to you We would always do somethign whenever we had the chance You always listened to my problems I listened to yours too, We told each other secrets And we talked about so many other things, I remember how we Use to make each other laugh, And even the times we've cried I thank God for giving me a friend like you, For putting You in my way, I love you as a friend, You are like my brother from another mother
To me, Thanks for everything, I appreciate it, Thanks for All those birthday and christmas presents you've given me Thanks for all those beautiful moments and beautiful Memories that now live on my mind, I will always remember them As well as you, I want you to know that I'll never forget you You will always be in my heart and prayers, As well as your daughter, wife, family and sisters, I wish you the best of luck with life You are very special to me you're an amazing person All I know is that I could have a thousand friends but none Of them will ever compare to you, Stay strong, I'll try To keep in touch, don't let anybody bring you down
Remember I'm always here for you, I'm always one call away Please don't ever change, take good care of yourself And always remember that you're My Best Friend

3 o'clock night

... there'll always someone out there
frustrating over something or other.
Whether it be a writer pulling at his hair
because his writings came out all discombobulated
or an artist tearing up his 10th half-finished artwork
into a million pieces because he couldn't catch
the way the shadow dances in the candlelight.
For every 3 o'clock at night, someone out there
will be lying wide awake on his bed, feeling
all lonely and depressed because the silence
of the night makes him yearn for company.
But unfortunately, there'll always be a 3 o'clock at night.
So, we'll just have to think of all the happy things
and keep our minds properly occupied
until the awful hour pass

Dad...

i dont like it when you talk to me
coz every time you do,
you just critisize me,
or put me down,
or just make me feel bad.
and i dont like feeling bad.
if i want to feel bad,
i can do it myself.