Feeling Sad And Alone

I haven't really been very good
about how I act lately.
I'm getting more and more
frustrated with life,
and I'm letting the little things slip.
I've been cussing more.
I get irritated quickly.
My temper has been getting
shorter and shorter.
I'm just really angry with life.
I'm angry that I feel like
I'm losing everything slowly.
Feeling like I'm... losing touch with reality,
and drawing inward.

To be completely candid...

I feel like i'm losing my best friend,
and some how at the same time,
I've lost my husband in the shuffle.
(I don't want to air any laundry here,
please don't ask unless it's in an email)
I've lost what could have been my child,
I feel like if i spent one more day at work
that i was going to lose my sanity.
and so I quit my job.
I've lost my will to try to do anything
about the things happening in my life.

and the worst thing
is I feel that after I've slipped
sadly out of these places
due to lack of maintence,
that i'm not missed.
There's no hole.
No spot for me to reclaim,
and no energy to reclaim it.

I feel like everything is a betrayal.
I feel like I've lost all my friends.
I never see them anymore.
I feel very alone.

and it's probably because
I've been so pissy lately
that i've just pushed
everyone so far away--
that no one wants to try anymore.

hopeless romantic

A deep yearning to hold the one you love,

but never getting the ability to have.

Existance is a futile effort to remain

sympathetic to those around you,

when you have no sympathy for yourself.

Always loving but never achieving love from someone else

has a long lasting consequence.

You realize how lonely being alive really is.

Despair only if you know what you think is right.

Otherwise you are just a pessimistic fool without a clue.

Love is eternal and will always be with you

but it is up to you to unlock it,

and sometimes it seems like you put too much effort into doing so,

and just when you think you have achieved

the perfection of loneliness you wake up in the night

knowing that there is no one out there that cares anymore.

Two personalities clashing to take the priority

of the human complexity that is known as myself.

The longing to be loved and have respect to fill this egotistical pride,

and the other which has been trampeled on endlessly
that longs to be a loner, to drift from this world and everyone in it.

Just giving into the thoughts is all you can do

when you don't know where to turn.

Emotionless and sadistical,

this enigma of a life is sometimes

the most reckless thing you can imagine,

but you can't help but feel useful

when you know you make a difference in someone's life.

Keeping up with a smile so fake

and a compassion so well hidden

that you don't want to show it to anyone.

Protecting yourself from love

is all you can do sometimes

because hatred and depression consume

when you don't make the right choices

and you are left to reflect on every instance

that you have screwed up in life,

and you know... things aren't right

when they should be.

The smile on my face, is because of you

Sometimes it can really take you by surprise,

this thing called emotions.

Just when you thought you couldn't escape

the hold it has over you...

you wake up one day and suddenly,

you don't feel a thing.

Maybe it's because you've found

something better to replace the feelings you have inside.

Maybe the hope that you lost so long ago,

returned by some twist of fate,

and now you're gripping on to it

for fear of losing it again.

Maybe you just realized that the world is so big,

and that God is so much bigger than it all.

Maybe you've been holding on to those emotions

for so long that day by day,

it slowly dissolved into nothing.

Or maybe you just... forgot.

In a way, it's good that people forget easily.

Some people just aren't as forgiving as others are.

I guess you could say that the only way

they could forgive was to first, forget.

I guess I'm just really glad that

I'm free from all the troubles

of being emotionally tied down...

free for the time being, anyway...

who knows when it'll come again?

right now, as long as I can look at you

and still smile... I will keep smiling...

for who is to say when that smile will fade?

One day, someday, tomorrow, maybe never.

What counts is that I did smile, regardless... right? :)

"Unanswered Questions" or "Inside looking out"

Rushing... confusing...

drowning in this blur of thoughts...

You know those times when you just

think, and think, and think...

until it all becomes a blur in your head
and you just wanna stop

cause it hurts to think,

but then you start thinking,

"Why am I thinking about this?"...

and it goes on, regardless of your attempts to stop.

I ask a lot of questions I don't always have answers to.

Sometimes I do stuff, say stuff, feel stuff...

and I don't really know why.

I think about stuff, and I don't really know why.

Sometimes I ask questions that

I don't really want answers to

Does that strike you as weird?

I guess that makes me... me

Things that used to matter,

suddenly don't matter anymore.
And things that didn't matter...

all of a sudden, I find that they do.

Is this what happens when people change?

Maybe I'm changing. Is that good?

I'm not too sure myself.

All I know is that I'm not

who I want to be - who I should be...

and yet, I'm enjoying it to a certain extent.

My life's little irony.

No matter how hard I try, or how much I do...

it will never be enough.

Somehow or another,

they will always find a way

to make me feel like I don't belong.

And you know what, that's okay,

I'm done trying.

I guess there's only so much a person can take.

I used to be outside, looking in...

Now, here I am: inside, looking out.

deeper underground

Suicide has been playing on my mind alot lately.

Well, Who hasn't entertained thoughts

of doing a Great Escape from reality?

I have. Many many times.

But something always stops me.

I think of Mom.

Of my room mates.

Of my close friends.

Inevitably, I come to the overbearing conclusion

that they will be better off without me.

And then I think of all the other people in my life,

and wonder what their lives would be like without me in it.

And of course, I'll come to that conclusion again.

Either there wouldn't be any difference,

or they wouldn't notice my absence.

Fair enough.

So whats happened?
I quit my job... for alot of reasons

I made a horrible mistake with E
which for those of you who don't know
has been taken care of.
I somehow have managed
to once again fall for a very good friend of mine
I've hooked up with alot of new people.

And I'm stuck.
I don't know who to call,

and who to ask to leave me alone.

A Love Octagon so to speak.

As it were, this is part of the gloominess
that bears down on me,
as I struggle, manfully or otherwise,
to comprehend the sheer
incredulity of the entire situation.

I know I'm not into all of them.
That would be impossible.
It's impossible to have feelings
for 8 people all at once.
Rather, it stems from a desire
to return the flattery to all but one..
A wish to return the feelings they have for me.

It's like I feel obligated to, that I just should,

because they actually summon

the willingness and courage to show me their feelings.

I do not want to break hearts and let them down.

The guilt is palpable. Heavy.

Such a hard burden to bear.

It makes me want to curl up into a ball,

and pretend nothing is happening.

But I can't. I want my escape.

But I can't make it.

However out of the 8
there is only one person (lets call him DB)
who has my entire heart.

DB is the only one I can't stop thinking about.
DB is the only one who I would do anything
just for a chance to have a realtionship with
to give me and him a chance....
because I think things would work....

if it wasn't for the one major obstical standing in the way.

Then, I know in my heart that I also
have very strong feelings for E,

but.... because of DB,
and because of my past with E
I can't love E like I should

However none of that matters
E hates me now. I think.
The whole mistake and resolution
would make me hate me if I was him
I would have loved the chance to
talk things out with him,
and clear the air.
Try to make things work...

he however choose to give me an ultimatium

thus burning our bridges, almost beyond repair.
A drama queen, till the end. *shakes head*
I need to clear everything out and start anew.
But we all know that isn't possible.

I am suffering. I do not know what to do.
Doesn't anyone understand?
Is it you whom I want and feel I need, DB?
Because right now, inexplicably,
against any notion of logic, or reason or rationale,
I am thinking of you.
And thoughts of you stay my hand
from ending whatever excuse

I have for a life already.
However now, in this infinitesmal moment,
when all is still and I am reduced
to the nothingness of my center,
do I realise that that I am wasting my time
with the feelings I have for you
because you are never going to return them.

I do not know how much more heartache I can take.

I have taken alot already in my short life.

And I have done so willingly,

always believing in the off-chance

of finding true love and thinking that the sacrifices I make

will be appreciated, and will be worth it.

But I have floundered so many times.

I have failed at so many turns.

And I have fallen down at so many hurdles.

Am I wrong? Am I wrong to believe that I can find love?

If I am, then I guesss I really should just die.

Because I do not want to live in a world

where Love will not find me.

Breakdown of the soul

Life is a dance.
It is the end of year school prom.
It is the first waltz at a wedding reception.
It is the first tenatative steps of a hopeful courtship.
Footballers dance past defenders.
Tennis players dance across courts.
Daredevils dance between life and death.
Everyone dances.
Everyone has a partner.
But now...

Now, I dance alone.

It started out great.
Don't they always?
The talks.
The kindness.
The love.
is a wonderous elegance afoot
when the heart makes its choice.
When mind and soul are in rare collusion.
Harmony.
Compromise was always easy to reach.
Forgiveness was always there to be found.
Happiness was but a phone call away.
What else could it have been,
other than pure joy?

Other than love?

They rarely, if ever, end that way.
I have never been fortuntate.
They never stay as friends.
They fade away.
They disappear.
As do you.
Loneliness.
Anger.
Bitterness.
A slow, mad descent into hate.
Obstacles appear where there once open fields.
Unlocked doors are sealed shut.
INtimacy gives way to distance.
Aloofness.
Arrogance.

A stubborn, mind-numbing refusal
to be open minded.
To admit.. to being wrong.


How could we have survived?
How could we have stayed together
when we were both participants,
in what was pulling us apart?
Happy times grew few and far between.
The arguments were getting frequent.
Nasty. Heart-breaking.
More and more, tears were my bedfellows,
sadness my only companion
as I navigated sleepless nights and lightless days.

I know now, as I should have known then,
that it should have stopped. It should have ended.
But I soldiered on, enamoured in my belief in love,
strengthened by my faith in humanity.
Yet it all came to nought.
The pure disdain that became a greeting
wounded my soul deeper than any mere physical harm.
The contempt for emotion tore me into pieces.

What more could be done?
I finally let go, worser for the wear,
Scarred. Forever marked.
An emotional burden I shall carry
for as long as I am unable to deal with it.

Memories are bittersweet.
The sorrowful eloqunce of their subtlety
would be lost on closed hearts and hardened souls.
It is hard to live like this.
Each day is a struggle,
the vagaries of life presenting
alternating degrees of insurmountability.
When will it all end?
When will the simple pleasure of enjoying
the sun's rays and the shine of the moon,
become more than excercises in conquering
the demons of the past?
Deomns, that threaten to haunt my future?

Life is a dance.

And I have forgotten the steps.

I'm Sorry

I'm the first to be practical in such matters.
Yes, of course, I could live without you.
Life would go on.
I would absolutely get over it eventually,
even if I still suffered pangs years down the road.

But, I don't want to.

Not when you have such a beautiful heart.
Caring, and generous, and honest.

I feel as if I'm forcing myself on you.
You're up front about the fact
that this is all in fun.
You've made no pretense
that there is anything more
to our relationship than frienship.
Still, I find myself loving you.
There, I said it straight and sober,
although I think we all had a pretty clear idea.
It's easy when I'm drunk
and don't care what you say.
However, it's easier in the safety of the written word.
It's easier in the whispers while you sleep.
It's easier when you can't answer.
Because I do feel that it adds pressure you don't need.
I don't want you to back away or change anything about "us",
for fear of breaking my heart.
I don't want you to feign something unreal
because you think it would make me feel better.

So when you ask me why I'm smiling, I'll say 'nothing.'
And when you ask me why I'm looking at you, I'll just smile.
And when you ask why I'm crying, I'll say I don't know, but it's this.
I do love you. And once it's there, it's forever.

You see, I'm expecting you to leave.
I keep reminding myself not to get too attached,
because in all likelihood, right now is all there is.
I'm scared you'll move away.
I'm scared you'll decide that I'm too much trouble.
I'm scared that now that she has the baby
I won't see you anymore,
because you'll be too busy with her.
I'm scared you're going to forget about me.

Those things are always there, in my head.
Even in the happiest moments.

I really intended this to be a happy post.

I need to break out of this damned funk I've fallen into.

I'm sorry.