Alot has happened since my last post. The biggest thing to occur is the lose of a dear friendship. However, the friendship had turned into something that no longer resembled a friendship at all. We were both too busy trying to get the other to change, and not enjoying the others company. Talks that were meant to fix the issues we had only led to fights, and though I can not speak for her, I ended up having my fill, and it had to end. As my best friend always says, "You can only bang your head against the wall so many times, before you decide to give up". The lose of this friendship, also caused me to question the stength of the friendship I have with my best friend. However he reassured me that we would be ok, because we don't ask each other to change.
Change is something that I for one fear. Change is something that I fight... and like I said many times before the fateful night, that ended a friendship... I'm trying to change, I'm trying to better myself, and I don't need anyone rushing me in doing so. If you are truely and honestly my friend, be there for me, support me, but don't try to force me to change. There is a very fine line there, one that was crossed too many times. Being helpful is one thing, but lets not forget, that sometimes being helpful can also be hurtful for "The road to hell is paved with good intentions".
I wish her nothing but the best on the rest of her journy through life. She is truly a remarkable person. It does sadden me that I will no longer be sharing this thing we called life with her, but I'm sure one day, we'll both look back, and see that what happened was for the best. I think we were both in each others lives for a reason, and that we had fulfilled our purpose, and had to move on. We were only holding each other back, from having the lives we truly want. Both of us in the past have said that we were soulmates, and I still belive this even after all that has happend between us as of late.
Lets look back to an old blog post.
People think a soul mate is your perfect fit,
and that's what everyone wants.
But a true soul mate is a mirror,
the person who shows you
everything that's holding you back,
the person who brings you
to your own attention so
you can change your life.
I have just re-read Elizabeth Gilbert's last book - Eat, Pray, Love: One woman's search for everything.
A true soulmate is probably
the most important person you'll ever meet,
because they tear down your walls
and smack you awake.
But to live with a soulmate forever?
Nah. Too painful.
I'm not too sure why I picked up this book in the first place, but it was not a random buy. There was something about the write-ups and reviews that told me, if there was one book that I was to read and learn something from, it would be this book. And it was right.
Soulmates,
they come into your life
just to reveal another layer of yourself
to you,
and then they leave.
Cos I have been stuck in a rut for the longest time and exhausting all possible means to get out of it. I seriously think I was at the point of resigning myself to the one useless fact that I was not going to be able to get over it, and hence, there was no point in fighting it. Which would have just been so wrong as it would see me as you have been - on one massive roller-coaster ride.
Your problem is -
you just can't let this one go.
It's over.
I have even been thinking to myself that hey - maybe there's some basis to all this. I mean, a rut is like 2 weeks, a month. But when it stretches as long as the calendar change? And I have been fighting down all the flaws that I now recognize, wanting to keep an all perfect image of the imaginary.
His purpose was to shake you up,
tear apart your ego a little bit,
show you your obstacles and your addiction,
break your heart open so new light could get in,
make you so desperate and out of control that
you HAD to transform your life,
then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it.
That was his job, and he did great,
but now it's over.
Somebody asked me the other day - was I content? And I found myself replying by asking back, What was contentment? If it meant, do I have all the things that I wanted and is okay with not having the things I don't - then the answer would be NO. I came home and thought about it, have been thinking about it. And you know what? I am content, save for one. It's tiring, to be like a cat, chasing after their own tail. And I am dog-tired. So bone-weary that somedays, it weighs me down like a ton of bricks.
You're afraid to let go of
the last bits of him because then
you'll really be alone,
and you are scared to death
of what will happen when
you're really alone.
Reading this book again, if not for anything else, has opened my eyes and my mind to this - that I do not have to be dog-tired. That it is of my own choosing. That my present is in my own hands for me to change so that the tomorrow can be another care-free day.
But here's what you've gotta understand -
if you clear out all that space in your mind
that you're using right now to obsess about this guy,
you'll have a vacuum there,
an open spot - a doorway.
In truth, maybe a part of me thinks that for me to be happy, I needed that one spark that re-ignited the flame of happiness to always be there. Like your trusty lighter that you must keep on you at all times. But that's not it is it?
And guess what the universe will do with that doorway?
It will rush in and fill you with
more love than you ever dreamed.
True that maybe this one person knows me on a level that most other people don't. But it would also be the truth that maybe this one person knows me as such, only because I allowed them and no one else to see those sides of me.
So stop using him to block that door.
Let. It. Go.
Yeah - it's time. You could have been one of my best friends for life and shown me the different sides of the same story. But that's over now and it's time to move on.
So with this, I am closing that chapter forever. I'm going to let it go, and move on. Just as I hope she does. Thanks for the memories, thanks for all the help you gave me along the way. And as you said, maybe one day I'll remember you fondly. I'm not there yet, but I'm alot closer than I was yesterday.
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