I'm Happy

So last night after work I went out with a friend, and afterwards picked up another friend we all 3 of us hung out.... and i'm going to say something that i haven't said in a really (REALLY) long time.

i'm happy.

i think it's because i've come to terms with everything that's happened to me. i've stopped blaming circumstance and coincidence and i've finally faced the fact that whatever i've gone through, it was because of the choices i made. and i think it was that realization that made things click.

i've learned that ---

1. although i don't always get what i want, what i have can be enough.
2. looking and not touching can be a good thing.
3. wanting something more is a good thing --- if done realistically.
4. when god closes a door and shuts the window, there's always the doggie door! Wink
5. i am NOT super chris and no one expects me to be super chris.
6. i am loved (and now i REALLY know this, and the knowledge isn't just superficial now.).
7. nothing is ever perfect -- but it's in the appreciation of imperfections that one finds the magic in life.

No Man Is An Island

I keep telling myself
that life will get better,
but I've yet to see that happen.

As much as you like to believe
there are people behind you,
people will always let you down
sooner or later.

For this reason
I never expect much anymore,
and I find it very hard
to believe people who try
to have me believe
that there could be
people who might not
let me down.

No man is an island,
but we came into
this world on our own,
and when it's our time to go,
we leave this world alone.

::just like clockwork::

I've begun my annual fall ritual of self-medicating.
Drinking more, smoking more than I should, sleeping more.
Perhaps it's just as simple as losing
an extra hour of daylight that causes this.
Whatever it is, it's like clockwork. Almost.

I want to write in my journal, smoke, and drink.
I want to drink until I'm sober again.
Alas, one of the reasons I don't
(besides all of the "proper" reasons not to binge drink)
drink as much as the little people
in my ears tell me to,
is because I dread, nay FEAR hangovers!

::...I think...::

There's not enough time.
There's never enough time.
There will never BE enough time.

If I could have one wish,
it would be for more time.
Time to live,
think,
read,
sleep,
breathe,
stare into nothingness,
be w/ friends,
spend money in ridiculous ways,
be irresponsible,
lay in bed for no reason,
party,
sing,
listen,
write,
contemplate life's mysteries.
On and on it could go.
Endlessness has no meaning
during this lifetime.
Everything comes to an end
- that's the sad truth
everyone must face
at some time or another.

Sometimes I sit back in my chair,
and simply think.
I think about my past.
I think about my furture.
I think about my present.
I think about my fortune.
I think about my misfortunes
(and I think that I think about these too much).
I think about my dreams,
my ambitions,
my goals,
my accomplishments,
my failings,
my concessions.
I think about my age.
I think about my health.
I think about the fucking speck of something
in my eye that's annoying the shit out of me today.
I think about not being able to do anything
about removing the speck of something.
I think about crying everyday.
I think about going to Dr to get meds.
I think about depression, and what a crutch it is.
I think about generalized anxiety disorder,
and how it makes me want to run away
and smash things when I get stressed out.
I think about leaving.
I think about living in Texas
and the fact that I haven't seen Josh in almost a year.
I think I hate myself more than I should.
I think about loving my family and friends.

I think I'm done. ...for now...I think.

Demons In My Head

This sucks. I'm getting very down again, and it's seemingly due to the usual suspects. My job, my financial situation, my house and the fact that I feel trapped in it, my general state of lethargy...on and on. All week long I was just tired. Tired enough that I wanted to sleep every moment that I could. Why? I go into work everyday after a day off, hating my life; for feeling like I wasted my time away, I get a horrible, sinking feeling every night I have off, knowing that I have to go back to work the next day for another five days of asshole guests, a retard for a manager, a dead-end job, boredom, a minimal salary, etc. Pretty sad that I've not even been at my job for two whole months, and I already despise it. Not just "oh, it's a job, I'll suck it up because it's not that bad," but more like "I fucking HATE wasting my life, facing the goddamned computer screen, acting like I'm working and busy even though I'm not. Then I begin to think: Is this what most people say, after years and years of being at the same job? That they just sucked it up to make a paycheck? That they wasted their entire fucking lives doing something they hated? I don't want to end up like that! I've started thinking about going to the DR to get a RX to help with this sinking feeling in my soul? All I seem to ever want to do is cower in a corner w/ my knees to my chest, in a dark room...or sleep. I can't live like this, dreading everyday, hating my life, feeling guilty, destroying myself because I have no self-esteem, slowly dying everyday at a job (any job) that I hate. Honestly, all this shit in my head makes me physically sick sometimes. I feel like the only way to feel better, is to vomit. Why can't I be like everyone else, and just push this shit down in order to do what is necessary to be "happy," or at the very least...numb enough to not care anymore?

When one door closes another opens

It's time to start fresh.
Time to leave the past in the past.

Welcome to this new place
Hope you enjoy your stay

The End Of Jack And Sally

I really don't know why I am putting this on here...
it's something I wrote awhile back...
right after I decided to end this blog...
but I decided to finally put it on here
in hopes that maybe you will stumble across here once moree
and find that I left something for you once again
also, I decided to give you the link to my new blog
you will find it at the end of this letter



Hi Sally,

If you must know,
if you are wondering,
if you are thinking of me...
I am doing fine.
I try not to think of you
because when I do,
I grind my teeth
and force my nails
into my palms
until deep red
marks appear.

But you know,
there are times when
there is no one around me,
no one talking to me on the phone,
no one to go out and do things with,
that is when you come creeping
back into my mind.
And I never know what emotions
you would create in me when you do.
Sometimes, I get angry,
sometimes I smile
and just think about
how I used to drown
in your presance,
and it was like the whole world
dissapeared, and it was just us.
especially those late late nights
when we used to talk about
everything and anything
and I would go to bed smiling
and wake up oh, so happy.
Sometimes, just sometimes,
I let you talk to me, in my mind,
and it is during those times
that I fall asleep without struggle.

Most of the time, I feel sad.
Sad because I thought
that you would be the last,
the one that would last forever.
Other times I feel a mixture
of sadness and anger
because towards the end,
I feel that you completely
shut me out of your life,
and caused me uneccessary pain
when it was you who told me
that you would never ever hurt me
and you would do anything
to keep me happy,
keep me there right beside you,
that it would kill you if you ever lost me.

It didn't happen.

Sometimes, when you come into my head,
I push you right back out.
I don't want to think of you,
think of the promises we made
and how we promised each other "forever".
Do you know, until today,
I don't understand what happened?
All I know is that you just up and left
(I know why that happened, just
not why you decided to stay away.)
Both physically and emotionally.
And I don't want to go over the details
and analyse, why why why.
Because it isn't going to change a thing.

Sometimes I try to hate you.
I think of all that time you
were "busy" or "not there"
You've always flown freely, Sally...
I've always let you... But
when you fly without me, it hurts.
And there is nothing much
anyone can do ther than wait.
And when the waiting gets too long,
there is nothing much
anyone can do other than leave.

I don't know why I'm writing this.
I shouldn't be thinking of you
and how good it used to be.
I shouldn't be going back
into time in my mind
and think of our talks we had,
and the rides we took
and the walks we went on
and those times late at night
when we breathe our souls
into each other and became one
or the brightness of the morning
when I open my eyes to see you,
Sally, lying next to me.

When you were still mine,
you "moved away".
When you were still
supposedly coming back,
you were actually,
never thinking about it.
You were mine but not really.
You promised me,
that your smile will only be
for me, and me alone,
but you were smiling for others.
And you promised
you'd come back,
but I learned that
was not going to happen
And that is when I think of the maybes.
Maybe I shouldn't have surrendered
so completely to you.
Maybe I shouldn't have let you in.
Maybe I shouldn't have allowed myself
to get hurt, yet again,
and maybe I should have listened
to all the fears around me
before I closed my eyes and
jumped off the cliff into your waiting arms.

But then I come back to earth
and I know that I shouldn't think of all this.
The maybes, the whys, the what ifs,
the what could be and how easily it seemed,
for you to find happiness without me.
I shouldn't and I won't.
Because a chapter is a chapter
and you are a chapter in my life.
A beautiful, painful chapter,
tinged with a little bit of sadness
and a lot of happiness and love.
It was destined to be. Just as it is destined
that the chapter has reached its final page
and there is no more pages to turn.
This is the last page. And I am closing the book.

I loved you, Sally. More than you'll ever know.

Love,
Your Jack, no more.

as promised the link to
my new blog