Like cigarette smoke

The cigarette
is still giving off smoke.
The last exhalations
of its dying embers
flitting up into the air,
and slowly disappearing.
Much like the words
of a former lover
as he fades into memory.
The smell stays.
It always does.
It sticks to you,
clings to your nose
as though held in place
by the gravity
that your own mass
would exert on its surroudings.
Much like the memories
of a past gone by,
which refuse to fade away.
It is hard to say
what junctures in life entail.
We will always fail to see
past our own choices,
bound as we are
to previous experience
and painful recollections.
Where shall we lean next,
which road should we take now.
Does it matter,
what the choice is, in the end?
I will pick my heart on this road,
for my mind has rarely served me
as well as it has been hoped.
For the poem of my soul,
the heart will write in
its own inimitable grandeur.

Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to

One of these days, I'm gonna completely lose my mind.
My tenuous hold on reality and acceptable behaviour will fade,
and I will truly be a wildcard in society.
Inhibitions lost, respect for authority and civility completely absent,
there will be many victims to my rage and retribution.
Sure, I have a list. There are four names on it, but it is not written in stone.
These four names have an interesting connection,
but we won't get into that right now.
This post is more about complete strangers.

Do you speed in parking lots?

Have you ever honked at someone
slowly backing out of a parking space,
angry that they impeded your progress?

Have you ever entered a building
while someone held the door for you,
but instead of making that fake little put-your-arm-up-to-give-them-clearance-to-let-go-of-the-door gesture,
saying thank you, or even acknowledging their existence in any way,
just walking in as if they were meant to hold the door open for you?

Are you rude to people that work at
gas stations or fast-food restaurants?

Do you tip, like, I don't know, 5% or so?

Do you call to ask where your pizza is 40 minutes after ordering?

Do you give anyone, anywhere, a hard time
even though you know they are just doing their job?

Do you wipe boogers on bathroom walls?

Do you fail to flush the toilet and/or wash your hands in public restrooms?

Do you walk down the middle of a hallway,
no matter how many people are walking with you,
shoulder to shoulder, AND walk slowly?

If someone says "hello" or "how are you doing,"
do you completely ignore them, or just look at them?

Do you take an amount of items that is obviously more
than the allotted limit for items in the express checkout lane?

If anything in the above sounds familiar;
if you've done one of those things ever, or often,
I've got a question for you.
Who the fuck do you think you are?
These are the people who will most feel
my righteous thunder of insanity.
When I no longer care, and consequences are moot,
it will be violators of the guides of common decency
who will most feel my wrath.

I've already started speaking up.
When people walk in a door I've held
without acknowledging me or the door being
MAGICALLY OPEN FOR THEM,
I simply say "Hey, no problem! My pleasure."
When I say "hello" or "how are you" to someone,
and they don't respond, I say something like "hey, me too!"
And you know what? It feels good.

It feels a little too good.

Missing

"Missing someone isn't about
how long it has been
since you have seen them
or the amount of time
since you've talked.
It's about that very moment
when you're doing something
and you wish that they
were right there with you."

Missing
I believe is an appropriate name for this blog
because it can be read as two ways.

1. The act of missing
2. People you are missing

There are some people in life
that you would never like to lose,
but disappear regardless of your feelings.
This blog is to them.

It is a fact of life that some people
you would rather never be parted with
inevitably leave, not necessarily by death.

THE FORGOTTEN:

Sometimes people that you care about more than anything
simply forget about you, or worse you forget about them.
Only years down the road do you ever realize
what they meant to you, and that you can never have them back.
(unless you are lucky)

THE DESEASED

This is probably the most common of the "Missing" categories.
Death is an inevitable part of life,
though most people refuse to admit it.
The passing of someone that you truly care about
is never easy, but in some ways is probably
the most bearable of the missing cases.
I say this because at least you know
that if they were alive you could be with them,
on the otherhand it can be the most painful
if you do not believe that there is
life after death because they cease to be,
and will never ever be with you again.

THE TRAVELERS

This, as far as I'm concerned,
can be the most painful of disappearances.
The disappearances that don't want to be found,
or at least by you anyways.
I say that is the most painful
because usually you are to be at fault
that the person no longer wishes to be near you,
and you can think about that as long as you wish
and pray that it was different, or that they will come back.
The truth of the matter is, that doesn't necessarily,
and probably in a lot of cases, doesnt happen.

So what choice do we have other than to miss?
In the case of dearly departed we must live on
because nothing we can do can bring them back...
but what about the cases of the forgotten and the travellers?
What would be the appropriate answers?
The thing is as much as we miss people,
it doesn't necessarily mean
the person we are missing shares our feelings.
Nowadays feelings never seem to be shared in equal amounts,
someone is always way over,
and the other far short.
So how do you know if it is right to make the leap?
Try to reach the missing...
and in the case of the travellers
will it bring them more anguish?

In the case of the travellers it is entirely possible
they miss you as much as you miss them
and are afraid to act because they feel dumb
about packing up and leaving without notice.
But if you are willing to take the risk,
do you really miss them?
Because you are acting in order
to deminish your own feelings,
but what if you are bringing chaos upon
their newly constructed lives?
So is it selfish?
Suppose that depends on whether
they miss you in return,
but how do you know?
Back to square one again.

The past is the past,
but should we try to make amends with it
or accept it as it is?
Is it alright to possibly disrupt
the future in order to make amends with the past?
Or perhaps fix the past to create a new future?

The scale is balanced but
how does everything weigh in?
And what was everything worth to begin with?

I walk alone

It was said to me...

Why, despite everything,
do you still go on the line
that you've chosen to?
Inspite of all that we,
your friends,
have advised you against?

It pains me that my friends
seem to want me to go back
into my lil bubble world.
And that it's an endless cycle
of expectations on this matter.
And I cannot find a way
to remind them that
the essence of our friendship
is to be there at the bottom of the bridge,
to catch the other when one jumps...

Maybe that's why today,
after so many days,
I am going to fall back on
the words of Algernon Black:

Why not let people differ
about their answers to
the great mysteries of
the Universe?
Let each seek one's
own way to the highest,
to one's own sense
of supreme loyalty in life
~ one's ideal of life.
Let each philosophy,
each world-view
bring forth its truth
and beauty to a larger perspective,
that people may grow
in vision, stature and dedication.

Why can't we all just move from apathy,
from an acceptance of the evils in life,
to face the possibilities of the world,
to make life sweet for one another instead of bitter?

I believe in being merciful,
and with that comes forgiveness.

I believe that justice
will eventually prevail
and that the Heavens'
have eyes who sees what I don't.

So why can't everyone
who cares for me
then believe in my beliefs?
Why make an already
awkward life even more so,
by pushing things
such that some journeys,
I choose to walk alone?

What happened to
"Be there for the joy.
Be there for the tears.
Be there for each other"?

What Happens When You Rush/Push Things

One day, a man found a cocoon for a butterfly.
When a small opening appeared,
he sat and watched the butterfly
for several hours as it struggled
to force its body through the little hole.
Then it seemed to stop making any progress.
It appeared as if the butterfly
had gotten as far as it could
and could go no farther.
So the man decided to help the butterfly.
He took a pair of scissors
and snipped the remaining bit of the cocoon.
The butterfly then emerged easily.
But something was strange.
The butterfly had a swollen body and shriveled wings.
The man continued to watch the butterfly.
He expected that, at any moment,
the wings would enlarge and expand
to be able to support the body,
which he thought would contract in time.
Neither happened.
In fact, the butterfly spent
the rest of its life crawling around
with a swollen body and deformed wings.
It was never able to fly.
What the man in his kindness and haste
did not understand, was that
the restricting cocoon
and the struggle required
for the butterfly to get through
the small opening of the cocoon
are necessary to force the fluid
from the body of the butterfly
into its wings so that it would be
ready for flight once it achieved
its freedom from the cocoon.
Sometimes struggles are exactly
what we need in our life.
Going through all of our life
without any obstacles would cripple us.
We would not be as strong
as we could have been.
Not only that, we could never fly.

After Glow

I have been thinking about change a lot lately....
And how the changes in the lives of those closest to me,
are going to affect me...
There are not many I would count close to me…
not many that I have let thru the lines
I have drawn up in my life.

Earlier this week, someone wrote me
and said that he hoped that one day
I will see him as a "true friend,"
and the last few days,
I have wondered on the definition of a true friend,
and the point of having any in this day and age
of globe-trotters, and fair weathered-ness.

Touch me and I will follow ~ in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go, I will find my way when I see your eyes
Now I'm living in your afterglow

In many ways, I feel elated and extremely excited
for the changes that are taking place in
the people's lives that I hold dear in my heart.
Yet, a part of me cannot help but also curse the day
that I moved out of my wee little hole
and allowed the friendships to grow
to the state they are now...

Cause when they start to move away,
I'm the one left behind.
And I wonder if I am being a true friend
by thinking such thoughts
~ it's a hateful and spiteful thing to say,
though it is said without malice nor envy.

Whenever you remember times gone by
Remember how we held our heads so high
When all this world was there for us
And we believed we could touch the sky
Whenever you remember ~ I'll be there
Remember how we reached that dream together
Whenever you remember

It's just me admonishing myself
cause I know better
~ Life is full of vanishing acts.
And I have had enough of it to know
that IF something or someone
I didn't know I had, disappeared
- I wouldn't miss it.

I want so much to scream out -
Don't change, don't ever leave...
cause what's to become of me when you do?

Hard days, good times, blue skies, dark nights
I want you to take me ~ wherever you're going to
Maybe say that you'll save me.. a seat next to you.

But it's a bit late to lament on it,
for the lines were established
and they were crossed.
And it's too late to re-draw them now.
But if that's the case,
then why am I still here…
stating and asking…

There for me, every time I've been away
Will you be there for me, thinking of me everyday
Are you my destiny, words I never dared to say
Will you be there for me?

Am I destined to forever walk this road alone?
Please tell me it isn't always going to be so
I don't think I can walk anymore
If I have to go on walking by myself...