Coming Around

You know, I've been thinking.

For a long time now, I've had practically no patience for people, especially with regards to romantic interests. I never thought it would be the case, but after a few bad relationships, I felt like I was completely incapable of giving anymore. I bought-in to a flawed mindset: I figured that I had already given too much. Looking back, I felt that I had compromised too much of myself in order to make poor relationships work. While that's true to an extent, I was missing the point all along. During these relationships with men I was actually incompatible with, I lost things.

I lost self-confidence. Not in myself, per se, but in certain facets of my personality. I noticed recently that I'll say things that are innocent and/or acceptable on their own merits, but because I'm so accustomed to the mentally unstable inquisitions of former lovers, I'll immediately justify what I've said to minimalize any confusion. Any friction. When you've had "what the hell is that supposed to mean?" thrown at you over and over, you start to immediately go into damage control. This is usually unnecessary with emotionally-capable adults,

I also lost a lot of perspective... or, rather, I gained a new perspective. Once I realized that the problem wasn't with me, I ran full-steam ahead in the other direction: I lost any and all accountability for myself. I started thinking that I would just wait until I found someone who would be exactly what I wanted, having little patience with any sort of compromise. I'd keep myself closed off, and once I felt that there was something I didn't like, I'd cut them loose and move on. I used to pray for someone to care about, and who would care about me. Then I just started hoping for someone to tolerate.

I'm starting to come around again, though. I think I'd be pretty happy with finding someone to care about, and taking the time to figure out the balance between who I am, and who he needs me to be. Life is about balance, and compromise, while keeping perspective on what is important to you. Maybe I'll find him soon, maybe I'll have to wait some more... and maybe, just maybe, we've already spoken.