More Secrets

Secrets From Post Secret

"I need you to need me"

I love you, and you know that.
I sacrifice for you,
and I am appreciated for it.
You make sacrifices,
and it makes me love you that much more.
You’re just so amazing, in so many ways.

But the truth is,
the stuff I won’t tell you,
is that I need you.
Desperately.

I’m sure you can see it
written all over my face,
or can tell from how I act.
I need you as deeply and completely
as I need oxygen.
I miss you when we’re not together,
hunger for your presence.

And I hate it that you don’t need me in the same way.
I hate being in this position.
I hate not being the one in control,
of my heart, my head, my feelings.
I hate not being the one with all of the cards.
I hate that you hold those cards
that I’m so accustomed to keeping in my possession.
I hate that I’m the one out on the limb,
and you’re sitting comfy, with nothing on the line.
And I hate that you’ve opened me up so much,
to get me to this point,
and haven’t opened yourself up enough
to be there with me.

And I’m scared. I
think that’s why I’m so paranoid,
all the time.
Every time I think of how much I’ve given you,
because I trust you with my heart,
with my whole self,
and I’m not comfortable being that vulnerable,
and I get really scared.
I’m absolutely terrified at letting you know
just how vulnerable I am.
How scared I am.
How badly I need you.

Part of me,
the part that’s been hurt
by "best friends"
one too many times before,
is telling me, screaming at me,
to run away as fast as I can.
To run, and not think about looking back.
Go! Go. To where it’s safe.
Where there’s no risk.
Just GO.

And, to be completely honest,
I want to listen to that part.
That voice has grown quieter,
but it’s still not completely silent.
I’m still scared.
My survival instinct
is still telling me to
run for the fucking hills
as fast as fucking possible.

And I know that you don’t need me
the way that I need you?

I am strong, I am head-strong,
and very independent.
I don’t need a best friend,
no more than I need
anything else that’s superfluous.
Sure, I want another car,
more clothes, a best friend
but I don’t need one.

Or at least that’s the way I was.
After my last friendship disaster....
And then you came along...

And now I’m left wondering
who the hell I am now.
Am I still a strong, independent person?
Or have I become what I’ve always despised?
Have I become one of those people
who rely on someone else to be happy?

I want you to need me, too.
I need you to need me,
the way that I need you.

I don’t know why I wrote about this,
or where I was going with this,
or what I even hoped
to accomplish in writing this.
I guess I just needed to get it off my chest…

Sensitive Subject

That touched a nerve.
So, I'm abandoning my writing as a draft,
and I'll get back to it later.
Lets explore this.

I fought long and hard to get what J is now getting freely.

His hunger. His openness.
His dominance. His attention.
I spent an entire year
trying everything I could think of,
because I knew it was there.
And then I walked away.
I lost a year and a half of precious time
with a man I adore,
because no matter what I tried,
he couldn't be himself.
He didn't know how.
Didn't even understand what I was asking.
Couldn't let himself trust me,
or see how much he cared.

I spent an entire year
working with our energies at night,
while we lay in bed,
building the strength of our connection.
It was the only time
he wasn't totally walled off.

My blood, my tears,
my strength and pain.

And now? Now he has embraced himself.
We came back to each other
and a whole new world had opened up.
It's still difficult sometimes,
because of the history,
but at least we're not locked away from each other.

From the moment they met, J had it all.

The connection. The dominance.
The openness. The attention. All of it.
He is himself, and J spent not a single moment
wondering, doubting that what he'd seen was true.
Not a single tear of aching over
his cold and stoic demeanor.

I don't envy the relationship.
I don't envy the closeness.
I am jealous of the ease at which it came.
I envy that I have seen from day one
how excited he is about J,
after everything I went through
to have that for myself.

It would be easier if I'd had time to adjust slowly.
Still, no reason to dwell on things that didn't happen.
I am happy for him. For both of them.
For the love that I can see blossoming.
He won't admit any such thing,
but it doesn't matter what he says, it's what I see.
He's afraid that I might walk away because this is hard.

I've gone through so much already, this is nothing.
I'm not going anywhere. And I know he isn't, either.

There, now. That feels better.
That's a lot of shit to deal with.
I know that I can, though.

Spring

Spring is always especially painful for me.
The first breaking through from the hard winter ground is the worst.

Everyone keeps telling me
"It's still winter, you dodo.
It's not spring yet."
And, technically, they would be right.
They'd also be wrong.

In this little part of the world,
the hardest work of spring has already begun.
Trees have started to push through
those first little nubbins, which will become buds,
and eventually blossoms and leaves.
Though the visible signs haven't started,
I can feel seeds stirring beneath the ground.
I can feel things making that aching reach
through the shell of winter.

When I say this is the worst part,
it's because this is when things
have to change momentum.

(Basic rule of physics:
An object at rest tends to stay at rest,
unless acted on by an outside force.)

The world is waking.

I am waking.

Like so many things,
I go dormant in the winter.
I revert to "safe" places,
people, and activities.
I don't socialize as much.
I don't self-examine as much.
In the spring, I start working on myself again.
I start going out again.
I shed all of those things
-- habits, people, whatever --
that have been holding me back.
Letting go is hard.
Finding flaws is hard.
All of the things that I've been holding on to
as security blankets get examined
and evaluated for worth.
Including my own ideas.

For days I have been standing
inside a glass bubble,
pounding fiercely.
It hurts to be trapped.
It will hurt in a different way
when the glass shatters.
But it will be worth every second
when I'm free and growing wild again.

When it's over, no one is singing

I'm letting go.
I may or may not decide to tell you that I'm doing so.
I haven't worked out whether you're worth the effort of explaining.
Can't really tell whether you would even care.

Don't worry, though.
I'll still show up at your parties.
That seems to be the main point of concern for you
with our continued friendship.
I enjoy those independently of my attachment to you.
The difference is that I won't pay
the least bit of attention to you while I'm there.

The difference, my dear, is that while
I will still care about your welfare,
I will not continue to allow you
to hurt me with your indifference.
I won't be waiting for you to call.
Even if you said you would.
I won't be opening up to you
or telling you what is going on in my life.
You don't need to know anything
that doesn't affect my attendance at your events.

I don't know what I was thinking.
I guess I thought there might be more between us.
More than the occasional movie,
that I have to beg and wait months for.
More than three words over the telephone.
More than discussions of who I'm fucking.
I guess I thought that I could count on you.
But as soon as I started to do so,
you proved just how wrong I was.

So I won't.
I'll take you as exactly what you have proven to be.
The occasional three words on the telephone,
mostly to establish that I will be there to pad your attendance.
Don't suggest we might go out. I won't be dangled.
I'm not some plaything for you to bat around
when there is no one else on the line.
From now on, the answer is simply 'no.'

I'm letting go. And the simple truth is
that even if I tell you
-- even if I explain it and lay it all out in it's rawest form --
you will never understand how much you meant,
or how much this hurts.

Philosophies of Life

Here are 3 reasons why trust should not be placed as a component in a relationship:

1. There would be no betrayal
2. There would be no hurt
3. There would be no responsibility for the person entrusted with to bear


As such, it was said that
IF trust is not an element,
no matter what happens,
the relationship can still persist.


Such pessimism in life.
Sounds awfully dark and twisted
- almost like something I would say even!


So why then say
"You can trust me"?

Such befuddlements at 2 in the morning
when I need to be at work in 6 hours!
People really shouldn't mess with me like that.
Not when I have a thousand and one things to see to!

And while we're on that subject
we might as well throw in
the latest from Eric which reads:
what is it going to take
for me to see you again?
Name it!

If any readers out there
have any insights as to why
Eric is being so Eric-ish:
please shed some light.

Cos it sure as hell
makes me break into a loud laugh
while I wrinkle my brows!

I am a Daisy What Flower Are You?

"You are just a sweet person.
When a friend needs a shoulder to cry on,
you are happy to offer yours
with a box of tissues as well.
Once in awhile, you wish
you could be a little more dramatic
but then sensibility sets back in
and you know that you are
perfect the way you are."

Dream on dreamer

I know there are times
when you just don't
have it in you to face me.
I also understand
that during those times,
it has nothing to do
with anyone other than you.
Carrying the world can be so weighty
and its demands can be so demanding.
It's alright, I know it's hard to trust me
and I don't blame you.
At times, I don't trust you, either.
Our words can be so revealing,
making us vulnerable.
Sometimes you just need space to breathe.
We all need room to think
and a chance to be alone.
It can get daunting having to tell
your story time and again.
And it always seems to take
more energy than we really have.
But it's okay, I'll wait for you.
Just rest assured that even though
I don't know exactly how you feel,
I do understand you're just doing
what you have to do
and no matter what,
I'll always support that.

Horoscope

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You're feeling the need for someone to help you start thinking more positively right now -- your own ability to stay focused on good thought is getting challenged.

I'll say.

Down And Out

I started out the new year with tears.
Hours worth of tears.
I have been feeling rather down lately,
for no apparent reason.
Generally more needy
of attention and affirmation.
I know the people who love me
have been trying, but it's not enough.

I am more insecure than
I ever let anyone know. Ever.
I have more guilt, self-doubt,
and fear than I show.
Somehow everyone believes
I am confident.
I must be pretty good at faking.

I am suffering one of my periodic depressions.
Knowing what it is doesn't help much.
They are less frequent than they used to be,
but I do wish they would stop altogether.

I know what I want.
I don't believe it exists.
I might change my mind
on that belief when
my heart comes out of this fog.
I'll let you know.