I've spent a lot of time
over the past 24 hours
thinking about my past.
I've thought of all the mistakes
I thought I made,
all the wrong turns I'd taken,
how much more fun I could have had,
and what I would do differently.
It all boils down to one thing though;
I would not have done anything differently
even knowing what I know now.
There are things I've left
unsaid for far too long, though.
I've never been forward enough
with my true emotions and thoughts.
I've always existed in front of a great facade.
I've never been allowed to fully pursue
any of the things I truly love;
I've never allowed myself to, that is.
I've never been willing to deal
with the ramifications of publicizing
my more eccentric interests
or in telling people the real truth
about why I often act the way I do.
I never tell anyone that
I'm a scared little boy
that never learned to stop
hiding under the covers.
I never learned to stop running away.
Fear consumes me, on a regular basis.
My mental health has gone into
a steady downhill spiral
over the last few years.
as it's hard for me to even
figure out who I am anymore.
The relationships I have
with my friends are falling apart.
Several of them I fear
are on the end of an
indefinite termination.
Once more, I fear that they are.
I'm afraid, that's all I am.
I'm afraid to face the truth
of passion that I see in certain places;
I'm afraid of pointing out
what I am afraid of.
When I was in fourth grade,
I gave up fear for Lent.
That sounds absolutely ridiculous,
but for some reason at the point
in my life I had the will power to pull it off.
I actually learned to stop being afraid of *anything*.
Mind you that affect has drastically worn off
and my self-discipline is essentially
worthless at this point,
but I think it may be time
for me to return to the old adage
"I must not fear." or
"The consequences don't outweigh the risk of gain."
Exercising that other part of my brain,
the clumsy part that causes me
to fall in love at a moment's notice,
I often times become consumed in that fear.
That's where I've been for the last few years.
The one most of my friends
have come to know and love
is the left-brained asshole
that has a solid retort to any
bullshit you throw in his face.
The one I've been is
the right-brained pussy
that can't even look a girl in the eye
for more than an eighth of a second.
The only way to recover from this
in the way that I really should
is to use my left brain to discipline my right brain.
I've tried yelling at myself,
all of those other crazy things
that make me lose any
remnant of sanity
I may have once held
within my feeble grasp.
But the way it turns out
is that that idea just doesn't work.
I'm still not sure why,
but I know that a new approach
is exactly what I need.
First of all - if ever I fear a thing,
then I must now do that thing.
I must modify my reflexes
as I learned to when I was younger
to be the reverse of nature.
over the past 24 hours
thinking about my past.
I've thought of all the mistakes
I thought I made,
all the wrong turns I'd taken,
how much more fun I could have had,
and what I would do differently.
It all boils down to one thing though;
I would not have done anything differently
even knowing what I know now.
There are things I've left
unsaid for far too long, though.
I've never been forward enough
with my true emotions and thoughts.
I've always existed in front of a great facade.
I've never been allowed to fully pursue
any of the things I truly love;
I've never allowed myself to, that is.
I've never been willing to deal
with the ramifications of publicizing
my more eccentric interests
or in telling people the real truth
about why I often act the way I do.
I never tell anyone that
I'm a scared little boy
that never learned to stop
hiding under the covers.
I never learned to stop running away.
Fear consumes me, on a regular basis.
My mental health has gone into
a steady downhill spiral
over the last few years.
as it's hard for me to even
figure out who I am anymore.
The relationships I have
with my friends are falling apart.
Several of them I fear
are on the end of an
indefinite termination.
Once more, I fear that they are.
I'm afraid, that's all I am.
I'm afraid to face the truth
of passion that I see in certain places;
I'm afraid of pointing out
what I am afraid of.
When I was in fourth grade,
I gave up fear for Lent.
That sounds absolutely ridiculous,
but for some reason at the point
in my life I had the will power to pull it off.
I actually learned to stop being afraid of *anything*.
Mind you that affect has drastically worn off
and my self-discipline is essentially
worthless at this point,
but I think it may be time
for me to return to the old adage
"I must not fear." or
"The consequences don't outweigh the risk of gain."
Exercising that other part of my brain,
the clumsy part that causes me
to fall in love at a moment's notice,
I often times become consumed in that fear.
That's where I've been for the last few years.
The one most of my friends
have come to know and love
is the left-brained asshole
that has a solid retort to any
bullshit you throw in his face.
The one I've been is
the right-brained pussy
that can't even look a girl in the eye
for more than an eighth of a second.
The only way to recover from this
in the way that I really should
is to use my left brain to discipline my right brain.
I've tried yelling at myself,
all of those other crazy things
that make me lose any
remnant of sanity
I may have once held
within my feeble grasp.
But the way it turns out
is that that idea just doesn't work.
I'm still not sure why,
but I know that a new approach
is exactly what I need.
First of all - if ever I fear a thing,
then I must now do that thing.
I must modify my reflexes
as I learned to when I was younger
to be the reverse of nature.
Secondly - it is time that I stop
caring whether or not I do
a thing the correct way.
No matter what, certain things
need to be done and there is nothing
that will change that fact.
So then shall they be done.
caring whether or not I do
a thing the correct way.
No matter what, certain things
need to be done and there is nothing
that will change that fact.
So then shall they be done.
Thirdly - My volition for
the strength to get through the day
must continue to grow
exponentially to overcome
the onset of difficulties to come.
the strength to get through the day
must continue to grow
exponentially to overcome
the onset of difficulties to come.
Lastly - I must be fervent
in the studies that interest
me the most.
If I am ever to make anythying of myself,
that is the thing that I will be made of.
Those "eccentric interests"
are exactly what define me
as an individual,
exactly the means that I can
be differentiated from
others like myself.
The number of people
really like me becomes
fewer in number
by the moment
and by the day.
so then I tell you that this
is the truth of myself.
No matter where I go
or what I do,
I will be afraid of it,
and so then I shall do it
in the only name that I know:
the name of courage.
In the morning I will find myself
wondering what the hell
I was ever thinking
the night before,
and I will be unable
to hold up to the standards
I have set forth here tonight.
Nonetheless, the progress I make
each day to change my mind itself
will be aided by what
I have just written.
No stone will be left unturned any longer.
I must not fear.
in the studies that interest
me the most.
If I am ever to make anythying of myself,
that is the thing that I will be made of.
Those "eccentric interests"
are exactly what define me
as an individual,
exactly the means that I can
be differentiated from
others like myself.
The number of people
really like me becomes
fewer in number
by the moment
and by the day.
so then I tell you that this
is the truth of myself.
No matter where I go
or what I do,
I will be afraid of it,
and so then I shall do it
in the only name that I know:
the name of courage.
In the morning I will find myself
wondering what the hell
I was ever thinking
the night before,
and I will be unable
to hold up to the standards
I have set forth here tonight.
Nonetheless, the progress I make
each day to change my mind itself
will be aided by what
I have just written.
No stone will be left unturned any longer.
I must not fear.
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