Broke Sucks

I keep walking out to the kitchen.
I open the door to the fridge.
I open the door to the freezer.

Nope. Nothing.

And I walk away.
I've done this about
five times in the last few hours.
I'm hungry. I'm thirsty.
I don't want to go to the store,
and I can't really afford to anyway.
But water and oatmeal
just don't sound appetizing.

Last night I finally gave in
and made myself some
brown sugar oatmeal.
But tonight we don't even
have milk to put in it.

Dammit.
I hope I past the test tomorrow.
This is getting rediculous.

Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to

One of these days, I'm gonna completely lose my mind.
My tenuous hold on reality and acceptable behaviour will fade,
and I will truly be a wildcard in society.
Inhibitions lost, respect for authority and civility completely absent,
there will be many victims to my rage and retribution.
Sure, I have a list. There are four names on it, but it is not written in stone.
These four names have an interesting connection,
but we won't get into that right now.
This post is more about complete strangers.

Do you speed in parking lots?

Have you ever honked at someone
slowly backing out of a parking space,
angry that they impeded your progress?

Have you ever entered a building
while someone held the door for you,
but instead of making that fake little put-your-arm-up-to-give-them-clearance-to-let-go-of-the-door gesture,
saying thank you, or even acknowledging their existence in any way,
just walking in as if they were meant to hold the door open for you?

Are you rude to people that work at
gas stations or fast-food restaurants?

Do you tip, like, I don't know, 5% or so?

Do you call to ask where your pizza is 40 minutes after ordering?

Do you give anyone, anywhere, a hard time
even though you know they are just doing their job?

Do you wipe boogers on bathroom walls?

Do you fail to flush the toilet and/or wash your hands in public restrooms?

Do you walk down the middle of a hallway,
no matter how many people are walking with you,
shoulder to shoulder, AND walk slowly?

If someone says "hello" or "how are you doing,"
do you completely ignore them, or just look at them?

Do you take an amount of items that is obviously more
than the allotted limit for items in the express checkout lane?

If anything in the above sounds familiar;
if you've done one of those things ever, or often,
I've got a question for you.
Who the fuck do you think you are?
These are the people who will most feel
my righteous thunder of insanity.
When I no longer care, and consequences are moot,
it will be violators of the guides of common decency
who will most feel my wrath.

I've already started speaking up.
When people walk in a door I've held
without acknowledging me or the door being
MAGICALLY OPEN FOR THEM,
I simply say "Hey, no problem! My pleasure."
When I say "hello" or "how are you" to someone,
and they don't respond, I say something like "hey, me too!"
And you know what? It feels good.

It feels a little too good.

Let it go!!!

This is just an epiphany I had and I really don't know what brought this on:

There are people who can walk away from you... hear me when I tell you this.
When people can walk away from you: let them walk.

Don't ever try to talk another person into

staying with you, loving you, calling you,
caring about you, coming to see you,

and/or staying attached to you.
I mean, hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk.

Your destiny is never tied to anybody

that left you in the first place.

People leave you because they are not joined to you....
and if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

It doesn't mean that they are a bad person
it just means that their part in the story,

YOUR story, is over.

And you've got to know when

people's part in your story is over
so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead;

You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over.

Don't beg people to stay. Let them go!!

If you are holding onto something or someone
that doesn't want you and was never intended for your life,
then you need to LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pain...

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job

that no longer meets your needs or talents...

LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude, please...

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...

LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past

and your spirituality is trying

to take you to the next level...

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship...

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone

who won't even try to help themselves...

LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed....

LET IT GO!!!

Words to understand, but never to be spoken

Maybe there should be a chance,

maybe everything should make sense,

like the way I take risks.

I do them because it makes me feel alive,

standing around waiting for the consequences

of my actions to hit is far from uninteresting.

I live for a moment that has yet to happen.

I look for an open door in a barred down hallway.

I want to show my potential

by smashing through these walls,

these barriers that have been up for far too long.

Let me take a risk,

let me do things no one thought I would do

because after all just me is all i am.

I am the mirror of your friends,

I am what you think me to be

only because its easier for you to understand.

Only a few people can unlock the true me,

and they don't care exactly why I am the way I am

in front of different people but lets not conceal your judgements

because it makes it easier to improve on ones self.

I am the standing words that everyone likes to read.

I can be your best friend because I envy you,

or I can be your worst nightmare

because you remind me of myself.

I can't show you the true potential

because everything is dim and pointless.

I can speak to you if you want me to

but I have no reason to continue,

I dont like the way you think sometimes

because its too simplistic

and everything I do is so much more serious and complex.

Dont give me your sympathies because frankly,

they are less then believeable.

If you see me in a crowd, please feel free to talk to me,

but don't wait for me to speak while holding your breath

because you will lose your oxygen waiting

and fall to the inevitable.

Truth. Freedom. Beauty. Love.

Bohemian pillars of belief.

Idealistic notions,
borne of a time when humanity
embraced the underlying virtues
that were the bedrock of all
that was good in this world.
Truth. Freedom. Beauty. Love.
*sigh* Where have you all gone?
Why have you disappeared,
oh pillars that I have believed in

for the better part of 23 years?

Have you deserted me now,

when my faith, my belief in

idealism is at its weakest?

My eyes are almost dry now.

I can feel the streaks

they have left on my cheeks.

Downwards, they went,

burrowing a furrow

through my layered being,

piercing me to my core.

Unbidden. Uninvited.

Coarseness rubbing up against

the gentle fragility of my weary soul.

They serve a biological function, no doubt.

But I just think it's God's way of letting you know,

without any shadow of a doubt,

what you are feeling,

at that very moment.

I hate them, and love them at the same time.

I love the fact that they portray the honest me.

And I hate them for that fact too.

I love them because they are at times, my only outlet.

Again, I hate them for that very same reason.

I embrace my tears, and shun them.

And that is the fundamental

simplicity of the ideal of Truth.

We look for it, yet find ourselves afraid to embrace it.

We revel in it, yet feel the pinch of its consequences.

And have the audacity to complain about it afterwards.

Truth has always been impactful.

Either in the here and now,

or further down the line.

Be it painful, or otherwise.

The lesson? Simple.

We can never run away from what is true.

Turn around. Embrace it. Deal with it.

It is always better, than pretending it is not there.

The trials of today will serve you

in better stead for tomorrow.

And you will never outrun pain.

Never.

We mollycoddle ourselves with the safety nets

we put up for contingencies that

may or may not affect our lives.

Insurance schemes. Refunds. Warranties.

God parents. Wills. Maps. Directions.

Handbook Guidelines. Laws.

All are restrictions. All are barriers.

Barriers to what? To freedom.

True freedom.

Freedom, absolute true Freedom,

scares the shit out of humanity.

Imagine yourself alone. In the middle of a forest.

No mobile phone. No wallet. No map. No directions.

Nothing. Just you. What are you?

Marooned, obviously. All alone. Trapped.

With no rescue forthcoming,

nor any sense of where to even begin.

Yet within this sphere of your own existence,

you are FREE. Free to go where ever

your legs can take you,

where ever your mind wants you to.

You are not bound by your identity card

to stay on that piece of land.

You are not bound by laws

that say you cannot cut down a tree,

and make some space for yourself.

You are not bound by the constraints

that people around you would impose.

You can be as loud as you want,

whenever you want.

You are free, from the hope of rescue.

You are free, from being dependent on other people.

That is what Freedom is.

The freedom, to be yourself.

Doesn't that scare you?

To be free, absolutely, unabashedly,

irrefutably free, is to be alone.

Yoda famously said, Luminous beings we are.

Not this crude matter.

Souls, as you would call them.

Everything else in life, is artificiality.

Nature, is artificiality.

Thnigs that are not made by man's hand,

are in themselves, artificial.

Constructed, put together,

built, grown. It does not matter.

They are artificial. How so?

Because they are made up of other things.

They are not what they originally were.

And anything that has been changed

from what it originally was, is artificial.

Glorious sunsets.

Gigantic mountain ranges.

Sprawling green forests.

Beautiful, are they not?

But they are not true beauty.

Beauty has often been said

to come in many forms.

As the saying fondly goes,

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

But who is the 'beholder' exactly?

Each and every individual?

You? Me? None.

For we are all the same.

Humanity is the 'beholder',

for we all 'see' beauty the same way.

True beauty transcends any boundary.

Any. Boundary.

Be they literary. Physical.

Cultural. Economical. Genetic. Conditioning.

When we see a sunset, and say it is beautiful,

it is not mere colours nor our lone Star

that brings us to this profound realisation.

It is the soul of what we see.

When you look into the eyes of someone you love,

is he beautiful? He is, isn't he?

And you knew it, without even

needing to see the rest of him.

The word 'beauty', and all its other forms,

have been abused and bloodied in spirit and meaning.

We have come to associate beauty

with what we can tag with our eyes,

with merely what our sight can tell us.

But doesn't true beauty transcend anything, and everything?

You will know beauty when you see it.

You will know beauty when you feel it.

Touch it. Understand it.

And to do that, must we not embrace

the truth of our own lies?

Cut ourselves free of our own inhibitions?

Once you realise that beauty

is so much more than we could ever hope for it to be,

then you will have taken your first steps

into a world far removed from the one you live in now.

A world of love.

Love is neither pain, nor suffering.

Neither is it joy, or happiness.

Love does not entail trust,

nor does it encourage jealousy and suspicion.

Love is not appreciation, nor care.

Neither is it sacrifice, or risk.

It is not anything, nor any single one thing.

All these things, they are the artificiality of human emotions.

The constructs of human minds.

Grown from our dying need to use words

on everything we have.

The love we are so fond of describing,

and so outward it may seem in appearance, is a lie.

And we are guilty of propogating it beyond measure.

Truth. Freedom. Beauty. Love.

I don't understand any of them.

But I believe.

I Dare You

Look me in the eyes, Tell me you hate me.
Then validate your point by proving you know nothing about me.

Glance at me on the street, form opinions that quickly degrade
Bet if I asked, you'd lie about what you think.

I dare you,

Judge me. Take one look at me
Decide that I'm "just a fag"

Talk to me. Hear me out while I defend my case
Amazingly I'm not that different from you.

I dare you,

Give me the chance to explain, allow me one shot at making it big
Let me take my time to shine

Taste my fears, accept me for the differences we possess
Treat me with respect

I dare you,

Laugh in my face, you know I'll only prove you wrong.
Lower my importance based on my sexuality

Read my works of art, suddenly I'm not so different,
Strange what experience does to a person, eh?

I dare you,

To treat me fairly, though I'm different.
Ignore the fact that I am not the "norm"
Don't make me fight you for a chance

To judge me, form ideas, though we've never met
Undermine my importance here

But finally, I dare you,

Hear my story. Watch the words spill from trembly lips
Feel the passion in my voice

Give me a single chance to prove
That I'm no different than anyone else,
That I'll make it in the end.

You know I'll beat the odds.