drawn towards the edge, do i assume i could fly?

It feels like...


...being on the edge of a cliff and holding your breath until the second before you pass out, then diving down, knowing that no one will be there to catch you.

...a million shoulders to cry on and you're trying to pick the best one for each situation, but, hesitating because you don't want to further taint your image to anyone.

...wanting closeness with everyone, but, being so scared that one by one you push them all away and justify to yourself that you're better off alone.

...everyone would understand if you just gave them the chance, but, by being so caught up in what you're feeling, it claims all of your energy to shut them out instead.

...you want to let it go and at times you do, but, on days like today, you're reminded of how easily you could slip back into the unknown and it is only your fear that's keeping you detached.

...wanting to be happy and knowing you're happy, but, still feeling like something you can't quite put your finger on, continually holds you back.

...each moment you're continually losing a battle you cannot win.

Dear Someone

I am an optimist. I am a fool. I am not sure. Because I'm your best friend, because I love you, if what you want is to be with her then I will do everything in my power to support you and help you make your relationship work. But because I'm your best friend, because I love you, I also have to say... that I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I can't promise a future, I can't promise perfection, because we're us, I'm me and you're you. no one knows what will happen. But in my heart, I am sure. I'm in love with you. And I hope you're in love with me too.

Spirit Crushers

Don't tell me where your going.
Don't tell me what your doing.
And MOST importantly:
Don't tell me how much fun your having.

I'm rather tired of hearing your stories and hearing your plans. I want to be there myself. I want to experience it myself. Not off of your left overs, and memories. I hate hearing about what your planning on doing, and how much fun your going to have when I'm going to sit alone and do nothing. yes, once in a while, tell me. I'll make sure to listen. Invite me, it'd be fun, but please. I beg you, please, don't tell me and leave me alone to sit and imagine about how much fun your going to be having.

No. this is not for one certain person. it is not aimed towards one more than others. It's to everyone that I know. everyone that tells me about they're plans, and they're fun. everyone that leaves me guessing about what I can do to be having as much fun as you.

I just can't take knowing that I'm the only one not having fun.
please, at least let me pretend to be blind to it.

Sorry

~ adjective ~ Feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc

I was commenting.. or lamenting this evening, how some of my closest friend and I can walk right smack into an argument, even when we see it coming. We’ll each know and actually state it out loud that the line of conversation should switch before we end up arguing. Yet it still happens.

And the increasing frequency of it scares the living daylights out of me.

Much can be placed down to me being fast-finger-Freddy, but then again we have never really been able to determine the definition and expectations of our friendship. And more often than naught, that becomes a pain in the arse.

It hurts each time we have a fight. And being the darlings that they are, they often back down and apologise.

And tonight, I ponder… how many more ‘sorry’s are they gonna say before it becomes just another word in the day-to-day conversational vocab with me?

I'm sorry.
Why should I say I'm sorry?
If I hurt you,
You know you've hurt me too.

"Say What You Need To Say" by John Mayer

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations

Say what you need to say [x8]

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only ...

Say what you need to say [x8]

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say [x24]

Seeing Light

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit,
and that's what everyone wants.
But a true soul mate is a mirror,
the person who shows you
everything that's holding you back,
the person who brings you
to your own attention so
you can change your life.

I have just re-read Elizabeth Gilbert's last book - Eat, Pray, Love: One woman's search for everything.

A true soulmate is probably
the most important person you'll ever meet,
because they tear down your walls
and smack you awake.
But to live with a soulmate forever?
Nah. Too painful.

I'm not too sure why I picked up this book in the first place, but it was not a random buy. There was something about the write-ups and reviews that told me, if there was one book that I was to read and learn something from, it would be this book. And it was right.

Soulmates,
they come into your life
just to reveal another layer of yourself
to you,
and then they leave.

Cos I have been stuck in a rut for the longest time and exhausting all possible means to get out of it. I seriously think I was at the point of resigning myself to the one useless fact that I was not going to be able to get over it, and hence, there was no point in fighting it. Which would have just been so wrong as it would see me as you have been - on one massive roller-coaster ride.

Your problem is -
you just can't let this one go.
It's over.

I have even been thinking to myself that hey - maybe there's some basis to all this. I mean, a rut is like 2 weeks, a month. But when it stretches as long as the calendar change? And I have been fighting down all the flaws that I now recognise, wanting to keep an all perfect image of the imaginary.

His purpose was to shake you up,
tear apart your ego a little bit,
show you your obstacles and your addiction,
break your heart open so new light could get in,
make you so desperate and out of control that
you HAD to transform your life,
then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it.
That was his job, and he did great,
but now it's over.

Somebody asked me the other day - was I content? And I found myself replying by asking back, What was contentment? If it meant, do I have all the things that I wanted and is okay with not having the things I don't - then the answer would be NO. I came home and thought about it, have been thinking about it. And you know what? I am content, save for one. It's tiring, to be like a cat, chasing after their own tail. And I am dog-tired. So bone-weary that somedays, it weighs me down like a ton of bricks.

You're afraid to let go of

the last bits of him because then

you'll really be alone,

and you are scared to death

of what will happen when

you're really alone.

Reading this book again, if not for anything else, has opened my eyes and my mind to this - that I do not have to be dog-tired. That it is of my own choosing. That my present is in my own hands for me to change so that the tomorrow can be another care-free day.

But here's what you've gotta understand -
if you clear out all that space in your mind
that you're using right now to obsess about this guy,
you'll have a vacuum there,
an open spot - a doorway.

In truth, maybe a part of me thinks that for me to be happy, I needed that one spark that re-ignited the flame of happiness to always be there. Like your trusty lighter that you must keep on you at all times. But that's not it is it?

And guess what the universe will do with that doorway?
It will rush in and fill you with
more love than you ever dreamed.

True that maybe this one person knows me on a level that most other people don't. But it would also be the truth that maybe this one person knows me as such, only because I allowed him and no one else to see those sides of me.

So stop using him to block that door.
Let. It. Go.

Yeah - it's time. He could have been one of my best friends and shown me the different sides of the same story. But that's over now and it's time to move on.

I Spoke With God.

"At any rate, I am convinced that He does not play dice."
- Albert Einstein

I spoke with God today, and He told me that you were wrong. We looked at the world, and the universe, and time, and I learned some things.

I learned that "the world" is closer to nothing than something, yet still everything. We saw the birth of humanity and its destruction, and the joy I experienced in watching its conception was eclipsed only by its demise. We saw, together, that mankind's biggest successes and failures lay only in the most trivial of matters, and we shared a laugh at every stress, pain, relief, and joy in the world. Then I cried with happiness that you can never experience.

I learned that "the universe" was even less significant than the world, and was given a glimpse of the expanse of universe after universe, each with physical and perceived properties that neither you nor I can ever understand. I was shown only ours, and I was grateful. We laughed at gravity, and physics, water and carbon. He showed me helium and we laughed at that too, albeit in a higher pitch. That made us laugh even harder. Then I cried for what is, what was, what will be and what will not be. But I was happy.

I learned that "time" is not a concept but the ultimate anti-concept, existing and failing to exist only in itself, with no gauges, measurements, or perceptions. I was shown that time mimics itself, everything, and nothing, and we laughed. He told me that time was "an illusion, lunchtime doubly so," and we laughed at that too. I then cried for every care I've ever had about an idea that exists only in the minds of the insane, but I was happy because at least we are all insane.

I thanked him for the ultimate benevolence, and told him I would see him at lunchtime. I think He is still laughing, and I think we should all follow suit.

beautiful place

Mother can we start over?
I wanna be the boy I was back then
Before the world came, made me colder
I wanna feel the way I did back then
With love in my heart.

We live in a beautiful place
Let love take away all this pain
We live in a beautiful place, ah oh
We wasted so many days
Our hearts are as dark as the rain
We live in a beautiful place, ah oh

Father, can we start over?
Take me to the places that we lived
Before the days came, made us older
I wanna feel the way I did back then
Before my heart grew cold.

We live in a beautiful place
Let love take away all this pain
We live in a beautiful place, ah oh
We wasted so many days
Our hearts are as dark as the rain
We live in a beautiful place, ah oh, ah oh

Our hearts are as dark as the rain, ah oh
Our hearts are as dark as the rain, ah oh
It's a beautiful place if we make it
It's a beautiful place to be wasted, don’t you know?

We live in a beautiful place,
Let love take away all this pain,
We live in a beautiful place, ah oh
We live in a beautiful place,
Let love take away all this pain,
We live in a beautiful place, ah oh, ah oh
We wasted so many days
Our hearts are as dark as the rain
We live in a beautiful place, ah oh, ah oh

Memories

Memories
Like the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were

Scattered pictures,
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were

Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we? Could we?

Memories,
May be beautiful and yet
What’s too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget

So it's the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember...
The way we were...

Somehow I know

Those Nights have come and gone
I want you to know
you were always the one
You meant everything to me
You were the reason I wanted to live
The reason I kept on breathing
I never would have left you
But you chose to walk away
Now i am in this lost phase
I play the same sad song
Hoping for things to change
Hoping you would walk back into my life
But you never do
Somehow I know
We are through