When Nothing is Stagnant

I have some things to say,
but they're not solidified in my mind.
If I start writing now,
it will wander all over the place
and not actually say anything.
So I'm sitting here in silence,
trying to settle on one topic.
One point of choice.
One idea that I want to convey.

While I sat here trying
to fall into a groove,
I realized that maybe
that is what I need
to write about today.
Maybe I don't need to write
about my flaws,
my impatience,
or the desire
to learn and grow,
or the work it takes
to get where
I want to be.
Maybe today
I just need to say
that I'm thinking about
all of that,
and so much more.

I want to thank you for that.

Thank you, J.
You challenge me.
Every conversation,
every thought
that escapes your head
challenges me.
It's contrary to my
comfortable little hole
in the soil,
and I love that about you.
I love that you argue with me.
You force me to look at myself
in a different way.
You help me to see
my relationships differently.
And by looking at all the angles
-- even the ones I don't like --
I get to see a little better.

Thank you, N.
You support me.
I know we try not
to dwell on the past,
but I want to delve back
just long enough to say
that you have always done
your very best to support me.
When I cried,
you held me and listened.
When I had a problem,
you offered a solution.
When I was hurting,
you tried to save me.
Anything I want to do,
I know that I can count on you
to help me along.

Thank you, M.
You feed me.
I don't mean literal food,
although you do that
also on occasion.
You feed my passion.
You feed my drive.
Our interactions
-- even when not
entirely pleasant --
give me the energy
to get through every day.
You fill me up
and keep me vibrant.
I'm pretty sure I glow
just from talking to you.
Life has color
as long as I have you.

Thank you,
to all my dear friends.
You complete me.
You fill my days and nights
with smiles, and laughter.
It's all of you that make
this life worth living.
It's all of you that make
me want to keep growing,
keep going, keep getting
stronger and better.
It's all of you that fill
my heart and mind.
I am beautiful
not because of myself,
but because of you.
Each of you.

I can't even start
to list names or initials,
for fear I'd leave someone out.
Or, at the least, make this entry
far longer than anyone
could sit through.
You know who you are.

(If you're reading this,
and you think it's not you,
think again. It's you.)

The Dawn Of The Future

Growing up, I was raised to believe
that every American had a voice
and that voice was meant to be heard.
I am not so sure anymore
that those standards apply today.

We all still have a voice,
but it seems that the voices
that drown us all out
are the voices that should be
working with and for us,
not against us.

The politicians who have
taken an oath to do
what is in the best interest
of the people have taken it
upon themselves to do
what benefits them
and big businesses.

Those of us that work hard
to provide for our families
and to keep life together
on a daily basis
are the same people who pay
the inflated salaries of politicians
who just don't seem
to care about us anymore.

There was a time when
political figures actually listened
to the constituents of
the communities that they worked in.
But those days have been gone for a long time.
It's time that we all took a stand.
Change starts with us--

Americans are the ones
who have built this country
and thus, Americans are the ones
who can change this country.
Both of our presidential candidates
say they will bring change.

What kind of change is the question?

Will we spend another presidential term
wishing that we had made
more informed choices?

Will we regret the choices
that we have made?

We are the only ones
who can educate ourselves
and make informed decisions.

Time is running out--
the election is not that far away
so dig deep for the facts
and educate yourself.

Spread the facts
and not the "facts,"
as the media would
have us believe them.

There are so many places
that we can find the information
that will help us make
informed choices
and do what we feel
is in the best interest of this country.

Think ahead to what
we will be leaving behind
to our children and grandchildren.

The choices we make today
can and will affect the future
of our children and their children as well.

I don't want my children
growing up in a world
that is destined to be
where we are headed now.

I don't want my children
facing the same problems
that we are today.

So my vote is for CHANGE!

I won't go into who I am voting for
or why I made that choice,
but I will say that my focus
isn't on what my candidate
has or hasn't done,
but more importantly,
what he can and will do.

Promises are empty,
but the facts
are pretty self-explanatory.
Rather than listen to what
the media says
and what mud the other party slings,
look for yourself at all the facts
that you can find.

What can it hurt to do a little surfing?

Take a few minutes away
from your e-mail or that game
and search for cold hard facts
about where each candidate stands
and what each candidate
is capable of doing.

Remember-- they work for us,
not the other way around.

Change starts with each of us.

Look back at the past
and see what party
has stood where over the years.

Look back at the end
of past presidential terms
and see where we were as a nation then.

Then look forward and see
where you think we should be in the future.

The real change will be
the changes that we make.
Each and every one of us
needs to work for the change that matters.

We need to remind the government
that they work for us.
They need to understand
that what we think and what we feel matters
and that if they can't make change happen
based on the things that we believe should happen,
then they will not be working for us anymore.

The president is merely
the CEO of our country
and should answer to the people
on the issues that the people feel are important.

Because we all have our own opinions,
we may not always agree
on exactly what we believe
needs to be done,
but I do believe that even if
we think separate roads are better,
we all want to end up at the same destination.

We are promised a government
for the people, by the people and of the people---
let's make sure they make good on that promise.

making tough choices

Everyday we have choices to make.
what to wear, how to do our hair,
whether to get up out of bed
as soon as the alarm screeches
or to sneak in another 5 minutes (or 20),
to have coffee or tea, eat a sandwich or a salad,
which song to play on the ipod.
sometimes we're asked to make
the most mundane choices
and sometimes they're
earth-shattering and life-changing.

it's during the times when
i've had to make these life-altering choices
that i just want to scream,
stop the world! i want to get off!
i want some time alone to make
my decision properly and sanely,
because sometimes
(more often than not)
my decision-making ability
is flawed and emotion-driven.
i want to sit down and consider
my options carefully so that i can make
a decision that is the best for me
and for everyone involved.

i've found myself in a huge muddle.
and it's seriously not good.
i'm not happy.
i seriously wish, sometimes,
life had an "undo" button
so i can redo everything.
unfortunately, these lessons,
we sometimes have to learn the hard way
and we have to face
the consequences of our decisions,
we must live the resulting life
because of the choices we make.

honoring promises is not an easy thing.
and honoring a particularly difficult promise
that i made ages ago is quite possibly
going to break my heart.

judge judy got rich by yelling at people.

it's really pretty impressive what we pay for certain things.

"...T.V is, after all, the modern-day Roman coliseum...human devastation as mass entertainment, and the millions sit, jeering, collectively cheering..." ani difranco, 'Tamburitza Lingua'

on another note, if i hear the expressions "wall street" and "main street" used in relationship to each other one more time, i may just bomb something. why does every election year have to have some stupid little saying that emerges as the definitive expression of the State of Things? next election year i want to hear "SHIT SUCKS" if i hear anything.

It's a hard knock life!!!

In school we are taught
how to read and write,
and how to add and subtract.
Those are vital to learning
and getting along in the world.

Where are the classes
for dealing with the loss of a job,
the death of a loved one,
the failure of a relationship?
No wonder so many people
feel lost and alone when
they are going through hard times.
No wonder many turn to
alcohol and even suicide.
How many times
have you heard
someone in distress say,
"I can't see a way out."

Life has tested me
and I have not always
responded with
the courage and determination
that I'd like to claim.
I don'thave all the answers all the time.
No one does.

This year alone
I've survived many broken relationships
both lovers and friends
I've managed to scrape by,
by the seat of my pants.
I've never really known
how I was going to make ends meet,
but I've managed to do so.
I've also been dealt some
pretty bad health issues,
but I'm still kicking

I am stronger for the experiences,
wiser and more determined than ever
to celebrate all that life throws at me,
the good and the bad.
I look forward to
the rest of my life with such relish.


And I hope by reading this,
you will feel the same way.

The lion king-
a great story
about surviving
the hard knocks in life.

Cries of a searching soul

my lips can hardly form
the words i dare not utter.
the thoughts swirling in my mind
are beginning to pound from my heart,
echoing against the empty walls
that chain me in.
the night is blinding my eyes,
the starts all melt together
to form a mirage of something greater.
but what is greater?
if anyone could tell the story of purpose,
i beg that one lonely soul
to scream it to the westward wind.
the wisdom that goes far beyond
the petty knowledge of
the most respected
is staring me in the face,
only to vanish when i reach
into the darkness
and realize nothing's there.
for nothing will ever exist
in the emptiness of even
the greatest accomplishments.
the wheel does not cease to spin
for the weakest nor the strongest.
if a reason exists in this hurricane of questions,
i shall be the last to grasp it,
or my fingers have long grown cold in my grip
on what i thought was reality.
but what may be truth for one
is merely a falsehood for his neighbor.
there once must have been
one ultimate goal, one grand prize.
but it has long been covered
from the sand we've thrown on top
while we build our castles
that get washed away
by the crashing waves of doubts and fear.
so we leave our backyard sandbox
to paint rainbows in the mud.
will we ever stop to wonder
why nothing changes?
could we not settle to learn
from our ancestors tears?
but we pack the hauntingly familiar photographs
into dusty boxes so we can erase them
from all memory for one more day.
and we close our eyes
and bury our heads under the blankets
til we awaken in yet another nightmare,
only to find that everything
is right where we left it.
and so it goes, on and on
til eternity is over
and we can finally breathe without choking
on the dust of our last mistake.
only then will i stop to realize
i had the answer in my fingertips the entire time,
if only i would have accepted
the facts that were not true
and chosen to change the future before it began.

Freedom?

i don't use names.
the dates here
for the most part
are only usable
for figuring out
when i decided
to finally post something.
much of what ends up here is old,
older than this journal.

all i am asking of you
is that you let me expose
the ticks and bangs
and rattles of my consciousness
in a context where i am
as nameless and timeless
as the things i have to say.
without judging. without fearing.
without seeking to know
more than what is,
ultimately, important.

if i can't be free here,
where can i be free?
tell me and i'll go.

Looking to the past, present, and towards the bright future.

I stopped writing for a while. mainly because I wanted to just keep my thoughts to myself... but now, I'm ready to start writing again.

Alot has happened since my last post. The biggest thing to occur is the lose of a dear friendship. However, the friendship had turned into something that no longer resembled a friendship at all. We were both too busy trying to get the other to change, and not enjoying the others company. Talks that were meant to fix the issues we had only led to fights, and though I can not speak for her, I ended up having my fill, and it had to end. As my best friend always says, "You can only bang your head against the wall so many times, before you decide to give up". The lose of this friendship, also caused me to question the stength of the friendship I have with my best friend. However he reassured me that we would be ok, because we don't ask each other to change.

Change is something that I for one fear. Change is something that I fight... and like I said many times before the fateful night, that ended a friendship... I'm trying to change, I'm trying to better myself, and I don't need anyone rushing me in doing so. If you are truely and honestly my friend, be there for me, support me, but don't try to force me to change. There is a very fine line there, one that was crossed too many times. Being helpful is one thing, but lets not forget, that sometimes being helpful can also be hurtful for "The road to hell is paved with good intentions".

I wish her nothing but the best on the rest of her journy through life. She is truly a remarkable person. It does sadden me that I will no longer be sharing this thing we called life with her, but I'm sure one day, we'll both look back, and see that what happened was for the best. I think we were both in each others lives for a reason, and that we had fulfilled our purpose, and had to move on. We were only holding each other back, from having the lives we truly want. Both of us in the past have said that we were soulmates, and I still belive this even after all that has happend between us as of late.

Lets look back to an old blog post.

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit,
and that's what everyone wants.
But a true soul mate is a mirror,
the person who shows you
everything that's holding you back,
the person who brings you
to your own attention so
you can change your life.

I have just re-read Elizabeth Gilbert's last book - Eat, Pray, Love: One woman's search for everything.

A true soulmate is probably
the most important person you'll ever meet,
because they tear down your walls
and smack you awake.
But to live with a soulmate forever?
Nah. Too painful.

I'm not too sure why I picked up this book in the first place, but it was not a random buy. There was something about the write-ups and reviews that told me, if there was one book that I was to read and learn something from, it would be this book. And it was right.

Soulmates,
they come into your life
just to reveal another layer of yourself
to you,
and then they leave.

Cos I have been stuck in a rut for the longest time and exhausting all possible means to get out of it. I seriously think I was at the point of resigning myself to the one useless fact that I was not going to be able to get over it, and hence, there was no point in fighting it. Which would have just been so wrong as it would see me as you have been - on one massive roller-coaster ride.

Your problem is -
you just can't let this one go.
It's over.

I have even been thinking to myself that hey - maybe there's some basis to all this. I mean, a rut is like 2 weeks, a month. But when it stretches as long as the calendar change? And I have been fighting down all the flaws that I now recognize, wanting to keep an all perfect image of the imaginary.

His purpose was to shake you up,
tear apart your ego a little bit,
show you your obstacles and your addiction,
break your heart open so new light could get in,
make you so desperate and out of control that
you HAD to transform your life,
then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it.
That was his job, and he did great,
but now it's over.

Somebody asked me the other day - was I content? And I found myself replying by asking back, What was contentment? If it meant, do I have all the things that I wanted and is okay with not having the things I don't - then the answer would be NO. I came home and thought about it, have been thinking about it. And you know what? I am content, save for one. It's tiring, to be like a cat, chasing after their own tail. And I am dog-tired. So bone-weary that somedays, it weighs me down like a ton of bricks.

You're afraid to let go of
the last bits of him because then
you'll really be alone,
and you are scared to death
of what will happen when
you're really alone.

Reading this book again, if not for anything else, has opened my eyes and my mind to this - that I do not have to be dog-tired. That it is of my own choosing. That my present is in my own hands for me to change so that the tomorrow can be another care-free day.

But here's what you've gotta understand -
if you clear out all that space in your mind
that you're using right now to obsess about this guy,
you'll have a vacuum there,
an open spot - a doorway.

In truth, maybe a part of me thinks that for me to be happy, I needed that one spark that re-ignited the flame of happiness to always be there. Like your trusty lighter that you must keep on you at all times. But that's not it is it?

And guess what the universe will do with that doorway?
It will rush in and fill you with
more love than you ever dreamed.

True that maybe this one person knows me on a level that most other people don't. But it would also be the truth that maybe this one person knows me as such, only because I allowed them and no one else to see those sides of me.

So stop using him to block that door.
Let. It. Go.

Yeah - it's time. You could have been one of my best friends for life and shown me the different sides of the same story. But that's over now and it's time to move on.

So with this, I am closing that chapter forever. I'm going to let it go, and move on. Just as I hope she does. Thanks for the memories, thanks for all the help you gave me along the way. And as you said, maybe one day I'll remember you fondly. I'm not there yet, but I'm alot closer than I was yesterday.

Do you even notice me

At times I feel as though no one can see me…

I feel like I'm standing in the middle
of a crowded room shouting…
and yet no one can hear me…

I feel as though I'm crying in front of people,
and yet no one sees my tears…

I feel trapped inside this box…
no one knows where I am,
and at the same time,
no one cares to try and find me.

I feel lost, uncertain, unsure…
afraid, isolated and alone.

I can't voice the pain
I'm going through mentally and emotionally
because… when I do voice it,
no one hears.

When my friends need someone
to listen to or bounce ideas off of,
they come to me…

When they need a shoulder to cry on,
arms to hold them,
someone to give sound advice
without sugar coating the problem,
or someone to just sit with them
and hold their hand…
they come to me.

Yet when I need the same…
I am alone.
No one is there for me
in the way that I am there for others…
and that hurts.

I'm not looking for sympathy…
This blog wasn't started for that…

It was started in order for me
to be able to share my thoughts and feelings
without having to answer for my words…
and to date, I haven't had
to answer for any of my words…

Sure, they have brought up questions…
but the questions I didn't want to answer went ignored,
or more often than not…
I simply told the person I would not be answering them…
I just want to vent…

Odd as it may sound…
despite the people that surround me…
I still feel isolated and unsure…
I feel alone…

I wish people made as much time for me
as I made for them… or hell…
even 1/2 the time that I made for them will do.

I wonder… would it hit home
if I suddenly wasn't there for them
as often as they needed me?

How much of a difference would it make
if instead of giving them the time and attention
that I usually do when they are in need…
I backed away from them
and started giving them the same amount
of attention as they showed me
in my own time of need?

Quite frankly… that's all I have to say
on this subject for now…

This post isn't meant to piss anyone off…
hurt anyones feelings, or upset anyone…

It's just may own personal way
of venting without doing any of the above.

It doesn't mean I love you any less…
it just means that some of you guys and gals
need to think of people other than yourself,

because quite frankly…
I wonder if you even notice
myself or others anymore…
outside of fullfilling
your own emotional wants and needs….

Remember… the world doesn't revolve around you…
Other people have needs, wants,
desires, and problems as well…

and sometimes… they want someone
to talk to just as much as you yourself do
during your time of happiness, sorrow,
strength, pain, or any other emotion
you may be going through.

That is all…