I find this page magnetic at seemingly random intervals. I nearly forget it exists, then, usually in the dead of night, I recall opening the mental floodgates on a glorified web-based Notepad.

So here I am. Once more, I have an Entry open with absolutely nothing specific to say, yet the fingers type. Words never seem to really mean what I need them to mean when I find myself here, but all anyone can do is try.

I don't really know why these things happen. I can't go about specifically mentioning what 'these things' may or may not be, but it's safe to say that it's a topic we've all dealt with or will have to deal with.

It's like a lightswitch. I know it's me, but is it my fault? Just one day it is as if I wake up, and I realize my jigsaw puzzle is together, just not what I expected.

Maybe the problem is that either my expectations of things are wrong. Maybe I don't really know what it is I want. Would it be considered "shallow" of me to want some things in my life to be "shallower"? Some times life is too serious, I realized that I don't want things to be that way, and I naturally try to take a step or two backwards.

The problem is that life doesn't care much for attempted rewinding.

It's just that... life is a series of jobs with all-too-many work-related injuries. Don't get me wrong, I love my line of work... but some things shouldn't be a job. Some things, like eating ice cream, playing a video game, being with friends, etc, shouldn't require me to... feel leashed.

It's cliched, I realize that, but possibly for good reason.

It's really not that those things aren't everything that I'd want in that area. Honestly. It's just... you know, I really like hiking, but despite my love for it, sometimes you need to stop and take a break along the trail, or just not start a trail at all. And it's not that you don't want to hike anymore, it's just that you get tired. You're tired of having to exert yourself physically to enjoy the experience. You just want to do something simpler for a while, to perhaps recuperate. Or just do something new, to keep things fresh.

I can't be the only one who feels this way. And it's difficult when more than one person is involved in things, but it's not always a matter of choice.

I would love to have a quality medium steak daily. But sometimes... just sometimes... I'd want a hot pocket, or french fries. I know what's good, what's more refined and worthy, and maybe some people could live exclusively with that... but at this point in my life... I'd feel like my dining options were too narrow, even if they were great.

Maybe that's not the best analogy.

...Maybe I'm just being selfish.

The Ties That Bind

I was going through my list of contacts, and I started to fall into just one more spiral of existentialism.

I have some form of relationship with each person on that list, some considerably more or less than others. Some more caring, some more spiteful. Some more apathetic, some more passionate.

It's as if a line is drawn between me and each one of these people (just as there is between me and anyone else within my life). Each line is drawn just a little bit differently.

I wonder about some of them. I don't talk to a lot of them anymore, but I keep them there.

Nostalgia? Maybe some sort of love for these people I don't yet have the age and wisdom to understand? Some of these people I've grown up with. I've felt close with at one time or another. Maybe it's a futile attempt at holding onto Yesterday whilst reaching for Tomorrow, all the while balancing on the stepping stone that is Today.

What strikes me, each and every time I see a few of these contacts, is how different things could be.

What if I had said those things to one, instead of the other person? What if I had done things just a little different, took you up, turned you down, showed interest or a lack thereof...

What if you picked up each of those individual, slightly-different lines and swapped them all.

Where would I be? Would I still be where I am now? Would I still be sitting alone in my bedroom on my computer, with music screaming in my ears and Comedy Central on in the background?

...or would I be anywhere else in the world? Listening to something different, watching something else, and being somebody other than me.

I feel as if it's almost unfair that I'll never know.

Fate is our dispositional choices.

Position Avaliable

Job Title:
Life Manager

Hours:
Full-time, on call 24-7

Job Description:
You will be responsible
for the management of
client’s wayward life.
You will be dictating his choices
and ensuring that he avoids
all obviously stupid mistakes.
You will need to explain
basic concepts very specifically,
with the objective of leading him
into a happy and fulfilled life.

Qualifications / Must-haves:
- excellent code of ethics

- intelligence in life and art

- experience with all issues
facing someone who is peculiar, and neurotic
and a proven ability
to simplify and distill these issues

- dedication and commitment to your job
[preferably already know and love client
as this will minimize on-the-job-training]

- discretion and ability to sense
when client just wants you to leave him alone

- attitude that life must be lived to the fullest

- ability to assert authority as client
can be somewhat argumentative/rebellious/

- able to develop and present innovative life plans

Salary:
Client is, at present, poor.
Pay will come in the form of smiles,
and knowing you did something
good for someone else

Apply by emailing me, or leaving a comment

Soulmate by Natasha Bedingfield

Heard this song today and loved it,
thought i'd share it with you all.

Click here to watch video

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cause someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible, Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

You're Dead To Me

Can you remember
How you use to jab your fingers into my chest
And tell me how stupid you thought I was
And how I'd grow up to be worthless-
I was only 9 and I can recall every single time-
You raised your hand to me
No matter how hard I try to forget
I can't erase it from my memory
To this day you seem to think that
You never did anything wrong
And even though I've tried
to look past your ignorance
The hate was too strong
And you were to blind to see
how much anger was growing inside of me
And everything revolved around you
Do what you say
Do what you want
Do as you do
As the years passed
I never knew what was to come
Cause you were never there
But the day will come
When we'll cross paths again
This time I'll be sure to let you know that
All I ever wanted was was for you to believe in me
And everyday I prayed for, lived the day for
Was a chance to throw it back in your face-
And before you die, open your eyes
And see, all the different ways that you neglected me
You may have gave me life but you never gave me hope
I don't ever want to take after my own Father
God help me raise up outta this mess
Stress and grey days and a gang full of tests
God help me, god help me
You put the fear in me and said
if I wasn't to be everything you expected
then a son I'm not in your eye's
and would be instantly rejected-
Your gifts of love were just fifths of pain
While I tried to maintain and refrain
You just laughed at me,
you looked down on me,
you threw down on me,
You made me feel worthless
now you're dead to me,
how does it feel to be,
What runs through you created me,
one day I'll break free-
All I ever wanted was for you to believe in me
And everyday I prayed for, lived the day for
Was a chance to throw it back in your face
Why do I have to feel like I'm constantly worthless
Every day I'm reminded of you, Father

Wonderful

I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them

I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world's so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now

I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it's all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends won't know
When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don't believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world is so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now

No
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

I don't wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna meet your friends
And I don't wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything

Masquerade

I wear my own masks.
I didn't cry until
you were out of the room.
It hurt enough without
having you see my tears.

Fuck you very much.

Addendum:
If I didn't love you so much,
it wouldn't get to me the way it does.

Losing My Voice

Just the words,
being thrown at me out of left field,
conjured up thoughts
trying to scream,
trying to say anything,
and failing.

You’re losing your voice.
she said to me,
and as I heard the words,
I could feel my face turning bright red.
I could feel the world narrowing around me,
and the tears building behind my eyes.

I’ve never claimed to be the best writer,
I’ve never even thought I’m all that good.
I just write what I can, when I feel it.

I’ve been going through alot lately, I know.
I’m doing everything I can just to stay above water,
and I know that my writing has suffered for it.
Life has been frustrating lately.
Life has been hard,
and what I can say on here
usually is the leftovers of all the stuff
that I can actually process,
after its been muddled
and stomped on
and left for waste.

And it’s really hard to write about that kind of stuff.
It’s really hard to write at all,
even though I’d scarcely call what I do writing.
More like …slamming your head on a keyboard and calling it ‘art’.
And I don’t even like that kind of art.
I can barely even write the date down right half of the time,
much less create a meaningful, “heart-wrenching” post.

This is going to be blunt…
Anytime anyone says that to me,
I know that I should just hold on tight until it’s all over.
I don’t do blunt. Because I’m so sensitive.
My dad used to tell me about when I was little,
I couldn’t have been older than a year and a half.
I was in the kitchen messing with pots and pans,
like I shouldn’t have been.
He yelled my name,
and not only did I put everything down immediately,
I started crying as if I’d actually been punished.
That’s just how I am.

I don’t even disagree with her, that much.
I guess I am just shocked.
I’m not angry, because she is right.
So this is not about her,
this isn’t about how her words
may or may not have hurt.
This is about me. She is right.

I am losing my voice. It’s hard not to.
Sometimes life tousles you around a little too much,
and we all reach our breaking point eventually.
Little sleep, bad days, frustrating life.
Would anybody else fare as well
against those adversaries?
Would their writing?

So, Yes. I’ve noticed.
Yes, I am aware.
But Yes, I am trying.
Though I might be nearing my breaking point,
though I might seem like I’m down for the count.
I am not. I have the spirit and heart of a runner,
I never give up.

Though my voice might be exhausted,
and diminished; It is not lost.
Not permanently, at least.
Just temporarily.

Cycles…like the Phoenix.
Your wings are spent now…
but your heart never changes.
From the ashes… you will rise…
Even bigger and better…

I always do, so don’t give up on me.

R.I.P.

"... and the punishment for murder is...
well, it varies from state to state and by race..."
- Homer Simpson

Don't worry, there has been no death of which I shall speak. Excepting, of course, the death of the joy of smoking a quality cigarette for smokers in most of the country. This map shows the states where R.I.P. (Reduced Ignition Propensity) cigarettes are currently required by state legislation, what states have passed such legislation, states where such legislation has been filed (and will most likely be passed), and states that have not filed for legislation. I know that was a long sentence, but bear with me.

Only two states have not yet filed for the legislation, but they will. Anyway, the deal with these cigarettes is that they are less-likely to remain lighted (yes, lighted, not lit) if left unattended, or say, if you fall asleep. They have two or three (depending on manufacturer) extra bands of less-porous paper to extinguish the flame, making them a bit safer, hopefully reducing the risk of home fires and whatnot. They've been dubbed "fire-safe cigarettes" by many, but the term is misleading. Don't go falling asleep with a lighted (er, lit... no yeah, lighted) R.I.P. cigarette with a clear conscience. Try to avoid that.

They've also been dubbed "shitty cigarettes" by even more. See, they suck. They burn differently- you get more runs in the paper, they often go out while you are actively smoking, and many can clearly distinguish the taste between an R.I.P. (or shitty) cigarette and a regular cigarette. Experts say their is no change in taste or performance, but experts are wrong. I've seen people identify R.I.P. cigarettes from regular cigarettes with 100% accuracy, within two or three puffs.

Here's my point. These cigarettes suck dick, and not in the good way. However, they kinda do suck in a good way, in that they may discourage people from smoking! How great would that be? How great would it be if these R.I.P. cigarettes, that burn shittier, don't stay lit (shit, lighted), and taste worse, started making people not want to smoke? How great would it be if when people heard the terms "RIP" and "cigarettes," they thought of how cigarettes suck, instead of how many people die because of them?

What's next? Are they going to add a sobering agent to the alcohol I drink so that by the time the party's over, I'm able to drive home. They are also raising the tax on cigarettes, maybe that's where they are getting the money for our stimulus package.

to the ends of the earth i'd follow, i'd cross every sea for you

I don't like to look at life beyond my hands
but it's often necessary to remain in check.
I think about what it might feel like to lose you.
Who would I spill my cares to?
Who would light me up after a bad day I've had?
The more I think, the harder it becomes to breathe.
And then I can't see clearly through mist soaked eyes.
I've learned that life can be beautiful in every moment,
regardless of circumstance, if you just look past emotion
and appreciate what it took to get there.
But I never want to know the feeling
of not having you to end my day.
The fear of facing it drives me to be
more present in the moments here with you now.