I just want to know....

I just don't understand.
Why can't I have it.
The tears come down.
This will never end.
I won't kill myself though,
because I have that stupid hope.
Hope that things will get better.
But they never do.
People say God has
a plan for everything.
Well he has a pretty
crappy plan for me,
if that's even true.
Which I doubt it is.
That's probably why...
I don't think I really believe.
I mean trust me,
my life is pretty good.
Except the one thing I really want,
and I've wanted for quite some time.
But it's so important to me,
that is seems to cancel out
anything good that happens.
It shouldn't mean so much. but it does.
Everyone else gets turn after turn,
while I don't even get one.
I don't understand.
I'm so horrible.
I really want something
horrible to happen
to some of these people
so they'd understand.
STOP it. Stop telling me
to smile and be happy.
YOU don't know.
You don't know anything about it,
and you never will.
And the ones that kill me the most
are the ones who don't believe at all.
How can His plan for them be so good,
when they flat out say He isn't there.
Which is why I'm becoming one of them...
I don't want to though.
But really, I don't understand.