Happy??

i don't like making eye contact with people.i'm not scared of what i might see in other people, rather what they will see in me.they say that the eyes are the windows to the soul.i don't want people looking into my eyes and discovering that my soul isn't really there, that im like the walking dead, living without a soul.maybe it's why i feel so empty inside. im a strange person. at times i feel like im slowly slipping away, at others i feel so alive and happy. i live two lives. the one on the outside, that everyone sees, happy and funny. and the one on the inside, the private one, where im crying and heartbroken. i dont know why im like this.i know that at one point i decided that i was going to be happy on the outside no matter what. i guess this is the price i pay for that.