Looking Back On 2008

I decided this year, for my new years post,
I would sit down and look back on the year that was,
and write down some of the things that I've learned.
Some are big, some not so much,
but they have all impacted my view on the world,
and on the thing I call my life.
I hope you enjoy reading them,
and maybe you'll learn something as well.

54 things I learned in 2008

1. My impulse to buy a new book
is larger than my impulse to read a new book.

2. Truth of the matter is
you really can judge a book by its cover!

3. The TV can test my will power
to say, “Stop its 1am already
- I’ve got work tomorrow!”

4. Being who you really are,
not who people expect or want you to be,
shocks the hell out of people.

5. Dark and twisty is A-Ok...
and often even better.

6. Getting what you want
doesn't always make you happy.

7. Even though it should...
hard work does not always
pay off in the end.

8. Distance makes you very lonely.

9. Telling the truth sucks
but doing so really will
make you better for it.

10. Hearing the truth sucks even more
but in the vast long run
it usually makes things better
...eventually.

11. The people who brought you into this world
aren't always your kin
- they maybe your biological family...
but that doesn't make them your kin.

12. Those you love the most
leave tiny, little impressions on you
even though you don't realize it until later...
and in some cases not until much later.

13. Being alone is ok
- up to a point.

14. Doing what you hate
is the worst possible way to spend your life
- if it's at all possible,
DON'T DO IT!!

15. Writing down everything that comes to you
(while overwhelming and tiring)
is cathartic, never forget that.

16. Loving a fantasy
is a one-way ticket to Crazyville.

17. Opening yourself up
(particularly for me)
to someone is hard.
Doing the heavy lifting in friendship
is sometimes so hard for me.

18. Doing something that you’ve done
over and over and over again
will make you good at it,
but it’ll also make it
so fucking boring
that the act of having to do it
becomes more of a task
than the task itself.

19. Perception is everything.
There is nothing in this world
that isn’t open to perception.

That’s what people really get
pissed off at other people about …
perception.
I perceive something to be one way;
you perceive it to be completely different.
I hate you.

20. The only person’s actions
you can control
are your own.

21. When I drink,
I rarely have a hang over the next morning.
Almost never.
But in the few times I have experienced one,
it’s brutal.

22. When a kid says “smell my hand”,
it almost never smells like anything good.

23. I spend a lot of time reminiscing and being nostalgic.
I’m very aware of how quickly my life is going.
One morning you get up, go for a pee
and you’re not even aware that
that is going to be the last piss you ever take.

24. “Best friends” make the worst enemies.

25. There is no such thing as a best friend:
there are just people that you favor over others.

26. Greed is still the ultimate driving force in the world.


27. It’s funny how the sound of
other people having sex is so awkward.

28. I hate apologizing.
Really, really hate it.
Most people would say the same thing,
that eating crow isn’t fun
but for me, it’s worse.

29. Maybe it’s because
I just don’t like being wrong.

30. There’s never a need to worry about anything.
Worrying doesn’t solve anything.
Things have a way of solving themselves.
And if they don’t, they’ll be over by tomorrow anyway.

31. I've learned that my happiness is exactly that; mine.
i can not allow others to define my happiness
and what i should be happy about.
i'm the only me and no one knows me better than me.
what makes me happy is what makes ME happy.

32. I've learned that how you feel about someone
isn't necessarily how they feel about you.
their actions are indicative of where you stand
and how you rate in their lives.
i can't feel bad for their inability
to adequately be what i'd like them to be.
i have to accept them for who they are
and decide what position, if any
they'll be allowed to have in my life.

33. I've learned that my moral compass
must lead north at all times.
taking the southern route to get to know someone
is an ineffective way of going through
the "getting to know you" process.
as hard and tempting as it may be,
i know i have to remain loyal and true
to myself and what i hold valuable.

34. I've learned that making a bad choice/decision
doesn't make me a bad person.
i know that i'm not perfect and i can/will make mistakes
but i can't allow myself to be held hostage by what i've done.
it's how i try to rectify the problem that counts.
owning up to my shortfalls means a lot to me
and i will strive to be the best person i can be.

35. I've learned that i love hard and play for keeps.
i won't compromise on how i love someone,
so i know i won't settle for anything less
than what i deserve in a relationship.
i'd truly rather be single and happy (and even horny...lol)
than involved and unhappy with myself and/or him
just to say i'm with someone.

36. I've learned from experience that life truly is short
and we must and i repeat must LIVE it.
we can't live to work, but instead work to live.
i plan to make the dash between
my sunrise and sunset count.

37. I've learned that frienships need work
and even if it falls apart i must do what it takes
to rebuild it if it can be rebuilt.
i must do my part to nuture and make it grow.
friendships are God's gift to us
in order for us not to be lonely.

38. I've learned that there is a thin line
between love and hate
and i have to know which side of the emotion i'm on.
i learned that while i loved the man,
i hated his actions, his inabilities, his shortcomings
and i shouldn't allow the negative
to outweigh the blessing of love i had with him.

39. I've learned letting go is sometimes
the best course of action as it will allow room
for what i need in my life and not what i think i want.
letting go means taking a leap of faith
and allowing myself the opportunity
to spread my wings and fly.

40. each day is a gift. i must embrace it,
love it, hold it near, and never think for one second
that it isn't something worth living.
suicide in any form is never an option.

41. the simple pleasures
are and will always be the best.

42. Grey’s Anatomy really is
THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH


43. Be thankful for your best friend.
Because they will be the one who picks you up off the floor
and holds you while you are sobbing and convulsing.
Whether it be because of heartbreak, death or just a breakdown.
They will always be there for you.

44. Friendships will experience rifts, and disagreements.
The important thing is to work through them,
because they are truly the only thing worth fighting for.

45. It’s sad, but sometimes a person
you thought was your best friend….
will turn out not to be anymore.
you’ll change. And go you separate ways.
And it will hurt like hell, because best friend breakups
are worse than boyfriend breakups.
But you will remember the good, and move on.

46. Just because you love someone and they love you,
doesn’t necessarily mean you’re meant to be together.

47. People deserve second chances,
but if they screw you over again, be done with them.

48. Sometimes relationships just don’t work.
You can be friends. You can be fuckbuddies.
But that doesn’t always translate
into making a relationship happen.

49. The answer is no until you try.
So, don’t be afraid to introduce yourself,
flirt with that cute boy at the bar,
or leave the confines of what’s safe
whether it be a job, or simply a new entree.
You’ll never know if you don’t take that chance.

50. Facebook, MySpace, Texts, and phonecalls
are all potential sources of humiliation
and BAD DECISIONS while intoxicated.

51. One can resign from a job
because you were oh so unhappy,
pick up the pieces, and find a new one.
A company that appreciates you as an employee,
and allows you to do what you love.
It’s comforting to know that people really can
and do see what you’re capable of
through your very own merits.

52. Sometimes the very thing
that can make you feel like a failure at life,
aka being laid off from your job,
is the best thing in the world to happen to you.
Who knows, maybe one day you’ll be
sending them a "thank you note.”
Consider it signed, sealed,
and waiting to be delivered.

53. It is entirely possible
to burn macaroni and cheese.

54. My inner strength is stronger
that I have ever thought possible.
I have truly been tested this year,
but I'm still standing.
This year has made me, me….
and I look forward to this next chapter of my life.

invisible

Dear X,

I want you to know that, despite everything, you are still my friend. No matter what has happened, no matter how much time has passed, no matter how things might have ended, I still care. Maybe we don't talk anymore, or maybe we just don't talk about the right things. I want you to know that I still love you. Sometimes, I have watched you struggle, and wished that I could have done anything to make it easier for you. I've cried for you, and I've worried. I hope
that the positive vibes I fervently sent your way helped somehow. Maybe it doesn't matter, but I still think positively on your behalf, even if you can't. But maybe I don't know how you're doing, or what you're been up to. I send my best wishes your way, just in case. I wish I was better, stronger. I wish I could have kept the promises I made to you. I wish I could say this directly to you.

Love,
You invisible friend

Terrible Marketing Consumerism Woes

There are some things that you JUST DON'T DO when trying to market something.

1.) Have a lame theme song

2.) Having a lame mascot.

3.) Giving your product a surname.

For example, any movie that is a sequel to a subsequently terrible beginning always has a bad surname. I just saw the trailer for "Punisher II: Warzone. (which proudly boasts Ray Stevenson as the lead character.) "Hellboy II: The Golden Army," not necessary. How about just "Punisher II." Is that not good enough? Why add such cliche surnames as "Redemption, Apocalypse, Extinction, Evolution, The Aftermath, Reloaded, , Red, White, and blonde, the Revenge, the streets, havannah nights, back to tha hood, etc?" It just makes it sound as cheesy as it will be.

Lame mascots include but are not limited to, The Verizon guy, the Gieco Gecko, Ms. Buttersworth, talking dogs for dog food, those simon and garfunkel rip offs for Burger King, the lips for Dairy Queen, and any washed up actor, sportstar, or model that endorses an energy drink or workout equipment.

I have it out for stupid marketing. Commercials are just irritating. Can consumerism be that dense that we really would eat at Rally's because Rick Pitino says that he does? And how come all of the KFC commercials show black people sitting around the table exclaiming, "This be some good chicken!" I mean, wow. If I were black, I would be offended.

This is letting go

An old piece I found that never made it's way to my blog. Thought I would share it. If anyone is curious as to who it was wrote too, ask and I'll let you know.

that night, the night when i finally said 'enough is enough,' was biting cold as i slipped out of the party, struggling to hold back my tears & making it only as far as the car, where i spent what seemed like ages fumbling with my keys until i finally felt the lock give & rushed, shivering, into the driver's seat. it took a minute for me to move; i sat there instead with my hands on top of the wheel & my forehead pressed against it, taking in deep breaths of the cool air that was slowly becoming tolerable. sitting up, i wiped my eyes, though it was as useless as a shoveling snow while the blizzard is still happening, & began to drive. i had no where to go, but somehow it seemed like the only option. the lights of the city all blurred into one & i could barely make out the reds, greens, & yellows of the traffic signals as i drove along. my head was no longer doing the driving, though; instead, it was my heart, & i somehow found myself at the football field. you know the one. you remember the night. & as i sat there, i saw it all play out, & through my tears, i smiled. the next place i passed was the sidewalk in front of your parents, the one where we stood kissing in the rain. i closed my eyes, & the wetness on my face was still there, almost as if it were happening again. next were the flower shop, the gas station, the car wash... i passed the park & i saw the very place we had parked that night. it couldn't possibly have been almost a year ago, could it? because i could still feel the way i had felt that night, the way my cheeks had ached from smiling so hard. the bowling alley, the movie theater...every place has it's own story, it's own unforgettable memory of 'us.' remember when it was 'us,' not 'you' & 'me?' i kept driving, letting occasional sobs escape my mouth as the rain from my eyes steadily fell, & i went to the place i knew would hurt the most. i drove past your road, past your house where we drove through the fog & you gave me a kiss on the cheek while i drove because you 'couldn't help it,' & finally i saw it. the rest stop. our rest stop. For an entire year it had been ours. i parked the car this time, walked out to the table where we had layed together, & laid down in the freezing cold. the cold wind burned my face, but when i closed my eyes, i could almost swear it was your warm breath brushing against my face again...i could almost feel your skin against mine, here you whisper those three little words. & i swear, at that moment, the tears were gone. i sat up & looked around. the grass, the grass we had made memories on, was no longer beautiful; it was ugly & brown & had lost the magic it once possessed. i almost laughed at the irony of it all. instead, i sighed, slowly got up & walked to the car. with one last look, i got inside, started the ignition & wiped my eyes completely dry. '& this,' i thought to myself, 'this is letting go.'

The Religious Case for Gay Marriage

How many times have you had to hear opponents of marriage equality cite passage after passage from the Bible? How many times have you wanted to know exactly the right response to their literary acrobatics?

Newsweek's recent cover story, "The Religious Case for Gay Marriage" provides just that – debunking all the popular myths.

The response? On the first day, Newsweek was "bombarded" with 20,000 emails in opposition to its article.

Stand up for equality and fairness - send Newsweek a note today.

The current cover story of Newsweek magazine titled, "The Religious Case for Gay Marriage" should be read by each and every member of our community. The piece provides an in-depth debunking of many of the popular myths about Scripture that the religious-right has used time and time again.

How refreshing to see a major, mainstream American news outlet speaking the truth in such a courageous way.

But, as you would fully expect, the right-wing has launched a massive uproar to the piece by flooding Newsweek's editors with thousands of letters in opposition. Last night Lisa Miller, Religion Editor for Newsweek Magazine and the article's author, was interviewed. You can hear Lisa in her own words describe how on the first day the story came out Newsweek was "bombarded" with 20,000 emails in opposition to the article.

Friends, when someone is courageously willing to stand up and take on the those who have for so long twisted the words of the Bible and gone unchecked – it is our obligation to make sure they know that there are also millions of us standing right on their side.

Don't let the voices of extremists silence those of inclusion and truth. Join me by sending a letter of support to Newsweek today.

You too can make sure that the voices of equality and fairness aren't drowned out by those who oppose our families.

A New Paradigm

Imagine that you and Bill Gates
enter into a poker tournament.
Bill is allowed to bring
all of his money
and you are allowed to bring all of yours.
What will be the result?
Bill will make you go all in
on every hand
and even if you win a few hands,
Bill has enough resource
to eventually break you.

This is the scenario
for the average American
working class citizen
who is told that if
he or she works hard,
it is possible to rise above
the straights to which
they were born
and become a person of affluence.
Is it possible? Perhaps.
Is it possible for you
to succeed in breaking
Bill Gates in a poker game?
Perhaps.
Is it likely? No.

If you consider the lopsided distribution
of wealth and power, coupled with
a culture of institutionalized racism,
is it any wonder why
so many Americans
feel disenfranchised?

“All men are created equal.”

I have some issues with this statement.

a) What about women?

b) Created implies that someone
picked up a piece of clay and formed us.
Sorry, my religious God-believing friends;
I don’t buy it.

c) People are not all the same.
Which is the what the word "equal" means.

This statement was written
in another time
and has served us well in the past.
But like all things,
it’s becoming a thing of the past
and of little use in a time
when everyone being treated equally
is an institutionalized excuse
for allowing the rich to get richer
and the poor to get poorer.

It is time for a paradigm shift towards equity.

What is the difference between
being treated equally
and being treated equitably?

I had a deaf student
in one of my classes
when I was in high school
(a very good student, by the way).
Because of her disability,
there was a sign language interpreter in the class.
If she was being treated with equality,
there would have been
no sign language interpreter
and she would have been expected to perform
at the same level as everyone else.
Remember, equal means the same.
But luckily, she wasn't being treated equally;
she was being treated equitably,
which means she was getting
the extra help she needed
to thrive and reach her full potential
as a human being.

Equity, not equality.

So how do you find the best poker players?

The capitalist mindset would have you believe
that if there is a big enough carrot
being dangled out there,
the cream will naturally rise to the top to nab it.
The idea being that individuals in society
will follow Darwin’s model
and climb our culture's evolutionary ladder
and thrive if, and only if, they are the fittest.

But there are a couple of things wrong with this notion.

First of all, consider the human quality
that is absolutely necessary
for a person to achieve a lofty position
in our capitalistic ecosystem.
Is it kindness? No.
Is it compassion? Hardly.
Is it generosity? Please, spare me.
A person who reaches the highest
of the trophic levels of our economic system
may not be devoid of these qualities,
but these are not the qualities that got them there.

Greed got them there--
the wish to have more,
the desire that puts an individual’s needs
and self-worth above all others,
the driving force that propels a person
up the economic food chain,
clawing and clambering over
the backs of others
who are also fighting their way to the top.
I’m not talking about people
who become doctors and lawyers and such
in order to achieve a comfortable living for themselves.
I’m talking about the two percent
of the population that controls 95 percent of the wealth.

Do we really want to live in a society/culture/economy
that is built on a negative human quality?
I know I don’t.

Besides, it is a flawed notion to begin with.

Evolution propelled dinosaurs to the top of the ladder,
where they stayed for millions of years.
Mammals lived alongside the dinosaur,
but could not flourish because of
the oppression of the dominant species.
It was not until a cataclysmic event
killed off all of the dinosaurs
that the lesser species-- mammals-- could thrive
and reach their greater potential.

So in their infinite wisdom,
those who hold poker tournaments
require that everyone enter the game
with the same amount of cash.
With everyone starting on an even footing,
chances are that those with the greatest ability,
not those with the greatest resource,
will come out on top.
With a level playing field,
it takes skill and ability
to out maneuver your opponents,
as opposed to just having
the resource to overpower them,
much like a brontosaurus steps on a fury rodent.

The wealth (and so, the power) in the U.S.
has steadily, over the last couple centuries,
shifted into the hands of a relative few.
When the phrase “all men are created equal” was coined,
the culture was largely agrarian-- with tradesmen
and shop keepers providing goods and services.
And the “men” in the phrase were just that
-- excluding women, excluding Black men,
oh, and by the way, they only included property holders.
The original phrase was “life, liberty, and the pursuit of property,"
not "happiness."

With this shift of resource and power
to the relative few, it has become
increasingly difficult for the cream to rise to the top.
Those at the top are firmly in place;
so firmly that when they screw up royally
and send our economy to its knees,
as it has gone recently, the government bails them out.
The cream at the top no longer has any accountability;
this is how entrenched they are at the top.
It is tantamount to socialism for the rich
and capitalism for the rest of us.
The system is broken.

The fix, then is logically a redistribution of wealth.
Level the playing field so that those with real talent
have a better chance of attaining their dreams,
even when they are born into one of the oppressed classes.
Remember the dinosaurs?
Where would we be now if dinosaurs still ruled the Earth?
We would still be scurrying around
trying not to get stepped on.
It is not until we have a system
that treats people equitably (as opposed to equally),
giving everyone what they need to thrive
and reach their full potential,
that we will, as a culture,
begin to move towards our greater potential.

Is this socialism? Sure it is.
But socialism is not at odds with democracy
-- one is a political system and the other is an economic system.
We have been duped into thinking that socialism
is necessarily a bad thing.
When socialism is paired with a dictatorship,
we call that communism (USSR, China, etc.).
When socialism is paired with fascism, that's Nazi Germany.
Has anyone tried pairing socialism with democracy?
We tried once with the rise of the unions
and it was working out pretty well for most of the people.
When unions were strong, the economy was, for the most part, stable.
Those under a union's protection made a decent living.
This strengthened their buying power
and so bolstered the overall economy.
But unions were attacked by those with power
until former President Ronald Reagan
finally squashed the union system
(and our economy) back in the 80s.
The economy has been relatively unstable,
violently bouncing up and down, ever since.

So, as the new administration
under President-elect Barack Obama
begins its work and those who have power
start their propaganda machine
and begin to rant about socialism,
ask yourself where you would be
if dinosaurs still ruled the Earth.
And do you really want
to let the dinosaurs continue to rule the U.S.?

I am calling...

I am calling for a queer revolution
This is my proclamation
to our emancipation
It is a solution
to the dilution
it is a solution
to the deletion
of our rights
our freedom of expression
our freedom of being,
our freedom of life,
liberty, and the pursuit of happiness

I am calling for a queer revolution
it is no longer acceptable
to discriminate and hate
and yes I have become irate
because it is no longer acceptable
to classify me my friends, my family,
the ones that i love
it is no longer acceptable
to classify all of us
all of us, as secondary class citizens
we have called for change
over, and over, and OVER again
and yes, this right here, this is it

I am calling for a queer revolution
another stonewall

No longer shall we tolerate the injustice
no longer shall we be scared in public
running from our lives, from there lives
no longer shall this oppression
be my oppression, be your oppression
be our oppression

it is time to step forward
to look forward
and move on

you think you can continue
to break mirrors
to stab hearts
drop pins
and break bounds
but you know what
we are about to do the same
because i am calling
for a queer revolution

This is my proclamation
for our emancipation
I am sick and tired
sick and tired
tired of being sick
over this war
here within our hearts
within my heart

I am calling for a queer revoltion
because this, this is our nation
under god, indivisivble
with liberty and justice for all
for ALL

this is the change
that the founders of our nation
came here for
but it has fallen between cracks,
it has fallen between lines
and between the lives
of those who shouldn't have been lost

so i am here,
and i am calling
for a queer revolution

our progress will be a success
for our people
you know what,
for ALL people
because no longer
shall we be classified
as second class citizens
in this nation, under god
indivisible,
with liberty and justice for all

To all who read my blog

I do appreciate comments.
I sort of feel lonely
when i check back
and don't see any.

So come one,
spoil me with comments.

Lifetime-line

How do people keep track of their lives?
How do you keep track of your life?
Some go through photo albums.

"A picture paints a thousand words"

Yes, but a thousand words of a moment.
Just one moment.
A flash. Milliseconds of your life.
A millisecond of your life takes
a thousand words to describe.

I found an old journal of mine.
A tiny black notebook
that i used to let everything out on.
The last thing i wrote in that notebook:

"You see, the mind is like a river.
It grows long, it goes deep.
The deepest part of the river
is the strongest foundation of our minds.
Since this is the early part of the river,
it is the early part of our lives
- a child's foundations.
Now this river, as it gets longer,
changes the direction it flows through
- the path of the growing mind.
When i think, my thoughts spread finding the answer.
The problem is, my thoughts
- the water held by the river,
spreads too much and reached too far
by force that it seeps through
the soil and disappears
- collapsed by the plains of my own mind.
What i need to do is focus.
Collect my thoughts together
and form a powerful flow
towards the answer"

Reading that journal took me back to the days
It made me think of the things i would change
should i be given a second chance.

"The most painful lesson i have learnt so far
- Life itself goes on"
13th of May, 2001.

It's been over 7 years?
Seven years since i first placed
a piece of my mind in that book.
Alot can happen in seven years.
Seven years can bringabout
uncountable amount of changes.

If i have one wish,
I wish i was 5 years old
with my current mind intact.
(And the ability to control time.
Slow it down, speed it up, etc.
But that's not the point....)

I'm sure most of you have
at one point of time wished
for a second chance at life.
I'm sure you would love to be
5 years old again with your current mind intact.
Do things you should've done before.

If you're reading this,
you must have made
that sort of wish before.

I had a dream when i was 5.
I was a curious little boy.
So curious i kept on wondering
what it would be like when i grow up.
So curious it doesn't leave my head.
I think and think and think about it.
One day, i fell asleep and dreamt all this.
Dreamt so fast that time itself
slows down for me
thus making this life seems longer.
The dream feels to be going by normal time,
but in real life, it's just flashing by.
Here i am, typing away things about my life.
Hoping that my 5 year old self is dreaming it all up.
Hopefully he'll wake up soon
and remember everything.

Life was great when i was 5.
Answers to my questions come to my head.
They come out of nowhere.
I'm almost convinced
that i was smarter at 5 than i am now.

To my 5 year old self.
I would like to say that i haven't forgotten you.
I know you, and i know that i am
almost completely different from you.
I wish i was you
and i wish i was in your position.
I envy you, i respect you.

If everything is a dream,
if i am just a character in your dream,
I know you won't have the heart to wake up.
You've seen me grow for 19 of my years.
I can understand that.
But please do consider my part.
Should all this be your dream,
should you wake up
and make my whole existence disappear,
well i think that now is an excellent time to wake up.

Wake up.
Wake up.
Wake up.

And live your life
in ways i should have.

Soul Less

It's amazing how some mistakes
will reach out of the depths
and slap you across the face at random.
Just when you think
you're starting to get over it.
Just when you think
you've suffered enough,
and the wounds can begin to scar.

I deserve it, I suppose.

I want to argue.
I want to defend myself.
I want to redeem myself.
What's the point, though?
It was done.
It hurt someone who was dear to me.

She may never recover.
The friendships will certainly never heal.

So why should I?

Because I Do

"Why?"

He asks me all the time.
Why do you love me?
The implication is always
that there is nothing special to him.
No reason I should value him so highly.
Sometimes he expresses that thought.
Sometimes not.
Sometimes he tells me that I shouldn't.

Always the answer is both
simple and complex.
There is no reason.

If there were reasons
-- if I could point to this thing or that
and say 'Here is the root of my adoration' --
it would not feel as true.
If there were reasons,
this love could be easily broken.
Change this, do that, stop the other,
and poof, the love is gone.
This love isn't cut out so easily.

Stroke me, and I love you.
Hurt me, and I love you.
Keep me, I love you.
Send me away, I love you.
Be strong. Fall apart.
Stand tall. Bow.
Fight. Cry. Argue.
Agree. Create. Destroy.

I love you.

Shouldn't? Should?
Doesn't matter.
Never has.
Never will.

"I have chosen to stay and fight"

This is my response to Proposition 8 and every other gay marriage ban.

To those that say I am "the Other,"

Congratulations! You're winning. you have achieved with great valor one of your highest objectives. you have fought long and hard against a formidable opponent and have succeeded. So, for this, i say congratulations on winning yet another battle.

However, this quest for human rights and dignity is not a battle to be won or lost. In fact, it cannot be put in terms of war at all. This is a degradation, an oppression, a one of a kind -ism from you to me. You claim to fight to protect, to preserve and maintain the sanctity of your most precious values against the abominable and the dirty. You fight against me, and no I do not accept your challenge. My rights are not privileges and therefore not subject to your opinion.

But don't you worry. I'm still here and will still fight for you. Just as my birthright should never come to be questioned, neither should yours. I will never deny you of your happiness and of who you are, regardless of who tries to take the same away from me. I am here and you are here, and that is all I need to know because that means we are here together.

So for now, in this world, I am a second class citizen. But I like to say that a bit different. I am simply a force to be reckoned with. I will stay and fight in your battle against me, but I will fight for the both of us. Because if you succeed in your crusade against me, then someone will succeed against you and your fundamental right to being. So, thank you for your challenge, and again no, I do not accept it. But I will fight. For you, for me, and for everyone else.

What was that

Lot of things went through my head yesterday.
It was a busy day, though,
and I never had time
to write any of it down.

If you know me,
you know that I have
to write it down
as soon as it occurs to me,
or I won't remember.

Needless to say, I'm frustrated.
Missed a LOT of writing yesterday.

Insecure

With people who don't matter,
I'm the most confident person I know.
"This is me. Here it is.
Deal with it, or go away,
that's up to you."

With my inner circle,
I'm scared and insecure.
"Am I good enough?
Is it really me,
or is it just
convenient for you?"

I'm finally learning to stop hiding.
If they stuck around long enough
to make it into the inner circle,
the hiding is what's going
to push them away,
not the honesty.

I know it's silly for a grown man
to need constant reassurance
from the people who clearly
already love him.

But then, when have I ever
claimed to be a grown man?

I'm just a kid.
And a kid needs lots of care.

The people who make it
past that inner wall
-- past the pretence of adulthood --
they are the ones
that I trust with
that little boy self.

They are the ones
that I look to for guidance.

They are the ones who
can hurt me the most easily.
All they have to do is ignore me.

I'm not always sure
how or when
to ask for help.

When it's ok
to ask for the
attention I crave.

How to present that
I need compliments,
reassurance, praise.

I'm just little.
I'm still learning.
I need help with these things.

A New World

How wonderful, right?
I don't think I need to say
too much about the election,
by now, we all know the results.

However, I must say
how amazing I feel right now.
Its a new world.
In a matter of a few hours,
the entire way
that the United States
interacts with the world,
and how we are seen,
has been changed for the better.
Just how amazing!

But then, we can't forget
what else happened yesterday.
Many states put it in to
their state constitutions
that same-sex couples
are not allowed to marry.
Honestly, that is fine with me, do that.
I've come to the point
where I don't care
what a majority of people say.
Yes, this means rights
will be denied to me,
and to my fellow members
of the LGBTQ community,
but we need to remember
that this is just part
of a long struggle.
I don't want marriage.
I want rights.
I don't want heterosexual approval.
I want to be respected as an equal.
Soon, the States will see
that this is nothing more
then a way to put down the "other."
I have faith that this works out,
so honestly, I'm not that worried
about this setback. Why?
Because I don't see it as a setback.
Its another step on a journey.

So, that being said,
it is time to move on to today.
Obama will be our new president,
the Democrats in the Senate
and House have larger majorities,
and things will happen.
However, those things
that we crave so much to change
will only change if we
commit ourselves to that change.
Barack can't do it by himself.
You voted, congratulations.
Now, follow up, get active,
and continue to get your opinions out there.
Your voice in this world
does not end at a vote,
it is only a beginning.

When Nothing is Stagnant

I have some things to say,
but they're not solidified in my mind.
If I start writing now,
it will wander all over the place
and not actually say anything.
So I'm sitting here in silence,
trying to settle on one topic.
One point of choice.
One idea that I want to convey.

While I sat here trying
to fall into a groove,
I realized that maybe
that is what I need
to write about today.
Maybe I don't need to write
about my flaws,
my impatience,
or the desire
to learn and grow,
or the work it takes
to get where
I want to be.
Maybe today
I just need to say
that I'm thinking about
all of that,
and so much more.

I want to thank you for that.

Thank you, J.
You challenge me.
Every conversation,
every thought
that escapes your head
challenges me.
It's contrary to my
comfortable little hole
in the soil,
and I love that about you.
I love that you argue with me.
You force me to look at myself
in a different way.
You help me to see
my relationships differently.
And by looking at all the angles
-- even the ones I don't like --
I get to see a little better.

Thank you, N.
You support me.
I know we try not
to dwell on the past,
but I want to delve back
just long enough to say
that you have always done
your very best to support me.
When I cried,
you held me and listened.
When I had a problem,
you offered a solution.
When I was hurting,
you tried to save me.
Anything I want to do,
I know that I can count on you
to help me along.

Thank you, M.
You feed me.
I don't mean literal food,
although you do that
also on occasion.
You feed my passion.
You feed my drive.
Our interactions
-- even when not
entirely pleasant --
give me the energy
to get through every day.
You fill me up
and keep me vibrant.
I'm pretty sure I glow
just from talking to you.
Life has color
as long as I have you.

Thank you,
to all my dear friends.
You complete me.
You fill my days and nights
with smiles, and laughter.
It's all of you that make
this life worth living.
It's all of you that make
me want to keep growing,
keep going, keep getting
stronger and better.
It's all of you that fill
my heart and mind.
I am beautiful
not because of myself,
but because of you.
Each of you.

I can't even start
to list names or initials,
for fear I'd leave someone out.
Or, at the least, make this entry
far longer than anyone
could sit through.
You know who you are.

(If you're reading this,
and you think it's not you,
think again. It's you.)

The Dawn Of The Future

Growing up, I was raised to believe
that every American had a voice
and that voice was meant to be heard.
I am not so sure anymore
that those standards apply today.

We all still have a voice,
but it seems that the voices
that drown us all out
are the voices that should be
working with and for us,
not against us.

The politicians who have
taken an oath to do
what is in the best interest
of the people have taken it
upon themselves to do
what benefits them
and big businesses.

Those of us that work hard
to provide for our families
and to keep life together
on a daily basis
are the same people who pay
the inflated salaries of politicians
who just don't seem
to care about us anymore.

There was a time when
political figures actually listened
to the constituents of
the communities that they worked in.
But those days have been gone for a long time.
It's time that we all took a stand.
Change starts with us--

Americans are the ones
who have built this country
and thus, Americans are the ones
who can change this country.
Both of our presidential candidates
say they will bring change.

What kind of change is the question?

Will we spend another presidential term
wishing that we had made
more informed choices?

Will we regret the choices
that we have made?

We are the only ones
who can educate ourselves
and make informed decisions.

Time is running out--
the election is not that far away
so dig deep for the facts
and educate yourself.

Spread the facts
and not the "facts,"
as the media would
have us believe them.

There are so many places
that we can find the information
that will help us make
informed choices
and do what we feel
is in the best interest of this country.

Think ahead to what
we will be leaving behind
to our children and grandchildren.

The choices we make today
can and will affect the future
of our children and their children as well.

I don't want my children
growing up in a world
that is destined to be
where we are headed now.

I don't want my children
facing the same problems
that we are today.

So my vote is for CHANGE!

I won't go into who I am voting for
or why I made that choice,
but I will say that my focus
isn't on what my candidate
has or hasn't done,
but more importantly,
what he can and will do.

Promises are empty,
but the facts
are pretty self-explanatory.
Rather than listen to what
the media says
and what mud the other party slings,
look for yourself at all the facts
that you can find.

What can it hurt to do a little surfing?

Take a few minutes away
from your e-mail or that game
and search for cold hard facts
about where each candidate stands
and what each candidate
is capable of doing.

Remember-- they work for us,
not the other way around.

Change starts with each of us.

Look back at the past
and see what party
has stood where over the years.

Look back at the end
of past presidential terms
and see where we were as a nation then.

Then look forward and see
where you think we should be in the future.

The real change will be
the changes that we make.
Each and every one of us
needs to work for the change that matters.

We need to remind the government
that they work for us.
They need to understand
that what we think and what we feel matters
and that if they can't make change happen
based on the things that we believe should happen,
then they will not be working for us anymore.

The president is merely
the CEO of our country
and should answer to the people
on the issues that the people feel are important.

Because we all have our own opinions,
we may not always agree
on exactly what we believe
needs to be done,
but I do believe that even if
we think separate roads are better,
we all want to end up at the same destination.

We are promised a government
for the people, by the people and of the people---
let's make sure they make good on that promise.

making tough choices

Everyday we have choices to make.
what to wear, how to do our hair,
whether to get up out of bed
as soon as the alarm screeches
or to sneak in another 5 minutes (or 20),
to have coffee or tea, eat a sandwich or a salad,
which song to play on the ipod.
sometimes we're asked to make
the most mundane choices
and sometimes they're
earth-shattering and life-changing.

it's during the times when
i've had to make these life-altering choices
that i just want to scream,
stop the world! i want to get off!
i want some time alone to make
my decision properly and sanely,
because sometimes
(more often than not)
my decision-making ability
is flawed and emotion-driven.
i want to sit down and consider
my options carefully so that i can make
a decision that is the best for me
and for everyone involved.

i've found myself in a huge muddle.
and it's seriously not good.
i'm not happy.
i seriously wish, sometimes,
life had an "undo" button
so i can redo everything.
unfortunately, these lessons,
we sometimes have to learn the hard way
and we have to face
the consequences of our decisions,
we must live the resulting life
because of the choices we make.

honoring promises is not an easy thing.
and honoring a particularly difficult promise
that i made ages ago is quite possibly
going to break my heart.

judge judy got rich by yelling at people.

it's really pretty impressive what we pay for certain things.

"...T.V is, after all, the modern-day Roman coliseum...human devastation as mass entertainment, and the millions sit, jeering, collectively cheering..." ani difranco, 'Tamburitza Lingua'

on another note, if i hear the expressions "wall street" and "main street" used in relationship to each other one more time, i may just bomb something. why does every election year have to have some stupid little saying that emerges as the definitive expression of the State of Things? next election year i want to hear "SHIT SUCKS" if i hear anything.

It's a hard knock life!!!

In school we are taught
how to read and write,
and how to add and subtract.
Those are vital to learning
and getting along in the world.

Where are the classes
for dealing with the loss of a job,
the death of a loved one,
the failure of a relationship?
No wonder so many people
feel lost and alone when
they are going through hard times.
No wonder many turn to
alcohol and even suicide.
How many times
have you heard
someone in distress say,
"I can't see a way out."

Life has tested me
and I have not always
responded with
the courage and determination
that I'd like to claim.
I don'thave all the answers all the time.
No one does.

This year alone
I've survived many broken relationships
both lovers and friends
I've managed to scrape by,
by the seat of my pants.
I've never really known
how I was going to make ends meet,
but I've managed to do so.
I've also been dealt some
pretty bad health issues,
but I'm still kicking

I am stronger for the experiences,
wiser and more determined than ever
to celebrate all that life throws at me,
the good and the bad.
I look forward to
the rest of my life with such relish.


And I hope by reading this,
you will feel the same way.

The lion king-
a great story
about surviving
the hard knocks in life.

Cries of a searching soul

my lips can hardly form
the words i dare not utter.
the thoughts swirling in my mind
are beginning to pound from my heart,
echoing against the empty walls
that chain me in.
the night is blinding my eyes,
the starts all melt together
to form a mirage of something greater.
but what is greater?
if anyone could tell the story of purpose,
i beg that one lonely soul
to scream it to the westward wind.
the wisdom that goes far beyond
the petty knowledge of
the most respected
is staring me in the face,
only to vanish when i reach
into the darkness
and realize nothing's there.
for nothing will ever exist
in the emptiness of even
the greatest accomplishments.
the wheel does not cease to spin
for the weakest nor the strongest.
if a reason exists in this hurricane of questions,
i shall be the last to grasp it,
or my fingers have long grown cold in my grip
on what i thought was reality.
but what may be truth for one
is merely a falsehood for his neighbor.
there once must have been
one ultimate goal, one grand prize.
but it has long been covered
from the sand we've thrown on top
while we build our castles
that get washed away
by the crashing waves of doubts and fear.
so we leave our backyard sandbox
to paint rainbows in the mud.
will we ever stop to wonder
why nothing changes?
could we not settle to learn
from our ancestors tears?
but we pack the hauntingly familiar photographs
into dusty boxes so we can erase them
from all memory for one more day.
and we close our eyes
and bury our heads under the blankets
til we awaken in yet another nightmare,
only to find that everything
is right where we left it.
and so it goes, on and on
til eternity is over
and we can finally breathe without choking
on the dust of our last mistake.
only then will i stop to realize
i had the answer in my fingertips the entire time,
if only i would have accepted
the facts that were not true
and chosen to change the future before it began.

Freedom?

i don't use names.
the dates here
for the most part
are only usable
for figuring out
when i decided
to finally post something.
much of what ends up here is old,
older than this journal.

all i am asking of you
is that you let me expose
the ticks and bangs
and rattles of my consciousness
in a context where i am
as nameless and timeless
as the things i have to say.
without judging. without fearing.
without seeking to know
more than what is,
ultimately, important.

if i can't be free here,
where can i be free?
tell me and i'll go.

Looking to the past, present, and towards the bright future.

I stopped writing for a while. mainly because I wanted to just keep my thoughts to myself... but now, I'm ready to start writing again.

Alot has happened since my last post. The biggest thing to occur is the lose of a dear friendship. However, the friendship had turned into something that no longer resembled a friendship at all. We were both too busy trying to get the other to change, and not enjoying the others company. Talks that were meant to fix the issues we had only led to fights, and though I can not speak for her, I ended up having my fill, and it had to end. As my best friend always says, "You can only bang your head against the wall so many times, before you decide to give up". The lose of this friendship, also caused me to question the stength of the friendship I have with my best friend. However he reassured me that we would be ok, because we don't ask each other to change.

Change is something that I for one fear. Change is something that I fight... and like I said many times before the fateful night, that ended a friendship... I'm trying to change, I'm trying to better myself, and I don't need anyone rushing me in doing so. If you are truely and honestly my friend, be there for me, support me, but don't try to force me to change. There is a very fine line there, one that was crossed too many times. Being helpful is one thing, but lets not forget, that sometimes being helpful can also be hurtful for "The road to hell is paved with good intentions".

I wish her nothing but the best on the rest of her journy through life. She is truly a remarkable person. It does sadden me that I will no longer be sharing this thing we called life with her, but I'm sure one day, we'll both look back, and see that what happened was for the best. I think we were both in each others lives for a reason, and that we had fulfilled our purpose, and had to move on. We were only holding each other back, from having the lives we truly want. Both of us in the past have said that we were soulmates, and I still belive this even after all that has happend between us as of late.

Lets look back to an old blog post.

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit,
and that's what everyone wants.
But a true soul mate is a mirror,
the person who shows you
everything that's holding you back,
the person who brings you
to your own attention so
you can change your life.

I have just re-read Elizabeth Gilbert's last book - Eat, Pray, Love: One woman's search for everything.

A true soulmate is probably
the most important person you'll ever meet,
because they tear down your walls
and smack you awake.
But to live with a soulmate forever?
Nah. Too painful.

I'm not too sure why I picked up this book in the first place, but it was not a random buy. There was something about the write-ups and reviews that told me, if there was one book that I was to read and learn something from, it would be this book. And it was right.

Soulmates,
they come into your life
just to reveal another layer of yourself
to you,
and then they leave.

Cos I have been stuck in a rut for the longest time and exhausting all possible means to get out of it. I seriously think I was at the point of resigning myself to the one useless fact that I was not going to be able to get over it, and hence, there was no point in fighting it. Which would have just been so wrong as it would see me as you have been - on one massive roller-coaster ride.

Your problem is -
you just can't let this one go.
It's over.

I have even been thinking to myself that hey - maybe there's some basis to all this. I mean, a rut is like 2 weeks, a month. But when it stretches as long as the calendar change? And I have been fighting down all the flaws that I now recognize, wanting to keep an all perfect image of the imaginary.

His purpose was to shake you up,
tear apart your ego a little bit,
show you your obstacles and your addiction,
break your heart open so new light could get in,
make you so desperate and out of control that
you HAD to transform your life,
then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it.
That was his job, and he did great,
but now it's over.

Somebody asked me the other day - was I content? And I found myself replying by asking back, What was contentment? If it meant, do I have all the things that I wanted and is okay with not having the things I don't - then the answer would be NO. I came home and thought about it, have been thinking about it. And you know what? I am content, save for one. It's tiring, to be like a cat, chasing after their own tail. And I am dog-tired. So bone-weary that somedays, it weighs me down like a ton of bricks.

You're afraid to let go of
the last bits of him because then
you'll really be alone,
and you are scared to death
of what will happen when
you're really alone.

Reading this book again, if not for anything else, has opened my eyes and my mind to this - that I do not have to be dog-tired. That it is of my own choosing. That my present is in my own hands for me to change so that the tomorrow can be another care-free day.

But here's what you've gotta understand -
if you clear out all that space in your mind
that you're using right now to obsess about this guy,
you'll have a vacuum there,
an open spot - a doorway.

In truth, maybe a part of me thinks that for me to be happy, I needed that one spark that re-ignited the flame of happiness to always be there. Like your trusty lighter that you must keep on you at all times. But that's not it is it?

And guess what the universe will do with that doorway?
It will rush in and fill you with
more love than you ever dreamed.

True that maybe this one person knows me on a level that most other people don't. But it would also be the truth that maybe this one person knows me as such, only because I allowed them and no one else to see those sides of me.

So stop using him to block that door.
Let. It. Go.

Yeah - it's time. You could have been one of my best friends for life and shown me the different sides of the same story. But that's over now and it's time to move on.

So with this, I am closing that chapter forever. I'm going to let it go, and move on. Just as I hope she does. Thanks for the memories, thanks for all the help you gave me along the way. And as you said, maybe one day I'll remember you fondly. I'm not there yet, but I'm alot closer than I was yesterday.

Do you even notice me

At times I feel as though no one can see me…

I feel like I'm standing in the middle
of a crowded room shouting…
and yet no one can hear me…

I feel as though I'm crying in front of people,
and yet no one sees my tears…

I feel trapped inside this box…
no one knows where I am,
and at the same time,
no one cares to try and find me.

I feel lost, uncertain, unsure…
afraid, isolated and alone.

I can't voice the pain
I'm going through mentally and emotionally
because… when I do voice it,
no one hears.

When my friends need someone
to listen to or bounce ideas off of,
they come to me…

When they need a shoulder to cry on,
arms to hold them,
someone to give sound advice
without sugar coating the problem,
or someone to just sit with them
and hold their hand…
they come to me.

Yet when I need the same…
I am alone.
No one is there for me
in the way that I am there for others…
and that hurts.

I'm not looking for sympathy…
This blog wasn't started for that…

It was started in order for me
to be able to share my thoughts and feelings
without having to answer for my words…
and to date, I haven't had
to answer for any of my words…

Sure, they have brought up questions…
but the questions I didn't want to answer went ignored,
or more often than not…
I simply told the person I would not be answering them…
I just want to vent…

Odd as it may sound…
despite the people that surround me…
I still feel isolated and unsure…
I feel alone…

I wish people made as much time for me
as I made for them… or hell…
even 1/2 the time that I made for them will do.

I wonder… would it hit home
if I suddenly wasn't there for them
as often as they needed me?

How much of a difference would it make
if instead of giving them the time and attention
that I usually do when they are in need…
I backed away from them
and started giving them the same amount
of attention as they showed me
in my own time of need?

Quite frankly… that's all I have to say
on this subject for now…

This post isn't meant to piss anyone off…
hurt anyones feelings, or upset anyone…

It's just may own personal way
of venting without doing any of the above.

It doesn't mean I love you any less…
it just means that some of you guys and gals
need to think of people other than yourself,

because quite frankly…
I wonder if you even notice
myself or others anymore…
outside of fullfilling
your own emotional wants and needs….

Remember… the world doesn't revolve around you…
Other people have needs, wants,
desires, and problems as well…

and sometimes… they want someone
to talk to just as much as you yourself do
during your time of happiness, sorrow,
strength, pain, or any other emotion
you may be going through.

That is all…

"The truth is... I don't care as much as you think I do"

Have I Mentioned?

We do all remember that
when I love, it is forever, right?

I'm not doing well. I want him.
I want him so much every inch of me aches.
But I'm hiding it. Why?
Because I can't have him. .

Anyway. Just thought I'd throw that out there,
since I've been so quiet.

Writers Block

The rapid taps
Of the fingers
Capitalize
Rat-a-tat-tat
On the keyboard,
Frustrating the flap
Of the brain,
Making it crack
Wide open,
Like a map
That is
Flat with ideas,
Empty of sap;
Especially when
Remnants of Jack Daniels
Wrap around each step
By step; his stairway to heaven;
Causing each thought to snap,
That heavy tapestries droop from his brows
And his back bow low with respect
To his sore muse, his shoulders
Paperweight solid;
Trapping the writer at his desk,
Slowly breaking his neck.

Never Have I Ever

Here we present a list. Highlight those tasks that you have accomplished in your life. And then add a new task to the list of something memorable that you've done that isn't on the list yet.

(The Things In Italics Are Things I Really Want To Do)

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s nappy
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten tipsy on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse of both the sun and moon
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had/Have amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted a river
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Gotten flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in a Rocky Horror Picture Show
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Passed out cold
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a TV game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept 30 hours in a 48 hour time frame
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read “The Iliad”
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life
151. Organized a HUGE event!
152. Seen something you can't explain with science.
153. Had a book published.

And my addition...
154. Fallen in love with your best friend


Seems there's still a lot to be added to my Bucket List... although there are many things on there I have no interest in accomplishing!

Secrets

Ask and you shall recieve

Lying here with you, listening to the rain
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face

For the better part of the day, and the whole of last night, I have been stuck in a place inside my head. A place that was both happy and sad at the same time.

Looking in your eyes, seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything to me

What was once a grey area, has either 1) gotten murkier or 2) gone clear. I can't decide which it is, though 24 years of living tells me it's gone the way of the latter only to reach the infamous Chris dam.

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life

It wasn't suppose to go this way. Well, there was hope but there was also the negativity. And now that we are there, I do not know what to do with it. If I was an actor, the critics would write it up as a severe case of stage-fright. He's writing it off to me being me.

These are the moments I know heaven must exist
These are the moments I know all I need is this
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have's come true

I also got the Question! Well, not the question that all of you are probably thinking, but it doesn't fall into the definition of "nice and easy" ones as well. And I think I aced that one, given it was THE MODEL answer, except that it was the model answer for a different examination board.

I could not ask for more than this time together with you
And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you, here with me

So yeah... grey area is not quite so the grey anymore. Doesn't mean I am pure happy and accounted for. And it doesn't mean I am any less frustrating, to both him and my own reflection. I'm exasperating I know. But if you have made so many mistakes in life, you really don't wanna make another. And so we sit and do nothing. Say nothing. But hope and pray that we're showing everything that's gone un-said.

Maybe I should just make life easy. Not say anything but do what I have always done before with the men in my life - send them a letter and let em read all about it! Cos I really can't think of any other way or a possibility where I could sit down, look him in the eye and say the right answer to the right question....

I found all I've waited for
I have all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

I think I shall go to bed and sleep on it... And yes, I can hear what you're saying - I'm thinking too much!

... Eventually, I'll round to not doing that and listen to you, kays?... but not right now.

Doing Nothing

I've forgotten, and maybe quite conveniently too,
that i signed up to receive a newsletter
from Oprah Winfrey's website.
Now to be honest,
I've never actually opened
one of these newsletters
and really looked through them.

It's quite a packet of information, really.

Sometimes, we get reminders
about what to cherish and value
from the oddest of places.
I got mine today from a quote
from Oprah's newsletter. it said:

Yes there are many things
that need to get done,
but at this moment
I have nothing to do.

I think it's important for us to remember
that we should take the time to be quiet
and to appreciate moments when we're alone
and there is a moment of stillness in our lives.
We sometimes live lives that are too busy
that we forget to give ourselves a moment
to quiet our spirits and center ourselves.

I'm thankful for this moment of stillness.
The worrying and the problems can come later.
For now, I'm sitting here
just appreciating that right now,
I don't have to do or say anything.

Misunderstood

There is something
in the heart of man kind
that longs to be needed,
longs to do something
that will make a difference,
to be great, to feel fulfilled,
or to go out on a limb
and become a butterfly.
But to be great
is so often misunderstood.

Particularly in the small things
that we do that affect the whole.
Sometimes it's the little things
that make a bigger impact.

For things to flow in all areas of our lives...
we have to allow the energy to flow
in our thoughts, our actions...
and that each thought and action, and idea
expresses greatness, abundance,
freedom, and love!
Which means- not putting limitations on it
by a certain person,
a certain way it has to come,
a fear that it can't come.

Because every limitation
is only from within
and it can be changed BY us.
We aren't stuck just because
the limitation is there,
it's only illusion that it's there permanetly...it is not!
Anytime we can say
--"I am worthy of more"--
love yourself more
and accept only the best
and highest for yourself!

Anything that affirms what you want,
is always stronger than the limitation!

"To be great is to be misunderstood"
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Update

So, this isn't really an update at all, it's just to say that with the power being out, and the cable being off, I've not really have a chance to blog. I do have alot to blog about though, and hopefully in the next few days, I will be able to make a real post. Hope all is well with everyone.

A clean slate

Welcome to my new little piece of the world wide web. Hope you enjoy it here.

Fathers Day Post Secrets

Fathers Day Post Secrets

A change is coming

I'm going to only use this blog for my posts that have something to do with "gay". Such as my gay rights posts, and other such things. I'm going to start putting all my non-related posts on my other blog, which you can visit if you wish at http://therisingphoenix.wordpress.com/. Some posts there are password protected. If you want the password send me an email, or leave me a comment and let me know who you are, and chances are I'll send the password to you, unless I have reason not too. Anyways, keep checking this blog, and start checking my other one. Also I'm still wanting help with my "Gay Experience Project", if you've not yet read about, click here and do so. Thanks

Bittersweet Memories

Sometimes this Life
just becomes too much
I wish that I wasn't even born,
I often get to the point
That I feel I can't go on.
I just want to end the suffering
But I know I could never do that,
But suicidal thoughts
run through my head
I want to go back to the point
when I could bare this burden
and my Life wasn't a curse,
I try to remember
how things used to be
but it only intensifies this hurt.
It's like adding gas to flames of a fire
That was already burning bright,
Turning on the switch to a lamp inside
that is a spot light on my Life.
I thought the pain had ended
Or I at least had it under control,
But I was wrong like all times before
It seems I have sold my soul.
Sentenced myself to a life of pain
And stuck with left-overs of what used to be,
Just the memories of a Life once lived
That's all I have left inside of me.
The happiness, the smiles
The joy and the laughter,
That's how it once was
But now my Life is a disaster.
Memories of the past fill my head
And tears begin to form behind my eyes,
But I refuse to let them make that journey
I refuse to let myself cry.
The memories of a Life that was left behind
They seem to only be a tease,
Now I'm stuck with pain and hurt
And left with bittersweet memories.

Five

one shot for my past.
three for the present.
and one for the future.

cheers!

*grin*

Untitled

i thought i could live without you,
i think i was wrong,
everytime i see you,
it looks like you've moved on,
obviously our friendship,
didnt mean that much to you,
because you're willing to throw it away,
with every little thing i do,
you dont even try to talk to me,
you dont even seem to care,
but just in case you didnt know,
im still here,
you gave up way too easily,
you didnt even try,
were not even friends anymore,
and i bet that didnt even make you cry,
your always looking for reasons,
not to talk to me,
if im that bad of a person,
let me know cause i dont see,
i dont see how you can look away,
every time i look at you,
and i dont see how you can just give up,
because of one little thing i do,
friends dont just quit,
and they dont just move on,
so maybe we werent friends,
maybe the whole time we were wrong.

How to make a Chris

Ingredients: 1 part friendliness 3 parts silliness 3 parts leadership

Method: Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add a little lustfulness if desired!

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

Internalized Homophobia - Homophobia can come from homosexuals, too

Are you a gay man who wakes up and considerers himself straight? Do you avoid taking your boyfriend or girlfriend around your straight friends so they won't feel uncomfortable or have to see the "gay" part of you? Do you hate labels, but describe yourself as "straight-acting?" Have you heard of internalized homophobia?

If you just came out within the last two years then internalized homophobia, to some degree, is to be expected. I’ve been there, done that, and am seriously disgusted with myself for that period of my life. I hated being around very openly gay people because they embodied what I didn’t want to be. I avoided conversations that may lead to someone asking me about my personal life because I wanted to be accepted and not rejected. I bragged about my straight-actingness and ignored the fact that straight men didn't do the things I was doing privately. I secretly hated part of myself and didn’t realize it until one day, after I had been called a "fag" one too many times, suddenly, I snapped and realized that I am gay! I had been ashamed of who I was and I wasn’t able to see it because I was afraid of people not accepting me.

I realized that my fears were right. There were some people that didn’t accept me, but I realized that I just didn’t care anymore. There would always be those people that didn’t like me because I’m gay. What’s even funnier is that most of those people will always find a reason not to like someone. If it wasn’t because I was gay, then it would be because of some other stupid reason that really didn’t matter. So I stopped pretending that the straighter I acted, the better off I was. I did begin to accept the people that I previously viewed as "flamers" because they were actually cool and more comfortable with themselves than I had ever been.

I started to realize what it was to be gay, at a late point of my life, and while the fact that I am gay is not the main identifying factor of who I am, it is still a factor in who I am. I am many things, but one thing that I am not anymore is homophobic.

While I may not embrace the "gay" lifestyle, I don’t hate it. While I may not embrace the "straight" lifestyle, I don’t pretend I am a part of it. I embrace who I am-- every part of who I am. And if those parts come with a label or make me stand out, that’s okay because I’m not embarrassed of those parts of me anymore and I don’t care who is.