I'm Happy

i've just come from back from taking Nate home.
And i'm going to say something
that i haven't said in a really (REALLY) long time.

i'm happy.

i think it's because i've come to terms
with everything that's happened to me.
i've stopped blaming circumstance and coincidence
and i've finally faced the fact that
whatever i've gone through,
it was because of the choices i made.
and i think it was that realization
that made things click.

i've learned that ---

1. although i don't always get what i want,
what i have can be enough.
2. looking and not touching can be a good thing.
3. wanting something more is a good thing
--- if done realistically.
4. when god closes a door and shuts the window,
there's always the doggie door! Wink
5. i am NOT super Chris
and no one expects me to be super Chris.
6. i am loved (and now i REALLY know this,
and the knowledge isn't just superficial now.).
7. nothing is ever perfect
-- but it's in the appreciation of imperfections
that one finds the magic in life.

Pocket Full Of Change

a man i know died on monday;
i heard the news today.
initially, it doesnt seem real,
people don't drop out of your life just like that.

but they DO.
sometimes its death,
sometimes its breaking up,
sometimes its a misunderstanding
or a gradual growing apart.
and people leave
and your life will never be exactly the same,
no matter how small a role they played.
its easier to push this emotion back down,
to stifle any tears or nostalgia.
dont think about change,
just ignore it,
there's nothing you can do to prevent change.
tell yourself he's still alive
while you go about your life,
pretend you still speak to your best friend
from two years ago,
don't aknowledge the fact that you changed jobs
and everyone that promised to stay in touch doesnt.

i'd like to think im mature enough
to handle the cycles of life.
even the happy changes are hard to accept.
even friends getting married,
or having a kid,
it changes my little world
and sets it just off-balance
from what i was used to for so long.
and i'm forced to re-learn the path,
adjust the way i look at the world.
when have i ever been completely satisfied with that view?
no matter where you stand, there will be an obstacle
- a powerline or tree or the shadow that just won't fade.
take what you can get, snap the picture anyway.
there is beauty in the inperfection,
there is meaning in the change.

Sometimes I think that God is testing us.
Sometimes I think that God is challenging us.
Every so often I feel that God is mad at us.
And then once in a while I think that God is laughing at us.

It's amazing how rarely I think that God loves us.

significant insignificants

sometimes we all need a lot of reassurance.
there are days when reassurance comes in the simplest forms.
sometimes the inane words work wonders.
sometimes just talking about every tedious detail
of nothing happening in one’s day makes the difference.
sometimes even sharing the insignificant details
of one’s day bridges the gap.

it’s not when something significant happens that ties are strengthened.
it’s in sharing the tedious daily grind that bonds are fortified.
sometimes, it’s not the fact that nothing happened,
it’s that you shared the significant insignificants.

quotable quote

Leaving a love you’ve suddenly outgrown
can be heartbreaking,
but it also shows you’re strong enough
to walk away froma relationship
that no longer makes you happy.
Moving out of your comfort zone
can be downright scary,
but it also proves just how brave you are
to take on the unknown.
You become stronger, braver, wiser.
You always do a little growing up
everytime you do a little letting go.

~Oprah Winfrey

there are times when you feel so full of emotion there are no words to express how you're feeling? when everything is a tangle of nerves and feelings that you can't tell one from the other?

i'm not entirely sure if today is that kind of day.

i feel everything and yet i kind of feel numb.

i've been staring at the blinking cursor now for 5 minutes. and i have no idea what to write!

and i feel...drained.

letting things happen

we're always told to go with the flow,
act naturally, to let things run their course,
to let things happen the way they're meant to happen.
and yet on the other hand, we're also encouraged
to forge our own paths, take the bull by its horns,
to make our dreams happen, to take control of our own destinies.

i tried. while the jury's still out on whether or not
i was successful in shaping my own future, i'm exhausted.
it's one thing to control one's destiny,
it's a whole other thing to try to usher someone
who isn't quite sure they know what they want.
or are too afraid to go after what they want.

to keep my sanity, i will no longer ask,
no longer demand, no longer plead.
i'm done. i no longer want to feel anxious
and insecure and unsure of myself.
i know what i'm worth and i'm not settling.
i guess the only thing left to wait for
is whether or not there will be
a stepping up to the plate.
but my life will no longer be on hold.
if it comes, then it comes.
if it happens, then it happens.
but if it doesn't, then i'll cry and grieve,
but at the end of the day, c'est la vie.

so there it is in a nutshell.
while i'm never one to close doors,
i'm taking a deep breath and stepping back.
i'm waiting for the actions to tell me what i want to know.
and if the actions aren't forthcoming,
then that's the way it all goes.
everything gets chalked up to painful, learning experiences.