Monday, May 29, 2006

Missing

Missing, I believe is an appropriate name
for this blog because it can be read as two ways.

1. The act of missing
2. People you are missing

There are some people in life that you would never like to lose,
but disappear regardless of your feelings. This blog is to them.

It is a fact of life that some people you would rather
never be parted with inevitably leave, not necessarily by death.

THE FORGOTTEN:

Sometimes people that you care about more than anything
simply forget about you, or worse you forget about them.
Only years down the road do you ever realize what they meant to you,
and that you can never have them back. (unless you are lucky)

THE DESEASED

This is probably the most common of the "Missing" categories.
Death is an inevitable part of life, though most people refuse to admit it.
The passing of someone that you truly care about is never easy,
but in some ways is probably the most bearable of the missing cases.
I say this because at least you know that if they were alive
you could be with them, on the otherhand it can be the most painful
if you do not believe that there is life after death because
they cease to be, and will never ever be with you again.

THE TRAVELERS

This, as far as I'm concerned, can be the most painful of disappearances.
The disappearances that don't want to be found, or at least by you anyways.
I say that is the most painful because usually you are to be at fault
that the person no longer wishes to be near you, and you can think
about that as long as you wish and pray that it was different,
or that they will come back. The truth of the matter is,
that doesn't necessarily, and probably in a lot of cases, doesnt happen.

So what choice do we have other than to miss?
In the case of nearly departed we must live on
because nothing we can do can bring them back...
but what about the cases of the forgotten and the travellers?
What would be the appropriate answers?
The thing is as much as we miss people,
it doesn't necessarily mean the person we are missing shares our feelings.
Nowadays feelings never seem to be shared in equal amounts,
someone is always way over, and the other far short.
So how do you know if it is right to make the leap?
Try to reach the missing... and in the case of
the travellers will it bring them more anguish?

In the case of the travellers it is entirely possible
they miss you as much as you miss them
and are afraid to act because they feel dumb
about packing up and leaving without further notice.
But if you are willing to take the risk, do you really miss them?
Because you are acting in order to deminish your own feelings,
but what if you are bringing chaos upon their newly constructed lives?
So is it selfish? Suppose that depends on whether
they miss you in return, but how do you know?
Back to square one again.

The past is the past, but should we try to make
amends with it or accept it as it is? Is it alright
to possibly disrupt the future in order to make
amends with the past? Or perhaps fix the past to create a new future?

The scale is balanced but how does everything weigh in?
And what was everything worth to begin with?

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Missing someone isn't about how long
it has been since you have seen them
or the amount of time since you've talked.
It's about that very moment when
you're doing something and you wish
that they were right there with you.

So I talked to Helen when I got home, and I must say that what she said, shocked me. She is thinking about joining the military. I asked her if she thought it through all the way, and she said yes... and I asked her what about Justice (her son), and she said that her dad would take care of him, and then I told her that I supported her, and if she did join, I would have more respect for her, than I have for anyone else in my life. I totally respect people who go out, and fight for the freedom, that I enjoy so much. If I wasn't such a chicken shit, I would go join also... but I don't like the thought of war, and I don't support the war our contry is in now, but I support her decision to join, and I support everyone who is over there fighting for our freedom. So I guess if she does join, and gets sent out, it will be at least 2 more years before her and I are back together. I am ok with that.... at least right now that's what I'm telling myself... I just hope she dosn't meet someone else, and fall in love while she is gone... and I hope the same thing for myself.

Goodbye My Lover, By James Blunt

Did I disappoint you
or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty
or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end
before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded
and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine
by eternal right.
Took your soul
out into the night.
It may be over
but it won't stop there,
I am here for you
if you'd only care.
You touched my heart
you touched my soul.
You changed my life
and all my goals.
And love is blind
and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips
and held your head.
Shared your dreams
and shared your bed.
I know you well
I know your smell

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer
but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit -
it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on,
remember me,
Remember us
and all we used to be
I've seen you cry,
I've seen you smile.
I've watched you
sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears
and you know mine.
We've had our doubts
but now we're fine,
And I love you,
I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold
your hand in mine...
...In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear
my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling
at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby,
I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so,
I'm so hollow.





Something I found in an old notebook of mine

If the emptiness could be washed away
the way the waves clear the shore;
If the sadness could disappear
the way the waters rise up to the sky;
If the pain could be turned into its opposite twin
the way I could turn a coin around;
If the love I feel for you could leave my heart
in the only way my soul departs from my body;
maybe things would not be so difficult for me...

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Remotely Retarded

Whenever I watched my TV, I had to sit close next to it and take up all the radiation it emits in order for me to switch channels when I want to. It’s a handed down TV and its remote was barely working when I got it till it finally died. The back cover of the battery compartment had been broken and the batteries had to be taped to it to keep them from falling off, and for added fun, you have to slap the remote against your palm to get it to work. After a few weeks, the slapping no longer worked and the remote just stopped operating. The former owner of the TV said the remote had been cranky for sometime already so I never bothered with it anymore thinking it had finally given way. I just contented myself with a remoteless TV until recently…. A friend sent me a bunch of rechargeable batteries along with a re-charger (ok, this is not just an abrupt shift of story but this part is important). A few packs of double As (AA) and a set of triple As (AAA). Now, the AAs are for the cd player but the triples, I’d have to find a use for them. So, looking around for anything to stuff with the smaller batteries, I happened to chance upon the old dusty remote and didn’t waste time. Wasn’t sure they would fit but they did. I secured the battery compartment with a piece of cardboard and a rubber band. I clicked and it happened! After almost two years of manually laboring the TV channels, of suffering and utter ignorance, I came to know. There was nothing wrong with the remote it just needed new batteries.

When The Cat is Away, The Mouse Will Play...Not!

I think my cat has finally caught the mouse that's stealing my crackers. And she made it pay for it. At first I thought Zipper was just playing by herself, hopping about in the living room until I saw this tiny black thing she tossed between her claws. Like a sadistic act of vengeance, she tortured it first. She'd let the poor thing run like it could escape but we all know (and even the mouse itself) that it would never happen; and when it seems like the rat may have gotten away, Zipper hops to intercept it again, BOO! This vicious game lasted about half an hour till the poor mouse was just too weak from the beating. And then she ate it. Ah, the final victory! I felt bad for the vermin but stealing my crackers? That's unforgivable. Now my cat waits beside cabinets, under tables, any possible place a mouse might be hiding and pathways it might possibly run through. My kitty is now a full-pledged feline hunter. She's honed her skills and learned the game of 'Cat and Mouse' and she knows she will always win.
So there are certain people in my life, who think I should move on... and give up on me and Helen. They think that it would be better for me to start dating other people, and stop waiting for her to come back to me. And ya know, they may be right. Cause then at least I would not be alone. I would have someone to go out and do stuff with. And I agree with them, being lonely sucks, and it sucks that I have no one to go out with... I get it, really I do... but still I have to say that yes, my belief is that being with someone who makes you feel shitty, or dosn't honor the person you are is far much worse, then being alone. Helen makes me feel good about myself, and she loves the person that I am, and honors certain beliefs that I have, even though she dosn't have the same beliefs, she is ok with the fact that I do. And I know that one day, her and I will be together again, so why should I start dating other people?