My 30 Day Project

My 30 day project

30 things about me you may not already know

1. I'm a dreamer. Its true-- I love to see all the possibility in things and how great they can be.

2. I'm starting to get better at that optimism thing as well.

3. I've always been one to dream what could be, but know deep down inside that it would probably never happen.

4. I have confidence in most things, but there are those few times and moments where I just need someone to remind me of that confidence.

5. When I know I'm capable of something though, there is no stopping me.

6. I've always believed that persistence can get you what you want.

7. I love routine and tradition. But I also welcome change. Without change, there's no possibility for new things. But the comfort that routine brings is also important.

8. I love-- with my whole heart. If you become someone important to me, I will pretty much do anything for you. I'm the friend you can call at 3am and I'll listen, come get you or whatever you need.

9. Those certain people I can still call my best friends will come first no matter what.

10. I love to laugh. At any and everything.

11. I'm not much for dancing or clubs. I like more dorky things like playing board games or going bowling. I love hiking and being outdoors

12. I love writing, and I've found it's the easiest way for me to say what I'm feeling.

13. I love music... random kinds, but mostly rock and alternative.

14. I'm really, really sensitive but I also have a quick rebound time and it won't take much to make things okay.

15. I forgive, but I probably won't forget. I have an incredibly good memory.... I pay attention to detail.

16. I love thunderstorms.

17. I could eat turkey sandwiches all the time and be okay with it.

18. Don't ask me to dance.... I will tell you no. But don't take it personally.

19. If I'm upset, I will be quiet. If I have something important to say-- I'll struggle and start and stop but within 10 minutes I'll say what I need to.

20. I want to go to Ireland someday.

21. Needles are a phobia -- so are spiders and bugs of any kind. Buzzing is my least favorite sound and it can easily drive me insane. If there is a bee in the room, don't expect me to pay attention to anything else.

22. I won't swim in the ocean, but I love the beach & sharks.

23. I have strong opinions ... I will share them, but only when I feel so inclined. Generally speaking, I think before I speak -- especially in large groups. But once you get to know me, I am an open book. Don't be put off by my apparent shyness ... because shy is the last thing to describe me accurately.

24. I do not like being told things just to make me happy. I would rather be told the truth and be hurt than be "protected" and happy. I overreact sometimes. Don't be afraid to tell me I'm wrong or out of line. I like people who are strong enough to face me when I'm raging ... people who will let me angry for a little while ... people who won't think less of me for my somewhat sporadic mood swings.

25. When I'm hurt, I withdraw. I threaten to run away from the situation that is causing me pain. All I want is to be told honestly that I'm loved ... that I should stay ... sometimes I need to hear it multiple times. But if you'll be a little persistent, I'll give in.

26. If I'm really close to you, I might start picking fights over stupid things ... for no reason. It means I'm bored. That things have gotten monotonous.

27. I love just going with the flow ... I don't always want things planned out.

28. When it comes to making plans for hanging out, I'm very indecisive -- there are too many things I would really like to do ... and I'm afraid you won't like what I choose. So most of the time I won't pick what to do.

29. I want to be respected -- I want my feelings to be respected and my thoughts to be respected. More than anything else, I want my body to be respected. I know how to be sexy, I know how to be desirable. I choose not to be those things because I do not want what comes when one intentionally creates a sexy persona. I like being told that I'm beautiful ... I like being told I'm sexy -- because those are not things I strive to be ... but I want my boundaries respected.

30. I am afraid of being lonely ... of having my heart broken ... of not being appreciated or wanted. Of people not knowing how much they mean to me. I'm afraid of drowning, of choking and of not understanding. I'm not afraid to be myself or of interacting with people who are different than me. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm wrong, but I will rarely admit it publicly.

Therapy

ther·a·py ~ noun

1.
The treatment of disease or disorders, as by some remedial, rehabilitating, or curative process
2.
A curative power or quality.
3.
Any act, hobby, task, program, etc., that relieves tension.

Friday I went shopping. Not an activity that I should have particularly indulged in. But it’s been a what-the-heck mode.

While it has been getting things that I have been putting off getting… like getting a new hat since someone "threw away" my old one… and getting some new clothes, because all my clothes are so out dated. we all know that I've been hitting the stores for reasons other than to dress myself.

One of my friends calls it getting big plastic pills for the tired heart… Me – let’s just say it’s therapy…

For now.. it's easier to get lost in the crowded stores and trying on clothes.... and pulling price tags off of merchandise when I get home.. Whatever floats my boat – I’ll buy it for now.

F*CK Wal*Mart

Click title for full story

This makes me sick, because appearantly Walmart doesn't understand what bad P.R. is. Bad P.R. is screwing over one of your employees, just for money. To sum up the situation, a walmart employee was involved in a terrible car accident that left her mentally handicapped. She and her family were able to sue for $477,000 worth of damages which is meant to take care of her for the rest of her life. So they win the case and it looks like everything is going to be ok. But it turns out that walmarts health care plan's fine print says that if any money is received for damages, walmart has the right to take it. And you can bet your damned ass, they're taking the money. $477,000, they are making a huge deal over $477,000. A company that makes over $90 billion a year. And when they were asked for a comment, they said "while her situation is extreamly sad, the only way to be fair to everyone else, is to take the money. And when I look at this situation, the first word I think of is not "Fair", oddly enough, it's "Fucked up". The situation is fucked up, so because of this issue, I'm saying fuck walmart. I'm not going to go to walmart, super walmart, walmart.com, sams, or lowes. I'm never going to go into a walmart again, besides to visit my friends who happen to work at walmart, but you can bet your sweet as I won't ever buy from that store again, because walmart is fucked up. That's why I think everyone who reads this, shouldn't go to walmart either. I'm not saying "Don't go to walmart" that's ridiculous. All I'm saying is if you think it's a fucked up situation, don't shop at walmart anymore, because if they are going to go ahead and screw over the little guy, what needs to happen is all the little guys need to get together, and send out this story to all there little guy friends, so more people will hear about it, because this is fucking ridiculous. So to all the people who think that the little guy can still have a voice, I have a project for you, if you have a few extra mins, click on the title to this post, and it's a link to the story about the women involved in this case, and everything that's happening to her. I want you to send that to as many people as possible. Send it to everyone in your address book, put it in myspace bullitens, facebook bullitens, I don't care, but get it out.

Questions and Answers

i had a long discussion with a co-worker about the nature of goodness and what can be considered ethically sound. i have misgivings about sharing with others an experience i had that has only just begun to transform what i ever thought of as "me".

i still don't have The Answers i thought i was looking for, and that's okay. it's entirely probable that i am not asking the Right Questions. it's difficult for one to do so when one doesn't quite understand the essence of what it is he thinks he wants to know. in short, i know nothing. and i think that's fine. and i hope that thinking it's fine is a step in the right direction, if there is one.

if i were a christian mystic, i might say something like, "i touched the face of God." i am not a mystic. i am not even a christian. so i can only speculate that my experience would be something a christian mystic would describe in such terms. if i were a buddhist monk, i might say, (or not say---therein lies the problem i face,) something like, "i ceased to be i; i ceased." but i am not a buddhist monk, either. i am a 24 year old guy, with a love of truth, and plenty of time on his hands of late.

i am not sure whether it is wise or even particularly useful to elaborate on the experience and the slim knowledge i believe i have gleaned thus far from it. right now it seems, at the least, that doing so would be akin to trying to grasp and hold water in my fist. i worry that the relevance and meaning of the experience would run out like so much water from inside a tightly clenched desire to impart it to others. terribly phrased, i'm sure, but i hope you understand.

today, though, i am tired and weak. i want little else but to curl up in bed and go to sleep.

see more crazy cat pics

Cat Nap

My cat doesn't want me
to hold him at night anymore,
when we sleep.

I am getting insecure. lol.

He creeps up and sniffs my face.
then curls on his side to sleep next to me.
And usually I put my arm around him,
or pet him till I or he falls asleep

Nowadays, if i so much
as put a finger on him,
first he tries to push my hand off
with his back legs, and if that don't work,
he gets up and moves to the foot of the bed in a huff.

And if he is really annoyed,
he just jumps off the bed
and goes and sleeps on the couch. =(

Oh, but when it gets nearer to dawn,
he comes creeping back
and starts to squeeze himself between my arms,
or wrap himself around my head
or lays on my stomach, or side, or back
(depending on how I'm laying)
or just try to sleep as close to me as he can.

Why are cats like that eh?
When you need someone to hold on too,
to cuddle, to help you sleep,
they don't wanna go anywhere near you.
But when you are sleeping,
thats when they start to disturb you
and try to squeeze out every ounce of patience in you.

Did I

Did I tell you, that I used to believe in wishing?

That one day I will be granted three wishes
and I used to think to myself,
what would I wish for?
Money? Happiness? Love?

I would go around asking people I knew,
what would you wish for if you had three wishes?

When I was a kid, I believed in fairies.
When I grew into a teenager,
I believed in the stars.
I would sit in the back yard and stare at the stars.
I would wish and wish with all my heart
for all the things that I thought I wanted.

I had a little ritual.
I would start with that little nursery ryhme
that I learnt as a kid...

Star bright star light first star I see tonight...
I wish I may, I wish I might...

The stars would twinkle
and I would feel peace.
And hope.

What did I wish for?
So many things.
So many desires.
So many wants.
Most of all I wished for happiness.
Happiness forever, for the rest of my life.
To never feel sadness. To never cry. And to be loved.
So loved that the minute I withhold my love,
those who had a taste of it would crumple up and die.

Did I tell you that I used to believe in miracles?

I did. I believed that one day
a miracle would happen
and all that I wished for
would come true
that one day I would get outa 'here'
and live that perfect miraculous life
that I've always dreamt of.

I held on to that belief even as I grew
into the adult that I am now.
I always had that little light in my heart to guide me.
That will help me through
whatever dark moments I may be going through,
so that when I awake, I will be fine,
still with hope, still looking out for the future.

I wonder what happened. I wonder alot.
A lot of things seem to be out of my control
- even things happening in my own life.
And I end up wondering.

Wonder wonder wonder.
What's the point.

The light isnt't there anymore.

I don't believe in anything.

I used to care about things.
About life. Life after death.
About angels, demons, the good and the bad.
I used to be afraid. I used to feel guilty.
I used to feel satisfaction.

I don't care anymore.
I still believe in God
but I just don't feel
what I should be feeling.

What should I be feeling?

I'm sick of the anger.
The hurt. The pain.
I am fucking sick of it
and I want it to end.
I want to go up to Fate
and slap him and tell him
to stop fucking with me.
Stop messing with me
and just leave me be.

Did I tell you, that I had a wall?

That I so successfully built.
And now it's gone and I am vulnerable again.
Why is it that when you try to keep yourself
away from whatever it is that would hurt you,
something comes along and tries to get inside?

And when you let it in,
all it does is break you
and you are left to pick up the pieces.
Again and again and again.

I don't wanna pick it up anymore.
I don't wanna fix it.
I don't wanna care.

I want it all to end.
And no matter what anyone says,
I know that I have never asked for much.
And I know that many love to see me in pain.

So stop pretending.

Fuck it all.
I am sick of trying.

My heart hurts

Please forgive me if I am being "morbid".
That I am not always, not twenty four seven
happy, bouncy, laughing or better yet, not always bitchy.
Being bitchy is always better than being depressed isn't it?

I am one of those people who lapse
into depression time to time and I am not sorry.
Those who know me, know that.
But I find that people around me find it easier
to deal with my bitchiness than my depression.

They don't seem to know what to do
when I get that faraway look in my eyes,
that my mind seems to be flying away
to some darker place where pain feels good
and hurting outside is better than the hurt inside.
That the images in my head seem to be
more real that what is real around me.
Images that come from long ago
where words uttered bring more jolts of pain
than an accidental cut with the kitchen knife.

They don't seem to understand that
their words to pacify me will only
hurt me and them more.
That it won't help.
That the voices and sounds I am hearing
are louder than the sound of their voices.
That if you try to come close to me
then, you won't find me. I won't be there.
Just an empty shell with blank eyes and frozen lips.
And there is nothing I can do
to bring myself back when I am gone.
It's just a matter of time.
Be patient and I will be ok. Soon.

Please don't tell me to stop.
Because it is not by choice.
It overtakes me at random moments
and there's nothing there for me to do
other than go through it and wait.
At times I drown myself in alcohol
to drown out the thoughts.
And it feels better to be in
a drunken stupor on the floor
than in a painful heap with unblinking eyes
staring at the ceiling,
seeing images that are not there,
hearing voices that are not there,
feeling those that are not there
and realising much later that
the wetness on my face are my tears
and my hands are much too heavy
to move to wipe them away.
I party endlessly and drink to keep laughing
and keep the thoughts at bay.
But in the end, we all end up alone.
And then there's nothing I can do to stop it.

At times I think about death.
If it's going to be an adventure.
What if we were to die today?
I think it will be exciting.
It will be a whole new adventure.
Experience new things.
Maybe meet other dead people
who will tell me how they died
and we can laugh about it together.
Maybe meet our guardian angels
and bitch them out for not helping us more.
Maybe meet the devil
and have a tea party at his house. Ha Ha.

I wonder why it's so taboo to talk about death.
In the end, when you think about it, all of us are dying.
It's only a matter of time. Don't you think?

I will be alright. Just give me time.

I want more.

Something more.
More than this.
The waiting,
the memories,
the emails
and the promises
are not enough.

Have you ever felt that way?
When ghosts and the words are never enough?

I want more.
So much more.
I search and look for more.
But I can never get enough.
The random chats and the visits.
I want more.

But it just feels so damn wrong.
Wanting something that
you're not supposed to want.
Feeling something
you're not supposed to feel.
I want more.
That is all I know for now.

That one special moment in time
left me hungry for more.
Yet I am grasping at straws,
never knowing if
what I am feeling is mutual.
I want more.
I can't get enough.
And the hardest part
is not being able to say
what I truly feel.
I want more.
Yet I am afraid.
Afraid that when I fall
I won't be caught.
Afraid to try.
Afraid to ruin everything.
Afraid that this is just
another one of life's games.
Afraid to be the victim again.

My pride is talking.

Yet the hunger in me
is awaken again.
I want it.
I want more.
And I can't wait to feel
that raw emotion
that blinds you
when you are overcome by it.
That moment when the world stops
and the only thing that matters
is fulfilling your desires.
When sight and sound is limited
and you can only feel.

I want more.

Please catch me.
Or just let me go.

I see your true colors shining through...

its kind of funny. i cant really explain much,
but you know there are people
who do things you just cant explain,
there are people who are so fake
and so two faced that you just cant explain.
there are people who you thought were your friends,
that really are not.
there are people who you thought
were the least of your friends,
and who are more friends
then you would have ever imagined.

the past few weeks in my life
have produced some interesting situations.
it has produced some interesting propositions.
it has definitely opened my eyes up
to the ways of the people of the world.
and with every day i learn more and more...
i learn who is real. who is fake.
who wants to fuck me. and who wants to stab me.
i have found out a lot about a bunch of people, a
nd at the same time i have found out
that i knew a lot less about a lot of people,
that i thought i knew.

quite the conundrum i must say.
a bit of a quandry.
interesting and fun.
sad and happy.
angry and vengeful.

Waste Myself

I'll waste myself on strangers
so I don't have to lie there alone.
The heat of something living
to ward off the cold undead fingers
of our once bright love.

What monstrous thing has it become?
Formless, whispering and chittering in the dark,
driven insane by unbelievable circumstance.
Its words (your words) crawling over me
- a swarm of angry thoughts
that nip and bite and burrow.

The stranger mistakes my desperate grasp for lust
- in moments we are lost in one another.
A hot burst of life against the night.
For that instant I feel release and released.
For that brief moment I am alive and free.

But in the final sex-rattle,
the convergent lust-spasm,
why do I name my demon?
Why is it always your name
I scream into the dark?

Leaving Routine

You suggest a day to see each other again.
I suggest a time.

You hop into your car and start the engine.
You turn and wave. I wave back.

I watch to make sure you pull out onto the highway okay.

I wonder what it would have been like to kiss you again.
To hold you once more, if only briefly.

To be the guy you're driving to,
instead of the guy standing out here alone.

You wanted the long slow forever
and I live my life in blazing moments.

A little less bright each time.

sometimes when missing someone gets to be too much, just remembering the great times gets me through. then i start smiling and the separation pangs ease a little bit.

A smile costs nothing but gives much. It enriches those who receive without making poorer those who give. It takes but a moment, but the memory of it sometimes lasts forever. None is so rich or mighty that he cannot get along without it and none is so poor that he cannot be made rich by it. Yet a smile cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is of no value to anyone until it is given away. Some people are too tired to give you a smile. Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give.
~Author Unknown

"Love Song" by The Cure

Comment on this video! More videos at myYearbook

Whenever i'm alone with you
you make me feel like
I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
you make me feel like
I am whole again

Whenever i'm alone with you
you make me feel like
i am young again
whenever i'm alone with you
you make me feel like
I am fun again


However far away
i will always love you
however long i stay
i will always love you
whatever words i say
i will always love you
i will always love you


Whenever i'm alone with you
you make me feel like
i am free again
whenever i'm alone with you
you make me feel like
i am clean again


However far away
i will always love you
however long i stay
i will always love you
whatever words i say
i will always love you
i will always love you

Analyze This

we all have several sides to our personalities.
we all have different dimensions.
that's what makes the human being dynamic.
today, i've discovered that house was right:
everybody lies. and bearing in mind the other lessons
i've learned from watching house, i didn't stop there.
i wrote a pro and con list.
and from that list i tried to come up with conclusions.

these conclusions are:

1. in every situation, no one is purely altruistic.
   everyone has a vested interest.
2. it is a human compulsion to protect one's territory.
   it's instinctive.
3. when one is not exposed to a certain culture,
   it will be alien and therefore, it won't make sense.
4. when one has megalomania,
   one will always think one is always right
   and there is no cure for that.
   maybe except for humiliating,
   life-threatening failure.
5. feeling pretty is one thing,
   being vain can have its benefits;
   being narcissistic benefits no one.
6. sometimes, when one thinks too much,
   one sees things that aren't there.
7. i over-analyze things sometimes.

all that being said, Chris, the over-analytic, is signing out.

I AM

A son
A grandson
A cousin
A friend
A young boy
and a grown man
I am confident and scared
terrified and excited
I am loving and caring
and shy and friendly
and careful and careless
I am misunderstood
misguided and misled
I am hardworking and determined
I am a little scarred on the inside
I wish on stars and dream my dreams
I pray to God and cry my tears
I smile on the outside
while I'm dying on the inside
I listen to others who won't listen to me
I wal on eggshells, and I walk on fire
I believe in passion but not true love
I love you and I push you away
I want you but not so close
I am everything and nothing all at once
and all I want is for you to

LOVE ME

I really wish you would stop trying to fix me

lessons from gregory house, md

i'm currently addicted to watching how house unfolds.
you gotta hand it to hugh laurie.
he's got that dour, sour, sarcastic,
i'm-an-arse-i-know-and-i-don't-care-if-you-hate-me
attitude down to an art. no wonder he's won emmys.

one lesson i've learned from watching that show
is not about everybody lying. while it's true that everybody lies
-- anywhere between a teensy-weensy-minutely-microscopic lie
to the great grand daddy of all lies,
everybody will at some point in their lives lie,
that wasn't the lesson.
the one lesson i learned is to never stop asking why.
to never stop trying to solve the puzzle.
while the lying is never excused, at least, after all that digging,
conjecturing and figuring out, when you do find out,
it at least helps you understand why the lying happened in the first place.
it may or may not make you feel better.
but at least you understand.
it doesn't matter whether the understanding
is cerebral or emotional. at least you understand.

that, to me, is what matters.

I'm Happy

i've just come from back from taking Nate home.
And i'm going to say something
that i haven't said in a really (REALLY) long time.

i'm happy.

i think it's because i've come to terms
with everything that's happened to me.
i've stopped blaming circumstance and coincidence
and i've finally faced the fact that
whatever i've gone through,
it was because of the choices i made.
and i think it was that realization
that made things click.

i've learned that ---

1. although i don't always get what i want,
what i have can be enough.
2. looking and not touching can be a good thing.
3. wanting something more is a good thing
--- if done realistically.
4. when god closes a door and shuts the window,
there's always the doggie door! Wink
5. i am NOT super Chris
and no one expects me to be super Chris.
6. i am loved (and now i REALLY know this,
and the knowledge isn't just superficial now.).
7. nothing is ever perfect
-- but it's in the appreciation of imperfections
that one finds the magic in life.

Pocket Full Of Change

a man i know died on monday;
i heard the news today.
initially, it doesnt seem real,
people don't drop out of your life just like that.

but they DO.
sometimes its death,
sometimes its breaking up,
sometimes its a misunderstanding
or a gradual growing apart.
and people leave
and your life will never be exactly the same,
no matter how small a role they played.
its easier to push this emotion back down,
to stifle any tears or nostalgia.
dont think about change,
just ignore it,
there's nothing you can do to prevent change.
tell yourself he's still alive
while you go about your life,
pretend you still speak to your best friend
from two years ago,
don't aknowledge the fact that you changed jobs
and everyone that promised to stay in touch doesnt.

i'd like to think im mature enough
to handle the cycles of life.
even the happy changes are hard to accept.
even friends getting married,
or having a kid,
it changes my little world
and sets it just off-balance
from what i was used to for so long.
and i'm forced to re-learn the path,
adjust the way i look at the world.
when have i ever been completely satisfied with that view?
no matter where you stand, there will be an obstacle
- a powerline or tree or the shadow that just won't fade.
take what you can get, snap the picture anyway.
there is beauty in the inperfection,
there is meaning in the change.

Sometimes I think that God is testing us.
Sometimes I think that God is challenging us.
Every so often I feel that God is mad at us.
And then once in a while I think that God is laughing at us.

It's amazing how rarely I think that God loves us.

significant insignificants

sometimes we all need a lot of reassurance.
there are days when reassurance comes in the simplest forms.
sometimes the inane words work wonders.
sometimes just talking about every tedious detail
of nothing happening in one’s day makes the difference.
sometimes even sharing the insignificant details
of one’s day bridges the gap.

it’s not when something significant happens that ties are strengthened.
it’s in sharing the tedious daily grind that bonds are fortified.
sometimes, it’s not the fact that nothing happened,
it’s that you shared the significant insignificants.

quotable quote

Leaving a love you’ve suddenly outgrown
can be heartbreaking,
but it also shows you’re strong enough
to walk away froma relationship
that no longer makes you happy.
Moving out of your comfort zone
can be downright scary,
but it also proves just how brave you are
to take on the unknown.
You become stronger, braver, wiser.
You always do a little growing up
everytime you do a little letting go.

~Oprah Winfrey

there are times when you feel so full of emotion there are no words to express how you're feeling? when everything is a tangle of nerves and feelings that you can't tell one from the other?

i'm not entirely sure if today is that kind of day.

i feel everything and yet i kind of feel numb.

i've been staring at the blinking cursor now for 5 minutes. and i have no idea what to write!

and i feel...drained.

letting things happen

we're always told to go with the flow,
act naturally, to let things run their course,
to let things happen the way they're meant to happen.
and yet on the other hand, we're also encouraged
to forge our own paths, take the bull by its horns,
to make our dreams happen, to take control of our own destinies.

i tried. while the jury's still out on whether or not
i was successful in shaping my own future, i'm exhausted.
it's one thing to control one's destiny,
it's a whole other thing to try to usher someone
who isn't quite sure they know what they want.
or are too afraid to go after what they want.

to keep my sanity, i will no longer ask,
no longer demand, no longer plead.
i'm done. i no longer want to feel anxious
and insecure and unsure of myself.
i know what i'm worth and i'm not settling.
i guess the only thing left to wait for
is whether or not there will be
a stepping up to the plate.
but my life will no longer be on hold.
if it comes, then it comes.
if it happens, then it happens.
but if it doesn't, then i'll cry and grieve,
but at the end of the day, c'est la vie.

so there it is in a nutshell.
while i'm never one to close doors,
i'm taking a deep breath and stepping back.
i'm waiting for the actions to tell me what i want to know.
and if the actions aren't forthcoming,
then that's the way it all goes.
everything gets chalked up to painful, learning experiences.