Sensitive Subject

That touched a nerve.
So, I'm abandoning my writing as a draft,
and I'll get back to it later.
Lets explore this.

I fought long and hard to get what J is now getting freely.

His hunger. His openness.
His dominance. His attention.
I spent an entire year
trying everything I could think of,
because I knew it was there.
And then I walked away.
I lost a year and a half of precious time
with a man I adore,
because no matter what I tried,
he couldn't be himself.
He didn't know how.
Didn't even understand what I was asking.
Couldn't let himself trust me,
or see how much he cared.

I spent an entire year
working with our energies at night,
while we lay in bed,
building the strength of our connection.
It was the only time
he wasn't totally walled off.

My blood, my tears,
my strength and pain.

And now? Now he has embraced himself.
We came back to each other
and a whole new world had opened up.
It's still difficult sometimes,
because of the history,
but at least we're not locked away from each other.

From the moment they met, J had it all.

The connection. The dominance.
The openness. The attention. All of it.
He is himself, and J spent not a single moment
wondering, doubting that what he'd seen was true.
Not a single tear of aching over
his cold and stoic demeanor.

I don't envy the relationship.
I don't envy the closeness.
I am jealous of the ease at which it came.
I envy that I have seen from day one
how excited he is about J,
after everything I went through
to have that for myself.

It would be easier if I'd had time to adjust slowly.
Still, no reason to dwell on things that didn't happen.
I am happy for him. For both of them.
For the love that I can see blossoming.
He won't admit any such thing,
but it doesn't matter what he says, it's what I see.
He's afraid that I might walk away because this is hard.

I've gone through so much already, this is nothing.
I'm not going anywhere. And I know he isn't, either.

There, now. That feels better.
That's a lot of shit to deal with.
I know that I can, though.