Wildcard

so today I did something I probably shouldn't have done... I spent money on a new phone. However I'm very excited about it. It's the kind of phone I've wanted for awhile now, and though it's prepaid... they offer monthly plans, and will actually in the long run be cheaper than my cricket phone was. So it's all good. If anyone doesn't have my new number yet, check out my my space, or leave a comment and I'll email it to you.

Thanks

I believe that all crying does is give you
a red nose, swollen eyes and a headache.
So I don’t often cry with abandon.
I look like a crumpled ape if I do – hardly endearing.

So, I have been not crying for six weeks.
Actively not crying in between
the little leaking sessions
I have been unable to avoid.
Seems the tears were building anyway.
Cos last night I cried!
I sobbed and schnuffed
and gasped and breathed
like a pig through my blocked nose.
And all over the phone to Jon
who just kept asking if I was okay
and then telling me I was silly for thinking
I meant nothing and was pointless.
But he let me cry and not for a moment
did I feel like it mattered.

And today I feel so much better.
For the first time in ages
I can’t feel tears lurking below the surface
waiting for any excuse to pop out
and turn my face red.
Seems I needed a jolly good cry after all.
And I think it worked only cos
he doesn’t have to love me and accept me
the way my long term friends
who are actually family do.
But he did anyway.

Thanks Jon

Gang Of Emotions

Why do irritable, emotional and insecure
always hang out together?
As if any one of them is not bad enough to feel.

There seems to be a conspiracy of emotions –
I can see the little buggers making a truce
about never appearing out in public alone.
They truly understand the idea that
combined they are greater than the sum of their parts.
Little bastards.

And they seem to wait and lurk until
I don’t have the emotional resources
to deal with them individually,
never mind as a pack.
I’m tired. I’m in pain.
I’m trying hard not to have
a random person matter.
I’m disillusioned by a friend.
Clearly I am strong enough right now
to be tripled whammied by
irritable, emotional and insecure.
Thanks guys!!!!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!

A someone, or anyone

I’m not someone to him – I’m just one of some.

And tonight it was so obvious
not even I can paper over the evidence.

I’m not no one to him – I’m just not someone

And he is so someone to me

And that’s sad but survivable

Now I just have to treat him
like anyone rather than someone
until he becomes just that – anyone

Cos anyone who doesn’t think I’m someone
doesn’t deserve to be more than anyone in my life

apparently i do matter

After writing the ‘I don’t matter’ blog a little while ago, it seems as though the universe conspired to make me realise that I do in fact matter.

I have just finished reading an email I got from E.
I know, all that it could possibly be
is a hotbed of pain for me. But I just had to read it.

Faced with the same choices in my life all over again,
I shudder at the thought that I would
gladly make them all over again.
Except for one. The one to end things.

But it is moot. It is startlingly painful to learn
that I have been nothing, in reality.
That these past few months I shared with E
were nothing more than just a cover up
for how he really felt for someone else.
And for the third time in my life,
I have been played for a fool. It's amazing really.
That I could so willingly give myself over to someone
whom I thought had sincere feelings and intentions for me.
And I'd do it again, which is even scarier.

Simply because I believe in giving Love a chance.
No matter how slim or remote that chance seems to be.
It saddens me to think that there are
not many others who feel the same way.
Or would readily admit to being such idealists.
I feel no shame in bearing my true colours in that respect.
After all "Just me is all I am"

But to have such a chance for happiness
been twisted into nothing more than
a cover up for what was really going on?
To have all of the sincerity and pain,
the sacrifices and genuine concern,
all reduced to nothing more than
mere psychological ploys to live out a lie?

To say that I am hurt is an understatement.
I have been so completely misled.
So completely fooled and tricked into thinking I mattered.
It would explain all the hesitation.
The reluctance to meet up.
The obvious 'distance' that communicated itself
through every touch that we shared, be it intimate or public.
It would explain all the break up attempts,
and all the attempts at stealing the limelight, and grandstanding.

I was no Prince. I was no unrivalled Love. I was no Sunshine.
Nor was I a Mind Reader, or a Teacher, or Soulmate.
I was, and still am, Nothing.
I was Nothing when I first talked to him
on the 30th of November, 2006.
I was Nothing when we supposedly got Together on the 1st of April.
And throughout all those attempts at breakups and splits,
till the day I finally caved and collapsed in on myself...

I was Nothing. Because there was always someone else.

Congratulations, E. You've won.
You have your final, complete and total victory over me.

I have lost. Yet part of me will still love you,
and forgive you for all of this.
That's what Love, is, E.
Unconditional, Unbridled, Unbidden Love.
And you never had it better than from me.
And never will.

Spinning Out Of Control

I would like to say
I found my 'voice' last night
and unleashed the devil within.
But I'm not proud. In fact,
I still feel like I'm only 2 inches' tall.

So.Not.Good.

I'm like a freakin tornado,
spining out of control,
growing more powerful
with every touch-down.
I should lock myself up
at times like these,
shut everything off
and just disappear.

I know at least one person
who would be grateful
if I did just that today.
Alas, turn back time, we can't.

One can only hope that
this too, shall pass.. SOON!
Before more innocents lose their lives!