When I am an old man, lying in my bed, I don't want to look back at my life as a series of angry moments. When I close my eyes at the end of my life, I don't want a single moment of madness, of violence, to pass through my mind. I have made mistakes. I've made terrible, horrible mistakes. Some of them were non-intentional... and some were mistakes made with full prior knowledge of the possible consequences. I've hurt people. We all have. And how many of us, in that moment when we realize what we've done-- the heart-heavy feeling of guilt, the wrenching disappointment with ourselves that chokes us-- how many of us have ever known the beauty, the wonderment, the relief, of forgiveness? I have known what it is to be forgiven. To make a horrible mistake and have the person I have erred against reach down and help me up from my knees. The weightlessness of being absolved.
And I have forgiven people. I have been that person who reaches down and finds the strength to lift a person from the worst feeling... and sometimes, to be honest, it's more about me then them. It's not always about making them feel better. Sometimes, it's about me not wanting to carry the weight of being angry with them for the rest of my life. At the end of my life, I want to carry with me the image of a life lived with grace, with dignity, with as much laughter and as much beauty as I could find, create, and sustain. This is a desicion I made many years ago, as I watched them wheel my grandpa out of the church, the lid to his coffin closed over his face. And all I could think about was how he hated to sleep, because he didn't want to miss anything. And I wondered what his last thoughts were: and if in that last moment, being pissed off at someone was really what mattered to him... or if it was all the beauty, the laughter, the love, that he knew in his life. I've made a lot of mistakes, and all I can do is wish that I had learned my lessons in a different way. As for me... the best advice that I can give is the mantra that I always try to live by. Forgive everything. No exceptions. Forgive... let it go. And at the end of your life, may it be happiness and peace that finds you.... not anger and resentment.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Monday, December 12, 2005
Mary Jane Jokes
Mary Jane was walking through the forest,
and a squirrel ran up her skirt.
Mary Jane just laughed and laughed;
she knew there weren't any nuts up there.
Mary Jane was walking down the street
when a man pulled her into a dark alley
and started ripping off all her clothes.
Mary Jane just laughed and laughed;
she knew her clothes wouldn't fit him.
Mary Jane was playing on the swings one day,
swinging higher and higher. Her mother came out and said,
"Mary Jane, don't you swing to high,
the boys will be able to see your underwear."
But Mary Jane just laughed and laughed;
she knew she wasn't wearing any underwear.
Mary Jane was with her mom at the fabric store
when she saw a sign "Felt 10 cents."
Mary Jane just laughed and laughed;
she knew she could get felt for free.
Mary Jane was walking on the sea shore,
and she saw a woman in the water yelling,
"Help! Shark! Shark!" Mary Jane just laughed and laughed;
she knew that shark wasn't going to help her.
Mary Jane burnt down the barn one day,
and her mother said "Mary Jane!
You're in big trouble when your father gets home!"
Mary Jane just laughed and laughed;
she knew her father was in that barn.
Mary Jane was crossing the street with her mother.
As her mother stopped to pick up a quarter she was hit by a bus.
Mary Jane just laughed and laughed;
she knew it was only a nickel.
Mary Jane was walking down the street pushing a baby carriage
when she came to a hill with a stop sign at the bottom.
As she started down the hill the baby carriage got away from her
and dangerously raced towards the intersection.
Mary Jane just laughed and laughed;
she knew the baby carriage wouldn't stop.
and a squirrel ran up her skirt.
Mary Jane just laughed and laughed;
she knew there weren't any nuts up there.
Mary Jane was walking down the street
when a man pulled her into a dark alley
and started ripping off all her clothes.
Mary Jane just laughed and laughed;
she knew her clothes wouldn't fit him.
Mary Jane was playing on the swings one day,
swinging higher and higher. Her mother came out and said,
"Mary Jane, don't you swing to high,
the boys will be able to see your underwear."
But Mary Jane just laughed and laughed;
she knew she wasn't wearing any underwear.
Mary Jane was with her mom at the fabric store
when she saw a sign "Felt 10 cents."
Mary Jane just laughed and laughed;
she knew she could get felt for free.
Mary Jane was walking on the sea shore,
and she saw a woman in the water yelling,
"Help! Shark! Shark!" Mary Jane just laughed and laughed;
she knew that shark wasn't going to help her.
Mary Jane burnt down the barn one day,
and her mother said "Mary Jane!
You're in big trouble when your father gets home!"
Mary Jane just laughed and laughed;
she knew her father was in that barn.
Mary Jane was crossing the street with her mother.
As her mother stopped to pick up a quarter she was hit by a bus.
Mary Jane just laughed and laughed;
she knew it was only a nickel.
Mary Jane was walking down the street pushing a baby carriage
when she came to a hill with a stop sign at the bottom.
As she started down the hill the baby carriage got away from her
and dangerously raced towards the intersection.
Mary Jane just laughed and laughed;
she knew the baby carriage wouldn't stop.
Imaginary
Always in motion, the future is.
But so is the present. So is the past.
What you think of as the past, is not fact.
It is memory. And memories are subject
to points of view, conjecture, interpretation.
They are merely perception.
And like all points of views, conjectures,
interpretations and indeed, perceptions, they can change.
Your past can change. As can the present.
And you think to yourself, how could that be?
Did things that happen before, actually happen?
Or did you remember they happened,
merely because you wanted them to?
You fill yourself with questions that have no answers.
And when the realisation comes, it is a shock to the system
that you can barely hope to cope with. Why?
I do not know.
I do not know why events that transpire
in the here and now, can change what you thought
of what had happened before. I do not know why
the fluidty of our consciousness is so malleable,
so easily twisted into something else.
I do not know why I feel so inclined to throw away
all sense of positivity, the moment something
insidiously distracting happens.
I suppose I let my past haunt me.
I let things that have happened get to me.
I feel the agony of pain, and the euphoria of joy,
only because I let them happen.
It is a consequence, of learning detachment.
Of learning to grow old.
Of learning to treat both triumph and disaster as the same.
Indeed, Rudyard Kipling said it well.
The effeversecent enthusiasm of my idealism
seems to pale in lieu of my numbness.
A numbness brought on by death itself.
I grieve over the death of my youth.
I am alive, but I feel dead.
In many respects, I suppose I already am.
I just haven't gotten round to lying down yet.
There must be hope, many would say.
There must be some way of turning this all around,
of bringing back the smiles and the laughter.
Of bringing back hope and the casual happiness
of an uncomplicated life. But what for?
Where is that spark? That flash of inspiration?
That small motivation needed to go on,
to believe in all that I have stood by.
To defend what I know is right.
You were there.
You were there not so long ago.
When did you die?
What you think of as the past, is not fact.
It is memory. And memories are subject
to points of view, conjecture, interpretation.
They are merely perception.
And like all points of views, conjectures,
interpretations and indeed, perceptions, they can change.
Your past can change. As can the present.
And you think to yourself, how could that be?
Did things that happen before, actually happen?
Or did you remember they happened,
merely because you wanted them to?
You fill yourself with questions that have no answers.
And when the realisation comes, it is a shock to the system
that you can barely hope to cope with. Why?
I do not know.
I do not know why events that transpire
in the here and now, can change what you thought
of what had happened before. I do not know why
the fluidty of our consciousness is so malleable,
so easily twisted into something else.
I do not know why I feel so inclined to throw away
all sense of positivity, the moment something
insidiously distracting happens.
I suppose I let my past haunt me.
I let things that have happened get to me.
I feel the agony of pain, and the euphoria of joy,
only because I let them happen.
It is a consequence, of learning detachment.
Of learning to grow old.
Of learning to treat both triumph and disaster as the same.
Indeed, Rudyard Kipling said it well.
The effeversecent enthusiasm of my idealism
seems to pale in lieu of my numbness.
A numbness brought on by death itself.
I grieve over the death of my youth.
I am alive, but I feel dead.
In many respects, I suppose I already am.
I just haven't gotten round to lying down yet.
There must be hope, many would say.
There must be some way of turning this all around,
of bringing back the smiles and the laughter.
Of bringing back hope and the casual happiness
of an uncomplicated life. But what for?
Where is that spark? That flash of inspiration?
That small motivation needed to go on,
to believe in all that I have stood by.
To defend what I know is right.
You were there.
You were there not so long ago.
When did you die?
Thursday, December 8, 2005
Name
And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away
And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame
But if you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em your name
Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are
You grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em your name
I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are come back down
And I won't tell em your name
I still can't turn away
Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away
And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame
But if you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em your name
Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are
You grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em your name
I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are come back down
And I won't tell em your name
Iris
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yea you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yea you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Better Days
And you ask me what
I want this year
And I try to make
this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe
we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes
wrapped in strings
And desire and love
and empty things
Just a chance that maybe
we'll find better days
So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night
the world begins again
And it's someplace simple
where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust
and peace while we're alive
And the one poor child
that saved this world
And there's 10 million more
who probably could
If we all just stopped
and said a prayer for them
So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night
the world begins again
I wish everyone
was loved tonight
And somehow stop
this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe
we'll find better days
So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night
the world begins again
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