dear god....

make me a bird so I can fly far, far away

if all you told was turned to gold, if all you dreamed was new...

You didn't ask but here is what I see. I think life gets rough because it knows we aren't yet tough enough, so we have to work harder for what we want. We need patience, so it throws us into chaotic situations we can't wait to escape because sometimes we just have to learn to live with what we aren't comfortable with. Times can't always be good because then we'll lose our appreciation and gratitude for them. Trials happen to teach us that we can't control the outcome, but we are in control of how we prepare for it. We can't grow to be strong without first becoming weak. It's not always sunshine and dandelions but just the same, the storms won't last forever.

almost lover

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

re-luc-tant

1.Unwilling; disinclined
2.Exhibiting or marked by unwillingness
3.Offering resistance; opposing.

I have a long list of things
that I need to either
1) complete or
2) implement.
The list started out small
but it is growing as we speak.
And it's not to say
that I do not know
how to do them.
I'm just putting them down on paper,
then folding them in half,
and again in half,
until it can fit snugly
in a corner of my desk.

"I don't understand why you're so reluctant.
You're like a fighter-pilot
who has got the target locked in.
Push the red button!"

It can be exasperating I know.
Even I get exasperated with myself
just thinking about it.
And subconsciously,
it is giving me a lot of grief
(translate to read: STRESS).
My sleeping pattern is again all out of whack,
migrains are flaring up,
and half the time I am walking around
with my head / mind / consciousness
being somewhere else.

It's really not a lot of things to complete
- half of them fall under category (2).
But this firecracker just doesn't seem
to wanna be lit for some strange reason.
And that is what I need to determine,
in order to be like a cow and moo-on.

"If I were the guy in Mission Control
- I would be yelling my head off at you
to fucking push the red button ALREADY.
But I'm not, so I am just going sit here
and wait for you to come
to your senses on your own.
But please - you're already locked on.
Just press it?"

I'll think about it
- that much I can promise you.

The BS of life

The best moment to fool yourself
is the moment you think
you’ve got your life all figured out.

It’s the moment you look back
and reflect at what you’ve got
going on for you at the moment
and relish in every one
of your good fortunes

You might think,
hey, I am what I am;
nobody can tell me
what to do with my life,
nobody can tell me
how to think or feel.

I know myself.

Or so you believe.

Until experience shoves
an elephant up your ass.
It doesn’t hit you that all
the bullshit you have been
feeding yourself about what
you personally think you believe
about your life and everything else in general,
is also being sucked and chewed
and digested by this strange,
new monstrosity you think you reign.
All you care about is that
you’re giving all that shit away.
The shit you believe
you earned the rights to give,
because it is your shit.

Just because you think the elephant
is sitting beneath your ass,
with you on the head,
as if you’re king. Or queen.

And when you see how the elephant
stops swallowing your BS
and chews and spits it out in return,
you feel the splatter in your face.

You then start blaming the elephant
for not knowing what is good for itself.
Just because it doesn’t
want to buy your shit, anymore.
It doesn’t seem to matter to you
how the elephant is still there,
right beneath your ass.
The elephant stays,
but all you care about
is how it wouldn’t eat your shit anymore.

Perhaps, the only time you realize
how your shit is not even that good to swallow,
that it took years and years
of shoving down the elephant’s throat
for it to get used to eating your shit,
that now it gobbles up your shit voluntarily,
is when you feel the elephant’s head moving, for once.

It finally decides to move on.
It is ready to let you take your fall,
so that you will learn how to get up; on your own.

You and the pile of shit you made.

This may be the only time you realize
how after years of churning out this BS,
you’ve never actually tasted
and chewed and swallowed it for yourself before.

And when you finally do try
to bite your own bullet,
you will be amazed with the amount
of BS the elephant tolerated
from you all this while.

I <3 U

Love.

It's not all rainbows and fairy tales.

Sometimes... It hurts.
And it's scary. And it's tough.

It's one of the toughest things around.

Love...

Love is feeling someone bristle at your concern.

Love
is holding someone while they fight you,
because they need to
be held even if they don't want it.
And you just need to hold
them.

It's spilling your guts,
knowing without question
that what you're saying will hurt.

It's knowing that,
though there is pain,
no one is leaving.

It's staying, even while you cry.

Sometimes
love means you fight.
Not because you hate each other,

or want to do harm,
but because you are open to
every part of each other.

Even the parts that fit like two left shoes.

Or maybe you're just madat the world that day.

Sometimes
you go to bed angry.
Sometimes you stay up all
night,
because as soon as you manage to
make up, and
make amends,
something else goes wrong.

Just remember that it's love
.Remember that it hurts,
and it's worth every second.

Remember that happiness
isn't smiling all the time.

Love is...
Taking care of yourself. First.

Because if you expect someone else
to do it for you, you're not going to get it.

Because its fun to be suprised
when you don't have to do it.

Because you aren't much good to anyone
when you're falling apart at the seams.

Because
you want to be the best,
brightest star shining in their eye.

(Or at least one of the few brightest.)

Trusting
each other. Reaching out first.
Taking that agonizing step
out of
the safety of your own mind,
and into a
world of together.

Learning to speak each other's language,
instead of expressing your heart your own way.

Understanding when they are expressing their heart,
even when it's not the way you want to hear it.

I wish I could better explain
what it is that I'm feeling at this moment.

I've Fallen

" Like the autumn leaves of November, I've fallen.
Biting winds sweep away all that makes me,
leaving behind an empty skeletal frame of what was once mighty.
Now just a bare tree with all that made it beautiful gone.
I watch the leaves blow away the pieces of me.

I'm lost,
Like a child who's lost his mother.
Scared, confused, upset and nervous.
Seeking the warm hand of the familiar
reaching though It cannot be grasped.
wanting nothing more than to be in a loving embrace again.

I'm broken,
Like a scratched record.
My mind repeats only what is damaged.
Playing over and over again its flaws.
The once breathtaking music to be replaced by a new record.
No hope of repair, the damage has been done, tossed in the trash.

I'm alone,
Like the last remaining person on earth.
All that he loved gone.
Wandering aimlessly in search of something that doesn't exist.
Only his will keeps him going.
Solitude leads to his madness.
No matter how hard he searches, he will never find what he's looking for.

I'm empty,
Like a man who has sold his soul.
Buying into what he feels is important
Losing what made him a man in the first place.
In doing so paying the ultimate price.
A hollow shell that can be crushed with ease.

I'm worthless. I'm hopeless, I'm thoughtless, I'm heartless
I'm mindless, I'm brainless, I'm heinous,
I'm hurt, I'm afraid, I'm sad, I'm maimed
I'm tired, I'm pained, I'm embarrassed, I'm ashamed.
And through all of this, one thing remains the same.
I will always love you.. for the rest of my days."

I miss you

"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul.
And sings the tune
Without the words,
and never stops at all."
- Emily Dickinson

Sometimes these moments pass by quietly,
with little fanfare or production.
I'll tap my lip or stroke my beard absently,
not sure what thought sparingly eludes my grasp;
a small mark on my retina,
evading my direct gaze,
or a twenty dollar bill
along the breeze
of an urban boulevard.
Almost as if my thought
was interrupted by an unexpected occurrence,
I search for what, exactly,
I could be thinking about... no luck.
I am in a dark room, and I cannot find the switch.

Sometimes, though...
sometimes the moments
refuse any but the most
concentrated introspection.
Each moment is dragged by,
kicking and screaming,
demanding it be heard.
My heart travels throughout my body,
visiting each part with
the specific goal of discomfort.
Even my fingers twitch with restlessness,
and there is no relief.
No recourse available,
the moments refuse to advance.
There is no negotiation.
No way to procrastinate;
no way to bargain away what I will feel.
I will feel it now,
and I will feel it for as long as it takes.

I miss you.

~ I think of each adventure we'd embark upon.
How every time we would hit the town,
a new story would be born,
keeping friends and acquaintances spellbound
for as long as we chose to recount.
Though I'm sure our spectacular run of safety
in these outlandish experiences was due to end
- and believe me, there could have been some disaster
- it seemed that it never would.
Our young friendship endured an epic struggle
(I considered punching you in the face that night,
but when you asked if I would use
an open hand so as not to break your jaw or kill you,
my resolve withered)
and we became even closer.
Then you just up and went away...
you disappeared without a trace,
though I thought I'd hear from you again.
I'm still surprised that I haven't, almost three years later.
In these silent moments,
surrounded by absence,
I miss you, buddy. Yuppers.

~ I have made peace with the fact
that I will never make peace with this, or you.
Though I've not quite convinced myself
that I am completely faultless,
I know that we are where we are
because of your actions, not mine.
I loved you. I hated you.
I, along with everyone else,
was scared to death of you.
Not in a good way.
Not in an endearing or positive way,
or in a way that commands respect,
but in a way that makes people
able to walk away from you... forever.
Looking back only to wonder
just how this is possible,
or how that was possible.
There are moments that pass
like teeth grinding,
where each of my decisions
are justified and second-guessed
as one becomes another.
I miss you, Dad,
and it's not even my fault.

~ I'm not sure how this can be so,
but I am simply captivated
by everything I don't know about you.
Would we have fun in a department store,
or a library, or a gallery?
How would your body fit to mine,
in the early hours of the morning,
before sunlight beckons?
Without ever having woken beside you,
I can look beside me even now
and picture your face, either smiling or preparing to.
I think about how difficult it would be
to leave you for the day, each of us with
our own careers and obligations,
and then I think about how
I'll never know that longing.
I miss you, and I'll never even know how much.

But I do miss you.

Words of the day

Limbo

Not hanging to the left, nor to the right.
Suspended in some kind of time and space warp.
Not sure what to do.
Not sure if to do anything at all.
Comes from assuming too many things,
and clarifying nothing at all.

Inadequate

Unqualified, ill-equipped to be able to accomplish
certain tasks, goals, objectives.
Unfamiliar territory, unmarked grounds.
Wanting to give up, yet not willing to admit defeat.
Challenged and trying to figure out how to get past it.

Frustration

Coming up to a brick wall
that seem to run for miles,
with no end in sight.
Wanting, needing,
craving to move forward,
yet stuck not by owner's choice.

Maybe it's cos I'm feeling
under the weather
and fighting really hard
to stay on top of things,
on top of life.
Trying very hard not to say out loud
"I'm tired of all this."
Trying very hard not to allow
one stupid mistake to follow another.

Anyhow, these are my words for today...
What are your words for today?

Dear Loyal Readers... If I still have any.

I know. I know! I had just come back from yet another impromptu and unexplained absence, only to once again post secrets, from post secret and retreat once again into my self-induced seclusion and creative void. I have not created. I have not explored. I have done little else but live the life I have while constantly yearning for a better one.

I'll post more soon I promise.