My Prayer

"God determines who
walks into your life….
it's up to you to decide
who you let walk away,
who you let stay,
and who you refuse to let go."

My prayer today?
God help lead me in the right direction
as I stand at this fork in the road.
I know that neither path will be easy,
and both will be full of
challanges, pain, and tears.
However, I also know
that one of these paths
is the path that I am meant to be on,
and in the end, after
the challanges, pain, and tears…
there will be joy, comforting, and love
unlike that I have never known before.
God, I know that this is going
to be a journey that I don't want to start.
I know that in order to start this journey,
I'm going to have to let something go.
I know that which ever way I choose to go,
I'm going to have to let go of something,
and honestly God, I'd rather take the route
that's going to cause me more pain,
because I won't have to let go
of one particular thing earlier
than I want to by going that way.
However, I know that I need
to trust in you and have faith in you
that you will lead me in
the direction that's right for me.
I just need the strength to obey the choice
I KNOW that I should be taking
and that I know would be the most pleasing to you.

I deserve

"The minute you settle for less than you deserve,
you get less than you settled for."

I deserve to be loved and be told I'm loved.

I deserve to live my life as I choose.

I deserve to be cherished

I deserve to receive what I give and I give alot

I deserve to have someone I can honor and who honors me.

I deserve to state my needs and have them met

I deserve aknowledgement for my growth

I deserve heartfelt affection

I deserve respect.

I deserve honesty.

I deserve not to be lied to,
for any reason,
even when you know it will hurt.

I deserve loyalty.

I deserve someone who can take
resposibility for themselves and their actions,
as I take responsibility for myself and my actions.

I deserve open communication,
as I give open communication.

I deserve a second chance
when I screw up on minor things,
as I am not perfect.

Some People

Some People

Inspire you to go beyond what you can do. The methods with which they do, could be either persuasive, coersive or abusive. No matter which they employ, it is only with your best interest(s) at heart, and that is all that matters.

Persuades you to see the other side of the coin. Sometimes they might do the Jedi-mind-trick on ya, especially when the coin only has one side. But the fact that they made you look, is a first.

Brings sense to the senseless. It could be with statements of motivation, bashing on the head or just by being there. There's just something about it that cannot be explained when the impossible is made to be seen as possible.

And I just want to say thanks to that ONE PERSON, who despite being equally busy himself, can still find time to be all of what SOME PEOPLE are to me.

No amount of thanks can be said to relay the depth of the past few days. I can only hope that one day, I would be able to reciprocate the same in turn, when the moment calls for it.

Big hug Nate!

I'm Sorry

I'm the first to be practical in such matters.
Yes, of course, I could live without you.
Life would go on.
I would absolutely get over it eventually,
even if I still suffered pangs years down the road.

But, I don't want to.

Not when you have such a beautiful heart.
Caring, and generous, and honest.

I feel as if I'm forcing myself on you.
You're up front about the fact
that this is all in fun.
You've made no pretense
that there is anything more
to our relationship than frienship.
Still, I find myself loving you.
There, I said it straight and sober,
although I think we all had a pretty clear idea.
It's easy when I'm drunk
and don't care what you say.
However, it's easier in the safety of the written word.
It's easier in the whispers while you sleep.
It's easier when you can't answer.
Because I do feel that it adds pressure you don't need.
I don't want you to back away or change anything about "us",
for fear of breaking my heart.
I don't want you to feign something unreal
because you think it would make me feel better.

So when you ask me why I'm smiling, I'll say 'nothing.'
And when you ask me why I'm looking at you, I'll just smile.
And when you ask why I'm crying, I'll say I don't know, but it's this.
I do love you. And once it's there, it's forever.

You see, I'm expecting you to leave.
I keep reminding myself not to get too attached,
because in all likelihood, right now is all there is.
I'm scared you'll move away.
I'm scared you'll decide that I'm too much trouble.
I'm scared that now that she has the baby
I won't see you anymore,
because you'll be too busy with her.
I'm scared you're going to forget about me.

Those things are always there, in my head.
Even in the happiest moments.

I really intended this to be a happy post.

I need to break out of this damned funk I've fallen into.

I'm sorry.

Some Thoughts

I'm hoping this is just a post alcohol thing.
I know it's temporary, even if that isn't the reason.
That doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

I feel emotional. And clingy. And needy. And I hate it.
The worst part is that I feel like you're pulling away.
I feel like you decided I'm no longer worthy of your friendship.

I don't want you to know.
I don't want to need you.
I don't want to ask you to be careful with me.

I'm scared that you might actually hold me gently like I need,
and then I'd be in this even deeper.

Even though I feel this way,
I can still keep my wits about me.
I know, logically, that I shouldn't make assumptions.
I know that if I talk to you,
you will have reasonable things to say.
I know that you're not going to be cruel to me.

So I guess despite my fear,
I'll go ahead and post this.
It's not fair to you for me to hide things.
Just know that unless you bring it up,
I'm going to act like everything is normal.

You don't need this drama.
I know you have enough going on.
I know you just need me to be your friend.

After Glow

I have been thinking about change a lot lately....
And how the changes in the lives of those closest to me,
are going to affect me...
There are not many I would count close to me…
not many that I have let thru the lines
I have drawn up in my life.

Earlier this week, someone wrote me
and said that he hoped that one day
I will see him as a "true friend,"
and the last few days,
I have wondered on the definition of a true friend,
and the point of having any in this day and age
of globe-trotters, and fair weathered-ness.

Touch me and I will follow ~ in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go, I will find my way when I see your eyes
Now I'm living in your afterglow

In many ways, I feel elated and extremely excited
for the changes that are taking place in
the people's lives that I hold dear in my heart.
Yet, a part of me cannot help but also curse the day
that I moved out of my wee little hole
and allowed the friendships to grow
to the state they are now...

Cause when they start to move away,
I'm the one left behind.
And I wonder if I am being a true friend
by thinking such thoughts
~ it's a hateful and spiteful thing to say,
though it is said without malice nor envy.

Whenever you remember times gone by
Remember how we held our heads so high
When all this world was there for us
And we believed we could touch the sky
Whenever you remember ~ I'll be there
Remember how we reached that dream together
Whenever you remember

It's just me admonishing myself
cause I know better
~ Life is full of vanishing acts.
And I have had enough of it to know
that IF something or someone
I didn't know I had, disappeared
- I wouldn't miss it.

I want so much to scream out -
Don't change, don't ever leave...
cause what's to become of me when you do?

Hard days, good times, blue skies, dark nights
I want you to take me ~ wherever you're going to
Maybe say that you'll save me.. a seat next to you.

But it's a bit late to lament on it,
for the lines were established
and they were crossed.
And it's too late to re-draw them now.
But if that's the case,
then why am I still here…
stating and asking…

There for me, every time I've been away
Will you be there for me, thinking of me everyday
Are you my destiny, words I never dared to say
Will you be there for me?

Am I destined to forever walk this road alone?
Please tell me it isn't always going to be so
I don't think I can walk anymore
If I have to go on walking by myself...

Look for me in the forest, hiding amongst the trees

I layed in bed for an hour last night
trying to sort out the confusion in my head
in order to get a good night's rest but it never came.
So I thought if I would just get up today and write it all down,
it'd be out of my mind and I'd be done with it.
So, here I am, blank screen in front of me
and not a clue how to say what I need to say.
I just know that life would be so much easier
if we could just fast forward through the ugly parts,
the moments where we know we'll eventually get over,
but, during the actual suffering of them,
it's so intense that it doesn't seem it will ever end.