Rude Much?

I had a coffee and maybe dinner thing set up with a guy I'm talking to. It was fairly loose, you know, we decided to meet at the cafe between 5:30 and 6:00. No big deal. I was going to try to be there at 5:30 so he didn't have to wait around for me, but I didn't make it until about a quarter to. I didn't see him when I got there, so I grabbed a coffee and sat down to wait.

About five minutes to six, I get a text. He won't be in town until 7:30ish. He's still at his house. He didn't notice the time.

Excuse the hell out of me, but... What?!

Look, I could understand being fifteen or even thirty minutes late. I wouldn't be happy about it, but it happens. I've done it. In fact I pretty much would have expected it from him, despite having no history to base it on. I probably would have giggled and teased him about it when he got there.

An hour and a half, though? When there is no emergency, no traffic, no anything at all? He is going to be an hour and a half late because he was at his house, and didn't look at the clock?

Damn, that makes me feel important. I'm sure as hell glad that I asked him to come here, rather than driving down to visit him. An hour and a half late while I'm in a strange town would piss me right the hell off.

...Not that I'm happy about it now, of course.

Sentence -- never to be spoken.

"Listen, regardless of what
you think about me
or where you fit into his life,
you're going to need
to understand and accept the fact
that he and I are best friends
and that we are always
going to be best friends."

It would be easier

It would be so much easier
if I knew I could walk
the halls of my life
without memories taped
like a kick-me sign
to my consciousness.

It would be so much easier
to say goodbye were it not
for the memory of hello.

I want to be able to live
as though I never loved you at all.
And part of me doesn't think I can.

why on earth. . .

. . . do we tell everyone we're doing fine when we are clearly not fine?

My opinion: misery does not love company. Misery has company over all the time. Imagine seeing the same person day in and day out, with not a moment's peace. Not even in the bathroom. No one likes that much attention. But Misery's got it.

People almost enjoy being sad. If you see a happy person, you probably think they're a twit. Optimistic fool! Everyone knows life sucks! That's why we say we're fine: because everyone expects us to be fine. We've all got problems, why put the spotlight on yours like they're something special?

But does life suck, really? Or do we just make ourselves believe it sucks because our own little lives can feel like they've been flushed down the toilet? I think that maybe, maybe we really are fine. Maybe a lot of us make ourselves feel like we shouldn't be happy because that's just not cool these days.

Or maybe we've got the definition of happiness blown out of proportion. Maybe we think happiness is something that's constant. But happiness isn't everlasting, it comes and goes. As for misery, we can make ourselves depressed anytime for any reason. And it almost is constant, because we let it stick around. It's an old friend. Happiness is a mysterious stranger that comes over once in a while, has its way with you and takes off in the morning.

(I really don't know where I was going with that or if I even mean it.)

I had wrote and was about to post an entry about my "breakup" (that happened yesterday evening).

And then, Voila. Blogger had an accident, and all 3425 words gone.

If I can stab technology over the Internet, I’d do it with a knife 24 times on 24 different occasions in accordance with my bipolar schizophrenic mood swings just to be in time to blow all 24 candles on my expected upcoming birthday dark chocolate/mocha ice-cream layer cake (gigantic hint in your face like duh~).

if it takes my whole life, i won't break, I won't bend

In less that 20 days another full year of life will have come and gone. It's truly unbelievable. Sure, there were many times when it felt like the clock kept rewinding and repeating, but all in all, looking back, I feel like I've literally been thrust through this past year at an alarming rate. It's amazing how nothing and everything has happened in the past 12 months. At times, I felt like my entire world was shifting beneath my feet, and I was completely powerless to stop it. Other times, it seemed like very little happened over the course of the year, at least on a major scale. I've made friends, and have a great new best friend. Developed romantic crushes (yes, more than one), and learned some hard lessons. As I sit here and write down my thoughts, I can honestly say I am still the same old guy I've been fired through an entirely different world of dynamic and complicated situations, but I suppose I'm not really all that different. Perhaps a bit taller, perhaps a bit wiser, but some things never change. As I have learned this past year of life, some things I will never get right, some things I might have to continually refine for the rest of my existence, and some things I may have already mastered. Regardless, it has been one wild year.

So, where do I stand now?

I've stargazed with potential love interests, dressed up in drag for Halloween, enjoyed countless movies alongside good friends, shared many laughs over some good drinks, played many games of scrabble with two of my best friends, sung a few fun songs, had some great coffee, been overtaken by many a sunset, went to dennys at ungodly hours, journeyed through mysterious graveyards, gone for exhausting hikes, written many blog posts, prepared snacks, been enlightened, been angry, been depressed, tried to help out some friends, been heartbroken, acted like a complete goof, and caught a few tears (and a few kisses). Right now, I feel like welcoming the coming year of my life with open arms, because believe me, this has also probably been the hardest year of my life thus far. I've learned so many things only to be baffled by a hundred more.

I'm ready for another start. This entire year has been about getting my feet off the ground.
Well, I've finally done just that, and now it's time to keep going. Sometimes it's sad to think that the only way to become who you really are requires a significant amount of time to first get a little direction. You think, "If only I could have started sooner, this year may not have been all about the journey to get to a better place." But in any case, I suppose the journey itself is the most important part, not the destination. I realize now that having put myself through the trials and tribulations of this past year, I feel prepared for anything. Let my love come when it comes.
Let my greatest inspirations as a writer hit me when they hit me. Though there will always be frustrations and painful moments we'd just as soon forget, I find comfort in the fact that this isn't the end of it all. Whatever missed opportunities flew past us this time around will come back again at full speed very soon. Nothing's lost forever. Things change, of course, but every moment, every thought, every emotion is too real to forget. Once it's here, it stays. The spirit of our former selves is always within us, no matter how willing we might be to crush it. There is always love, there is always pain, and there will always be experiences. I can't refuse to live, because as far as I'm concerned, that's just impossible. Whatever we do, we're making a memory, and I for one consider myself very lucky to make them alongside some truly fantastic people.

So, I have very few regrets (yes, there are inevitably some). There were most definitely signals I didn't pick up on, conversations that could have been steered differently, relationships that could have been explored instead of neglected, and life-changing choices that could have been made.
However, in spite of all of that, I can be assured only a more exciting future.

"What will come will come, and you'll just have to meet it when it does."
-J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Self Righteous?

So I got an email today from someone who came and visited my page, telling me that I am self righteous.

---

self-righ·teous (-'rI-ch&s, adj.)¹

convinced of one's own righteousness especially in contrast with the actions and beliefs of others : narrow-mindedly moralistic

nar·row-mind·ed ("nar-O-'mIn-d&d, "nar-&-, adj.)

lacking in tolerance or breadth of vision : petty

from Merriam-Webster

---

I suppose maybe this describes me, in the very broadest sense of the word. I do believe that my personal morals are the best available. Then again, if I didn't think that, they wouldn't be my morals. So I guess if you want to think of it that way, everyone is self-righteous.

But I don't think the definition is supposed to be quite that broad. I don't see myself as being accurately described as narrow-minded in any aspect of my personality, for one thing. Everything I do and everything I believe is a result of careful thought and a lot of option-weighing. And I'll admit readily that what's right for me isn't right for everyone. My personal moral code doesn't work for anyone who isn't me. And that's a lot of people. Let's see, subtract one from the total population of the universe...

People who believe in something (like "homosexuality is wrong") without any real thought put into it ("because the Bible says so" does not constitute thought) can be described as self-righteous, especially if they try to force-feed their opinion to the rest of the population. But I don't do that and I never have. In fact high on my list of morals is to not shove my morals down others' throats. I may write them down somewhere (hmmm, like this web page?), but I won't be going up to someone on the street and start telling them how to run their life. Just writing them down lets you choose to read them if you want or ignore the whole page and go somewhere you find more interesting.

Got a problem with that?